Where will you find a weed whacker, a chainsaw and a shovel besides the shed or workshop in your garage or backyard or any Friday The 13th movie?
The answer is XPW’s We Are Not Your Kind pay-per-view.
The lords and ladies of hardcore were at it again this time emanating from the The Heart Ballroom in Newark, New Jersey. As you would expect the blood flowed very freely, many a light tube was smashed into a zillion razor-sharp pieces and…two hypodermic needles and a fishing hook pierced human flesh?!?!? As like every XPW show you have to see it to believe it is really happening.
The highlight of the night though was an immediate hardcore classic between Big F’N Joe and Drake Younger. I have seen some of the greatest hardcore matches in my time. Most of the truly cruel, barbaric and ruthless ones coming from the Land of the Rising Sun like King of the Deathmatch bout between Terry Funk and Cactus Jack. You know a hardcore match has crossed that line into infamy when even a veteran wrestling fan and horror movie fanatic like me who not only has seen it all but was also a news editor who had to sift through uncensored news wire photos of crime scenes, war zones and disaster scenes from around the world is close to tapping out.
Big F’N Joe and Drake Younger’s match nearly reached that point. Near the end of the match they were literally wrestling over, through and on just a mound of broken glass covering the mat. You know the needle pit scene in Saw 2? It was kind of like that. I mean, you can only see two men slicing themselves up, slamming themselves on bits of sharp, jagged broken glass for so long. In the end, Joe’s elbow looked like a package of ground beef and Younger’s back had so many cuts in it that it looked like he slept on a bed of nails. What a mess but hats off to the two crazy masochists who will probably still be picking broken glass out of their bodies on Canada Day in July.
XPW’s We Are Not Your Kind Results
Soul Taker versus ‘The Sadistic” Sean Lawhorn
The Undertaker clone comes to the ring with a shovel in hand. On his tights are the words: No Souls Matter.
“You are out here to get slaughtered? I have done some research on you. You have a Chris Benoit style in the ring but unfortunately, you are going to be Nancy when I am done with you,” says the big man.
I would say I cannot believe he went there but this is XPW afterall.
“What the hell is wrong with this guy?” cry out the commentators.
“When y0u f–k with me no lives matter!” Soul Tone growls at Lawhorn.
Lawhorn chops don’t effect Soul Taker. Taker unloads on Lawhorn in a corner. A series of clotheslines don’t take Soul Taker off his feet. The fight goes to the floor where Taker misses a punch and hits the steel post. Lawhorn works over Taker’s arm wrapping it around the post. Lawhorn evades a chokeslam to put Taker in a crossface submission. Taker doesn’t quit. Lawhorn snatches a collection of light tubes under the ring. Two light tubes are broken over Taker’s head. He barely flinches. Taker chokeslams Lawhorn on the tubes. They don’t break. Taker smashes the tubes over Lawhorn and pins him with a Tombstone Piledriver.
Winner: The Soul Taker
Juventud Guerrera versus Real1
Guerrera mocks Real1 on the microphone calling him “saft”.
“Finally, The Juice has come back to New Jersey, motherf——s!” shouts Guerrera.
Real1 comes out to “That’s Amore”. Juvie demands the music be shut off…but not in a polite way. Real1 announces himself as Enzo Amore and uses his WWE catchphrases. He dares the WWE to sue him. Juvie calls Real1 a “saft bitch”.
“I need subtitles when you talk,” replies Real1.
Juvie is all over Real1 laying in some rapid fire chops and a hurricanrana off the ropes. Real1 flees to the floor. Juvie catches him with a drop kick through the ropes. Two flying crossbody blocks off the top rope stun Real1. As Juvie goes up for a third Real1 pushes the official into the ropes sending Juvie crashing down. Real1 takes Juvie to the floor where he smashes his head on a steel post, crotches him on a ringside barricade and gives him a Razor’s Edge on the barricade. Real1 hurls Juvie over the barricade and into a front row seat. Real1 dives over the barricade onto Juvie. Back in the ring, Juvie slams Real1 off the top rope. Juvie kicks out of a suplex. Juvie doesn’t go for a pin after the Juvie Driver. He splashes Real1 off the rope for the pin instead.
Winner: Juventud Guerrera
Lucky 13 vs The Body
The Body comes out with a rubber chicken and begins humping it for some unearthly reason. He humps the mat inside the ring as well. Could someone please get this kid a date? Someone? Anyone?
The Body ducks out of the ring as the bell rings. He clarifies his pronouns for the audience in attendance.
“F–k him up, Lucky! F–k him up!” answers the crowd in response.
The Body stops a lightning-quick Lucky by sinking to his knees and…biting Lucky’s crotch?!?!?! It has the effect you think it might. Lucky hobbles out of the ring and eventually grabs a steel chair. The Body leaps through the ropes and takes a chair to the face. The Body takes a hypodermic needle and sticks it into Lucky’s arm. When it is his turn Lucky puts a needle through each of The Body’s cheeks. Lucky powerbombs The Body onto some light tubes. Lucky sets up two steel chairs and puts The Body’s head through one of them. Lucky climbs to the top rope only to be stopped by ‘Mr. Fantastic’ Will Knox. The Body slips and awkwardly slams Lucky onto the steel chairs for the pin. A grinning Knox carries The Body to the back.
