Hey hey, fans!

I hope you’ve all got a cup of tea because there’ll be plenty of pettiness tonight. As long as Paul Heyman isn’t here this evening, I’m good.

The returning Iyo Sky and Dakota Kai have won their first round in the Women’s Tag Team Tournament. That made Bayley ecstatic. But since two very powerful, strong NXT women athletes, Nakkita Lyons and Zoey Stark are making their stand during this tournament… everyone else better watch out because I’ve been watching them both, and they are extraordinary.

So stupendous in fact that I think they are the best in their NXT women’s division. I don’t think Nattie and Deville are ready for them since they’re facing Lyons and Stark next week.

Aside from my need to flame some people, they know who they are, let’s get to the brawling.

Women’s Tag Team Championship Round One: Raquel Rodriguez & Aliyah vs. Shotzi & Xia Li

Raquel starts this match against Shotzi as she sends Rodriguez ramming back first into the turnbuckle. Shotzi goes for her submission move by spinning around Rodriguez’ neck. Raquel says “nope” and throws Shotzi on her knees hard. Like knock offs at Walmart.

Raquel and Aliyah work together as Rodriguez lifts Aliyah, so she could cross bodies Xia in the centre of the ring for a cover. Shotzi quickly intervenes with a Centaur move to Aliyah’s back to stop the close win.

Aliyah jumps Xia outside the ring right in front of Sonya Deville and Natalya, who are watching at ringside calling them pathetic. Nattie and Sonya do get their comeuppance as they are thrown into and against the barricades.

Shotzi and Xia play off one another as they have Aliyah on Li’s shoulder allowing Shotzi to plummet the top of her head on the mat for a failed submission as Aliyah jumps out.

Xia and Shotzi were planning on sending Rodriguez packing until Aliyah comes to the rescue as she spears Shotzi and kicks her out the ring to open the path for a Tahana Bomb by Rodriguez to Xia’s back for the win to advance in the tournament. Whoo!

Winners: Raquel Rodriguez & Aliyah

Karrion Kross has emerged from down below and attacked McIntyre while also making a point last week. Time is tick tick ticking.

Speaking of McIntyre, he is here tonight. He mentions the sudden and impactful attack by Kross last week. Drew has a message for Kross given that the hit wasn’t agreeable to him, so he wants to get Karrion to crawl back into the hole he came out of.

While at it, McIntyre decides to say that the “island of relevancy” isn’t real. Roman is just making crap up since Drew also fought Leanar without the assistance of his family, he did it on his own. So is it really relevant?

Scarlett, Kross’ oracle, shows up from the mist sending a wave of chills down my spine. Yet that was a distraction, the Usos arrive from behind to deliver their mark onto McIntyre for having Roman Reigns’ name in his mouth. I think he should’ve known better than to utter them, but where’s the fun in not being a filterless prick?

Ivar vs. Kofi Kingston?

There was suppose to be a match between these two men but Kofi wasted no time by attacking them as they made they’re entrance.

Kingston had the momentum for a bit, yet the Raiders quickly turned it around as they use their shields to protect themselves from the stinging of a kendo stick. Ivar climbs the barrier surrounding the audience, stands above Kofi and splashes on his stomach as Kingston laid on the floor in pain. Ouch!

The official came out late, as usual, to help Kofi since he was hurt by the impact. I do think this attempt was kind of foolish of Kingston to do, especially on his own probably knowing he can’t take ‘em.

Winner: Thrown Out

Sami Zayn is seen sniffing around Reigns’ locker room to talk to the Usos since Roman isn’t here. Things go haywire the second McIntyre sneak attacks the twins for earlier. Slamming Jey’s head against the brick wall and Jimmy’s shoulder as well. He hates that they keep interfering so he made that clear right there.

And you know where Zayn was the entire time this was happening? — Yeah. The moron ran away claiming he was getting security. He’s surely becoming another Paul Heyman. Not a compliment, by the way.

Hit Row vs. Brendon Scott & Trevor Irvin

Does it really matter right now who Scott and Irvin are? No? Good answer.

Anyway, Top Dolla from Hit Row starts this match, and “He’s okay with beating people’s ass quick,” according to McAfee. He sent Irvin flying off the apron. Dolla does a running kick to Scott’s face and flips his 330 pounds out of the ring like it’s nothing. Bravo!

Ashante “Thee” Adonis, the other half of Hit Row, comes in lifting Scott in the air and letting him fall face first on the mat. Like pancakes. Yum!

