Total Divas: Carmella is a home-wrecker who can’t rap; Ronda never shuts her trap; Nia Jax’s knee goes snap; two weeks of this show will make you tap

With its relatively large cast, you’d think that finding some interesting stories would be easy for the Total Divas producers. Alas, this season has largely focused on Carmella’s romance with Corey Graves, Sonya’s girlfriend woes, and Ronda’s ability to tick everyone off. Not much changes, as we do a double-header recap of the episodes from the past two episodes.

Last Week’s Episode

Backstage, Charly Caruso is showing off her black granny panties. Meanwhile, Ronda is in the ring, bullying Stephanie McMahon and turning heel. Nia remarks about how much Ronda has been trash-talking some of the girls on social media, and Nia thinks it’s disrespectful to the entire women’s roster. She notes that the rest of the women have paved the way for Ronda to get into the business. She says as much to Ronda backstage after the show, and Ronda chases her down to clear the air, but Nia won’t hear her out. Nattie tells Ronda that Nia’s prone to being a loudmouth.

Trinity wants to go party with the girls – including the Iconics – and invites them all to Pensacola. She wants to throw an epic party like the Bellas do. Should be easy – just get everyone into Brie Mode and forget how to wrestle.

Carmella is happy because she’s going to drive home with Corey Graves after the show. This is the first time they’re going to be spending time together in public – yet everyone on social media apparently knows about the romance, as the online trolls keep calling her out for ruining Graves’ marriage.

Trinity shows Jimmy Uso the house she’s rented for the party. Jimmy dumps on the idea, mocking Trinity for thinking that the Australians will feel right at home in Florida. I don’t know… they both are littered with beaches and crocodiles, so seems reasonable to me. But whatever.

At the Rousey farm, Ronda tells Travis about her beef with Nia, and he says that Ronda is the main attraction of the roster, so everyone else should shut their jealous mouths. He suggests they start looking at her post-WWE career options. Judging from her actions and comments towards her donkey, maybe she’ll be doing one of those mythical “Bachelor Party” shows. #EarlyTomHanks

Corey apparently lives like a college student, as the only food he has in the house is bagels and Pop Tarts. So he and Carmella order in – they don’t go out, because Carmella doesn’t want to run into anyone that knows him for fear of being harassed. He tells her that at some point, they need to leave the apartment and go out in public, despite her reluctance.

At lunch, Ronda tells Travis she wants to get pregnant, and it looks like that restaurant is going to lose a Michelin star. They talk about her career, and he suggests she join him in his apparel business. She’s reluctant to join him in this inevitable business failure, but as she’s thinking of hanging up the boots, it may be an option.

In Pensacola, Trinity and Liv Morgan have been decorating the house in advance of the Iconics’ arrival. But they are apparently idiots as they’ve mistaken the British flag as the Australian one. Which some snowflake will likely consider to be racist.

Corey’s rented a car to take him and Carmella out on the town. They go to a chocolate shop and while they’re out, some planted extra yells out “Homewrecker!” at them, ruining the vibe of the day. Corey tells her to not let it bother her.

Nia gets to the party house, and is surprised to learn that the Iconics don’t drink. Party poopers. Nia confesses that she drinks a lot, and somewhere Renee Young is drunkenly slurring, “b*itch, please.” Nia tells the girls that she went off on Ronda, and they’re all surprised.

Carmella is still upset, so gorges on the chocolate she bought to cheer herself up. Corey tries to help by taking her to a dance class, which she finds to be so romantic. But then some woman comes in and asks if she can take a photo of them for the local newspaper, which darkens the mood. After the lesson (sadly, no Fandango sighting), they review the events of the day. Corey tries to minimize the awkward incidents, suggesting that they didn’t distract from their sweet date, but Carmella isn’t so sure.

Ronda and Travis go see their apparel partner who has some samples for them to review. They look like typical hoodies and yoga pants, so not sure what distinguishes them from everything else. But they seem to win over Ronda, and she agrees to join Travis in the venture. Boy, when they inevitably divorce, this is going to make things pretty awkward.