Winner: The Body
Sage Sin Supreme vs Chelsea Durden
There are two kitchen doors set up in two corners. Sage and Chelsea actually start the match with some wrestling taking each other down to the mat. A couple of spinning back kicks knock the snot out of Sage. Sage staples Durden’s hand with a staple gun that happens to be laying around. On the floor, Chelsea staples Sage in the back, takes a dollar from a fan and staples it to her chest. Talking about making money the hard way.
Sage does the same thing to Durden’s back. Once they return to the ring, Sage rakes Durden’s head with a broken light tube. Durden returns the favour smashing a light tube over her head. Sage dumps some tacks on the floor, goes back into the ring and takes a chair to the head.
Sage puts some light tubes over Durden’s back and smashes them with a steel chair. Sage slams Durden on the ring apron, hits her with a crossbody that slams her onto the thumbtacks. Durden sideslams Sage onto the thumbtacks minutes later. Durden puts Sage on the top rope bashes her with a light tube and slams her through one of the wooden doors. Sage kicks out. Durden places Sage on the top rope then lays some light tubes on a door that is sitting between two steel chairs. Durden and Sage battle on the top rope for control. Sage breaks a tube over Durden’s head and wins the match with a Gargoyle Suplex through the tubes and the door.
Winner: Sage Sin Supreme
Big F’N Joe versus Drake Younger
Joe looks like he is wearing underwear under his dress shirt and tie. He just looks really weird. Of course it is white so it show off all the upcoming blood very nicely. Younger takes down Joe with a headlock. Drake almost walks right into a pane of glass set up in the ring. Joe sends Drake through a pane of glass with a cannonball. Joe drags Drake through the broken glass. Drake smashes four light tubes into Joe’s head then carves his forehead with a broken one.
Drake works over Joe’s leg stabbing it with a light tube while in a figure four. Drake then takes things further with a steel chair to Joe’s leg. Joe catches Younger off the ropes slamming him through a pane of glass supported on two steel chairs. Joe grabs handfuls of glass throwing it into Younger’s face. Younger places two tubes under Joe’s shirt and executes a blockbuster off the ropes on him.
— XPW Wrestling (@Thexpwwrestling) January 22, 2023
Younger hits Joe with a DVD on a bundle of tubes. He splashes Joe from the top rope after placing tubes across his chest for a two count. Joe chokeslams Younger on a bundle of tubes for a two count.
Joe, with the official’s help, puts a pane of glass between two chairs. The two men battle on the top rope. Joe is shoved off the corner and falls through the glass. Joe Tombstones Younger through some light tubes. Younger zip-ties Joe to the top rope. Younger breaks light tube after light tube after light tube over his head. The official calls for the bell as Joe appears to be knocked out, comatose or just plain dead.
Holy Shit! Drake Younger beats Big Fn Joe pic.twitter.com/IiZrv8RReW
— XPW Wrestling (@Thexpwwrestling) January 22, 2023
Winner: Drake Younger
XPW 0wner Rob Black comes down to the ring. Black talks about not being back in New Jersey for 20 years. Black is presented with a Match of the Year award by some jabroni in a suit but MAGA Butcher, Jasmine St. Claire, Hardcore Hillbilly and Danny Ramirez attack the dude presenting the award.
Masada (c) versus Thom Latimer – XPW World Championship Match
Masada slams cancel culture and wokeness. Kat Martini, the XPW Women’s World Champion, is out next. She proceeds to rip into Masada. She is with her BFF and XPW Women’s World Champion, LuDark Shaitan.
“What are you going to do? Hit a girl?” Martini asks an angry Masada.
LuDark Shaitan gets in his face and Masada clocks her. Masada threatens Martini with a set of skewers. Thom Latimer from NWA attacks. Latimer was known as Bram in TNA and as part of The Ascension in NXT. He was married to Charlotte Flair as well. Now, he is married to Kamille. The crowd seems confused as to who Latimer is.
The two men brawl into the crowd. Masada takes a lot of time setting up some chairs on the floor. Masada ducks so Latimer chops a steel post. Martini gets in the face of Masada so that Latimer can attack from behind. As Masada is in the ropes Martini slaps him in the face. Masada takes the big man down with an arm drag and an arm bar submission. Latimer works over Masada with a running clothesline in a corner. Masada battles back with a spinning clothesline. Masada sets up a door in a corner. He charges at Latimer but misses with a cannonball and goes through the door. Latimer takes what’s left of the door smashing it over Masada’s head. Latimer swings a chair. Masada punches it into Latimer’s face. Latimer and Masada trade haymakers and forearms in the middle of the ring. Latimer flips Masada out of the ring onto some steel chairs. Martini and Latimer toss a bunch of chairs and more wooden doors into the ring.
