It’s Friday Night and you know what that means? No, CM Punk is not making an entrance tonight (no matter how hard Dax Harwood wants to make that happen). It’s AEW Rampage, and not only is FTR in the building to comment on their status, but there is also a main event with “Jungle Boy” as he tries to get closer to being in the World Heavyweight championship, but first he faces a returning Shawn Spears.

We come to you from the UW-Milwaukee Panther Arena in Milwaukee, WI. Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Jim Ross have the call.  But before we jump into our First Match of the night for the…

Courtesy of AEW

IWGP Tag Team Titles: Aussie Open (Kyle Fletcher and Mark Davis) vs.The Best Friends (Beretta and Chuck Taylor)

The Best Fried starts strong early into the match, but then the Aussies come back and slam Taylor and Beretta on the apron edge, and then they pick them up and run around the outside of the ring for a supercollider.  Beretta is a Best Friend in Peril as Davis sends him up with a vertical suplex set up, and then switches with Fletcher in a nice display of strength, before driving Beretta down on the mat to cover for a two count.

This continues during Picture in Picture, and Beretta fights back and almost gets Fletcher in a superplex, but he blocks the high-risk move.  Taylor assists by bringing his partner into a powerbomb setup and then a three-quarters Tower of Doom sequence takes place, followed by The Best Friends nailing a double slam to Davis and they know You Got to Give the People What They Want©. 

Now Beretta and Taylor deliver the Doomsday knee strike but only get a two count.  Despite their best efforts, the Aussies take out Taylor with a jumping tombstone, and then Fletcher yanks up Berreta and nails him with a piledriver, followed by the Aussies delivering the Coriolis that finishes them up in three.

Your Winners via Pinfall, and Still IWGP Tag Team Champions:  Aussie Open

Sanjay Dutt talks to Briscoe about the team-up, but he has some reservations.  Regardless of what Dutt, Jeff Jarrett, and Jay Lethal have to say, including a badly created T-Shirt, it doesn’t seal the deal.  No matter what promises they offer, Briscoe knows that dog won’t hunt.

Tony Schiavone is in the ring with Cash Wheeler and Dax Harwood; FTR. The AEW tag team champions. Wheeler announced that they had signed a four-year contract with AEW. They said that after this contract, they would retire from pro wrestling. Until then, they’ll give everything until the wheels fall off. Harwood says the fans aren’t supposed to like us, but they pulled themselves up and fought for this. The only difference is the fans, and they want to repay the fans for one last ride. Top Guys, out.

Lexy Nair with Hook, Kassidy, and The Hardys. Jeff says it took a while to get healthy, but he crawled back and it feels good. Matt says they’re looking forward to fighting The Firm and being free from their contract at The Hardy Compound and they will soon be made obsolete.

Your next match-up is a ten-man tag match with…

Jay Lethal, Jeff Jarrett, Mark Briscoe, and Satnam Singh vs. Manscout Jake Manning and The Spanish Announce Project (Dr. Luther, Angelico, and Serpentico)

Faster than you can say, “AEW DARK”, here is my Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

Briscoe hates this team

And all they stand for.  Singh slams,

Froggy ‘bow ends it!

Your Winners via Pinfall: Jay Lethal, Jeff Jarrett, Satnam Singh, and Mark Briscoe

And next up is…

Courtesy of AEW

Taya Valkyrie vs. Emi Sakura

Any other time and place, This match would be an awesome match.  But, its position on the card makes my Squash-y Sense tingle (which sounds wrong as I typed that up, but…you get the idea).  Sadly, this is the second Haiku In Review™ of the night:

*ahem*

La Wera Loca says

Sayonara, Emi.

Road to Valhalla.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Taya Valkyrie

During the match, Jade Cargill and Leila Grey came out for a staredown. Post-match, Grey entered the ring but Valkyrie laid her out with the Road to Valhalla, and then the TBS Champion took off her high heels and she and Valkyrie were about to find which one was the “baddest b*tch” of AEW until Grey came back and attacked from behind with a forearm. Cargill then laid out Valkyrie a pump kick followed by her Jaded finisher for a pin, in a clear message that this is her company and that is her finisher.

