Welcome to Monday Night Raw, where Carmella will face Bianca Belair in a rematch for the WWE RAW women’s championship, and (sigh!) Logan Paul confronts The Miz for his attack at WrestleMania. With all that action and…
Yeah. Look, I’m gonna be honest; my expectations for this show are low. Like Shockmaster low. But such are the sacrifices we make at Slam! Wrestling when recapping the Sport of Professional Wrestling. If this is your first time reading my stuff here, you’re welcome.
So as I fill up some genius juice (read: bourbon from Sugarhouse Distillery in South Salt Lake City, UT) for the task ahead, I invoke the words of Krusty The Klown and say, “Now, let’s get this over with!”
From the Amalie Arena in Tampa, Florida, we welcome a fellow resident of the city and WWE Global Ambassador, Titus O’Neil , and as he talks about winning the WWE tag team championship and entering the WWE Hall of Fame as a Warrior recipient, he thinks we we need to offer more goodwill to everyone that needs it. He talks about supporting causes and everything to do good and not talk about anything divisive like politics or religion (put your feet up, it’s gonna get a bit deep here), and this is a place to have a good time.
A bit heavy-handed with the positivity (can’t imagine why) but I’ll buy it for now.
Corey Graves, Jimmy Smith, and Byron Saxton have the call, and we go to what led to Becky Lynch getting in the middle of a qualifying match with Belair and Carmella, and her interference ensured ‘Mella got the shot . Lynch did it to ensure her chance at SummerSlam, and Big Gime Becs wants it.
Lynch comes out with some train imagery, and says she is a “steely ginger locomotive”, and she won’t be derailed. She’s made many stop, and everyone will be arriving at Appreciation Station with her for the RAW women’s championship. Belair comes out with a rebuttal, and the EST says what she did last week was foul. She says this her opportunity to redeem herself against Lynch, and after she whips ‘Mella and will kick her caboose back to Ireland. Choo-choo, indeed.
Now Carmella comes out and says not to overlook her, and as Belair goes all, “ Nuh-uh!”, Lynch jumps her and she and Carmella double team her. A ref comes out and that leads to…
Ads (Oh, yeah; I am no fan of ads in the middle of any action. So expect me to get salty whever this happens)
We come back, and the ref check in and she’s ready to go, so here’s your First Match for the …
RAW Women’s Championship: Bianca Belair(c) Vs. Carmella
in the middle of the match already in progress, ‘Mella is just no match for the EST. Belair is still hurting from the sneak attack, but is still in the drivers seat. Lynch tries to distract, claiming she admired Belair’s boots at commentary, but Belair ain’t having it. Belair tries the KOD on the outside , but ‘Mella manages to get back in the ring and she pulls her leg. Belair rams right into the ring post, and now the strategy is to keep Belair on the outside so she can be counted out, but each time Belair gets back in by the skin of her teeth, and that leads to …
More Ads (Whelp! Time for a double of genius juice)
We come back and Belair rams Carmella to corner, and ‘Mella grabs her hair. But the EST comes back to send her to the corner and mounts up top to punches to a slingshot splash that gets Belair a two count. Carmella tries every trick to pin Belair, but can’t put her away. Belair goes up top, and ‘Mella pushes her off and then leaps at her, but the EST transitions to a suplex for a two count. ‘Mella is no longer mellow, and Belair She-Hulks up and gets the KOD to say “Bye Felicia” and that means she is…
Your Winner, and Still RAW Women’s Champion: Bianca Belair
After the match, Lynch brings in the belt, playing mind games by dropping the belt. Big Time Becs is living rent free in the champ’s head.
We get recaps of the Smackdown tag team championship, and the controversy of their win. Adam Pearce says there needs to be a referee with integrity, so Jeff Jarrett will be the special guest referee.
(Authors Note: yeah, here’s a reason why Jeff Jarrett may not be a good choice from my Crockett Cup review.)
The Street Profits talk about their match in Nashville being “Cashville”, and MVP and Omos appear, and offers to talk to Pearce for Dawkins to face Omos since they want the smoke.
