On tonight’s episode of Total Divas, Nattie tried to get away with TJ, but fights about money ruined the trip. Meanwhile, Nattie’s cat tried to get away from Ariane and her idiot boyfriend Vinnie. And Nikki and Brie got away to visit a farm to watch some chickens get killed. Confused? Read on for all the details!

The show starts off with the Funkadactyls and Alicia Fox hanging out backstage with the seamstress Sondra, talking about boobs. They try to get Sandra to twerk, but she refuses, arguing that she’s a professional. After they demonstrate it, she bravely gives it a try as well. Honestly, she should get her own show.

Nattie shows off her photo spread in Flex Magazine, which she calls a dream come true. Eva Marie and Summer Rae try to rain on her parade, noting that it’s a mens’ bodybuilding magazine.

The next day over brunch, she informs the girls she’s going to New York to promote the photo spread, and she will get to take Tyson (TJ) Kidd with her, so it will be like a romantic getaway vacation for them. Nattie frets about who will take care of her cats, and Ariane agrees to do it. I’d make a lame sexual joke here, but the show already beats me to it.

The Bellas are out midnight grocery shopping while half naked (yeah, this is “reality”), and insert more lame sexual jokes and cattiness here. Nikki wants to buy some chicken, but Brie says she has to buy a different kind of chicken because this show needs some sort of dumb conflict to keep things moving for an hour, and the two get into a fight.

Nattie and TJ are packing for their trip to New York, and Nattie’s excitement plummets when TJ lets her know he’s invited his sister, who Nattie doesn’t like, on the trip. See earlier comment around dumb conflicts, rinse, and repeat.

They check into their hotel in NYC, and Nattie’s romantic aspirations are killed even further when she founds out that TJ’s sister Valerie will be staying in the room adjoining theirs.

Ariane lands in Tampa, and Vinnie picks her up at the airport. They’re going to house-sit and cat-sit for Nattie, and on the drive there, they compete for the title of Most Annoying Person in the World – Ariane, by whining and making annoying voices and sounds, and Vinnie by being Vinnie.

Nattie and TJ continue to argue, this time about money, because TJ is paying for his sister to use the expensive hotel spa. Valerie shows up right after this, and Nattie starts a passive-aggressive interrogation about what other expenses TJ has promised to cover for her.

Ariane and Vinnie make it to Nattie’s and the annoy-fest continues. Ariane immediately starts snooping around and, speaking of cats, make a lot of catty comments about Nattie’s wardrobe, and Nattie in general. Vinnie, meanwhile, is afraid of the cats because he’s Vinnie and he sucks.

The Bellas are shooting a music video for some singer I’ve never heard of. Nikki is eating from catering, and Brie starts up about the chicken again. Nikki wants her to drop the subject already, for the love of God. But Brie is worried about how humanely the chickens are killed, and conveniently has a video that she makes Nikki watch showing the horrors of animal abuse and slaughter that they go through in order to become so tasty for the rest of us.

Nattie is doing her promotion for the magazine spread, including an interview with OK! TV, and has a positive message about body image.

Meanwhile, the Bellas are at backstage catering, and of course their chicken squabble continues. But her propaganda seems to have worked, because Nikki is now freaked out by the thought of eating the chicken that was served. Yeah, baby, we get a Heath Slater appearance! He and Daniel Bryan join the discussion, and after listening to Nikki, he’s worried about eating the dead chickens too.

Back in NYC with Nattie, TJ, and Valerie, and they’re out at a restaurant. More money arguments ensue, because TJ has agreed to buy Valerie a bouncy castle so she can start a business renting it out for parties. That’s the same business plan that the Godfather had with that one overweight ho. Nattie’s upset because it costs about $5,000 and TJ agreed to do so without talking to Nattie about it first. TJ compares it to her buying her parents a car, and then Valerie fans the flames by talking about how much their cats cost, at which point Nattie should have punched hem both in their fiscally irresponsible faces. Instead, she leaves the restaurant in a huff.

Brie takes Nikki out to a farm where they treat animals humanely, so as to help Nikki regain her love for eating chicken, in some strange reverse logic way. They go into the chicken corrall and we hear all about how eating free-range and jailhouse chickens is bad, and all I can think of is how delicious a bucket of the Colonel’s would taste right about now. Nikki’s mind is blown and she has a chicken epiphany, and promises only to eat fat and happy chickens. This show is clucking awful.

Vinnie is playing with or abusing Nattie’s cat, it’s hard to tell. And then a bunch of people come over, because Ariane has decided to throw a big party in Nattie’s house. If this were an 80s sitcom, she would end up calling Sandra to help clear out the unwanted guests when things got too out of hand. And the cat would run away, leading to a stern lecture from Sandra about responsibility. Then, with 2 minutes to go, the cat would be found, and the studio audience would go “Awwwwww.”. There’s still 25 minutes left in this episode, so let’s see what happens.

Nattie has a great autograph session for Flex and the large turnout and interacting with the fans lightens her mood somewhat after her fight wtih TJ, but she’s still upset that he’s not there with her.

Back at Ariane’s party, and the booze is flowing freely.Trinity and Jimmy Uso show up, and Trinity is shocked that Ariane would throw such a big party at Nattie’s place without permission. Now, random people that Ariane doesn’t know are even walking in. After a bit, Ariane notices the front door is open and Louie the cat is gone. Jimmy Uso tries to lighten the mood with a dumb sexual joke, but it falls flat. Panicked, the Funkadactyls go out to try to find Louie, while Jimmy Uso jokes about how it likely froze to death (in Tampa?), and Vinny suggests they all go for a shower together or something equally inane and meows stupidly. One of Nattie’s neighbours hears them arguing outside, and comes out to find out what is going on. They come up with some lame 80s sitcom nonsense excuses, and she ultimately leaves, but not before pointing out that one of Ariane’s idiot guest ran their car into the telephone pole outside Nattie’s house.

Nattie retrieves her voicemail, and her narc of a neighbour has told her what’s going on in her house, and her suspicion that the cat is missing. Nattie calls Ariane in a panic to find out what’s going on. Ariane and Vinnie try to bluff their way out of it again, but Nattie wants only the truth. Finally, Ariane comes clean and tells Nattie about the party and that Louie is MIA. Nattie angrily decides to come straight home. On the way to the hotel to grab her stuff, she calls TJ to let him know what happened, and he’s livid.

Nattie gets to the hotel and starts packing, and she and TJ are ready to kill Ariane and Vinnie for losing their cat. Meanwhile, those dopes actually find Louie hiding underneath a car. Ariane calls Nattie and lets her know the good news and apologizes. TJ doesn’t hide his anger towards Ariane and Vinnie and disses them both over the phone – to Jimmy Uso’s great amusement.

TJ’s anger spills over towards Nattie and they continue their earlier argument about money. Nattie says she feels betrayed that he would make such a big decision without talking with her first. She feels that his money and her money is actually their money now that they’re married, and she wants them to make money decisions jointly. He says he felt upset when she bought her parents a car, and that it’s no different than his idea to buy the bouncy castle for Valerie. She sees his point and apologizes. He apologizes as well, and agree to be more communicative in future.

Back at Nattie’s place, and Jimmy Uso and Trinity scold Ariane about her irresponsibility. But she and that d-bag Vinnie are more interested in keeping the party train rolling on – hopefully it won’t run over Louie.

Bob Kapur has been locked in the chicken wing by Mr. Bob Backlund. Tell him about your favourite interaction with a wrestler at bobkapur@hotmail.com.