“F–k this guy!” the crowd chants at Latimer as he sets up furniture in the ring.
Masada goes for a suplex. Both he and Latimer fall off the apron to the floor. They go for the move again as a fan chants…Take two! Latimer suplexes Masada through a door on two chairs. Masada pulls out some skewers and tries to drive them into Latimer’s head. The official gets taken out. Latimer kicks Masada in the “lower abdomen”. Latimer stabs Masada in the head with the skewers. Masada then does the same to Latimer. Masada pins Latimer with a DDT, however, Latimer had his hand on the bottom rope. The official missed that.
The crowd chants : “Get the f–k out!” as Latimer leaves. Latimer flips the crowd off.
Winner: …and still XPW World Champion…Masada.
Charlie Bonifer versus JJ Escobar versus Kurt Bale – Three-way Death Dance
Escobar comes out with a weed whacker looking to do some pruning one would think. Reminds me of Jason Vorhees in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. The crowd is behind Escobar. Bale hits Escobar from behind with a bat. Bale and Bonifer double team him stapling his tongue to the turnbuckle. Bonifer attacks like Leatherface using an actual chainsaw on Esobar’s arm. It doesn’t seem to have cut him at all though. Color me disappointed.
Bale and Bonifer turn on each other smashing light tubes here and there. Bonifer is bleeding profusely from the head as Bale slams him on a light tube with a Death Valley Driver. Escobar puts a fish hook through Bonifer’s tongue. He turns on the weed whacker and chases Bonifer around the ring. Bale leaps off a balcony onto both men. Bale puts a light tube between Escobar’s legs breaking it to smithereens with the weed whacker.
— XPW Wrestling (@Thexpwwrestling) January 22, 2023
Escobar douses Bale with barbecue fluid slamming him on the mat. Escobar does the same to Bonifer. Escobar pins Bonifer with a Death Valley Driver though a pane of glass. Fans begin throwing lighters into the ring. Nobody gets set on fire though. Oh, well. So much for that. I was looking forward to a barbecue.
Winner: JJ Escobar
Ludark Shaitan (c) versus Lindsay Snow – XPW Women’s World Championship Match
Snow is a tattoo artist so naturally she brings tattoo needles with her to the ring and her very strange pal, Mother Endless. Snow attacks Ludark before the bell even rings. She chokes her out with a belt. Snow puts Ludark’s head through a steel chair and puts those tattoo needles into her forehead. Snow put two light tubes under the back of Ludark’s shirt then breaks them with a steel chair. Ludark finally fights back throwing a steel chair in Snow’s head and stabbing her with a broken light tube in her forehead. Ludark picks up the tattoo needles using them on Snow’s head.
Snow is thrown through the ropes to the floor. The women alternate using gusset plates on each other’s heads. Snow blasts Ludark with a light tube across her arm and back. Snow gives Ludark a backdrop on a steel chair. Mother Endless trips up Ludark. They brawl on the floor. Snow attempts a dive through the ropes. Ludark hits her in the head with some light tubes. Mother Endless and Snow double team Ludark. Endless tries to pin Ludark. The official actually makes the count even though Endless isn’t officially part of the match. It is all really confusing. Ludark pins Snow with a slam on some light tubes.
Winner: …and still XPW Women’s World Champion, Ludark Shaitan.
Shlak (c) versus Maga Butcher – Exposed Boards, Barbed Wire, No Rope, Sheets of Glass, Maximum Bleeding F—–g Death Match for The XPW King of the Death Match Championship
I am not kidding. That was the name of the match.
The MAGA faction accompanies Butcher to the ring as does Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA. Butcher attacks Shlak before he can even get to the ring. They brawl into the crowd. Shlak drives Butcher’s head into a concrete wall a half dozen times. Shlak takes what looks like a small screwdriver to Butcher’s head. Jasmin St. Claire hits Shlak with a kendo stick over and over again to no effect. Butcher heaves a ringside barricade at Shlak.
Both men continue fighting through the crowd knocking down chairs and the entire floor seating. The brawl finally reaches the actual ring. Butcher targets Shlak’s knee twisting and cranking on it. Shlak pushes Butcher through the barbed wire to the floor below. Shlak throws a pane of glass at a fallen Butcher.
Shlak corners Danny Ramirez in the ring. Shlak rips his shirt and pants off. He strangles Ramirez with his pants. Shlak stomps on Butcher’s head over and over as he rolls back into the ring. Hardcore Hillbilly splashes Shlak and Butcher as they are in a figure four.
Masada enters the ring with a steel chair taking out Hardcore Hillbilly. Masada nails Butcher in the head with a steel chair. Shlak pins Butcher. Jasmin St. Claire whips Masada with a kendo stick. Shlak grabs the stick, breaks it, picks up St. Claire and throws her onto Hillbilly and Ramirez. Masada throws a steel chair at Ramirez hitting him in the head.
Butcher finally comes back to the land of the living and wonders why Masada interfered in the match. He promises Masada and Shlak he will find a partner to face them in the future.
Winner: and still XPW King of the Death Match Champion…Shlak