We’re doing a giant double-sized recap of Total Bellas this time, covering last week’s episode as well as this week’s. It’s twice the craziness as Bryan gets baby fever, Nikki and Brie fight over a dog, and JJ and Lauren’s separation continues. And speaking of separation, Lauren wears a chesty shirt. Check out the recap for all the details.


Last Week

The episode starts with the Bellas visiting their BirdieBee offices in Phoenix where they first argue about who gets which office and then botch sticking the company nameplate on the window. Yep – and these two are actually running a company.

On a drive to Brie’s ultrasound appointment, Bryan starts obsessing over how long the drive will be from the house to the hospital; he wants to be prepared for when the big day comes. The ultrasound goes fine, but Bryan starts peppering the doctor with questions, because he’s apparently an expert on pregnancy, and doesn’t let Brie get a word in edgewise.

JJ comes over to crash at Nikki’s while he’s separated from his wife, information that he still hasn’t shared with his mom. Taking a page out of John Cena’s book, Nikki tries to run down the house rules that JJ will be expected to comply with. Including the one about not drinking every night – which is rich coming from a lush like Nikki… she’s even drinking wine when saying this!

But the rule that JJ is really offended by is the one that prohibits him from having any one-on-one conversations with John Cena. This one is Nikki’s because she’s afraid JJ will vent about his busted marriage and give Cena even more reasons to not want to get married. Like the idea of spending your life with Nikki isn’t enough.

The next day, Bryan brings home a doll and some cloth diapers so he and Brie can practice changing their baby. Brie, like every other person living in the 21st century, can’t fathom why Bryan would want to use cloth diapers, and he explains it’s because he thinks the world is too lazy these days. They then watch as their dogs lick the babies, which is encouraging… until they start a doggie brawl over the prone doll’s body.

‎Nikki is hurting after a match from the night before, and can’t move her arms or neck. But she’s still healthy enough to open a bottle of wine, despite the house rules. Then her mom Kathy calls to see the villa Nikki and John are renting. As Nikki is giving her a Face-Time tour, JJ walks by in a towel. Kathy sees him and questions Nikki as to who he is, but Nikki denies anyone else is in the house, since she knows JJ doesn’t want Kathy to know about him living there. JJ says Nikki should have told Kathy it was Richard the boom mic guy, but this show isn’t really that lame as to steal plot devices from the terrible last season of The Office, is it?

Bryan forces Brie on a trip to a landfill to witness the effects of disposable diapers on the environment, which is a crappy way to spend the day. If they wanted to watch a bunch of festering trash, they should just pop in a DVD of the Bellas’ matches. They start digging around a pile of garbage and it’s predictably gross.

The next day, JJ breaks the Prime Directive and meets Cena for lunch – without Nikki there. He reveals to Cena that he and Lauren are on the splits. He asks Cena for advice as a divorced man, and Cena says he’s welcome to ask whatever he wants, he’s an open book. Cena tells him that he wasn’t ready to be married at the time, and that a lot of the problems in his marriage was because of him. Cena gives him some straight talk and says if he loves Laurel, to do what he can to make it work. JJ then asks Cena if he’s going to marry Nikki, and after thinking about a life with Nikki forever, Cena gives him an AA through the restaurant table and runs away to parts unknown. Actually, he says ‎yes he thinks they’ll get married some day, as being with Nikki for the past five years has changed his mind on marriage.

‎They get home and Nikki pries about what they were talking about while they were out. They refuse to tell her what the discussion was about.

Nikki visits Brie where she gets a recap on the trip to the landfill. Brie tells Nikki that Kathy thinks Nikki is cheating on John, something she shared with Brie right after her Face-Time session. Brie asks Nikki about what was going on, and Nikki totally ignores JJ’s wishes and tells Brie about his and Laurel’s separation.

They then pick out clothes for a planned vacation to Lake Tahoe, because that’s much more important than JJ’s marriage woes.

Backstage at TV, Nikki talks to Cena that she doesn’t want JJ to talk to him about his problems, since she doesn’t want Cena burdened with anything other than trying to figure out how to live with her annoyingness. He says that JJ needs advice, and that he’s not bothered by hearing other peoples’ problems. He tells her to not worry, that the two of them will be together for a long time.

