Every wrestling fan remembers that cruddy Heroes Of Wrestling pay-per-view from a few years back. You know, the one where Jake “The Snake” Roberts went completely bonzo on and drove the final nail into whatever wrestling career he had left. If you thought that was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Last night’s WOW Unleashed pay-per-view broadcast live from the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles, California, now has the infamous distinction of being the worst wrestling pay-per-view to ever pollute the airwaves. It was so bad that if you didn’t know any better you’d think it was all a big put-on because nobody with any understanding or respect for the industry would produce such a chaotic, moronic and idiotic show. Unless of course your name is David McLane, the owner and president of WOW. A man who has no business selling popcorn at a wrestling event never mind putting on one.

The Unleashed broadcast was so wretched, so vile, I don’t even know where to begin. Absolutely everything, and I mean EVERYTHING about it was pure amateur hour. Strike that. Comparing WOW’s product to an indie show would be an insult to the amateur wrestling scene. I’ve seen indie events held in local bars here in Toronto that had superior production, booking and wrestling than anything you’ll find in WOW. No kidding, folks. It’s true. It’s damn true.

If I have to start anywhere, it would be the quality of wrestling in WOW. Wrestling? What wrestling? We are talking about a federation where the flying body splash and the slam are the moves of choice. WOW Unleashed had all the wrong moves. Many, many, wrong moves. It had more flubbed spots than a backyard wrestling match. In fact, I have seen backyard wrestling matches that were more innovative than this gutter trash. Note to David McLane, if you are going to start a wrestling promotion it would be in your best interest to hire people who have had more squared circle experience than Drew Carey. How’s that for a bright idea?

The two worst spots of Unleashed had to have been when Riot tried to powerbomb Danger through a table and Jungle Grrrl missed a splash off the top of a ladder. Riot couldn’t hold Danger up and almost dropped her on her neck. When she finally did complete the move, Danger slid across the table (which didn’t break) and hit the concrete floor. Jungle Grrrl goofed her primo spot too. She dove off the top of the ladder situated outside the ring and the only part of her body that made contact with Beckie The Farmer’s Daughter was her head which bounced off Beckie’s kneecap. Geeze. This slop WOW’s trying to pass off as wrestling sure ain’t Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. It ain’t even Viscera and Mark Henry. Is it any wonder that six of the 13 featured matches never went beyond the four minute mark? I’ve seen better bouts on various video game systems.

Aside from the shameful in-ring action there were a multitude of audio and video flubs. The live feed went completely black and the audio was lost during the promos so many times that WOW should refund fans for about half the pay-per-view. And, the camera work. My God. About the only thing the cameramen got right is they remembered to take their lens caps off before they went to air. Watching them trip and stumble over each other shooting the main event cage match was funnier than any promo Chris Jericho has ever cut. What a complete and utter farce.

Finally, we come to the angles. The portion of WOW’s product that David McLane evidently devotes the most time to. Truth be told, he’d be better off fronting an Osmond Family cover band. First off, let’s not kid ourselves, the main attraction of the pay-per-view was its swimsuit competition. Weeks before the broadcast, WOW plugged it to death knowing it might spike the buyrate because no one would dare order the pay-per-view for the wrestling alone. Throughout the show, we saw several of WOW’s stars strut their stuff in front of the cameras and were told that fans can vote on the WOW Web site. All very fine and good. Except WOW forgot one thing. They never announced who won the damn thing! Wasn’t that the point?

What else have we got? Oh yeah, we had a “splash match” that didn’t end when a splash was delivered, a bout declared a draw at two minutes and 52 seconds, a double disqualification announced in the Slam Dunk – Roxy Powers match when it was Slam Dunk who powerbombed the official and the list goes on and on. Is it any wonder that Unleashed contains the most chants of “bullsh-t” I have ever heard during a single wrestling event?

WOW did show me something that I have never seen before in my 24 years of watching professional wrestling though. An announcer naming the wrong winner over the house mike as WOW’s did when Bronco Billie defeated The Disciplinarian. That and the clearly spliced in footage of basketball great Shaquille O’Neal that didn’t even match the scene he was supposed to be in are moments I will cherish for all time.

The only people I felt sorry for during the show were announcers Bobby Heenan and Lee Marshall for having to say things like “This is the best show I’ve ever seen!” and “Wow! What a great match!” Heenan had some classic one-liners but otherwise the pro wrestling legend looked like he was bored out of his skull. I don’t blame him.

Fans familiar with the ultra-slick products delivered by the World Wrestling Federation and World Championship Wrestling aren’t going to put up with such lousy production values and the appallingly inadequate matches WOW tries to pass off as sport entertainment. Even ECW in its early days was never this bad. I honestly believe that a copy of WOW Unleashed should be required viewing for anyone training to be a professional wrestler or any would-be promoter out there as it is the best example ever of how not to wrestle match, how not to book a bout and how not to produce a pay-per-view telecast.

