History repeated itself in more ways than one at the ECW Massacre On 34th Street pay-per-view live from the Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, New York. Steve “King Of Old School” Corino once again fended off not one but two challengers to the ECW World Heavyweight Championship and The Sandman repeated his behaviour during Raven’s reign as champ years ago by pilfering the title.
Credit the talent. Credit the bookers. Even without a home for their weekly television show, ECW continues to top the other federations when it comes to pure wrestling. Their storylines may not be as intricate but ECW is still best at where it counts in my book: presenting fantastic matches. For example, it is a shame that the three-way elimination match for the World Title had to follow a wicked Match Of The Year candidate in Mikey Whipwreck and Tajiri versus Super Crazy and Kid Kash. If you didn’t know better you’d think Corino, Credible and Lynn were all moving in slow motion or totally dogging their bout. That’s because the four technicians before them put on such a rapid-fire clinic in tag team wrestling that anything else the show had to offer couldn’t possibly beat what was just witnessed. Thems the breaks, kids.
Lynn, Corino and Credible intrepidly soldiered on all the while cognizant of the fact that the show’s climax already occurred. Not surprisingly Lynn, rumoured to be heading to the WWF soon, was the first to be ousted. Francine interfered and tried to kick Lynn in the groin. He leap-frogged the kick which ended up striking Credible. Credible launched a punch at Lynn. He dodged that too so that Credible punched Francine in the chops. Credible was able to put a disoriented Lynn in the That’s Incredible piledriver giving The New F’N Show the heave-ho. At seeing Lynn get trounced, Cyrus abandoned the commentator’s booth to hunt him down.
A replay of last month’s November To Remember show had Corino and Credible squaring off for ECW’s most prized possession. Credible remarkably bled before Corino did as his head struck some mesh fencing on other side of the entranceway. While Credible licked his wounds, Corino brought out a ladder from the back. He leveraged it against the security railing in hopes of banking Credible off it. Credible reversed the Irish whip sending Corino tumbling into it.
Inside the ring, Credible suplexed Corino on the ladder as the brawl made its way through the crowd, up the stairs to one of the Hammerstein Ballroom’s balconies. In front of startled fans and a herd of ECW security, Credible caned Corino over and over again. Credible pushed Corino over the railing. Corino held on for dear life as Credible caned him in the skull. Inevitably, Corino let go and dropped about 10 or 15 feet to the area floor. Corino came up bleeding from the forehead. Corino blading time equals twenty minutes and three seconds for those counting that sort of thing.
When they returned to the ring Corino kicked out of That’s Incredible then twisted and turned Credible into The Old School Expulsion to retain the title. Even before Corino had a chance to mug for the cameras, The Sandman tore into the ring caning both Jack Victory and Corino. Sandman scooped up the ECW Heavyweight Title screaming at Corino…”You may be the ECW World Heavyweight Champion but this belt is mine!” Sandman fled into the crowd to do what he does best…guzzle brews.
Jerry Lynn is shown walking out of the arena with his bags. Cyrus catches up to him. Cyrus believes that Lynn was screwed again. Lynn agrees to be managed by Cyrus. What could it all mean?
- The next ECW pay-per-view is ECW pay-per-view is Guilty As Charged on January 7th.
ECW Massacre On 34th Street Results
- Steve Corino cuts a funny promo putting down past champions who’ve defended their titles in New York like Bruno Sammartino and Pedro Morales (He’s on welfare now!). Referring to an “Internet rumour”, Corino asks Victory if he wants the title belt. Victory replies negatively saying it is too heavy. As Victory heads off, Corino turns to the camera claiming he can kick Victory’s ass anyway and that he dyes his grey hair blonde.
Swinger, Simon Diamond versus Christian York, Joey Matthews
- Why do I feel like The Rockers theme should be playing whenever York and Matthews hit the ring? Hmmmm. Dawn Marie halts the start of the match with a special announcement. She offers her services to the team who wins. Talk about incentive. The Y2K Rockers win with a pair of dual flying body splashes though Matthews lies in the corner apparently injuring his arm. Dawn Marie jumps York scratching his eyes out. It’s a swerve! It’s a swerve! Diamond and Swinger bash York’s head in. Marie hugs and kisses Simon. Ah, true love.
- Winners: Christian York, Joey Matthews at 5 minutes and 32 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
EZ Money Vs Balls Mahoney
- In a we-really-didn’t-need-to-see-that moment, EZ Money shows off the g-string he has on under his trunks. Yikes! What would Aunt May think? Hot Commodity members punk Mahoney at their leisure. Chris Hamrick steals away Mahoney’s chair as he is about to use it. Julio Dinero lands a leg drop. EZ Money scores a pinfall in the confusion. A crazed Nova arrives to rescue Balls from a beating. Chair in hand, Balls sticks around to keep Money and Hamrick in check.
- Winner: EZ Money at 7 minutes and 50 seconds.
- Match Rating: 5 / 10.
Nova Vs Dinero
- Nova Krunches Electra. Mahoney whacks every member of Hot Commodity with his steel chair. Nova scores a flying body splash and the victory.