The twins, JJ, and Kathy are on the way to Tahoe. Kathy asks why Lauren isn’t there, and JJ comes up with a lame excuse. Brie takes some snipes at JJ, because she’s all mad at him for abandoning his newborn.

He Face-Times Lauren, and afterwards, Nikki pulls him aside. She reiterates to him that he should go to therapy with Lauren to work out their problems, but he’s dismissive of the idea.

She tells him that therapy was helpful for her and John, so he should consider it. Then, she tells JJ about Kathy’s suspicions of her cheating on John.

That night over dinner, Brie vents about Bryan’s overbearingness about the pregnancy. She says she kind of resents how much he’s telling her how to deal with the pregnancy. They wonder if there’s a way that he could feel what she’s going through, and find online a device that will inflict labour pains on a guy.

Bryan calls as they’re watching the video, and suggests the name Branch for the baby. Brie hates it, but doesn’t rule it out to avoid a fight. Nikki suggests Bryan try this pregnancy pain generator, and of course he’s excited to try it out to get the full pregnancy experience.

At brunch the next day, Kathy lays out her suspicions about JJ and Lauren, and asks the twins to let her in on the secret Blabbermouth Nikki tells her about JJ and Lauren. Kathy is sad to hear about it and wants to talk to JJ about it that night.

Later, the sisters and mom confront JJ who says he didn’t want them to know because he didn’t need their advice. He gets angry with them for raising it and trying to interfere in his business. They try to get him to work on the marriage no matter what. He says he’ll think about what to do and consider their unsolicited advice.

The next day, Lauren comes to a family dinner because she doesn’t know they know. The gathering is just an excuse to watch the guys go through the contraction pain simulator. JJ goes first, thinking that if he feels this pain it will help him be closer to understanding Lauren who just had his kid. Cena is too smart to do this because the pain of living with Nikki is bad enough. JJ is in agony and everyone laughs at his misery.

Bryan goes next and is calmly meditative about the experience, not flinching despite the pain. At first, Brie gets annoyed, knowing that she’s going to be a mess when she’s on the birthing table. But then realizes that he went through it and is deeply interested in her pregnancy because he cares so much about her and their soon-to-be family and wants to undergo every associated experience.


This Week


The episode starts off on the red carpet where the Bellas are hanging out – particularly, Nikki’s boobs in a fancy Oscars dress. They compete about which one loves Winson the dog more.

At TV, Nikki and Nattie are having the blow-off match in their feud, and the way they edit it, it actually makes a Nikki match look not terrible. Nikki hopes she’ll now get a new storyline to take her into WrestleMania.

Cena and Nikki go to visit Brie and Bryan at their house. Brie’s a bit nervous because their humble home is so much smaller than Cena’s mansion – to an embarrassing extent. Cena definitely seems uncomfortable being there, but is at least polite about it. Though it’s not lost on Bryan that Cena’s shoes probably cost more than the house does.

Inside, Brie and Nikki argue some more about who loves Nikki’s dog more. Apparently, Brie feels she has some ownership over Winston now because she’s been looking after him during her pregnancy leave.

Outside, Bryan confesses to Cena that he’s worried about going to Mania because there’s a risk that Brie will give birth that week, and he wouldn’t want to miss seeing his child being born. Cena says that if it were him, he’d stay home rather than risk losing that chance. Then things get weird when Bryan tells Cena about his idea to be a wrestling gardner.

Brie and Bryan visit a store to select a bunch of things they want to add to their baby registry. Bryan’s irritated by Brie’s insistence on adding a bunch of things, which is kind of the point of having a baby registry, no?

Kathy and Brie visit the BirdieBee offices where Lauren and JJ are there, presumably because that’s the only company that would hire either of them. They tell Brie to not be ashamed about picking a bunch of gifts for the baby registry, even if they’re expensive. Brie suggests they throw Nikki a party to pay her back for planning so many parties for Brie like her bachelorette party and her baby shower. They decide on a Women Empowerment theme for the party, because it’s kinder than saying it’s a party for Nikki who’s never going to get married or have kids but we want to throw you a party anyway. That night at dinner, JJ blabs to Nikki about the party, which was supposed to be a surprise, and Nikki’s upset, correctly discerning that it’s a pity party for her.

