By the nature of the type of entertainment it is pro-wrestling demands you suspend your disbelief to a certain level. Of course REALLY dropping someone on their neck with a piledriver will probably injure them if not paralyze them. Of course wrestlers aren’t REALLY fined for their transgressions. It is all part of the story. Of course that isn’t blinding powder thrown into someone’s eyes. It is just baby powder but it looks great on camera. Of course the talent in the ring aren’t really trying to hurt each other. They want it to appear like they are when they are really protecting and guarding each other from injury as much as they can.
The main event of All In didn’t just ask fans to suspend their disbelief. It asked them to absolutely ignore reality to the point that what was going on in that steel cage between Swerve Strickland and “Hangman” Adam Page became a gong show of epic proportions. It was a farce, some kind of parody of what wrestling is and this is from someone who loved ECW and Japanese Death Matches. Not only have we seen them do all those spots before with the staple gun and the concrete block but the match itself became absolutely ludicrous when they both were kicking out of moves that would have finished off anyone opponent even when applying outlandish wrestling logic.
Being powerslammed on a concrete block, being double stomped through a table, etc, alone would pin most people. Not only was the main event a joke but there was already a bloody grudge match and a street fight on the card. It really lessened the impact of anything we saw in the main event.
Also, can the portion of the AEW fans who chant such feeble and frail things like “Please, don’t die!” or “That is murder!” because they are triggered by what they see before them please stop. This is wrestling. You are embarrassing yourselves as fans. You really are.
All Out 2024 Results
The Acclaimed vs. The Iron Savages
Imagine having The Acclaimed and wasting them against a jobber team on a pre-show. Imagine that.
Iron Savages? Sounds like an eighties heavy metal band. A bad eighties heavy metal band from Walpack Township in New Jersey.
They remind me of this band for some reason:
Some doofus from YouTube was at ringside. Costco something or other. You know he is on his last few minutes of fame when he is appearing on the Zero Hour. I am not sure who these Iron Savages are and am too lazy to look them up but their mouthpiece is an annoying clown. Wait! Aren’t these dudes who used to be Bear Country? Good to see they are moving up in the world. The Savages almost get the pin but Bowens breaks things up. This match is far too competitive than it should be. Best part of the match is Billy Gunn punches the Iron Manager in the face. The Acclaimed win with a Mike Drop.
Winners: The Acclaimed at 7 minutes and 46 seconds
Rating: 4 Care Bears out of 10
Premiere Athletes vs. Dustin Rhodes, Sammy Guevara and Hologram
Sammy Guevara has an RoH Championship? I guess he has been exiled there after turning Jeff Hardy’s face into hamburger.
Why is dude called Hologram when he is flesh and blood? He looks like a CAW from WCW/nWo Revenge on the Nintendo 64 made flesh. I would rather watch AKI Man / THQ Mann fight The Giant than sit through this match.
Hologram is thrown out on the floor and Sterling put the boots to him. The Gym Bros kick the snot out of Hologram until he tags in Supporting Wrestler of the Year – Dustin Rhodes. The faces splash the heels on the floor. Obviously Sammy has been training Dustin. Sammy saves Dustin from being pinned by Gym Bro Number Two.
Dustin has Gym Bro Number Two pinned with Cross Rhodes. Sterling distracts the official. Sammy and Hologram pull him over the top rope. Rhodes hits him with Cross Rhodes. Rhodes pins Gym Bro One or Two…Does it really matter? – for the pin.
Sammy poses with the RoH Cruiserweight Championship or whatever it is and Hologram doesn’t disappear.
Winners: Three Guys We Don’t Know What To Do With at like 10 or 12 minutes.
Rating: 4 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches out of 10
The Dark Order vs. Bang Bang Gang
So, the Bang Bang Gang are three rejects from NJPW who thought they were going to be massive main event stars by jumping to AEW and The Dark Order is a Make-A-Wish charity tag team who have jobs for life in AEW, except that Stu Grayson guy who was fired by AEW, hired back for three months exactly and then fired again? No, I am not kidding. That actually happened.
The Darth Order are all forced to sit on a corner like they are cartoon characters while Juice Robinson cannon balls them. Juice Robinson pins The Piranha from Mat Mania.
Winners: New Japan World Order at 7 minutes and 10 seconds but seemed like 34 hours
Match Rating: 3 French Bulldogs out of 10
Sky Blue comes hobbling out on crutches. She is acting like a Barbie Doll, all sweet and nice. I thought the last time we saw her she was some kind of Gothic monster? What in the hell?!?!?
Oh, right. AEW. Doesn’t have to make sense.
Mariah May shoves Blue over and then belts her a few time after making a comment about the Windy City and blow jobs? Queen Aminata comes out chasing May off and helping Blue get to her feet.
The Undisputed Kingdom vs. The Beast Mortos and Shane Taylor Promotions vs. Action Andretti and Top Flight
Top Flight are all dressed in fighter pilot overalls? Isn’t that a bit too on the nose? You won’t believe this. Like Vince McMahon is booking this, there is valet with them dressed as a stewardess or a pilot in a short skirt but why is she carrying those glowing sticks that marshallers use on the runway to guide planes in?
Oh, right. AEW. Doesn’t have to make sense.
The guy who is dressed like Mantaur jumps on top of the faces on the floor. The flight attendant or pilot’s only job apparently is to wave those glowing sticks while Top Flight jumps out of the ring onto targets on the floor. That is her entire gimmick?
Mantaur 2024 spears one of the Top Gun dudes and the Undisputed Kingdom gets the pin. Whatever.
Winners: The Undisputed Kingdom at Coma O’clock (10 minutes and 43 seconds)
Rating: 6 Tom Cruise Impersonators out of 10
