This week, in Episode 3 of Nikki Bella Says I Do, our alleged love birds, Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev, arrive in Paris. Just in time to fight and then hop on another plane. Well, Artem gets on a plane, anyway, with Matteo (his best man); they have to fly to Turkey. This episode is coming in hot with no brakes.

Their fight was about Nicole not going to Turkey with them. But that was her choice so she could work on manifesting a perfect shotgun Paris wedding. No idea why she’s even worried because Brie is in Paris with her. We all know Brie’s manifesting powers are unstoppable. But she just can’t seem to manifest Nicole to not constantly depend on her.

This is actually great news. Not their fighting but the fact that Artem gets to see his family. His parents finally get to meet their darling grandson Matteo. That will be the best part of this series I’m sure. But that joy will be completely overshadowed by the Bridezilla lurking in Paris awaiting their return.

Now it’s awkward goodbye time as Nicole sees them off to the airport. As they tell us about their fight in separate interview scenes of course not actually talking about it with each other. This couple is allergic to good communication. Thank goodness Nicole allowed them to still go to Turkey with the supervision of a nanny of course. Seriously though I was a little worried her anxiety might take over and Nicole smash the idea. So at least she did one good thing. Well would have been better if she went too. But we have to keep our expectations low.

Nicole and Brie meet up and Nicole fills her in on the fighting. Turns out planning a wedding in four weeks is super stressful and puts everyone on edge. Nicole is also jealous that Brie got three lapdances from guys at the bachelorette party. We didn’t see that footage last week, E Network is holding out on us. Nicole didn’t get a lapdance from Artem who she reminds us is a professional dancer. So I guess that is expected of him “Dance monkey. Dance!” Well Nicole, you’re getting married to him you can demand lapdances for life. Brie tells Nicole she’s kind of worried about them and that’s the end of that deep conversation for now.

Now we go to Turkey to see Artem and Matteo meet the fam. It’s very sweet there are lots of happy tears. I’m actually kind of sad Nicole isn’t there too. But hopefully she’ll watch her own show to see it. Of course she will — narcissists love to watch themselves.

Meanwhile in Paris, it’s crunch time to find a venue but first … fashion. Nicole and Brie meet up and discuss their outfits and how important it is in to be fashionable in Paris. The twins tell us it’s disrespectful to Paris to be unfashionable when you are there. Nicole tells us that she brought 12 suitcases, all of full of respect.

Nicole and Brie walk around Paris talking about how cute everything is there. They sit down at some café and take selfies. So glad they came to Paris early to get to all this important stuff out of the way. They facetime with Artem and his family. They are all happy and acting like there isn’t this super stressful event that they have zero solid plans for looming on the horizon.

The screen flashes six days till the wedding. They have nothing done, my anxiety hates this show and the rest of me isn’t very thrilled with it either. The girls are shopping for a tux for Artem. What? He isn’t even allowed to pick out his own clothes for this?! Even worse he’s not there to try things on. Bridezilla Nicole is in full control, total annihilation in six days.

Brie brings up if Artem is okay with her and Nicole making all the decisions. Well, I sure hope so because that seems like it’s going to be his life now. Nicole says she thinks he’s okay with it since he doesn’t really initiate anything. And he better not or he’ll face her wrath.

Nicole goes into a store and Brie waits outside since she has to make a phone call. Her phone call is to Artem to check in on him and ask him about the fight. This had to be a producer’s idea to try and spice up the episode. Totally not necessary to rehash this fight since there will be plenty more fights to come. Brie even says they have communication issues.

Nicole and Brie are cake tasting. The food, I didn’t even think about the food! They don’t have enough time for all this foolishness. They are talking about hiring musicians now. She is so picky for having less than a week for her special mess of a day. At least they are looking at parks as possible venues. But they sit on a bench at one and realize there are animals in parks. Little mice are running around their feet so the park is a no.

We go back to Turkey to see Artem having a fun time with his family. They are all so happy to be with him and Matteo. This is the part of the show I would have liked to see more of but there’s no drama with that. His family gives him the advice that patience and understanding are the keys to a happy marriage. Let’s hope for his sake there are some other keys to that.

Back in Paris, Brie confesses to Miss No Patience Nicole that she called Artem to check on him. Brie tells Nicole they need to talk when he gets to Paris but that Artem is afraid to talk to her since their fights go 0 to 100 quick. Brie doesn’t need to tell her that, I’m sure Nicole can smell fear before she goes in for the kill. Nicole says they just need to get their Paris magic back when he gets there. No Nicole, don’t bring magic into this now, your control issues aren’t a supernatural force. Reality shows always hype up fights for drama but in this case I just want to get back to the so-called wedding planning. We just don’t have the time for fighting now can’t they see that?

Brie and Nicole are touring the building next to their hotel which just so happens to be for events. What a happy coincidence. The only magic in this show is that E! Network magic. The super stressful wedding is already planned out we’re just going to slowly see it revealed. And wouldn’t you know it the beautiful room that Nicole wants is available the day she wants. What luck (or E! Network magic)! It’s not nice for them to play with our emotions like this. But now I can breathe easy knowing E! Network is really the one in control. Wait, they were the ones responsible for The Anna Nicole Show.

Yeah this wedding is going to be a mess no matter what, a magic mess.