The party house girls hit the clubs. The Iconics seem to be getting bored watching the rest get into Brie Mode, and want to pack it in early. Nia starts dwelling on the Ronda situation again, which Trinity is not happy about, since it’s ruining everyone’s good time. The girls drop the Iconics back at the house, but the rest of them go out partying some more. Charly really gets into the spirit, and somewhere Renee Young lifts her head off the bar counter and is like, “What’s this? A worthy challenger, perhaps?” Meanwhile, Nia says that this is a good time for her to just calm down and forget about the pressures at work.

The next morning, the Iconics tell Trinity that they’re tired of the other girls constantly partying, so they’re going to head home early. Trinity’s disappointed – and sad that her first time hosting a party has gone so miserably for them – but what can ya do?

Backstage, Ronda is walking on eggshells backstage, but is on fire in the ring, with a full-fledged heel turn.

At the beach house, a bunch of random dudes show up, because Liv Morgan – while in full Brie Mode at the club the night before – had drunkenly invited them over to a party, unbeknownst to anyone else. Trinity is concerned by the party-crashers, especially when a bunch of Irish guys invade with a bunch of kegs. The party turns high-octane quickly, to Trinity’s dismay, as she’s worried about damage to the place. Fears that prove well-placed when Liv takes a tumble and spills a bunch of alcohol all over the place, including dousing Charly. Trinity loses it and calls an immediate end to the party. Nia is surprised, since Trinity is normally the easy-going one. Nia tells her she needs to calm down and embrace the chaos, so starts smashing stuff in the house. This prompts other to do the same. Trinity, for her part gets the point, and starts to just enjoy herself.

Corey has a special dinner planned for Carmella, and has promised that nobody will bother them. Safe bet, since he’s rented out a private room at the restaurant, which he’s decorated with flowers all around. They discuss what’s going on, and Carmella apologizes for fixating on the negative stuff. They agree to do naked dirty things together, and there’s another restaurant that’s going to lose its health certificate. She decides to not use the back door with him for once. No, not that, you pervs. She’s just confident enough in the relationship to exit through the front door, not caring about who sees them or what anyone may say.

Backstage, Nia comes up to Ronda and apologizes for her earlier comments. She explains that she respects Ronda and the work Ronda has put into wrestling, but got caught up with stress and jealously and unfairly took it out on Ronda. Ronda fully understands, and all is good again.

This Week’s Episode

At brunch, Sonya tells Nattie that she’s booked a vacation with her girlfriend Arianna. She says that she wants to take the relationship slowly – althought inviting her to WrestleMania weekend where she’ll be under the scrutiny of the entire roster seems a bit contradictory. A few of the other girls show up, and Nattie starts to defend Ronda Rousey, who’s ticked off many of the girls with her inflammatory social media posts where she calls wrestling “fake”. Then they all gossip about Nia’s recent sexual cold spell. Saucer of milk for table one, please.

Backstage at FastLane, Nia is frustrated (not just sexually) because she feels nobody takes her seriously as a wrestler. Well, maybe being careless and breaking peoples’ faces isn’t a good start, no? Nattie suggests she try something new at WrestleMania, like going off the top rope. Nia’s afraid of heights, but says she’ll think about it. Nattie then brings up Nia’s ambush on Ronda from last week, but Nia explains that she and Ronda are cool. Nattie mentions that Nia can be very hate-able because of her attitude, but when Nia prods her for details of who hates her, Nattie sidesteps the question.

Later, Nattie talks to Carmella and Charly about Nia’s volatility, saying that Nia has been on edge lately, attacking Carmella, Ronda, and others recently. Nattie says that she simply wants peace in the locker room, because that’s what is going to make everyone perform better.

Sonya gets a call from Arianna’s mother, who’s a realtor, and suggests that Sonya buy a house in Tampa for her and Arianna. But Arianna still wants to take it slow, and isn’t ready to move in with someone quite just yet.

At TV, Ronda sets up her Mania match with Becky and Charlotte, and she’s amped about it. Nattie tells her that all the girls are mad with Ronda, and that it’s fine to be a heel on TV, but backstage, you need to cool your jets. Ronda says that if anyone has a problem with what she’s said, they should just tell her.

R-Truth tries to teach Carmella how to rap and sing, for their Mania entrance, but Carmella is a pretty useless music student, not even knowing what a bar is. She should ask Renee Young.

