The season finale of Total Divas saw the Bella Twins on the opposite ends of the relationship spectrum. Brie got a cold hard engagement ring from Daniel Bryan, while Nikki got a cold hard dose of the truth about her relationship with John Cena. Meanwhile, Eva Marie’s family are as obnoxious all the time as Nattie is when she’s drunk. Check out the recap for all the details!

The show starts off backstage, where the Bellas are talking about their menstrual cycle. Then Nikki suggests the two of them take a pregnancy test together. Brie is too stupid to read the instructions correctly, so hopefully from that she realizes she’s probably not ready for parenthood to begin with. Nikki’s results are negative, which is good, she says, because that way she can still drink.

TJ wakes up, but Nattie apparently entered “Brie mode” the night before, and wakes up from a drunken blackout. She’s surprised to see that she’s received a text message from Stephanie McMahon alluding to some drunken voicemails that Nattie left for her. , Hangover-style flashbacks show Nattie getting hammered the night before. Nattie thinks she’s going to get fired for whatever it is she can’t remember doing.

Later, backstage, WWE executive Mark pulls Nattie aside and tells her she made a career-damaging move last night with the calls.

Eva Marie makes her RAW debut, teaming with JoJo and Nattie against three Divas who aren’t on Total Divas, so their names don’t matter. Backstage, the Funkadactyls watch, and the grim looks on their faces tell the story about Eva’s performance. Eva knows she has some work to do, but is excited nonetheless.

The next day, Eva Marie and her finacee Jonathan are going to visit her parents. He’s going to ask her parents for their blessing to marry her – and also to tell them he and Eva Marie are engaged, because they haven’t been told yet. I guess they don’t watch this show. They decide to pretend they are not engaged already. Eva Marie’s mom doesn’t seem impressed by Jonathan – likely because he wears his ears tucked into his ballcap – seriously, who does that?

A bunch of Nikki’s friends come over so they can see her and John Cena’s house. They all worked at Hooters with Nikki, and there are a lot of shots of them cavorting around in bikinis – best show ever. The girls say that the pool would be a great place for kids, but Nikki quashes that noise by letting them know that Cena is anti-kid.

At Eva Marie’s house, she introduces her father to Jonathan. Her father seems like a drunken lout, and he gets all up in Jon’s grill about why he’s there even though he’s only known Eva Marie for a couple of months. Eva Marie’s brothers all seem like a-holes like their father and give Jonathan the gears about everything from his tattoos to his piercings to his wardrobe. Dude, she’s hot, but she’s not hot enough to put up with this nonsense for the rest of your life.

Brie and Daniel Bryan are in a cozy rental cabin, and they talk about going to the bathroom in front of each other. WTF am I watching?

Nikki’s friends all come down the stairs where Cena is waiting to take them out to dinner – it looks like an episode of The Bachelor with him on a group date with the desperate contestants. After sharing bathroom stories – really, what it is with this show? – they start pressuring Cena about why he doesn’t want to have kids. He says that his work schedule wouldn’t be fair to his kids, and he doesn’t want to have kids if he can’t be a good parent to them. He also has to explain why he doesn’t want to get married again. Once again, Cena is the mature voice of reason on this show. Nikki is bummed out hearing Cena’s answers.

At breakfast, Eva Marie’s family continue their a-holery towards Jonathan. Undaunted, he asks for their blessing to get married. They react about how you’d expect – like a-holes. Apparently, they are against this because Eva Marie once brought home a fiancee before, and he was bad news, so they don’t want it to happen again. Her father does his best Daniel Bryan impression, and yells “No!” and then drunkenly stumbles over some other words. Her brothers also get their two stupid cents in. Jonathan tries to calm things down, but her family won’t have any of it. Her mom even says that if they do get married and Eva Marie comes by later and says she’s getting divorced, she will not be welcome into the family home. What’s wrong with these people? Eva Marie basically says F your blessings, we’re gonna get married if we want to. She and Jonathan pack their bags and head out the door. Her family asks her to stay (presumably without Jonathan), but she’s gone. In the car, she tells Jonathan that they should just elope.

At their cabin retreat, Daniel and Brie go out for a nature hike and marvel at the trees and rivers and such. They find a grassy hill overlooking the ocean and stare at it. Then Daniel drops to a knee and proposes to Brie who says “Yes! Yes! Yes!”. Well, she actually just says it once. He then surprises her with a moonlight dinner, complete with all of their friends and family members. A flashback shows that Daniel asked Nikki some time earlier for help in making the plans for the celebration – surprisingly, Nikki didn’t blab the secret. But as happy as she was, there was a big part of Nikki that was jealous of Brie’s engagement. She talks to her parents about her dilemma – staying with the man she loves means that she will never have a husband or kids, two things that she wants. Nikki’s mom tells her that she needs to have that discussion with Cena.

At the next show, Nattie talks to the Funkadactyls about her drunk calls to Stephanie. They laugh and tell her (complete with more flashbacks) that they had tried to stop her from calling Stephanie and making a fool of herselves. Nattie also called Ariane a stripper that night – wow, what a mean drunk. Be a S.T.A.R., Nattie. The other Divas laugh at Nattie’s follies, and then marvel over Brie’s engagement ring. Meanwhile, Nikki heads into the WWE doctor’s office to get her injured leg checked on, and he gives her the go-ahead to get back in the ring.

Nattie talks to Fandango about her drunk calls to Stephanie and after laughing at her, he tells her to seek out Stephanie and talk to her. She finds Stephanie in her office, where each message is played for her. The earlier messages were all about her frustration with her career and not having more opportunities. But as she got drunker, they get stranger, including one where she discloses she was going commando. And in her last one, she basically said she was quitting the company out of frustration. Stephanie reassured her that she is cared for, she is respected and well-liked, and that the incident was forgiven. They hug it out and all is good.

Eva Marie has a match, and she feels like the ring is where she is supposed to be. That does not bode well for Jonathan, though. After the show, she tells him that she will be on the road for the next month, so an elopement won’t work. Plus, she would feel bad about excluding her family from the ceremony. Basically, it sucks to be Jonathan.

Back at Cena’s house, Nikki decides to tell John that her discussions with her friends have made her realize that she wants to be a mom. Cena tells her flatly that he can’t give her that. Since the beginning, he says, he’s told her that “you can’t see me” ever getting married or having kids. He apologizes if he ever gave her any signal to the contrary, but it’s not going to happen. Nikki says that she doesn’t want to look back on her life at some point in the future with regrets, and if he won’t budge, then she is going to have to rethink their relationship.

The show, and the season, ends with an ominous shot of an approaching thunderstorm, representing the turmoil that this relationship is going to be going through. I guess we’ll find out what happens when Total Divas returns in March, 2014.

Bob Kapur is available to date any Divas out there. If interested, e-mail him at