- Winner: Nova at 5 minutes and 50 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
- Rhino slobbers and rages at Spike Dudley. My 15-month-old son is transfixed by Rhino’s blitherings. There must be something an egghead psychologist would read into that. No matter. Next…
The F.B.I. (champions) Vs Roadkill, Danny Doring (challengers) (ECW World Tag Team Title Match)
- Another wild tag team bout. If Roadkill and Doring lose they must break-up as a team. Mamaluke takes a nasty spill as Doring kicks him in the face. Mamaluke sails out of the ring and audibly strikes his head or jaw on the security fence then hits the pavement. Ouch! Road Kill and Doring do their version of the Hart Foundation guillotine to win the tag team belts. Mamaluke has to be helped to the back.
- Winners: ….and new ECW World Tag Team Champions…Danny Doring and Road Kill at 9 minutes and 9 seconds.
- Match Rating: 7.5 / 10.
- Spike cuts a promo as Rhino mocking him. Spike tells Rhino…f–k you! Spike speaks highly of his wins over Bam Bam Bigelow, 911 and The Dudley Boys. Rhino is going down. Cut to the ring where a “ring boy” is wiping off the ropes with a towel.
C.W. Anderson Vs Tommy Dreamer
- Anderson spits in Dreamer’s face to say hello. Anderson works on Dreamer’s arm. To start it off he wraps it in a steel chair and the ring post then hits both with another steel chair. In a move I haven’t seen in years, Dreamer Atomic Drops Anderson on a chair in the ring. Anderson drags Ring Boy into the ring. He Irish Whips him into Dreamer. Anderson comes charging in. Dreamer lifts Ring Boy up so he can kick Anderson in the mouth. Ring Boy leaves the ring in a hurry. Lou E. Dangerously appears at ringside and shoves down Ring Boy. Dangerously clocks Dreamer in the head with his phone. Paul Heyman busts Dangerously with his from behind. A table comes into play. Dreamer SpineBusters Anderson on the table. Anderson Super-plexes Dreamer on it. Anderson sets-up the table upside down in the corner with its legs sticking up. Dreamer is SpineBustered through the table and the legs.
- Winner: C.W. Anderson at 16 minutes and 47 seconds.
- Match Rating: 8 / 10.
- Sinister Minister is back with Tajiri and Whipwreck in their locker room. He doesn’t look worse for wear besides a heavily bandaged hand.
Rhino Vs Spike Dudley (ECW Television Title Match)
- Spike takes the early advantage working on Rhino’s legs. Rhino chair-shots Spike twice. Spike bleeds from the forehead. Spike dives from an upper balcony onto Rhino. In the ring, Spike strives for an Acid Drop. Rhino lifts Spike into the air throwing him over the top rope and through a table. Rhino gores Spike. The fans chant “Goldberg” taunting Rhino. Spike rolls out of the ring and tapes Rhino’s leg to the bottom rope. He bashes the trapped leg with a steel chair. In a clumsy finish, Rhino mauls Spike into a chokehold in which he squeezes him into unconsciousness. Rhino chair-shots Spike three times as he lays immobile. Rhino gores a ref through a table. Someone, anyone, beat Rhino…pa-leeze.
- Winner: …and still ECW Television Champion…Rhino at 9 minutes and 51 seconds.
- Match Rating: 5 / 10.
- Credible attacks Corino and Victory backstage.
Mikey Whipwreck, Tajiri Vs Super Crazy, Kid Kash
- As already noted, a Match Of The Year candidate. High-flying moves. Precise counter-for-counter wrestling that received standing ovations. Hardcore brutality. This one has something for everyone. Whipwreck and Tajiri place Crazy and Kash’s heads between three steel chairs. The spot almost doesn’t come off until Sinister Minister comes to the aid and holds the chairs in place. Whipwreck and Tajiri double drop kick the chairs. Kid Kash uses the official to hurtle the ropes and splash Whipwreck, Tajiri and Crazy. Tajiri blows his green mist. Whipwreck and Kash both duck. Crazy, standing on the apron, gets it in the face. Mikey Whippersnappers Kash off the top rope and onto a steel chair. Kash also suffers the same only through a table outside the ring. Kid Kash Hurracanranas Whipwreck off the top rope through a table on the ringside floor. Tajiri lays three chairs and a table over Crazy. His top rope double stomp seals Crazy’s fate.
- Winners: Mikey Whipwreck and Tajiri at 18 minutes and 24 seconds.
- Match Rating: 10 / 10.
- Another pointless Blue Meanie segment. Why does this guy get air time if he isn’t going to wrestle? Meanie is cruising around New York in a car. He picks up Jasmine.
Steve Corino (champion) Vs Jerry Lynn (challenger) Vs Justin Credible (challenger) (ECW World Heavyweight Title Match)
- Winner: …and still ECW World Heavyweight Champion…Steve Corino at 22 minutes and 47 seconds .
- Match Rating: 7 / 10.
- Total Event Time: 2 hours and 45 minutes
- Overall Event Rating: 8 / 10.