Before anything else, the night is respectfully dedicated to Randy Savage, and it seems that the spirit of the Macho Man is emboldening everyone to give a little extra as the WWE delivers an exciting and thoroughly satisfying show. Five championships are on the line, which surpasses Wrestlemania’s haul, while Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler appear to come to the decisive and concluding moment in their feud.
John Cena and the Miz close out the night with their “I Quit” match for the WWE Championship. After the bell rings, The Miz grabs the ref’s mic and reminds Cena that there are no disqualifications, so there’s nothing stopping Alex Riley from making this a handicap match. Cena fights them both gamely, but it only takes a few moments for Cena to fall prey to the double team. Did Booker T just say that Cena has been a champion despite limited skills and ability? Yes, he did. The Miz goes for an early Skull-Crushing Finale, but Cena counters with an AA — but Riley waylays him with the ever-present steel suitcase. The Miz and Riley proceed with a series of double-team moves: suplex, running Cena into the exposed metal of the outside barrier, then back-and-forth with monitors to the gut and head.
Cena finds a little life with a clothesline on Riley, but The Miz sends him smashing into the steel steps, followed by a DDT on those same steps. Through all this, Cena refuses to quit. Riley then hoists the steps and brings them down on Cena’s side. Riley holds the champ with his torso exposed for Miz to strike with a kendo stick, but Cena still doesn’t give up — even telling his challenger that he hits like a girl. The Miz and Riley drag Cena up the ramp, where The Miz knocks him off the platform with a kick to the face before Riley drapes Cena over the camera crane. The Miz offers Cena another chance to quit, but again Cena insults him and suffers a leather-belt whipping.
Where do you go from there? The Miz tries a Skull-Crushing Finale against a chair wedged into the ropes. When that doesn’t work, the WWE goes green by recycling a previously used idea: The Miz uses a soundbite of Cena saying “I Quit” to make a fake announcement, just as The Rock beat Mankind many years ago. This time, though, the ref sees through the plot and re-starts the match. Cena takes out Riley with an AA onto the announcer’s table and then, showing absolutely no ill-effects from his legendary beating, whips The Miz with a leather belt and gets him to quit in the STF in mere seconds to retain the WWE Championship.
The next WWE pay-per-view is Capitol Punishment on June 19th.
Seattle, WA, host of Wrestlemania 19, serves as the home for tonight’s event, with commentary by the trio of Josh Matthews, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T.
R-Truth vs. Rey Mysterio
R-Truth’s entrance has become something excellent — no music as Truth walks to the ring muttering to himself before delivering a half-comprehensible sermon about the conspiracy against him. Truth is anxious to get going, attacking Mysterio eagerly and setting the tone by driving him across the apron and hard into the corner post. Mysterio avoids and counters just enough moves to stay alive, and even comes within a few steps of landing the 619. Truth takes firm control, though, by pulling Mysterio off of the apron and squaring him on the apron dressing. He drags Mysterio back into the ring and plants him with a reverse STO, obtaining a clean and very important win.
Winner via pinfall: R-Truth
Todd Grisham is behind the scenes with The Miz, who promises that his wits will lead him to victory tonight where John Cena’s previous “I Quit” match opponents have failed. After that, Michael Cole shares his secrets to having a ripe, disgusting foot. It’s like a little mini-lesson in how not to be dashing.
Ezekial Jackson is now a happy guy.
Ezekial Jackson (challenger) vs. Wade Barrett (champion) — for the Intercontinental Championship
Barrett is surprisingly unaccompanied, and might be regretting it early on as he is handily tossed about by his former stablemate. He survives an onslaught of punches and clotheslines, then takes advantage of a small opening to twice run Jackson shoulder-first into the ringpost. The champ hoists Jackson up for Wasteland, but the challenger powers out and proceeds to pummel Barrett with five consecutive bodyslams — which the crowd really enjoys. Jackson then gets the Torture Rack applied, but Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater run in to make the save, forcing the ref to call for the bell.
Winner via disqualification: Ezekial Jackson (Intercontinental Championship does not change hands)
CM Punk is walking backstage giving excellent strategic advice to Mason Ryan (namely, avoid the Knock-Out Punch and Chokeslam), when they discover Michael McGilicutty and David Otunga splayed out on the dressing room floor, blaming Big Show and Kane for the attack. Punk tells Ryan this is a good thing, seeing that they’ve got under the skin of the tag champs — and he urges McGillicutty and Otunga to “walk it off”.
Sin Cara vs. Chavo Guerrero
Cara’s mood lighting is a yellow hue tonight. The two trade arm-bars before Cara starts running wild, sending Guerrero out of the ring with a head-scissors and then diving over the top rope to the floor, knocking Guerrero down but remaining on his own feet. Back in the ring, Guerrero employs some stiff kicks to stop a charging Cara on a couple of occasions, but Guerrero ends up a sitting duck on the outside floor again as Cara launches into a cross body. Dragged back into the ring once more, Guerrero gets caught in Cara’s “La Mistica”, though the announce team doesn’t have a name for it yet.