Top Dolla is tagged back in, Irvin jumps him from behind and gets caught, then Scott has a go and also gets caught, Dolla charges himself up for a cruel double body splash on the mat for all to witness.

Adonis and Dolla deliver an agonizing Heavy Hitter move to Scott’s head for an inconsequential win.

Putting everyone on notice that the OG3s of the industry, if you don’t know who they are, now you do.

Winners: Hit Row

I am happy and shocked but Ronda Rousey came by to see us regardless of her suspension. She paid her fine apparently. She was going to leave on her own but she got angry by the abrupt appearance of the officials. Given that she’s the Baddest Woman on the planet, she almost broke another referee’s arm. Hmm. I wouldn’t mind really.

Shayna came out for her Clash at the Castle signing but she also gave Rousey some advice by saying that bombarding the stage isn’t going to get you what you want. Shockingly, Rousey sticks it back to Baszler’s face as she says that Shayna used to be dangerous. I can’t say Ronda isn’t right. It’s like Shayna’s roaring self toned down. Sadly.

Liv does show up eventually and gets her injured arm further bruised by Baszler. It was brutal. I actually felt a tear coming out, it was that hard to watch. Oh, right, don’t worry, they got the papers signed.

Drew McIntyre & Madcap Moss vs. The Usos – Tag Team match

It began as a 2-on-1 match, which went well enough for the twins.

I’m sorry, but I had to tell you guys I got momentarily distracted by McAfee’s comment on Drew’s shouting, saying that it sounds like a ‘Sasquatch’. I cried out laughing so hard that my stomach cramped up. Ha!

Moving on. Madcap Moss joins as McIntyre’s random partner. The Usos have slowed their opponents’ speed down, which is what these twins are good at. That’s why they’re the best.

After scurrying away like an amateur criminal, Sami Zayn shows up again to assist the Usos by getting between Drew’s intend to Claymore Jimmy. Zayn slides away leaving Jimmy to Super kick him in the jaw. Jey climbs the top ropes and Uso Splashes McIntyre thinking that was it. Unfortunately it wasn’t.

The twins prepared themselves for a One D move, yet Madcap drags Jey out the ring and sends him in the barricades. Moss goes for it a second time, Jey moves out of the way to close line Moss into the timekeeper’s area.

Jimmy is left alone as McIntyre delivers a Claymore to Jimmy’s face for the win, I was amazed.

Winners: Drew McIntyre & Madcap Moss 

Los Lotharios interrupts a Maximum Male Models photo shoot backstage to offer their services to… no, not Max Dupri, but to his sister, Maxxine Dupri.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve seen Max Dupri, and I see he still hasn’t learned to back the hell up from a person’s face. I wouldn’t want the man’s lips close to my ear like that. Ew.

Also backstage is Kayla Braxton interviewing Ricochet about his new rivalry with Happy Corbin due to his giggles at Corbin’s broken… man parts. Corbin doesn’t find that funny, so he punches him out saying he’s not finished with Rico yet.

Gunther (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura – Intercontinental Championship match

This has been weeks in the making to happen. Gunther. Shinsuke Nakamura. I sound like a wrestling promo. Hmm. This is a matchup I haven’t seen, and I’m over the moon glad it happened. I wondered who could finally land a win against Gunther. Maybe Nakamura?

As the match is underway, Nakamura uses those fabulous legs of his to kick Gunther in the ass repeatedly until Shinsuke’s opponent slaps his chest. It wasn’t enough to put Shinsuke down, so he manages to roll Gunther into an arm bar but Gunther counters with a roll up of his own.

Ludwig had the nerve to be frustrated when Gunther got a kick to the side of his head, all bothered and whatnot. It made me giggle that he thinks he should be mad. Really?

Ha! Well, Shinsuke has a hook on Gunther’s bad arm, the slightly bruised one, as he holds onto it tightly for the opening of a tap out by the champ. Gunther counters once more with an amazing suplex after having Nakamura wrapped around his waist.

Shinsuke has Gunther sitting on the ropes and devastates The Ring General’s back… then gets a boot to the face soon after.

I was at the edge of my seat when Shinsuke had Gunther up ready for the Kinshasa move only to be whiplashed by a wicked close line. To Gunther’s dismay, Nakamura kicks out in time. Phew!

Regrettably, I was wrong earlier. Gunther retains his championship by defeating Shinsuke with a Power Bomb, one ever so familiar as we conclude the night.

And I have one thing to say: “I want to go back to that time of ignorance where I thought Nakamura would win. Thank you for listening.”

Winner: Gunther 

TOP PHOTO: Top Dolla is ready to deal the damage. Courtesy of WWE