Me, if I want smoke, I’ll go with barbecue. But I digresss
Kevin Owens is out for the Kevin Owens Show, and he brings out the Original Bro, Riddle, and he was promised a Mtn. Dew Baja Blast. Owens took a step away after dealing with the Ezekiel/Elias nonsense, but the reason he has Riddle on the show is because of his match with Seth Rollins, and Owens compares him losing Rollins as a friend to Riddle losing Randy Orton. RK-Bro was good, but Bro-KO could be great. Before that Tee shirt could be pressed, Riddle calls out Owens as a big liar, but Owens says he turned over a new leaf, unlike Orton. Riddle no-likey, and is done talking. But Burn it Down plays and Riddle faces the ramp, and gets jumps by Rollins and curb stomped.
Oh, Riddle. When will you learn.
There’s recaps of The Mysterios facing Judgment Day but read it here. Meanwhile, Finn Balor and Damien priest come down to ringside, reminding me of what The House of Black would be like if you got them on the Wish app, and that means they’ll talk more after these…
Ads (Seriously, Monkeys in the Truck? You couldn’t have done that after the Riddle stomping?!)
Rollins laughs and is confronted backstage by Ezekiel. He wants to know why he did what he did, but Rollins says he is so stupid, just like his facing him at SummerSlam. Now Ezekiel gets in his grill, and Rollins wants him out of his business, but now…it is his business.
The Judgment Day are in the ring, and Damien a priest says for the WWE Fans (I ain’t calling it a Universe. I ain’t paid enough) to rise for The Judgment Day. Priest goes all Emperor Palatine and says Dominik Mysterio will join the dark side…they have cookies.
I’m kidding (I think).
Priest says Rey Rey is stifling Dominik’s potential, like Edge once did, and…Boom shakalaka, The Mysterios come out and Rey will face them after these…
Ads (I can’t even with these stupid ad breaks!)
Well, we’re back and it’s…
Rey Mysterio vs. Damien Priest
Oh, and did I mention we’re halfway in the match. Well, Rey Rey is able to use high risk to take control but Priest starts to use power to overcome in his favor. Priest attempts with a wheelbarrow suplex, but it’s reversed to a bulldog to give Rey some space, and now he lands a huracanrana. Priest runs at him but Rey dodges to eat ring post, and Rey utilizes his high flying offense and attempts to dial up 619, but Balor is on the ring apron and blocks the call. He goes at Dominik and slams him into the crowd barrier. Rey attempts to fly to the outside, but Priest superkicks him. Priest is back on the attack briefly until Rey reverses and gets him on the middle ropes in prime position to dial up 619. He follows up for a flying huracanrana, but it’s reversed to a a Priest’s Edge and he gets the pin.
Your Winner via Pinfall: Damien Priest
After the match, Balor and Priest set up a Con-chair-to, and Priest is on the stick and gives Dominik a Sophie’s Choice: either join, or they take Rey’s head off. Dominik relents, and hey…it doesn’t work that way, and now Dominik gets the chair across his back. Oooh, feel the evil intentions as Judgment Day commeth, and that right soon.
As Seth Rollins is coming to ringside, that means we get…
Ads (Author’s Rant: You’re probably annoyed at this point every time I bring up an ad break right now, huh? Well, this is how I feel every time I try to get invested in a match, and I have *this* to contend with. Every. Single. Time. This is one of the myriad of reasons I do not recap RAW unless absolutely necessary. Plus, I get to inflict this torture on all of you, since it’s my form of Schadenfreude. But, let’s get you to…)
Seth “Freaking” Rollins vs. Ezekiel
The “Zeke Freaks” are hyped for Ezekiel, so props to him getting over with the crowd, unlike his “brother.” ‘Zeke is able to outwrestle Rollins, but it isn’t long before Rollins gets vicious on “Elias’ baby brother (hey, you buy the bit, you buy the premise.)” He gets sent out and Rollins follows with a tope suicida, but Ezekiel stops the momentum. He sends him back in the ring and now Ezekiel is up the top rope, but Rollins pulls him off and gets a knee to the back of his neck from the top, and that leads to…
Ads (See how annoying it is to put an ad in the middle of the action. It gets aggravating, right?)