Winner via pinfall: Sin Cara
Backstage once again, Todd Grisham stands between Randy Orton and Christian. Captain Charisma is still preaching harmony and understanding between himself and Orton. The champ, for his part, also respects his opponent but is no less certain of his own victory.
Alberto Del Rio has something to say.
Speaking of which, Alberto Del Rio is in the ring to profess his continued faith in his destiny to be a world champion. Along the way, he takes a dig at Canadians illegally crossing the border into the United States — not usually a hot-button issue, but the many folks with Vancouver Canucks paraphernalia take offence. Kane & Big Show interrupt the aristocrat, and Del Rio vacates for the upcoming match.
The Nexus – Mason Ryan & CM Punk (challengers)vs. Kane & Big Show (champions) — for the WWE Tag Team Championship
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Punk elects to let Ryan start, and it looks like a good decision as The Nexus’ strongman shows his power against Kane. Punk figures it’s a good time to come in, but he is mercilessly (though legally) double-teamed by the champs. Along the way, Punk suffers the Big Show’s chop, probably making him wish he still had the carpet of hair on his chest. He manages to get Ryan back in, though, who proceeds to once again render Kane ineffective. Punk wants in once more, and has momentum until he stands upon the top turnbuckle, posturing like Randy Savage before missing an elbow drop. Kane makes the tag and Big Show runs riot, with the champs finishing the challengers off with a double chokeslam on Ryan. Wasn’t he listening to Punk’s advice?
Winners via pinfall and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions: Kane & Big Show
The promo for Capitol Punishment features a fake press conference with clips of President Obama inserted to answer questions about the upcoming PPV. It’s pretty funny, but not nearly on the level of Weird Al Yankovic’s doctored interview with Ozzy Osbourne.
Kelly Kelly (challenger) vs. Brie Bella (champion) (w/ Nikki Bella) — for the Divas Championship
Kelly starts off fast with a cross-body off the top rope, but is soon afterwards sent to the floor, laying prone for a charging Nikki to deliver a kick to the challenger’s stomach. Brie keeps Kelly down on her front for an extended arm bar. Kelly fights out and loses her temper, to the point that the referee pulls her back to give Brie some room. That gives the Bella Twins a chance to make a switch, and Nikki enters the ring to finish Kelly off with the Bella Buster.
Winner via pinfall and STILL Divas Champion: Brie Bella
Christian (challenger) vs. Randy Orton (champion) — For the World Heavyweight Championship
Christian shows his 100% status early, catching Orton with dropkicks both off the ropes, and then through them with Orton on the outside. Orton catches Christian trying a top-rope attack again, and flies back into a beautiful superplex, but Christian comes right back with a spinebuster as the match is turning into a battle of reversals. Christian goes for the top rope again, and this time is successful with a flying headbutt, but once again Orton reverses the momentum with a backbreaker followed by his version of The Garvin Stomp. Christian is twisted up in an inverted Boston Crab for a painful minute before reaching the ropes, then suffers the leveraged DDT for another in a long line of near falls. He then escapes the RKO and channels Edge as he lines Orton up for a Spear, which Orton reverses into a scoop slam. Christian is down and Orton is thinking punt, but he hesitates for just a moment. He charges again, but Christian hits the Spear for another two count. The challenger tries a Kill Switch instead, but Orton wiggles out for an RKO and a successful title defense.
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Randy Orton
Orton helps Christian to his feet, but receives a shove in exchange. Christian exits the ring, but then reconsiders and comes back in for a handshake and hug.
Bret Hart traps Michael Cole in the Sharpshooter for Jerry Lawler to get some foot action.
Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler — Kiss My Foot Match
After Lawler enters the ring, Cole limps down the ramp in his business clothes, claiming to be medically prohibited from competing due to his infected athlete’s foot. The referee checks the doctor’s note, then proceeds to rip it up and call for the bell. There is nothing pretty about the subsequent drubbing given by Lawler to Cole, which includes Cole being driven through, and finally destroying, the previously impenetrable Cole Mine. Lawler land a flying fist off the second rope for the decisive victory.
Winner via pinfall: Jerry Lawler
Lawler starts unzipping his boot, but he has an idea first: he calls down Eve who lands a moonsault on Cole for the verbal abuse she’s suffered at his hand. Lawler isn’t done yet, as he summons Jim Ross to douse Cole with his barbecue sauce. Cole slinks away from the ring and grabs a mic to say he’ll never kiss Lawler’s foot. Lawler has one more friend to make sure that it happens, though — Bret Hart. Cole is tangled up in the Sharpshooter while Lawler shoves his foot in his ace. Ironically, the barbecue sauce in Cole’s mouth probably softened the impact. Jim Ross joins Matthews and Booker T for the main event — and we’ll find out tomorrow where Cole goes from this point.
John Cena (challenger) vs. The Miz (champion) — for the WWE Championship
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: John Cena
Rating: 6/10 for a great story with a bad ending
Event Rating: 8/10