It’s Friday night and you know what that means? No, not to overtake Smackdown in the ratings (that ain’t happening anytime soon). It’s AEW Rampage. 

Folks, if I sound a tad underwhelmed, it’s because Sammy Guevara is facing Action Andretti for I believe the umpteenth time, Konosuke Takeshita will battle Preston Vance,and in the Main Event Riho and Nyla Rose will continue their rivalry.

Yeah, you’re not feeling this, either eh?  That’s why I get paid the money to recap the things that you probably passed by with your remote.  So before we go to ringside from the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, CA, where Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, Chris Jericho, and Jim Ross have the call, allow me to do the following, and this is what I imagine will be the first of the…

Milagro Manifesto

I have never been fully on the “AEW is better than WWE” bandwagon as opposed to my friends who proclaimed it a Mecca of great proportions. Now maybe it has to do with my Catholic school upbringing (in Utah) that made me a contrarian, or maybe it’s because I’m old enough to remember the Rise and Fall of WCW, or maybe I have an allergy to hyperbole when it’s done ad nauseum.

Don’t get me wrong. We as wrestling fans *need* an alternative to what WWE has been shoveling down our eyeballs for a loooong time. I do believe that when AEW sets up bookings with the right wrestlers that engage the fans, AEW is more than a match for any Sports entertainment that WWE has to offer.

But it’s things like the bookings on Rampage where it feels like an afterthought or leftover matches that ran over AEW DARK.  That does the opposite of engaging, me and thus brings out my inner snark.

I have been threatening to do this for a while, and one day I need to go over how AEW as a whole has been doing since its inception and really go over their business and booking plans in full detail. Such an undertaking will need me to peruse some serious Old Testament wisdom and read tea leaves from financial “wizards” at CNBC, whilst maintaining a steady intake of caffeine and Kaluha to properly comprehend the sometimes slapdash stitching that seems to make up AEWs thinking on creating matches and hiring practices.

But that is not this day. I’m in a mindset that is more “meh” than selectively “outraged” at the moment. However, if Tony Khan and company continue their apathetic approach to Rampage programming, then it behooves me to respond the only way I know how:

By recapping with Haikus in Review™

Thus endeth the First Manifesto

But let’s go to the First Match of the night and it’s…

Sammy Guevara vs. Action Andretti

If this feels familiar, this is almost the exact match I wrote up a couple of weeks ago.  The difference is that no one from the JAS is at ringside, but you know how this is gonna go, right?  So here’s your first Haiku In Review.

*ahem*

Andretti beats down

Guevara, but Garcia

Helps Spanish Goid win.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Sammy Guevara

Darby Allin wants to be himself, but even with all the accolades he thinks he is getting further away from what makes him unique.  He says he has a few things to do in AEW before he goes out in a blaze of glory.  

Ok.  That was cryptic, even for Allin.

“Jungle Boy” Jack Perry reflects on his win against Christian Cage in the Final Burial match on AEW Revolution. The chapter has ended, but Perry appreciates how Cage ultimately taught him how to pick his shot, and he warns everyone in AEW that has a title around their waist that he will pick his shot against one of them.

Hobbs talks about the new chapter from his book as he holds the TNT Championship.  QT Marshall is by his side and talks the debut of QTV and teases about how next week we’ll find out who broke into Wardlow’s car.

and we now head to ringside for…

The Acclaimed (Max Caster and Anthony Bowens, with “Daddy Ass” Billy Gunn) vs. Jack Cartwheel and Starboy Charlie.

The most memorable part of this segment is a fan holding up a sign that says, “Moms First AEW.” Nice.  As for the match, wellll…

*ahem*

The Acclaimed are loved.

Cartwheel and Starboy both get

A Mic Check. Bye bye.

Your Winners via Pinfall:  The Acclaimed

Matt Menard and Angelo Parker made their presence felt after the match at the top of the ramp, and The Acclaimed (like me) disregard them as a threat and gives the fans what they want with a Scissor Victory.

I don’t know if that’s a thing, but let’s run with it.

Earlier Wednesday, the JAS challenged for the AEW Trios Championships against The House of Black and The Elite on next week’s AEW Dynamite in Winnipeg, MB.  That looks to be a barn burner.

Don Callis joins the commentary table as he scouts during the match between…

Courtesy of AEW

Konosuke Takeshita vs. “Perro Peligroso” Preston Vance (with Jose the Assistant)

They are trying to sell this as a huge bout between two big men, but I will sell this via the Power of Haiku™:

*ahem*

Vance shows Takeshita

He’s Perro Peligroso,

But gets backslided.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Konosuke Takeshita

Swerve Strickland says he overestimated Keith Lee, and his Affiliates Bordreaux and Trench are on the shelf. He gives his former tag partner and current bitter enemy credit but lets us know he has more bullets in his chamber.  He tells Lee to enjoy the spoils of this battle, but he won’t lose this war.

Mark Briscoe is in the ring and puts over “The baddest tag team of the planet:  The Briscoe Brothers” as the thirteen-time ROH Tag Team Champions.  But since Jay cannot defend the belts with Mark, he went up to Khan and made a proposal for Supercard of Honor.  He lets the fans know that night will be a “Reach for the Sky” ladder match for the tag team titles, and he brings out the first entrants in this tournament; Penta 0 M and Rey Fenix, The Lucha Bros.  Everyone celebrates, and that looks like it will be a great PPV for that night!

Hook and his “feud” with Stokely Hathaway will come to a head when he faces the Cold Hearted Handsome Devil.

There is a nice video package of the rivalry between Riho and Nyla Rose during the early days of the AEW Women’s Championship. Oh, how far they have fallen on the card in the women’s division.  

I hate that I have to do this for the Main Event between…

Riho vs. Nyla Rose (with Marina Shafir)

Sadly, I need to commit to the bit, so…

*ahem*

Rose is a Beast

Against smaller Riho, but

Rollup gets Native.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Riho

After the match, Shafir and Rose beat down Riho, proving what sore losers they are.  Satisfied with their handiwork, they walk up the ramp and then Toni Storm, Saraya, and Ruby Soho show up.  There is a tense showdown before Rose and SHafir walk on by, and the trio make a beeline to the ring and spray paint a neon green “L” to make an example of the beaten Riho.  The women admire their handiwork to a chorus of boss as the show fades to black.

 

AEW Rampage - 0310/2023
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Final Thoughts via Haiku in Review:

Bland booking makes show

Barely interesting, so

See you in seven.