  • The next WOW pay-per-view (if there is one) is…get a load of this name… Spring Vengeance on April 8th.

    WOW Unleashed Results

    Jacklyn Hyde versus Randi Rah Rah

  • Winner: Randi Rah Rah at 2 minutes and 21 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.

    Farah the Persian Princess, Paradise versus The Beach Patrol

  • Winners: None. Match ruled a draw because of a double-pin at 2 minutes and 52 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.

    Jane Blond versus Tanja Warrior Princess

  • Winner: Tanja Warrior Princess at 2 minutes and 46 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 0 / 10.

    Hammerin’ Heather Steele versus Officer Niki Law

  • Law is part of a new Bossman rip-off tag team in WOW. Law and her partner beat Steele with a nightstick following the match.
  • Winner: Niki Law at 2 minutes and 2 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.

    Boom Boom the Volcano, Caliente’ versus Jade, Lotus

  • Jade’s grandma is at ringside. She can’t believe how much this pay-per-view sucks either. Boom Boom the Volcano? What kind of dumbass name is that?
  • Winners: Boom Boom the Volcano, Caliente’ at 4 minutes and 46 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 2 / 10.
  • Selina and Terri Gold meet. Gold tells Selina that she will watch her back.

    David McLane visits the offices of the Los Angeles Lakers and meets with the team’s owner. She shows him all those nifty trophies and the Lakers practice facilities. Even though there is no one on the court, footage of Shaq is spliced in of him making a shot. Bah. Ha. Ha.

    Disciplinarian versus Bronco Billie

  • Bronco Billie is shown on a pay phone earlier in the show. She finds out the family ranch has been sold. At the end of the bout, Disciplinarian informs Billie it is she who purchased the family home. Whoopie.
  • Winner: Bronco Billie at 3 minutes and 52 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.

    Slam Dunk versus Roxy Powers

  • Winner: None. Double disqualification at 3 minutes and 49 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.

    Riot versus Wendi Wheels (Hardcore Match)

  • Best match of the night and not a bad one at that. Lots of cookie sheet shots and garbage can shots. Some okay bumps too.
  • Winner: Riot at 6 minutes and 54 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 4 / 10.

    Jungle Grrrl versus Beckie The Farmer’s Daughter (Splash Match)

  • Some good action…at least for WOW anyways. The stipulation and Grrrl’s screwed up splash kinda kills it though. After the match, Jungle Grrrl cuts a promo giving away the ending of the World Heavyweight Title Match saying she can’t wait to challenge Terri Gold then quickly corrects herself to say she’ll take on whoever is the champion.
  • Winner: Jungle Grrrl at 9 minutes and 45 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 3 / 10.
  • Patti Pizzazz is attacked by Ice Cold, dumped in Lana Star’s limo and driven out of the arena.

    Harley’s Angels (challengers) versus Caged Heat (challengers) (WOW World Tag Team Championship Match)

  • A third member of Caged Heat shows up and they score the sneaky pin.
  • Winners: …and new WOW Tag Team Champions, Caged Heat at 5 minutes and 53 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 0 / 10.

    Terri Gold (challenger) versus Danger (champion) (WOW World Heavyweight Title Match)

  • Riot does a run-in at 3:07 and attacks Danger screwing up the powerbomb spot. Gold hits the Perfect Ten to win back the belt.
  • Winner: …and new WOW World Heavyweight Champion, Terri Gold at 4 minutes and 19 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.
  • Poison is seen leaving Lana Star’s dressing room. Hmmm. What could it all mean and who really cares?

    Lana Star versus Ice Cold, Poison (Haircut Match)

  • Lana comes out on crutches saying she tripped over a table in her dressing room and can’t compete tonight. How original. David McLane makes her wrestle. Poison knocks out Ice Cold with a crutch and Star gets the pinfall. Mucho footage of Ice Cold getting her hair cut. The process takes too long so they move the operation to the back.
  • Winner: Lana Star at 5 minutes and 16 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.

    Thug versus Selina Majors (Cage Match)

  • Terri Gold is the keeper of the cage door so that Harley’s Angels can’t interfere. Selina offers little offence as Thug bounces her off the cage for 90 per cent of the match. The official is tired of being beaten about by Thug so he climbs over the cage. Selina shakes it so he does a Mankind fall off the cage and through a table below. Footage of Ice Cold being shaved is shown. She comes out later threatening revenge on Mclane. For some bizarre reason, Gold won’t let a new official in. Thug waffles Majors (who has bladed) with a steel chair. Thug forces Gold to make the three count. Major punks out Gold and steals her WOW World Title belt.
  • Winner: Thug at 10 minutes and 50 seconds.
  • Match Rating: -5 / 10.
  • Total Event Time: 2 hours and 50 minutes.
  • Overall Event Rating: -5 / 10.