We come back and Ezekiel is on offense, and gets a spinebuster for two count, but Rollins returns with a short superkick to cover but only gets a two count. Rollins attempts a curb stomp, but misses the mark and Ezekiel gets a backslide for two count. Rollins comes back with a Victory roll that gets another two count, but Ezekiel returns with a powerbomb to stack up Rollins, but can’t get the pin. Ezekiel is still in the fight, but Rollins knocks him down. Rollins goes for a spring board and eats a leaping knee in midair by Ezekiel for a close two count. Ezekiel goes up top, but Rollins cuts him off at the pass and nails with a superplex to a falcon arrow for another close two count. The end comes with Rollins setting up Ezekiel with a ripcord neckbreaker, and then follows to deliver the stomp. That combo finally puts away Ezekiel for good.
Your Winner: Seth “Freaking” Rollins
Rollins now has momentum on his side heading into SummerSlam.
Omos is preparing at Gorilla, and The Usos come out looking pleased as punch that he’s gonna soften up their tag team rivals. This is so good, they go out for a front row seat to the ass whupping coming up.
The Judgment Day still crowing about stomping him and Rey Mysterio, like they did with Edge (methinks they’re spreading that message quite a bit). Simply put, The Mysterios will fall when they come to see them again in Madison Square Garden next week as Rey Mysterio will be honored for his twenty years in the WWE. In summary, The Judgment Day will rise.
and now for…
Angelo Dawkins (with Montez Ford) vs. Omos (with MVP)
This was Dawkins’ match to win as he was able to stick and move against the larger Omos, but MVP trips him up in full view of the ref and…
Your winner via Disqualification: Angelo Dawkins
Adam Pearce comes out from the back and calls BS on this. He orders the match be restarted, but he makes this a tag team match with…
The Street Profits vs. Omos and MVP
Oh, and of course it will happen after these…
Ads (If you want to have some fun, drink every time this happens. Lord knows I did…but drink responsibly, and seriously pace yourself)
As we come back from the break, Omos just crushes the competition, and MVP is tagged I n the ring in street clothes, and he’s just ballin’ against Dawkins. Meanwhile, outside the ring, The Usos are happy with the mauling.
Dawkins gets the tag Ford, and it isn’t long before Omos makes short work of him. MVP tries to interfere, but Dawkins gets to the other side and pulls him off and sends him crashing into the Usos. Ford tries a frog splash, but Omos kicks out at one. He goes again, but one of the Usos push him off and again…
Your Winners via Disqualification: The Street Profits
Its really a Pyrrhic victory, as Omos double choke slams Dawkins and Ford, and they are worse for wear as SummerSlam approaches. The Usos pose with the Undisputed belts high over their heads, and they send a huge message to their rivals.
Sarah Schreiber is backstage and for reasons unknown,Veer Mahaan comes out and he spooks her. Then he giggles and heads off.
Okay, that was…yeah.
But now here’s The Miz to fantasize about Logan Paul withdrawing his challenge at SummerSlam. Schreiber asks what happens if he doesn’t, and Miz states that he better, otherwise he is an enemy.
Color me underwhelmed.
And now here’s Theory coming to ringside running his mouth. I will give him credit: he uses the “What?” chants to his advantage to show how everyone hates him, and no one is on his level. Finally, we get the Phenomenal One, AJ Styles, and he says they ain’t jealous of Theory…but they think he’s a jackass. He tees off on Theory, and suddenly Dolph Ziggler’s music hits, and that leads to…yeah, you guessed it…
Ads (Oh yeah. The genius juice has really seized control of my medulla oblongata, and get ready for a shift in my narrative as we head to…)
AJ Styles vs. Theory
As we are partway through the match, Styles is in the drivers seat, while Ziggler looks on intently. Theory manages to get back in control as he rams Styles head to the top turnbuckle. Styles is grounded but while Graves crows about the virtues for Theory (making me wonder for the first time if Carmella needs to have a conversation with her husband about his man-crush on the Wish app version of Sammy Guevara), Styles gets a back suplex to break up the hold, and dumps Theory to the outside. Now, he and Ziggler have a stare down, and Theory shoves him to the ground which leads to …
More Ads (come on, Monkeys in the Truck! You couldn’t wait a few more minutes?!)
