At WCW’s Halloween Havoc in 1995, something really dumb happened. Something so plainly ridiculous that it inspired a guffaw heard ’round the world. Hulk Hogan and The Giant (Paul Wight) went bumper to bumper in a monster truck match high atop a building. Both men got out of their vehicles and brawled near the roof’s edge. Hogan pounded on the big man until he lost his balance and supposedly fell over into a lake below. Nevermind that the lake in question was really five or so miles away. Nevermind that we, the audience, never saw The Giant take his swandive into the murky blue depths. A slightly damp but otherwise no worse for wear Giant returned to fight Hogan in the Halloween Havoc main event. Stupefied wrestling fans couldn’t believe what they were being asked to swallow. ‘Do they really think we’re that dumb?’, they cried in unison.
What occurred at Survivor Series last night at The Ice Palace in Tampa, Florida, was as equally absurd. Subsequent to a half hour brawl with Triple H, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was Pearl Harboured by The Radicals backstage. While they kept Austin and a battalion of referees busy, Triple H got behind the wheel of a car parked outside. Chris Benoit led Austin out in the dark parking lot only to have him disappear into thin air. As Benoit looked for Austin back inside the building, Triple H opened the car door scanning the parking lot for Stone Cold. Commandeering a huge fork lift, Austin lifted Triple H’s car about forty feet in the air. Hunter Hearst Helmsley begged for mercy. Stone Cold tilted the car dropping it on its hood. Snap, crackle, pop, goes Triple H.
The careful editing or switching to stunt stand-ins looked impressive on camera. The gag went off without a hitch. Except that the entire scenario was preposterous. A stunt more akin to Nash Bridges or The X-Files than pro wrestling. Not to mention that we’ve seen Steve Austin do this type of thing before only not this extreme and every fan knows that Triple H will return to the squared circle though he technically should be paralyzed or dead. Stretching our suspension of disbelief is one thing. Chainsawing it into a thousand pieces is quite another.
The slugfest that was Triple H versus Austin didn’t even deserve to be the main event it was billed as. Slap in any past No DQ match Austin has had with The Undertaker, Mankind or The Rock into your VCR and you’d be hard pressed to set this grudge match with Triple H apart from the rest. It was nothing special and nothing different. Which is what you could also describe the Survivor Series 2000 show as being. Not particularly bad. Not particularly good. Just there playing out on your television set. For once though, a women’s wrestling match proudly stole the show. A bloodied Lita and an aggressive Ivory illustrated to what heights women’s wrestling is capable of reaching in North America if the right talent is permitted to strut their stuff in a wrestling ring and not a pit full of jello. With Molly Holly (formerly known as Miss Madness in WCW) now in the WWF, the women’s division has the opportunity to shine like never before.
The only other match that is sure to generate conversation is Kurt Angle’s WWF World Heavyweight Title defence against The Undertaker which turned out to be a excellently booked contest sporting patient mat wrestling, good ring psychology and a couple of plot twists. Edge and Christian attempted to interfere, however The Undertaker flipped over the top rope, landed on his feet and thrashed them both. ‘Taker, wearing some truly horrid snakeskin pants, had Angle beat twice. Once in an arm-bar submission move and once with a chokeslam. The official was tied up with Edge and Christian both times. He never saw Angle tap out or was in position to slap the three count. Angle, for his part, took his cue from Bret Hart’s previous matches with ‘Taker working on his knees to the point of slapping on a figure four around a ring post.
Stealing a page from the Killer Bees book, Angle pulled a switcheroo to retain the gold. Angle crawled under the ring and was replaced by a person who looked very much like him. It could’ve possibly been his brother. Thinking that he had the real Angle in his clutches, The Undertaker hit The Last Ride. Recognizing that ‘Taker wasn’t pinning Angle, the official stopped the count before three. The Undertaker argued with the ref giving the true Angle the opportunity to school-boy ‘Taker for the victory. Angle then dashed off to an awaiting car and sped off into the night.
- The next WWF pay-per-view is Armageddon on December 10th.
Survivor Series 2000 Results
T & A, Trish Stratus versus Steve Blackman, Crash Holly, Molly Holly
- Molly Holly does a sunset flip off the top rope rolling up Trish.
- Winners: Steve Blackman, Crash Holly, Molly Holly at 5 minutes even.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
- Kurt Angle chats with Christian and Edge. They offer their services. Angle declines. Lo Down and Tiger Ali are stopped at the security desk and not allowed into the backstage area. This ticks them off.