Sonya and Arianna are house-hunting with Arianna’s mom, who’s seemingly already planned the wedding, which throws Sonya off-kilter. She keeps dropping hints about the two of them having kids someday, and this further unnerves Sonya. God, this lady is so overbearing and annoying… seriously, she’s been on TV for less than a minute, and already I hope she gets hit by a train at full speed. Or A-Train.

Nia’s in the gym, and, wow, she’s powerful. Nattie notices Nia’s favouring her knee, and in a talking head segment, Nia reveals her knees have been hurting her for some time.

At the farm, Ronda whines to Travis about how the other girls don’t get her, and that if she trashes them online, it’s because she thinks she has to do so to protect her character. Or something like that. It’s hard to explain, because she apparently thinks that she and her character are one and the same. Bret Hart Syndrome, some would say. Travis suggests he invite them over so they can see the real Ronda Rousey.

After house-hunting, Liv Morgan joins Sonya, Arianna, and annoying mom for brunch. Liv finds Sonya’s predicament hilarious, so starts stirring the waters. She suggests that Arianna should move to Fort Lauderdale, instead of them trying to make Sonya move to Tampa. But Arianna won’t consider it, the rationale being that since Sonya is on the road all the time, they should move to where Arianna wants. Arianna says that moving to Fort Lauderdale is a deal-breaker for her. Also, she doesn’t want to move away from her mom – apparently, only an exorcist will get rid of her.

R-Truth and Carmella head to a music studio to record their new theme. Trinity is there, ostensibly to record some music of her own, but really just for “plot device” purposes. Carmella is tone-deaf and can’t sing a note. The only good thing about her in the studio is her awesome nWo jacket. R-Truth dumps all over her attempts and suggests Trinity take over, so Carmella leaves in a huff.

The next morning, Trinity checks in on Carmella, who says she was overwhelmed by the singing experience. Trinity gives her a pep talk, and Carmella, confidence renewed, calls Truth and says to book the studio again, because this time, she’s going to kill it.

Nattie takes Nia to the Performance Centre to teach her how to do a top rope move. And we get a Norman Smiley appearance! #BigWiggle. Nia fails miserably at climbing the ropes, and she says it’s because her knee is too weak. Nattie and Norman encourage her, and she finally gets it right, delivering a series of Superfly Splashes off the top onto the training dummy. Later, Nia heads to the trainer’s office because the pain in her knee is unbearable.

In the music studio, Carmella redeems herself (or, more accurately, the auto-tune app does). She and R-Truth are both happy with the song.

Sonya seeks Liv’s advice about the house purchase. Liv doesn’t have anything good to say about Arianna, and asks Sonya why she’s the one making all the sacrifices for the relationship. Sonya is stressed about making the wrong decision, saying that she’s not sure if she’s ready for such a commitment. Liv tells her that if it’s meant to be, Sonya wouldn’t have such doubts.

Sonya then talks with Arianna, and says that she’s feeling too much pressure to buy a house at this time. Arianna agrees to hold off on moving in with each other, and let things play out naturally. Elsewhere, Arianna’s mom is sharpening up her knives.

Nia tells Nattie that she’s happy that she was able to do a move off the top in practice, but she’s not sure she wants to do it on a real life opponent on the big stage. Nattie questions why she wants to do a move off the top anyway. Wait, what? You were the one who suggested it earlier in the episode, you maniac. Anyway, Nattie suggests Nia only wants to do that to shut up the critics who call out Nia for being a lousy wrestler. Just ask Becky… she nose what I’m talking about. Nattie then says Nia should simply go back to being a bad wrestler on the ground only.

Backstage, Ronda and Liv are hanging out, and Ronda invites her over to the farm. Ronda says the invitation is open to the full roster. Liv, meanwhile, has no idea where babies come from.

Nia gets the MRI results for her knee, and the doctor tells her that she has a ruptured ACL. It’s unclear if she will lose medical clearance to wrestle. And on that hopeful note, the episode comes to an end.

Bob Kapur has never wrecked a marriage, but not for lack of trying. E-mail him your relationship horror stories at bobkapur@hotmail.com