Total Divas: Renee is rude, ruins Lana’s mood, and so they feud; all the dudes viewed Maryse’s nudes; Brie’s bad food screwed her aptitude to extrude a brood.

While most weeks focuses on what the Divas are doing, this week is all about what they are NOT doing. In short: having a kid (Brie); wrestling (Eva and Paige); seeing well and wearing clothes (Maryse); having fun (Lana); and staying sober (Renee). Check out the recap for all (or none) of the details.

Over lunch, Brie is whining about the fact that she’s still not pregnant, while taking potshots at Nikki for being crazy. She hypothesizes that faulty hormones are the root cause of both.

Backstage, WWE suit Mark Carrano gives Eva the good news that she’s coming back to TV, with a storyline that will set her apart from everyone else. She and all her friends are thrilled. Wrestling fans? Not so much.

Miz and Maryse are trying to co-ordinate their flying schedules, but apparently, Maryse can’t read English. Or, no, wait, it’s just that she needs reading glasses. Miz suggests she get her eyesight checked, but she’s in denial about her vision.

Eva’s big TV return isn’t everything she was hoping for, since it involves her making excuses to not actually wrestle. She’s baffled by the whole idea.

The Bellas go to a holistic doctor to get some acupuncture and there’s far too much talking about Brie’s cycle for my liking. Nikki’s diagnosis is that Brie’s vegetarian lifestyle is messing up the timing down there.

Backstage, Lana suggest to Rusev that he join her on a trip she’s been asked to go on to some villa resort. He doesn’t seem too enthused, but says he’ll think about it.

At home, Miz tests Maryse’s vision, and she fails miz-erably. And, holy cow, they have a lot of alcohol at their bar. I hope for their sake that Dean Ambrose, that drunk, never comes over. Miz has brought her a selection of reading glasses to try out, but she doesn’t like any of them. Miz suggests she go for Lasik eye surgery, like he’s had, but she’s scared by the thought.

Backstage, Paige is summoned to Carrano’s office where Jerry Lawler is loitering for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, in the ring, Lana gets her face full of cake thanks to Roman Reigns.

Next, we see Paige in tears as she’s walking around the parking lot, talking on the phone with her boyfriend, Alberto Del Rio. She’s steaming mad because she found out from Carrano that she’s been suspended for a wellness policy failure. She denies taking any drugs, and clarifies that the failure wasn’t for taking any banned substances, but rather waiting too long to take the test and missing the allotted window to do so.

Backstage, Eva expresses her disappointment with her storyline to Nattie. Nattie points out that she once had a storyline where she had chronic flatulence, and suggests she just go with the flow. But Eva feels that this is simply negating all of the hard work she put in over the past year, including going back down to NXT to learn how to wrestle.

Renee and Naomi join Lana and Rusev in Anguilla for their charity work. Though I don’t see many under-privileged kids at the bar where they’re all throwing back shots. During the tour of the villa, Lana warns the others that Rusev likes to walk around naked. Renee is ticked that Rusev is even there, as she wanted this to be a girls’ trip, much less to see his little Rusev.

At home, Nikki has a surprise in store for Brie: a catered dinner. Though she got Brie about a garden’s worth of veggies, while she herself starts mowing down on a side of meat as big as the one that tipped over the Flintstones car. Nikki says that she was trying to prove a point, and that Brie needs iron to have a kid. Brie says if she has to give up her veggie ways in order to have kids, then she won’t have kids. Maybe she should just adopt a baby cow.

In Anguilla, Renee is still resentful of Rusev being there, and keeps making comments to Lana about it, since she’s learned from Dean Ambrose how to be ultra-obnoxious and annoying.

Brie calls up Rosa Mendez, who gave up her vegetarian ways in order to have a kid, to get some advice. Rosa tells Brie that she should do the same. But also warns her that once she develops a taste for meat, she’ll be a carnivore for life.