Back to the match, Theory is in control as they show during the Ads how he knocked off Styles from the ropes to prevent a Phenomenal forearm. Theory nails with a rolling dropkick to a cradle backbreaker, but gets a two count. Now Theory gets Styles in a fireman’s carry, but he reverses and rolls into a Calf Crusher, and Theory quickly gets to the bottom ropes to break the hold. The action spills out of the ring, and Theory drops Styles’ head unceremoniously onto the commentary desk. He rolls Styles in in the ring, and Ziggler uses the opportunity to superkick Theory stupid. He is out cold and the ref didn’t see what happened and counts him out.
Your Winner via Countout: AJ Styles
After the match, Styles adds insult to injury with the Styles Clash. That should’ve been the match to send fans home happy.
It is not, and we *still* have almost thirty minutes left of the show. Ugh! Time for a triple!
Oh, WWE’s YouTube page gets 70 billion views. They’re the seventh channel to earn that distinction, which is more than the UFC, MLB, NBA, NFL, FIFA, ESPN, and all other alphabet organizations combined. So, yeah…I don’t care.
There’s plugs for the WWE SummerSlam show around the corner, with the highlight between Bianca Belair and Becky Lynch’s feud for the RAW Women’s title. It’s a cool video package, I’m not gonna lie, if you want to check it for yourself.
For some reason, we now get a six women tag tag team match with…
Alexa Bliss and Asuka and Dana Brooke vs DuDrop and Nikki A.S.H. and Tamina
My squashy sense is tingling, and I do not recap anything outside of WWE MAIN EVENT, so enjoy this Summer Squash Sauté, because I am officially checked out of this match. The only thing interesting was the fight for the 24/7 belt, which had Akira Tozawa, Nikki, Alexa Bliss, DuDrop, and Tamina, and back to Brooke winning the belt. Asuka mercifully puts an end with a crossface chicken wing, and…
Your Winners: Alexa Bliss, Dana Brooke, and Asuka
Domink and Rey Mysterio are backstage saying The Judgment Day will not be the first to try to stop them, nor the last. They’ll looking forward to seeing them at Madison Square Garden to show what The Mysterios are made of.
Now, for the moment no one was waiting for. Also, Corey Graves, no matter how much of your wife’s lipstick you put on this pig, it is still Logan Paul faces The Miz on MizTV.
There is a mix of boos/cheers for Paul as he comes out to the rig, with it being 60/40 boos, and Paul comes right out and asks Miz if he accepts his SummerSlam challenge. Miz wants to reminisce on their WrestleMania win, and Paul shows why he’s upset by the Skull Crushing Finale at the end of their match.
At this point, I was checked out of this segment. Wanna know how checked out I was? I was helping my roommate try to get into my Paramount subscription so he could watch Team USA vs. Canada in women’s CONCACAF action. So, priorities.
But here are the bullet points of what happened, as:
- Paul challenges Miz
- Miz says no
- Paul gets fans to chant “Tiny B***s at Miz (so long, PG programming!)
- Miz accepts
- They brawl
The only interesting thing is Tomasso Ciampa attacks Paul from behind, but the youngster fights back and gets out of the ring, and now I’m done with this show.
That was the most painful three hours of my life I will never get back. With six matches, the only standouts we’re Lynch/Belair/Carmella and Rollins/Ezekiel. The rest was fair to middling.
But ending the show with Paul/Miz? No, Just…no. That should’ve belonged to a better match like Belair or anyone else. Hell, the six women match would’ve been ideal. Alas, this is what we’re stuck with. I know Paul and Miz are critic proof at this point, but this was not worth my time, and does not make me want to invest in watching SummerSlam.
Until then, see you later (hopefully much later for a RAW segment).