After months of expectation, it’s a baby infestation!
Babies are kind of like the new Star Wars movies. You’re excited when you first hear they’re coming, and you have all these dreams and expectations of how great they’ll be. And then opening day comes, and you’re there for hours, and it’s long and painful and you immediately regret it*. But unlike the Star Wars movies, you can’t go online and complain about them, because if you say negative things about babies, you’re somehow branded as a bad person.
Which brings us to this week’s episode and the debut of the new Bella babies, Matteo and Buddy.
The episode picks up immediately where last week’s ended, with Nikki having just broke her water. The OB-GYN sends Nikki home to get her stuff and then get to the hospital because Baby Matteo is ready for the run-in.
Brie is happy for Nikki, but is also a bit jealous because she wants to have a vaginal birth, and if she doesn’t break her water in the next two days, she’ll have to have a C-section. Her plan is to have sex with Bryan in order to jostle the baby out of her. And I think I’ve found my new weekend gig.
Nikki and Artem head to the hospital, and they’re both excited and anxious about parenthood.
Flash-forward to Nikki’s eighth hour in labour, and she’s bored and in pain. She should try watching this show, or any of her matches. Ever useless, Artem sits beside her and recites children’s poems.
Meanwhile, Bryan and Brie are at home, worried about the lack of news, hoping that Nikki doesn’t have to go through a C-section.
Cut to the hospital, and Nikki has been pushing away for hours. Apparently, the thought of entering the world where Nikki and Artem are his parents is stressing him out so much that Matteo wants no part of it. To the point where his heart rate is accelerating so much that the doctor is concerned, and plans to force him out, C-sectionally.
It’s now 21 hours into labour, and Nikki is adamant to squeeze this kid out of there the old-fashioned way. And, finally, she does it, and Matteo makes his TV debut.
They call Brie and Bryan and let them know. Birdie seems wholly unimpressed by the kid, and doesn’t seem too keen on the fact that Brie’s going to have one too. Seriously, Birdie’s an awesome heel character.
Brie and Artem call Kathy and Johnny Ace and then Artem’s folks in Russia. Artem’s parents are thrilled because they assumed Artem was never going to have a kid, presumably because they assumed he didn’t even like girls. Then they call the Bella Gramma, because I guess having a baby is a celebratory thing.
Kathy and Brie speculate whether Brie can have hers on the same day so that the cousins can be like twins. But they don’t think about how it means they’ll both get screwed over when the family only gets one cake for both of their birthdays, and they’ll end up resenting each other as a result, because who wants to share a cake?
Well, they won’t have to worry, because Brie doesn’t have the kid. So she and Bryan head to the hospital for the C-section. Brie is nervous, but more excited to find out what she’s going to have – a boy or a girl. Bryan is hoping for a boy, so he can name him after Bryan’s late father, Buddy.
After some time, Brie heads into the operating room and the doctors C-section away. The baby arrives, and it’s a boy after all, to Bryan’s delight. They do the FaceTime rounds with Nikki and Kathy, and everyone’s happy.
Of course, every episode of this show has to crowbar in some talk about bodily orifices, so they have a debate about mucous plugs and vagina size and shape. First rule of TV, ladies: show, don’t tell.
Nikki and Artem bring Matteo home, and reality hits them that they now have to take care of this kid.
Birdie is staying with them because Brie’s still in recovery at the hospital. Birdie says she likes Matteo, but give it time and the dark truth will eventually reveal itself.
Brie and Bryan get it, and when they bring Buddy home, they make sure she’ll be okay with him, knowing that it will be a hard adjustment to not be the centre of attention anymore.
A few days later, and the family is all together, just hanging out and enjoying the babies. The babies, it should be noted, seem completely unimpressed, sleeping the day away as the episode comes to an end.
*Except Rogue One, which was awesome. If you’re going to have a baby, consider naming them Jyn. Or Bodhi.