When the twins got pregnant, it was inevitable that the focus of this season of Total Bellas would focus on their pregnancies. And while the miracle of birth is something that should be celebrated and cherished, as far as TV goes, it sucks.
Because instead of going into Brie Mode (i.e. getting drunk) and partying in the pool with scantily-clad WWE divas, or arguing about which one was smarter (the answer: neither of them), or showing clips of them wrestling (i.e. botching), all they do now is talk about being pregnant, complain about being pregnant, or discuss the biology of being pregnant. I never thought I’d ever say I wish that Total Bellas could be more like how it used to be – because if you’ve been reading these reviews, you know I didn’t like how it used to be. But at least they didn’t talk about mucus plugs back then. Which takes us to this week’s recap.
In the first scene, Brie brings Nikki a mucus plug, whatever that is, to try to educate her on women’s body parts. Do yourself a favour, and don’t Google mucus plugs. Trust me.
Later, Nikki visits Brie’s place and Birdie wants nothing to do with Nikki – she must have seen her wrestle. Their father Jonathan calls and he wonders if the girls are going to have a baby shower. They aren’t sure, because of all the social distancing restrictions. And all the family drama, since Kathy and JJ still want nothing to do with him, and Nikki and JJ have been fighting a lot recently about politics. Brie wants Nikki to have the full baby experience, which includes a shower, but Nikki isn’t keen on the idea. They then talk about leaky nipples. If I ever started a band, I think I’d name it Leaky Nipples.
Nikki buys Artem a pair of Speedos because he’s now a cyclist. He’s out there riding a bike almost every day, probably because he’s trying to leave the house whenever he can and avoid discussions about leaky nipples. Nikki’s jealous of his body, because he looks better in a tight blouse than she does.
Later, Brie tells Nikki about mesh underwear, and then there’s more talk about bodily fluids. Then Brie makes Nikki watch her birthing video, and Brie reminisces about her delivery day. Brie says she wants a vaginal birth this time, because Birdie was a C-section baby. Seriously, can’t they go on hiatus until the kids are born so we don’t have to hear this stuff? #TMI
Nikki surprises Artem with the news that Kathy is going to be his new cycling partner. He has no desire to hang out with Kathy, but instead of heading straight for the hills like he should, he agrees. Kathy and Artem go for a ride and yenta it up like a couple of old biddies.
Meanwhile, the girls are on Maria Menounos’ podcast, and it’s cute that she says she read their book, because let’s be honest, nobody believes she can read. Afterwards, the twins talk about JJ and Nikki’s tenuous relationship with him. Brie suggests Nikki extend an olive branch to him, but Nikki sounds like she only wants to extend her middle finger.
The girls mangle the English language when doing promo videos, and then touch each other bellies to feel the babies kick. Again, more vagina talk, and then they start talking about Nikki’s baby’s reproductive organ – so kind of like a Russian nesting doll of gross.
Speaking of Russians and grossness, Artem and Kathy are now BFFs, hiking together and gabbing it up. They agree to go on hikes three times a week, because it’s good to have girl time together. During one kibbitz session, Artem asks Kathy if she’d go to the shower if they had one, and she says no, because she doesn’t want to have to deal with Jonathan.
Artem comes back home, and lets the twins know that Kathy wouldn’t come to the shower, so that puts Nikki off the idea altogether. He also says that he and Kathy will be going golfing regularly as well.
Later, Brie and Bryan’s doula gives Nikki and Artem a virtual lesson in breathing, because apparently not enough oxygen is getting to their brains. In a talking head segment, Brie confesses that she’s afraid of having a second baby after her last experience. She has a bit of a breakdown during the doula session, and lets Bryan know of her fears. He talks her off the edge.
Artem and Kathy go golfing together, and the girls are jealous, since they’re both stuck at home being pregnant. Their narcissism makes them realize that people shouldn’t be allowed to have fun without them, so they decide to uninvitedly join them. But first, they talk about stretch marks and itchiness, and I really want to throw up right now.
The girls go and stalk Artem and Kathy on the golf course. They crash the game, and Nikki says she was a putt-putt queen – which sounds like even more bodily functions, but who knows. In a talking head segment, Kathy says she liked her alone time with Artem because whenever the girls are around, it becomes all about them, and she likes not having them around. I guess we know who’s been poisoning little Birdie’s mind. Artem doesn’t appear too pleased with the girls being there either, but because Nikki’s his meal ticket, he’s smart enough to keep his mouth shut.
Back at home, the girls talk to a family therapist to see how they can fix the situation with JJ. They explain the situation, and the therapist suggests that Nikki reach out to JJ and set boundaries for when they have disagreements. Nikki agrees that’s better than just shutting out the family entirely, so now she feels prepared to have the baby shower.
At home, Bryan makes Brie watch the birthing video again, and it’s no less gross a second time. But she realizes that no matter what kind of pregnancy she has, it’s all about the baby. Which, sadly, seems to be the theme for this season. Sigh.