In Anguilla, the girls frolic around in some lagoon. One can only imagine that the poor orphans or whomever it is that they’re supposed to help while on this charity trip are dreaming longingly about being able to one day even drink a drop of fresh water, much less swim around in it without a care in the world. Later, there’s some tension when Lana wants to take pictures of Trinity, who doesn’t want to be photographed with wet hair, and Renee gets all huffy.

Miz comes back from the gym and he’s quite pleased because while he was there, Maryse texted him a nudie shot. But because of her poor vision, she didn’t realize that she accidentally sent it to a bunch of other people as well. Now, let me be the first to condemn anyone who hacks celebrities’ cellphones, or posts those illegally-obtained pictures, or downloads them from those morally-bankrupt sites that post them when they are leaked. So before you creeps start trying to hack her nudie shots, it’s a lot easier to just Google her Playboy pics like I did… I mean… or so I’ve been told.

Backstage, Eva and Nattie spend some time with a contest winner, and they try to put a positive spin on Eva’s storyline, noting that hey, it’s at least something – it’s her first storyline ever – and it could lead to something big, if done right. As Nattie talks about her love for the business, Eva gets something of an epiphany, reminding herself that she should be happy just to even be out there in any capacity.

Miz and Maryse arrive at the building, and everyone’s teasing her about her accidental sext.

Later, Eva’s newest TV spot has her suffering a wardrobe malfunction, so still not wrestling. This time, though, she realizes that she’s an entertainer, and the crowd is eating it up, so she’s happy with the way it goes.

In Anguilla, Renee and Naomi ditch Lana and Rusev to go drinking. Meanwhile, Lana and Rusev are having a nice couple’s dinner. There’s an interesting segment where they cut back and forth between the two couples – Lana and Rusev having a quiet, boring dinner, while Renee knocks down shots like they owe her money.

Lana calls Renee to find out what they’re up to, and Renee is horribly obnoxious to her. Rusev tells Lana it’s either hang out with him or with the town drunks, but she’s got to decide. Lana is upset that he’d lay down that kind of ultimatum, but ends up staying with him.

Later, as they’re sleeping, Renee and Naomi come back to the villa, and decide to wake them up with a prank. Lana busts them in the attempt, and isn’t too pleased.

The Bellas are out for a cryotherapy session (where they freeze you) in an attempt to get Brie to have a baby. Anyone who thinks that will work is too stupid to even be allowed to procreate, but dammit, how would they end the season in a few weeks if she didn’t? Anyway, the doctor tells her that freezing her lady bits off is probably not the best way to fill them up with a kid. And the quest for the ultimate season finale pregnancy announcement continues.

The two lushes loudly party back at the villa, and Lana calls them out for their boorish behaviour. She and Renee verbally tear into each other until Naomi pulls Lana away from the scene.

The next morning at breakfast, Lana tells Rusev that she and Renee are no longer friends. Renee comes in and there’s a definite chill in the air. Rusev suggests that Lana make up with her, even though what he should tell her is to organize an intervention for Renee or cut her off from her life as part of a “tough love” strategy to get her to dry out already.

Later that morning, they finally go and visit some kids and do some charity – remember, the reason they made the trip in the first place? Lana decides to forget the drama and focus on helping the kids.

Later, Miz and Maryse are at the Lasik centre. Maryse is nervous, but goes through with it, and it’s a complete success.

Back at the villa, Lana apologizes to Renee – even though it was Renee that was the offensive one… again with the enabling – and explains that she just misses her friends who are all on the other brand. Lana says she never had a lot of friends growing up, so she often puts up barriers to keep them away lest she befriend someone and then get hurt later on. They make up and are BFFs once again.

Maryse has recovered from her surgery, and she proves it by reading a love note to Miz, though if it were me, I’d have preferred another nudie shot.

p> Bob Kapur prefers meat-lovers’ over vegetarian pizza. E-mail him a slice at bobkapur@hotmail.com.