That could’ve been done without the match, but that’s armchair booking at its lowest from me.

Jose the Assistant talks up La Faccion Ingobernable’s Dralistico taking the AAA MegaCampeon belt from Hijo del Vikingo, and that match will happen next week on AEW Dynamite.

Jake Hagar, “Cool Hand” Angelo Parker, and “Daddy Magic” Menard deliver a “rap” and on a scale of one to Too Cool, somewhere #rd Bass is calling this the whitest thing they’ve ever seen.  

Well, this brings out The Acclaimed come out and they just wanna battle. At one point Bowens and Caster got Menard, and they truly want to find out how hard his nipples are, as Daddy Ass brandishes a pair of scissors to cut them off.

(Yeah, I just wrote that.  Chalk that up as another case of, “Things I’d never thought I’d print.”)

Bowens then challenges the J.A.S. members to a match on Dynamite next week in Pittsburgh.

Mark Henry is backstage with Perry and Spears.  Perry talks about how he is one step closer to the championship and he isn’t letting MJF’s running buddy deter him tonight.  Spears pumps the brakes and says he doesn’t have a problem with Perry and he and MJF don’t talk at all these days.  But no matter what, Spears says, he is going to show Perry who’s the better man in the squared circle, and he promises the “Jungle Boy” it’s not him.

 

Enough talk, because it’s time for the Main Event, but before we do that, I need to issue an…

(Author’s Apology:  I try to be good to give a full picture of the action that goes on in All Elite, other times I get super snarky and can crack out Haikus like no one’s business.  But a culmination of factors hampered my best efforts; from a head cold that’s making me foggy [or it’s COVID I caught from my dad, as he came back from a vacation cruise, which brings up the question:  Why are they still a thing?!] to the hot toddy that is working it’s magic not very well [or too well; I’m not sure which], to the NBA Playoffs upending the schedule on TNT to make my recording of Rampage cut out in parts, to the DISH Network not able to capture the matches.

In short, I blame everything but myself.)

So, with the help of social media, I’m going to lash together these scrambled notes, and I leave it to you to figure out the ramblings Main Event between…

Courtesy of AEW

“Jungle Boy” Jack Perry vs. Shawn Spears

Spears is still a “10” with the fans, as both men start with a handshake, and then they tie up.  There is a nice chain sequence between the combatants, and even has Perry getting cocky and giving Spears a “Perfect 10.”  It isn’t long before Spears kicks it up a notch as the match devolves to outside chicanery as Spears sends Perry out the hard way on the outside and over the barricade.

Once they get back in the ring, Spears and Perry go back and forth, with Spears gaining the upper hand with a pump kick.  But then “Jungle Boy” shakes off the cobwebs as Spears hits the ropes but gets a face full of a superkick not once but twice.  Spears returns fire with a forearm shiver and shoots him to the ropes, but Perry comes roaring back with a nice clothesline to lay him out.

Perry goes on the outside for a slingshot maneuver, but Spears catches him and has his feet hang on the top ropes and then drives him down with a DDT, and he covers Perry for a two count.  He stalks him and gets Perry in a fireman’s carry for his patented C4/Death Valley Driver, but he escapes Spears clutches and shimmies down for a rollup for a two count.  Perry keeps going for pin attempts that just can’t put away The Perfect 10.  Spears then attempts the La Magistral, but Perry stops him midway in the move and shifts the momentum on his shoulders, and Spears is pinned to the mat for the one, two, and three.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  “Jungle Boy” Jack Perry

After the match, Spears and Perry share a hug, as he raises the Jungle Boy’s hand in victory to the delight of the crowd as the show goes to black.

AEW Rampage - 04/14/2023
3.5

Final Thoughts:

All technical issues aside, Spears and Perry delivered an amazing main event tonight.  Here’s hoping that push gets sustained as he heads to the ultimate showdown with The Devil himself, MJF.

Until then, see ya in seven!