What’s the sense of having War Games steel cage matches without any blood? That’s like having turkey without stuffing. I have no clue what Triple H or the WWE are thinking but as Survivor Series and Turkey Day nears for my American friends, we have Raw’s snorefest of a go-home show.
Kevin Owens strolls to the ring. He doesn’t look like he is dressed for a fight or a match but does Owens ever need an excuse to punch someone’s lights out? Naw.
Owens says he joined the War Games team because he wants to take Roman Reigns to the limit again.
“I am coming to remind you of who the hell I am!” the Prizefighter bellows.
Tonight, Owens didn’t come alone though. The Brawling Brutes and Drew McIntyre make their way through the crowd to join KO in the ring.
All five men hype what a crazed car wreck their War Games match will be.
“Everybody are you ready for a war?” shouts McIntyre.
Although nobody requested their presence The Judgment Day pop out of the backstage area. The Evil Emos demand the Smackdown refugees go back to Friday nights.
“The next time you show your ugly mugs on Raw, the Judgment Day won’t be so nice!” warns Balor.
Sheamus calls Balor a “plastic paddy” and challenges J-Day to a match. They accept. There’s no bell but everyone starts beating the snot out of each other.
The Judgment Day versus The Brawling Brutes
Kevin Owens takes his place on commentary as his brothers in blood go to war against J-Day. Priest tries to slam Sheamus off the top rope but Sheamus leaps down and socks Priest in the face. Owens says that Sami Zayn is his friend but he is standing between him and Reigns.
Mysterio is roundly booed when he enters the ring. Owens calls Mysterio a “scumbag” for turning on his dad.
Holland uses his strength to reverse Mysterio’s suplex driving him to the mat. Owens says that Butch wears a knee pad but it doesn’t cover his knee. It serves no purpose.
Priest chokeslams Butch on the ring apron. J-Day cut Butch off from his pub pals dishing out all sorts of punishment to him. Mysterio pulls Sheamus off the apron so he cannot tag Butch. Holland goes after Mysterio but Ripley stands in his way. Mysterio ends up in the ring with Sheamus. Mysterio runs up the entrance way. He is cut off by The OC who come out in force.
Mysterio attempts to put Sheamus away with a sneaky roll-up. Sheamus knees him in the face. I am surprised his nose isn’t in the back of of his head afterwards. Dom receives 150 Beats and a Brogue Kick. He is pinned by Sheamus.
J-Day sneak attacks The Brutes after the bell but they are beaten back decisively. Sheamus chases Priest up the entrance way. Priest runs into Gallows who clocks him. Owens gives Balor a Stunner.
Winners: The Brawling Brutes
Johnny Gargano, the dude with no personality and the least intimidating theme song in the WWE today, is interviewed backstage. He wants The Miz with no interference from Dexter Lumis tonight.
Johnny Gargano versus Omos
Thankfully, The Miz isn’t wearing his Mister Rogers sweater this week. Actually, he is wearing a suit and his hand is all bandaged up. Miz says he injured himself and goes on to blither and blather some goofball story about karate chopping a cactus or something. It is just an excuse so cannot wrestle Gargano tonight. The Miz has been kind enough to find Gargano a “worthy opponent”. Cue Omos’ music.
Omos runs over Gargano like a Mac truck including catching him in mid-air and slamming him on the ring apron. The Miz interferes. Gargano takes Omos off his feet. Super kick after super kick puts Omos on his back. Gargano basically falls off the top rope in an awkward stumble. Omos catches him by the throat and chokeslams him for the win. What in the actual heck was that nonsense?
Seth Rollins is being miked up for an interview. The WWE announces that there will be a triple threat match for the U.S. Championship between Austin Theory, Bobby Lashley and Seth Rollins at Survivor Series. In his interview Rollins says he asked for the match because has a “bone to pick” with both men.
“I am like a Goonie. I never say die,” Rollins insists.
He calls Theory the “stupidest person on the face of planet Earth” for jumping him from behind last week.
Theory is shown backstage scowling at Rollins’ interview. Theory calls himself a “new man” and he will be taken seriously from now on.
“The disrespect ends now!” growls Theory.
I cannot help but to laugh. The more Theory tries to act like a badass the more I chuckle. It just isn’t working WWE. The new Theory grimaces and scowls a lot like he is holding diarrhea in.
Austin Theory versus Mustafa Ali
This match really overstays its welcome. Mustafa’s ribs are taped up. He isn’t 100 percent. Theory is all over Ali who cannot seem to mount any offence. Ali’s float-over DDT keeps him in the game as does a reverse suplex. He is slow to execute the cover. Theory catches Ali’s dive. He slams him into the ring and the barricades. A super kick almost wins Ali the match. Theory hangs Ali in the Tree of Woe for some kicks and a running knee smash. The fans chant: “Theory sucks!”. Ali powerbombs Theory off the top rope. He lands the 450 Splash but hurts himself even more in the process. A-Town Down and Theory gets the three count.
Winner: Austin Theory
We don’t need this segment. We really, really don’t need it. A total time-waster and a droner. Bobby Lashley appears on the Titantron. He tells Theory to stay in the ring so they can give the fans a preview of Survivor Series. Lashley comes out and runs down Theory some more in an awkward promo. Lashley mocks Theory for not pinning Rollins when he left him the “scraps”. Theory rips into Lashley for not being able to get the job done lately. The two trade blows in the middle of the ring. Lashley heaves Theory across the ring, into the ringside barricade and into the time keepers’ area. Theory takes a chair to Lashley. That just pisses him off.