Road Dogg, K. Kwick, Billy Gunn, Chyna versus The Radicals (Survivor Series rules tag match)
- Road Dogg and K. Kwick are another wrestling – rap tag team? Please, spare me. Billy Gunn is “The One”. The One what? Methinks Gunn is in for another in a series of character re-toolings. Could we soon be seeing the resurrection of Rock-A-Billy? Chyna is gone at 2:25 when Eddie clocks her with the Intercontinental belt. Gunn neckbreakers Eddie at 5:53 kicking Latino Heat out. Benoit German suplexes a fiery K. Kwick out of his boots and the match at 7:11. Saturn does the same to Road Dogg at 8:41. It is Gunn against everyone. A Fame-asser eliminates Malenko at 10:40. Gunn tries to suplex Benoit from the apron into the ring. Saturn pulls Gunn’s legs out from under him and Benoit pins him. Gunn knows now how The Ultimate Warrior felt.
- Winners: The Radicals at 12 minutes and 33 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Chris Jericho versus Kane
- A feud started over spilt coffee? How lame. Now, I truly have seen everything. What’s next? A dispute over a parking space or locker leads to a steel cage match? Man, if someone ever interrupts a WWF superstar’s promo, look out. It could end up as a pay-per-view match-up. The WWF big men have had a problem working with Jericho’s style in the past. This is no exception. In the most obvious gaffe, Kane shifts himself over several feet so Jericho can land his Lionsault. Kane chokeslams Jericho to a 1-2-3.
- Winner: Kane at 12 minutes and 32 seconds.
- Match Rating: 3 / 10.
William Regal (champion) versus Hardcore Holly (challenger) (European Heavyweight Title Match)
- This match came about because Holly interrupted Regal’s promo. Regal cuts a promo on the crowd saying that Americans can’t even do such a simple thing like elect a president without messing it up so it is no wonder that they can’t display proper manners. It is great to see the razor-tongued technician back in action. The announcers use this match to hype the Rebellion pay-per-view headed to England on December 2nd. A commendable bout until Holly loses it and hits Regal with the European belt disqualifying himself and ruining everything. Holly beats on Regal some more.
- Winner: Via disqualification, and still WWF European Heavyweight Champion…Stephen Regal at 5 minutes and 43 seconds.
- Match Rating: 2 / 10.
- Yet again, Trish hits on Angle. Yet again, Trish’s advances fall on deaf ears.
The Rock versus Rikishi
- He is a real American. Fighting for the rights of every man. Is it just me or is The Rock quickly becoming the new Hulk Hogan of the WWF? A total throwback to an eighties Hulk Hogan type match. The superhuman Rock absorbs all manner of devastating moves but he comes back again and again. As the referee snores, Rikishi pulls a sledgehammer out from under the ring. Rock causes Rikishi to fumble it by punching him in the mouth. The Rock is the victim of a stink face. He quickly counters with a clothesline that turns Rikishi inside out. Rikishi has The People’s Elbow dropped on him and convulses like he is a fish flopping around on dry land. What a joke. The Rock pins Rikishi though he pays for it by being on the receiving end of four Bonsai butt drops.
- Winner: The Rock at 11 minutes and 19 seconds.
- Match Rating: 3 / 10.
Ivory (champion) versus Lita (challenger) (WWF Women’s World Heavyweight Title Match)
- Lita bleeds and bleeds badly from above her eye. It trickles down and covers half her face. Lita goes for a moonsault. Steven Richards pulls Ivory out of harm’s way. Lita tries it again. Ivory puts the championship belt between her and Lita. Lita lands and has the wind knocked out of her. Ivory scores the pinfall.
- Winners: …and still WWF Women’s World Heavyweight Champion…Ivory at 4 minutes and 53 seconds.
- Match Rating: 7 / 10.
Kurt Angle (champion) versus The Undertaker (champion) (WWF World Heavyweight Title Match)
- Winner: …and still WWF World Heavyweight Champion…Kurt Angle at 16 minutes and 12 seconds.
- Match Rating: 7 / 10.
- The Rock is being worked on by EMTs in his locker room. He is having trouble breathing. Jericho attacks Kane with a 2×4 backstage.
Edge, Christian, Right To Censor versus The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz (Survivor Series rules)
- Matt Hardy is kicked by the Edge-O-Matic at 4:10. Christian dumps D’Von at 5:20. Edge mistakenly spears Bull at 8:50. Buh Buh pins him. Edge is a goner at 10:01. A Goodfather Pimp Drop ends Buh Buh’s stay at 12:42. Jeff Hardy Swanton Bombs Christian to boot him at 14:52. Val Venis clotheslines The Goodfather by accident at 16:42 so Jeff Hardy can cover him and win the match. Right To Censor put the boots to Jeff. Matt and The Dudleys clean house. Matt butt drops Venis through a table. The Dudleys table Steven Richards.
- Winners: The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz at 16:42. Survivor: Jeff Hardy.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Steve Austin versus Triple H
- Winner: No contest at approximately 30 minutes.
- Match Rating: 5 / 10.
- Total Event Time: 2 hours and 50 minutes
- Overall Event Rating: 5 / 10.