During the commercial, it’s noted that this is the tenth season of the Kardashian reality show and all I can say is thank goodness they’re not wrestlers, because I’d hate to do the recap of that show – they’re even more annoying than the Bellas, and that’s a pretty high bar of annoyance.

At home, Bryan sees some of the things Brie’s received from people who’ve bought things off their baby register, and loses his mind because he’d rather live like a Flintstone than having good things. He’s particularly upset by a $400 baby monitor, feeling guilty that someone would spend their hard-earned money on it.

Brie goes to visit Lauren, who still doesn’t know that everyone knows about her and JJ. Brie drops the facade and spills the beans, leading to a great talking head segment with Lauren where she says a bunch of things that I didn’t hear because I was too distracted by the amount of boobage her frontless dress shows off… man, JJ’s an idiot. Brie suggests that Lauren push JJ into going to therapy with her to try to salvage the marriage.

At lunch, Nikki vents to John about Brie’s plan to have her a pity party, and he tells Nikki to talk to Brie to kybosh the idea. Later, Nikki confronts Brie about it, and throws JJ under the bus as the source. Brie tries to defend the concept of the party, but Nikki won’t hear it. Then Winston pukes. Nikki takes care of him, and then tells Brie she’s taking him home for the night.

John Cena hosts the Kids Choice Awards and by all accounts does a great job. While this is going on, Brie calls up Kathy and finds out that Nikki left Winston with her. Brie’s upset because in her mind, it’s like Nikki stole him and then abandoned him, and if she was going to leave him anywhere, it should be back home with Brie.

They go pick him up from Kathy’s and they explain to Kathy and Johnny why they’re so upset with Nikki. Kathy tells Brie to calm down and maybe she and Nikki need to just talk it out.

Back home, Brie and Bryan continue their argument over all of the gifts Brie’s selected for their registry. He notes that he didn’t have a lot of stuff growing up, so why does she think their kid needs so much. Brie understands his perspective, but at the same point, she wants to have the things she needs.

JJ pops into his house and Lauren asks him why he told his family about their separation. He gets all angry, saying that he shouldn’t have to defend himself because he’s the one who had to move out. Lauren asks him to come to therapy with her, but JJ is completely adamant about not going. That he prefers being separated and will likely prefer being divorced.

The next day, Nikki returns and goes to Kathy to pick up Winston, not knowing that Brie has already taken her home. Kathy suggests they go together to get him back. On the way over to Brie’s, Nikki confesses that she needs Winston because she’s always lonely because John is always on the road doing things.

They get to Brie’s and the sparks fly between Nikki and Brie over where Winston’s real home is. During all this, Winston runs outside and gets hit by a car, killing him instantly. No, that doesn’t happen, but wouldn’t that have been ironic? Nikki tells Brie about her loneliness without the dog being around, and they agree that they both need to be more communicative. And on that note, Nikki tells Brie to forget about having a Women Empowerment party for her, full stop, no further discussion.

The next day, the twins go to Brie’s baby shower, and it looks really well-done. Bryan shows up with Winston and the other dog that nobody fights about. He surprises Brie with a gift from him… the $400 baby monitor. He says that if it’s something she really wants, he won’t deny her. They then pick the name for their kid, and it’s Winston. Actually, it’s Birdie.

JJ and Lauren head to their first marriage counselling session. Their first session starts off with them telling each other how the other makes them feel. But then we have another talking head segment with Lauren, and her boobs are once again more interesting than anything they’re talking about.

Back at TV, Nikki’s excited that she’ll be starting a new storyline – the one that will lead to her and John Cena facing The Miz and Maryse at WrestleMania. In the ring, Maryse slaps John Cena, which sends Nikki out to threaten her and start the ball rolling. In her talking head segment, it looks like she borrowed Lauren’s shirt, and in a rarity, I actually want Nikki to talk more. Nikki says she doesn’t need a party to feel fulfilled, being in the ring does. Unfortunately.

Bob Kapur isn’t a dog person. E-mail him your favourite funny cat videos at bobkapur@hotmail.com