Theory runs for the hills with Lashley in pursuit. In the backstage area, Theory shoves Mustafa Ali into Lashley. A miffed Ali takes a swing at Lashley. Lashley punishes Ali by whipping him into the LED board on the entrance way and putting him in the Hurt Lock.
The Alpha Academy versus Elias and Matt Riddle
Another match that goes on far, far too long. An Elias backdrop sends Gable into the lights. Gable is cut off from Otis taking a ton of damage. Riddle fights out of an arm lock only to be slammed down for a two count. Otis hoists Riddle into the air on his shoulders. Gable hits a leaping bulldog from the top rope. Riddle kicks out at two. Elias runs riot on Gable including a vicious sidewalk slam and a neckbreaker. Riddle takes out Alpha on the floor. Elias hit his neckbreaker, Riddle lands the Floating Bro on Gable for the 1,2,3. Gable calls the win a “fluke”.
Winners: Elias and Matt Riddle
JBL and Corbin are playing card backstage. McIntyre barges in. JBL ribs McIntyre about Scotland not making the World Cup. McIntyre challenges Corbin to a match, for “old time’s sake”. McIntyre to Corbin: “I respect my elders but not you!”. He punches Corbin in the face. JBL: “What the hell was that!”.
I’ll tell you what it was…Laaaazy booking.
Baron Corbin versus Drew McIntyre
Corbin ducks out right away to consult with JBL. Corbin batters Drew around the ring. “What about your boy now?” laughs JBL. Drew fires back with a clothesline that knocks him over the top rope to the floor. Drew throws Corbin into the time keeper’s area and drops him on the announce desk. JBL distracts Drew so that Corbin back sock him in the face and knock him off the ring apron. Corbin stops the Future Shock DDT but not a Michinoku Driver from the Scottish Warrior. A Glasgow Kiss from Drew and a shot from Corbin puts both men down.
Corbin’s Superplex from the second rope only scores him a two count. Drew kicks out of a chokeslam. Drew flips out of an End of Days, gets a really awkward Future Shock DDT. Drew misses his Claymore kick. Corbin hammers Drew on the announce table and slams him face-first into a steel post. “You can’t wrestle!” yells the crowd. Drew slams Corbin into the barricade. JBL climbs up on the stairs as Drew is about to deliver a Claymore. Drew kicks out of a Deep Six. “Count to three!” Corbin yells at the official. Akira Tozawa arrives at ringside with blonde hair and new attire. He steals JBL’s hat. Drew pins Corbin with a Claymore.
Another droner that went on and on and on and on and a match-up that nobody wanted to see, ever.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
AJ Styles chats backstage about his match with Balor at Survivor Series. I am not sure how AJ was “close to Balor” when they were never in Bullet Club together. AJ says he is going to give Balor a “phenomenal” beating at Survivor Series. A brawl erupts between the OC and J-Day. The fight heads outside as they battle around a rental car. What a messy mess of nothing. Whatever.
Asuka versus Rhea Ripley – War Games Advantage Match
Bianca Belair and Alexa Bliss accompany Asuka to the ring for her match. It isn’t Asuka’s music playing which is odd that. Belair, Asuka and Bliss yap on and on about War Games to chew up TV time. Bliss promo sounds as if she had a few shots before she headed to the ring. She looks distracted, out of place and perhaps on another planet entirely. Belair promises she is going to announce the last member of their War Games team…on Smackdown.
The crowd boos.
Damage Control and Nikki Cross come out with Rhea Ripley. Bayley accuses Belair of stalling and lying about having another member. Like anyone would team with her group of losers. Asuka demands that Rhea Ripley get in the ring and fight.
Ripley still looks odd in wrestling trunks. Asuka tries to throw Ripley by the hair. Rhea fights her off hurling her around the ring. We see that the other women are watching the match backstage. A drop kick to the head almost knocks Asuka’s block off. A missile drop kicks sends Rhea to the floor. Asuka drapes Rhea over the ring apron and hits a hip attack. Rhea rolls out to the floor. Ripley chews up even more TV time just strolling around the ring.
“What are you going to do about it? Absolutely nothing!” says Ripley to the crowd.
Rhea punches Asuka in the back of the head and slaps her around for good measure. Rhea bounces Asuka off the ropes slugging her in the kidneys. Ripley drop kicks Asuka off the top rope to the floor.
As Damage Control watches backstage Nikki Cross in sitting in a cupboard talking to herself.
Rhea has Asuka in her butterfly submission. Asuka cartwheels her way out. Ripley is pulled off the top rope falling to the mat awkwardly. Rhea lifts up Asuka for a Riptide and they both fall to the mat botching the spot.
All the other women show up at ringside. Rhea pins Asuka with Riptide.
It all breaks down into the brawl just as you thought it would. Yup. Another big, out of control mess. Asuka splashes everyone on the floor as Mia Yim joins the fight.
Winner: Rhea Ripley
On and on it goes. Where it stops…who the hell knows? Most of the bouts were way too long and featured match-ups I just didn’t care about. WWE’s weak roster continues to be exposed week after week. You know the WWE’s reliance on these massive brawls have reached their limit when the time keeper and their area are getting so much TV time. They might have to rename Raw to Brawl for it All. And what’s with all the botches tonight? Rhea and Asuka’s match was especially dreadful. There is nothing here that has me wanting to tune in next week and I probably won’t. I could have more fun cleaning the lint trap in my drier, alphabetizing my junk mail before I throw it out and waiting for my phone to recharge.