There is a reason why people are referring to the WWE as “World’s Worst Entertainment”. Actually, there are many, many reasons why. Having Raw managers Eric Bischoff and Steve Austin engage in another time-consuming, monotonous one-upmanship contest with the predictable result of Bischoff being shamed once again on pay-per-view…is one. Having Mae Young in a g-string is another. Asking fans to pay the regular WWE pay-per-view price for a show that barely clocks in at 2 and a half hours instead of almost three is another.
If Bad Blood, the first ever Raw-only pay-per-view, was an experiment on the WWE’s part, it was a costly one especially when the company announced this week that they are posting a 20 per cent loss this financial quarter. Nothing more really than a glorified and expensive Raw broadcast, Bad Blood was comprised of redundant match-ups, dull feuds and very little in the terms of payoffs for the fans.
To further illustrate that the brilliant brand extension remains a miserable flop (as if the WWE’s financial statement this week wasn’t enough on its own), the WWE had to chew up much of the pay-per-view with the ridiculously inane Redneck Triathlon between Bischoff and Austin that delivered the same tired punch line we’ve witnessed again and again. The juvenile skit featured get this…piped in belches to which Bischoff and Austin badly “lip-synched” to during a burping contest, Mae Young stripping in the middle of the ring and Bischoff being beaten up and hurled into a pen of pig manure. Yep. As stupid as it sounds, that’s what Bad Blood spent a large portion of its air time on. What ever happened to Austin not being allowed to lay a hand on Bischoff? Why should I bother asking. The WWE gave up on consistent plotting a long time ago.
When not being subjected to the WWE’s dismal attempts at comedy skits, viewers were presented with a multitude of brief, sub-par matches with unsatisfactory finishes. As predicted by most, the Shawn Michaels – Ric Flair bout was the absolute show-stealer with both legends proving they can still tell a captivating story. HBK’s high-flying, fast-paced offence dominated the first stage of the match until Flair snuck in a shot-block to Michaels’ knee. Flair methodically worked HBK over until he fell victim to his own trademarked Figure Four Leg Lock. No powering out or escaping to the ropes by Flair. A thumb to the eyes opened the escape hatch.
The spot of the match had Flair put through a table on the floor by a Shawn Michaels top rope flying body block. Randy Orton tried to prevent it but Sweet Chin Music stopped him cold. Minutes later, Michaels had Flair floored with Sweet Chin Music in the ring but once again Randy Orton interfered and punked HBK out with a steel chair. If that wasn’t enough to set-up his upcoming feud with Michaels, Orton draped a dazed Flair over dazed HBK for the pinfall.
The main event Hell In A Cell match pitting champion Triple H against Kevin Nash for the WWE World Heavyweight Title, was bloody but as not as brutal or shocking as past Cell bouts. The camera work this time around was pretty poor as well with many crucial spots being missed. Even with hardcore legend Mick Foley officiating, things didn’t get interesting until HHH opened up a tool box hidden under the ring then it became “plundermania” substituting for any kind of dangerous high-spots. Nash took a hammer and a screw driver to the noggin. When HHH brought a 2/4 wrapped in barbed wire into the ring, Nash took possession of it, propped it up in a corner and gave HHH a Snake Eyes onto it.
Symbolizing the redundancy that is part and parcel of WWE entertainment these days, Triple H went for…you guessed it…the sledgehammer. Foley took the hammer away and paid for it. A huge pop went up as Foley put on Mr. Socko and slapped his Mandible Claw on Triple H.Using the steel ringsteps as a battering ram, Nash took out Triple H and Foley by mistake. At this juncture, all three men were bleeding profusely. Performing the only sort of death-defying maneuver of the match, Foley dove off the ring apron and into the steel cage when Nash collided with him. Nash Jack Knife Powerbombed HHH for a two count. Continuing his Hulk Hogan-esque run with the WWE World Title and his Hulk Hogan-esque finishes, Triple H hit Nash in the head with the sledgehammer and landed the Pedigree for the three count.
The next WWE pay-per-view is the Smackdown!-only Vengeance pay-per-view on July 27th.
Bad Blood 2003 Results
Dudley Boyz versus Rodney Mack, Christopher Nowinski
- The WWE teases another Dudley Boyz boneheaded break-up with Teddy Long playing mindgames with D’Von asking him why he’s the one who always has to fetch the tables. The match is just a big nothing with some awful timing. Mack is the only one who stands out with his aggressive attitude and crisp ring work. If ever given the chance, he could be a top tier heel. Long stops Bubba from asking for the tables by engaging D’Von in a debate. D’Von responds by punching Long off the ring apron. Nowinski clobbers Bubba with the protective mask he’s wearing for the one…two…three. Whatever.
