This past weekend’s double feature finale saw a number of twists and turns in the lives of the Divas. After some comic misadventures involving their brother’s “little Bella”, Nikki and Brie had to consider if the WWE would be left with no Bellas whatsoever. Meanwhile, Eva Marie and Jonathan took over from Nattie and TJ in terms of airing out their relationship issues on-screen. While Paige began and ended a relationship of her own. Check out the full recap for all the details.
The show starts off with Paige and Alicia Fox giving Rosa a bikini wax, and frankly, if they showed that for the entire two hours of this season finale, I would be just fine with that. But, seeing as I don’t think they will, in order to make this show more bearable, I’m going to write this report while playing the Total Divas Drinking Game that I made up. Send me a note if you want the official rules.
Later, Paige receives a delivery of new wrestling boots when her friend Bradley calls. He’s apparently a terrible singer for a lousy band based on the short video clip they show, who has designs on Paige. But she tells Ariane that she just thinks of him as a friend, possibly with benefits, but not in a relationship way. Seriously? I’m available, Paige. She invites Bradley and his loser friends on a road trip with Rosa and Alicia to some beach house.
Backstage, Nattie and TJ go visit Grumpy Cat whose the guest host of RAW. Nattie talks to the cat’s owners, because she wants her and TJ’s cat to become just as famous.
It’s a week before Survivor Series, and Nikki is in the hunt for the Divas title held by AJ Lee.
The BFFs are at their beach house, and decide to spy on Bradley in the shower. He takes this as an opportunity to ask Paige out, but she says no. Meanwhile, Rosa and Alicia get into bikinis and hit the hot tub, and that’s awesome.
The Bellas are hanging out with their cousins when they both get a text from their brother JJ – a naked selfie that was intended for his wife. Brie says they should forget it happened, but Nikki thinks they should make fun of him for the rest of his life.
On the beach, the BFFs and Bradley’s posse head out on some jet-skis, and it’s another opportunity for them to get into bikinis again, so not a waste of a TV segment.
Brie and Daniel Bryan are scooping up dog poop in their backyard, and talk turns to Bryan’s autobiography that he’s writing while off with injury. He says he’s planning on writing about the first time they tried to have sex, which involved Sheamus and two cowoboys. Brie tells Bryan he should write about her brother’s naked text. They say the word “penis” too many times in my view.
Nattie is busy, so she asks her mom to take care of her cats. I wonder how many of them she’ll accidentally kill, since we need some drama in this episode.
At the beach house, Paige is throwing a tantrum for some reason, while Rosa is jumping up and down in a bikini. Don’t really care why. They all go out to the beach, where Paige starts flirting in front of some guy right in front of Bradley.
Brie’s brother comes over to visit, and she brings up his selfie. She spills that Nikki showed the picture to all of their cousins, and he gets understandably ticked off. Brie sides with him on this one.
Nikki and TJ take a look at the decorative changes Nattie’s mom has made to their house, which they don’t like. And to their cats. She brings them back from the groomers and one of them has a spastic, uneven fur-cut, while the other one looks like a mini-lion, with a shaved body and furry head. Nattie’s upset because she thinks it will blow any chance her cats having of collaborating with Grumpy Cat on future projects, and I feel stupider watching any show where that sentence is actually a thing.
Back on the beach, and the girls are having a ball on a sunset cruise. Bradley starts singing on the open mic stage, and it’s so bad, I can’t believe everyone else didn’t jump right off that boat and swim to shore. But the girls seemed to like it, especially Paige who starts making out with Bradley. After the cruise, Bradley confides to Alicia that he’s interested in dating Paige. Alicia tells him to man up and stop being all emo about it, and just tell her how he feels.
The Bellas, Bryan, and Mama Bella are out for lunch. Brie tells Nikki that she told JJ that Nikki showed his naked pix to everyone. He clearly is upset about it, because he doesn’t come for lunch as planned, though his wife does. Nikki decides to go to his house to apologize.
That night, Bradley asks Paige if she wants to go for a drink with him after their group dinner. She says no, and he starts whining, saying that she runs hot and cold. She says that she just wants to have fun with no strings. He says she should either admit she has feelings for him or he’ll leave – and she picks door number one. Don’t let that door hit your arse on the way out, you wuss.
The Bellas go to JJ’s place, and he’s fuming. Nikki tries to justify what she did, and blames him for not having a sense of humour, which naturally doesn’t help. He retaliates by basically calling her a dirty stripper, so she leaves in a snit.
At the beach house, Paige tells Alicia and Rosa about the fight she had with Bradley. They ask her if she’s being honest about not wanting a relationship with him, and she breaks down, admitting to them that she’s just scared of relationships in general after a bad experience in which she got really hurt. After a good cry with her BFFs, she says she doesn’t want to be that vulnerable again. Alicia and Rosa remind Paige that Bradley isn’t that same guy, and that he’s a nice guy. They don’t mention that his singing is awful and that I’d be much better for her. But she still goes and gets him before he leaves the house, and tells him about her past hurtful relationship. She tells him that she likes him, but is afraid to get into a commitment. Of course, him being a needy wuss, he forgives her. She says that perhaps she can consider a relationship with him now. Dammit.
Back home, the BFFs are out and get a text from Nikki. The gods of irony are on JJ’s side, it seems, as Nikki has accidentally publicly posted a love note from her to John Cena. She assumes that JJ must have hacked into her account and posted the note as revenge, but Brie admits to having done it. By posting it, Brie feels that Nikki will then see how JJ must have felt when Nikki showed off the picture of his junk. Nikki understands… but then vows to get revenge on Brie.
