Okay, okay… I came into Girl on the Third Floor because I saw CM Punk’s name in the cast list. I admit it. I wondered to myself, “Punk is in this film? Really?” Horror movies, especially the ones with so many jump scares, aren’t usually the types I watch. Punk’s movie was one of the many exceptions I’ve made over the years. It’s not as popular as the Insidious series or It, so I wanted to try.

I didn’t expect to dislike it so much. What was strange was that it received decent ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, but not on IMDB, nor from me. The movie felt oddly empty to me. Oh, society. What’s wrong with you?

For those who don’t know, Phillip Jack Brooks, better known as his ring name CM Punk, is a former WWE wrestler. I recently found out he brawls for AEW now. Watching him wrestle growing up was enthralling. There aren’t many like him. I liked that he had some sort of punk-ness to his persona, it made him stand out; it’s the same for other stars like Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, Bautista, The Rock, John Cena, The Undertaker, Kane, Brock Lesnar, Rey Mysterio, Triple H, Mark Henry, Big Show — they each have a distinctiveness to them.

Punk is also part of a reality show called Ultimate Beast Master on Netflix. Haven’t seen it as I’m writing this, but it seems promising. He also participated in the TV series called Heels and got involved in the comic book business because he’s a fan. I was genuinely excited to see him in an acting environment… and it turned out that was a slight mistake on his part. Luckily, Punk has gone back to wrestling. Phew. I mean, why not? He is a part of the first class of the Ring of Honor Hall of Fame.

But, seriously speaking, what is this MOVIE? I would have named it Girl Who Gave me an Eye Sore. Fitting. Without further ado, this is Girl on the Third Floor, which came out in 2019.

There are two things I had a problem with in this film: CM Punk’s character and the plot. I got shivers after I finished it, not the freaked out kind, the “I want to strip this motion picture from my brain and skin” kind of shivers. It didn’t work…

I did, however, like the opening and ending credits with the font they used to introduce the setting of the film and the freaky doorbell. But those were a few of the elements I liked. The summary goes as follows: “A husband with a bad track record tries to start anew by renovating a rundown Victorian for his family, only to find he’s tackled a house out of hell.” It should be fun!

When it comes to the characters I didn’t mind the next door Protestant pastor, Ellie Mueller, who brought bourbon at the start of the movie, she was trying a bit too hard to be quirky — “Don’t sweat it, slick,” she said, but I did like her. As well as CM Punk’s character Don’s wife, Liz, you meet her through video calls for most of the movie though, Don’s black best friend, Milo, and Geary the bar tenant.

My problem with Don is his presence on screen. Every time I saw him, I wanted to look anywhere else. I’m sure that’s how Punk had to play the character, but it doesn’t mean I should like it. Normally, the lead is meant to be relatable and liked ever so much, yet I didn’t like Don. At all. Throughout the entirety of the movie he manages to cheat on Liz with a clearly shady and creepy girl, not woman, girl named Sarah. She looked at least 22 while he’s 35. I see him in his underwear during his first night in the new house. I don’t need to see potential dick. Please. Wow, that was foreshadowing. Oh, let’s not forget that Don immediately watches inappropriate videos on his phone after speaking with Liz. Their relationship felt non-existent to me. He shared more of a connection with the “other woman.”

“Anything else you wanna show me?” said Sarah, and I was like “Yeah, the door.” I still don’t think Don felt as guilty as he performed it when Sarah asked to do it again, but he did learn to not go there a second time. And another thing, swearing can be added to make a scene more impactful or comical, but when you overuse the foul language, it gets irritating to hear every 10 minutes. You hear f-bombs there and the s-word here too much. Don is what I like to call an “over swearing mouth slipper.”

There was a moment where Don is confronted by Milo after he witnessed Don and Sarah exchanging words in the kitchen, about his cheating habits towards Liz. I wanted to mention the strange camera work they did during this chat. It felt like I was invading a Skype call. It was weird. Don looks straight at the audience when he says: “It is what it is” with no remorse whatsoever about his actions.

Don is an ass, and even more so that he defrauded his clients at a law firm he was formerly employed at. I was genuinely interested in knowing more about how he did it and why. Alas, none of that.

As they do in every horror movie, when it comes to the plot, there’s a section where the characters try to put the pieces together to figure out what the hell is going on. They research, they ask around like Don should have done with Geary. His reaction to Don purchasing the house he accurately called a “whorehouse” was the ideal opportunity to get answers or question Mueller because she knew more than she was letting on.

When Liz arrives at the house, she finds it with holes in the wall and stuffed newspapers. Apparently, I was right when I initially thought the building used to be a brothel. The police were looking for lost girls they weren’t able to find, and somehow, Sarah is in league with one of them. Even after screening the motion picture twice, I still didn’t like it. The message behind it was that Sarah, along with other girls from that brothel, were sexually admired by men, but they didn’t care once these girls were murdered and their bodies were never found. Men are given too much power and freedom for their bull.

Sarah showed a very strong hatred towards men and tested Don as Ellie Mueller mentions throughout the film, Don is just like the others who are just as unfaithful, untrustworthy, and insensitive. He couldn’t, or can’t, control his desire for sexual interactions and lies — Liz deserved better. She was the one who did the research and gave this little girl’s deceased body a proper burial. This was about testing men’s disgusting tendency to cheat and slip their stick in. Oddly empty in the sense that a lot happened but also nothing did, there weren’t enough characters to watch out for, nor like. I said I kind of liked Ellie Mueller, but all this swerving around could have been dealt with earlier if she just said something instead of traumatizing a pregnant Liz and almost getting her killed. The characters I did like didn’t give me enough. Liz is the only saving grace this movie has.

I understand the story now, but I still don’t like it.  Anyway, “It’s Saturday, idiot.” said Milo “Nice doorbell.”

Girl on the Third Floor (2019)

Tag Line: Home is where Hell is
Directed By: Travis Stevens
Written By: Travis Stevens, Greg Newman (story), Trent Haaga (story), Ben Parker (story), Paul Johnstone (story)
Cast: Phil “CM Punk” Brooks, Trieste Kelly Dunn, Sarah Brooks, Elissa Dowling
Runtime: 1 hour and 33 minutes.



TOP PHOTO: CM Punk during an interview.


Slam Wrestling's Hollywood Headlock Rating Scale:

1: Unsafe Worker (Avoid!)
2: Pre-Show Performer
3: Mid-Card Material
4: Main Eventer
5: World Title Winner