- Winners: Rodney Mack, Christopher Nowinski at 6 minutes and 31 seconds.
- Match Rating: 2 / 10.
- For those who didn’t watch Raw (Which begs the questions…Then why did you order the PPV?) the background of the Redneck Triathlon is explained. Bischoff and Austin engage in the aforementioned burping contest with fake burps being pumped in. Both men look incredibly foolish. Austin wins. Whoopie.
Test versus Scott Steiner
- Nothing like a violence against women storyline to show how much the WWE remains in the dark ages. Test tries for a good luck kiss before the match. Stacy acts disgusted. Test pulls Stacy off the apron. Steiner attempts to dive out after Test. He slips and falls. Test wrestles with Stacy over a steel chair. He uses it to shove her to the ground. Test misses with the chair, it bounces off the top rope and dings him in that fat head of his. Steiner puts him down for the victory.
- Winner: Scott Steiner at 6 minutes and 30 seconds.
- Match Rating: 2 / 10.
- Bischoff shows Austin the hos he has lined up for the “pie eating” contest. Bischoff and Austin argue over who should go first. Austin will concede to Bischoff if he gets to pick the woman. Bischoff agrees.
Christian (champion) versus Booker T (challenger) (WWE Intercontinental Title Match)
- An decent match ruined by an incomprehensible finish. A frustrated Christian leaves the ring with the belt. Making up the rules on his own, the official warns Christian to return or he will lose the match and the title. Christian does so, clocks Booker T in the head with the belt and is disqualified by the same official. Yeah, That makes sense. The WCW albatross still hangs firmly around Booker T’s neck. What is it with the WWE not giving the fans what they want? Great strategy when business is bad. Absolute genius.
- Winner: …via DQ…Booker T at 8 minutes and 2 seconds .
- Match Rating: 4 / 10.
- Nash is shown taping his fists in a locker room. And the point of that was?
- Time for the pie eating fiasco. Lawler is in the ring to supervise. Austin exercises his right to choose the woman. Out comes Mae Young. Bischoff refuses to go through with it. Young kisses Bischoff, kicks him in the family jewels, strips down to a g-string and proceeds to bronco-bust Bischoff. For his part, Austin Stunners Young and forfeits part two of the competition. I wish I was making this stuff up, folks. This is what the WWE considers to be humour.
Kane, RVD (champions) versus La Resistance (challengers) (WWE Tag Team Title Match)
- Kane and RVD come out separately. Short match without any heat at all….besides La Resistance being booed. RVD leaps over the top rope targeting La Resistance. He nails Kane instead. Kane just sits there and watches as La Resistance double Flap Jacks RVD to win tag team gold.
- Winners: …and new WWE Tag Team Champions…La Resistance at 5 minutes and 49 seconds.
- Match Rating: 2 / 10.
Goldberg Versus Chris Jericho
- Jericho carries Goldberg as the fans turn on him. There is are strong “Goldberg sucks!” and “Y2J!” chants. Goldberg has his way until he goes to Spear Jericho on the floor. Jericho moves and Goldberg crashes right through the security wall. He comes up favouring his shoulder and bleeding from his forehead. Goldberg sells the injury throughout the bout. He powers out of the Walls Of Jericho, Spears and Jackhammers Y2J. In a strange move, Goldberg chooses to argue with a Y2J supporter at ringside. As he does so, the cameras quickly cut away from Goldberg’s heelish actions. In his defence, Goldberg may be a “disappointment” to Linda McMahon but that’s only because the WWE has botched another push from the very start. They are par for the course in that regard.
- Winner: Goldberg at 10 minutes and 58 seconds .
- Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels
- Winner: Ric Flair at 14 minutes and 18 seconds.
- Match Rating: 7.5 / 10.
- In the final round of the Redneck Triathlon, Austin spins the wheel and a singing contest comes up. Bischoff is lousy belting out his theme song. Austin admits he is a crumby singer too. He spins the wheel again. It comes up “Pig Pen Fun”. The winner of the Redneck Triathlon will be the person who tosses his opponent into the pig pen. Austin stomps a mudhole in and Stunners Bischoff. He then proceeds to throw him off the ramp and into the pig pen. If I didn’t know better, I swear WWE hires former WCW and ECW talent just to make fools out of them.
Triple H (champion) versus Kevin Nash (challenger) (WWE World Heavyweight Title – Hell In A Cell Match)
- Winner: …and still WWE World Heavyweight Champion…Triple H at 21 minutes and 6 seconds .
- Match Rating: 5 / 10.
- Total Event Time: Two hours and 30 minutes.
- Overall Event Rating: 4 / 10.