Some time has passed since the last episode, as Paige tells the BFFs that Bradley will be going to the show that night because they are now an item. Meanwhile, Eva Marie returns from her surgery.
Backstage, WWE suit Mark Carrano brings the Bellas their renewal contracts for them to sign. The sisters discuss it, and realize that if they signed for another three years, they will be in their mid-thirties when it’s over.
Eva Marie and her manager – her husband Jonathan – meet up with a cosmetic company to do an endorsement shoot. Eva mentions she has to clear the deal with WWE, but Jonathan tells her to ixnay the uble-you-uble-you-e-day talk lest that scupper the deal.
The Bellas are out for brunch with their ridiculously pregnant friend – seriously, it looks like this girl is fourteen months along. She tells the Bellas about another friend who’s in labour at that moment. This gets Brie feeling baby fever even more than before. And even Nikki starts talking about how much she misses a life where she’s not on the road all the time.
Bradley and Paige are at the hotel and she’s giddy about their blossoming relationship. She asks him if he wants to move in with her to combat the fact that they won’t necessarily see each other much otherwise, being that they are both on the road for their job. He hesitates, and she takes that as a negative. He says that it’s too soon, and that he can’t consider it until she at least meets his mother.
Nikki heads in for a meeting with the producers from Extra.
Over lunch, Brie tells Bryan that she has been thinking about motherhood, but that she doesn’t know if she should give up her salary to do so. Bryan tells her that he earns enough to support them on his income alone, and that if she wants to raise a family, that’s fine with him.
Eva is at the photoshoot, and looks amazing, while Jonathan barks orders out like he’s Col. Tom Parker or something.
Nikki comes out of her meeting and feels like she has plenty of opportunities to explore. She meets with a casting agent who blows a lot of smoke up her butt about being mega-talented. The agent tells Nikki that if she seriously wants to pursue acting or other opportunities, her wrestling career may prove problematic.
Jonathan starts acting more douchey, berating Eva and the make-up people for not being quick enough, as they have to do a second photo shoot and then a live broadcast. Eva is embarrassed by his conduct towards the others, especially when one of the make-up artists starts to cry.
Paige and Bradley head out to meet Bradley’s mom. He wants Paige to act more subdued than normal and let him break the news to mommy. She acts foolish from the get-go, jumping into the arms of his mom and sister, and generally being way to exuberant for a first meeting.
Nikki and John Cena go for dinner, and she tells him that she doesn’t know if she is going to re-sign for three years. He says that he believes she is destined to do great things beyond WWE, which I translate to mean that he is sick and tired of being on the road with her and wants to get some strange in every city, but maybe I’m just being cynical.
Eva has another photo shoot for her hair extension line, when she gets a call from Carrano. His stooges have found out about her extra-curricular photoshoot activity, and she tells him that it was for her website. He lays down the law and says that any other ventures must first be run through WWE, and that if Jonathan is managing her through other business, she’s going to have a problem. And that footage seems like it should be labelled Exhibit A in Raven’s agent-vs-employee lawsuit, no?
Bradley’s mom and sister takes Paige out to the barn to show her some horses. As they’re talking, Paige keeps dropping hints to open the door for Bradley to let her mom know about their plans to live together. He says he will tell them in due course, and she’s losing patience.
Eva Marie tells Jonathan that they have to cancel the photoshoot, but Jonathan refuses to do it. He says that her WWE salary is peanuts compared to what this hair extension company money can bring in. She doesn’t want to offend WWE, but doesn’t want to cross her husband who won’t let her derail his gravy train.
On the way to dinner, Paige finds out from his mom and sister about his previous failed marriage. Awkward. Paige is upset at this revelation, but is even more upset that he still hasn’t told his mom about their plan to live together. She questions him, and he says that he’s not sure if he’s ready to move in with her so soon. She says he should have told her that from the beginning, and he storms off, tearing off his microphone. Which leads to a neat on-camera discussion by the producers and Paige as to whether they should stay or leave – it’s like Vince Russo booked this show. She chases after him, and they talk briefly, but there’s too much drama and she ends up driving away from his mom’s property alone.
It’s Survivor Series, and Nikki Bella beats AJ Lee for the Divas title. She’s proud of her accomplishments with the company, and is glad the company has the faith in her to put the title on her. Which makes her second-guess her thoughts about leaving. But Brie doesn’t have that kind of uncertainty, saying that she still is interested in being a mother.
At home, Eva Marie tells Jonathan she wants to separate his role as husband from his role as manager. He gets all angry and starts talking down to her, basically saying that his work has helped her make more money than she could just doing what WWE tells her to do. She gets angry, telling him that she wouldn’t put up with his nonsense from a manager that she wasn’t married to. He tells her to focus on the results. She basically fires him as a manager, saying that she can’t flick a switch and easily separate their personal from professional relationship. He then unloads all the turmoil she’s caused recently, from wanting kids to changing her mind, from not wanting to get surgery on her leaky implant, and basically taking him for granted. Eva says that she can’t do it anymore, that it’s no longer fun, and he takes that as his cue to walk out.
Backstage, the Bellas go to have a heart-to-heart-to-heart with Carrano. Brie tells him that she’s been thinking of having kids. Nikki is more pointed, saying that she’s exploring other opportunities. He asks them to tell them right there and then that they are willing to stop being WWE Divas… and they say “Yes”. Bittersweet for me, as I can’t stand either of them, but without them, I will have to make significant re-writes to the drinking game. Carrano tells them that WWE will need to move forward, and presumably the post-Bella era will begin on July 7, that is, when the show returns for its fourth season.
Bob Kapur appreciates all of the comments he’s received about these recaps this past season, and hopes you all join him this summer for the next round. E-mail him at email@example.com.