Well, it’s been a while since we’ve been able to catch everyone up on what’s been going on. Here you go with the final three episodes of the second season. We hate-watched them so you don’t have to. You’re welcome. Enjoy the full recaps below!
The episode starts off with Bryan and Brie at home, with Brie showing off some of the arts and crafts she’s done for the upcoming baby’s bedroom. Brie and Daniel start arguing about what the baby’s middle name should be, and whether it should reflect Brie’s Mexican-Italian heritage, or Bryan’s, which he says is “Viking”.
At Mattel headquarters, the Bellas get a sneak peek at their new action figure line. They love the figures, including Bella Barbie dolls. This gets Nikki second-guessing about whether or not she should retire after WrestleMania as planned. Please, God, don’t change your mind.
Bryan has the whole family over, where he gives them all a home-DNA kit, so they can figure out their ancestry. Not sure why Johnny Ace or JJ’s wife is there, since they have no actual blood ties to the baby, but whatever. Of course, Nikki can’t even stop talking for the full minute where they have to take their Q-tip swab of the inside of the cheek. Poor Cena.
JJ plugs his Instagram where he posts pictures and posts of his wife Lauren who is trying to be a fashion blogger. JJ thinks that he could also be a fashion blogger, and suggests if he did, he’d be more popular than Lauren.
At home, John Cena is redecorating the house, and he tries to explain the idea of feng-shui in his planned location for the chairs. Nikki says she’ll be home to enjoy them more after she retires. Funniest moment of any episode so far when John Cena, in response to Nikki commenting on how she’ll stop wrestling after Mania, says, in a relieved tone, “Finally,” expressing the thoughts of anyone who’s ever seen Nikki wrestle. Though his explanation is that she has too much going on in her life, and he doesn’t even know how she can continue at the pace she’s going with wrestling and all of her other interests.
JJ, Lauren, Kathy, and Johnny go out for dinner, and Lauren challenges JJ to a food photo contest. JJ brags that he’s at 15,000 Instagram followers. Kathy tells JJ that he’s not nearly as good as Lauren when it comes to Instagramming, which I can’t tell is an insult or not, because who thinks Instagramming is anything but a colossal waste of time? Kathy bets JJ $1,000 that he can’t triple his followers in two weeks, which he feels is a sucker’s bet.
The sisters and some of their sexy friends do a photo shoot at the pool, and the slo-mo bikini montage doesn’t suck. They all argue about the bet, but the sisters don’t think he can win, because he doesn’t have cleavage pictures to post. He says he’ll just do parodies of Nikki’s posts. And then proceeds to do her last picture, which unfortunately involves him pulling up his trunks into a thong, and now this sequence does suck.
It’s the night of the big DNA reveal. Brie is found to have no Mexican descent and very little Italian descent, despite what she’s thought all her life. Her background includes East Asian, a scattering of European backgrounds, and Jewish. Meanwhile, Bryan is found to be nearly 100% Viking. She then wonders if she should explore her Jewish background, which could be a meaningful spiritual journey, but this show will likely do in a slap-dash manner that will only highlight the standard Jewish stereotypes. And so it begins, the next day, with Brie trying to learn how to make challah bread.
Later, JJ decides to go wax his chest, because he thinks his Instagram followers will like it. It’s about as painful as watching a Nikki match. Bryan, who’s there to watch and document the event in photos, finds this hilarious, while JJ nearly faints from the pain. JJ says that he now respects his wife more, which suggests to me that she gets her chest waxed regularly, and that’s kind of scary.
Brie takes Bryan to a Native American museum, because that was also in her genetic stew. Daniel wants her to go visit a Viking museum as well, but she says that will follow once she’s done exploring all of her backgrounds.
At TV, the storyline between Cena and Nikki against Miz and Maryse continues. The fun she’s having in the buildup again makes Nikki rethink her retirement plans. To paraphrase Bryan, “No!”
Meanwhile, JJ is backstage, pimping his Instagram backstage to the other superstars, including a drunk (no surprise) Renee Young. He thinks this tactic will help his Instagram numbers.
At dinner, JJ trumpets how he’s now more than doubled the number of followers, but everyone criticizes him for not being true to his brand. What “brand”? The less-talented brother of his low-talented sisters? Lauren finds it insulting that JJ is selling himself out win the bet. As opposed to appearing on this show? JJ then says that Nikki doesn’t know what it’s like to have a family and a child. Nikki is obviously hurt by this, and asks to speak with him outside. There, she tells him that he needs to support his wife’s Instagram “career” instead of treating it like a joke. He goes back in and apologizes to Lauren for making fun of bloggers and he knows how hard she works at it and how important Instagram is. He forfeits the bet as a sign of respect, and as a penalty, he agrees to buy everyone dinner. Yeah, with his wife’s vast Instagram blogging fortune. Seriously, it’s like WWE bought shares in Instagram or something, how much they’re forcing it down our throats.
The next day, Brie throws a genetic buffet, which doesn’t sound as TV-MA as it might. Rather, she invites everyone over for a Viking-themed dinner. She even bought a little Viking hat for the baby. Or, if you take the horns off, a little Jewish yarmulke. Daniel agrees to drop the idea of a Viking middle name for their kid, and instead they’re going to go with Joe, in honour of Brie’s grandfather.
During another promo for the Mania match, Nikki has an in-ring physical altercation with Tyler Breeze, and afterwards, she feels some major neck pain. After, Cena escorts her to the trainer backstage for a check-up. He thinks she’s just strained her muscle, as opposed to anything related to her recently-healed broken neck, but he’ll get her x-rayed in the morning.
After she gets home, Nikki is still worried about whether she’s re-injured her neck, simply popped a screw from her surgery, or whether it’s just a muscle strain. She’s not optimistic, because she’s now feeling numbness and tingling and significant pain, and fears that her Mania match may be in jeopardy as a result.
JJ and Kathy are at Brie’s for lunch, and they’re all worried about Nikki. They’re also speculating about whether John will propose after the wedding, as that’s the buzz in the entertainment media. There’s even a prop bet going on about it. Meanwhile, Lola the dog is running wild, jumping on the table and attacking everyone.
Nikki gets her x-rays done, but will have to wait to find out the results.
Lauren arrives at Brie, and Lola is still going crazy. They all agree that Lola needs to be trained before the baby comes.
Nikki gets there and tells them that the preliminary diagnosis is that she’s herniated the disk above the disk where she had her surgery. The doctor told her that she can’t wrestle, which I’ve been saying for years. He meant only for the next few days, so the door is still open for her to wrestle at Mania a couple of weeks later. Though he also told her that she needs to start thinking about her health, since now she’s got two levels of neck injuries. The x-rays have been sent to a neck specialist who’ll tell her more later on. Bryan, who knows what an injury-forced retirement feels like, is particularly sympathetic. Though, in his case, he actually could wrestle.
At lunch, JJ asks Lauren to renew their wedding vows, in honour of how much their relationship has improved recently, after they worked so hard to get back to a good place after their separation. He says he’s going to plan the whole thing. The best development about this whole thing is that Lauren is back to her low-cut shirts during the “talking head” segments, while she was all nunned-up last time.
Brie and Nikki are driving around, and Nikki seems to be in denial about the chance that she may not be able to wrestle at Mania.
Brie and Bryan go in for her final ultrasound appointment. Bryan wants to make sure the baby won’t come while he’s away at Mania. Brie wants to have a natural birth at home, but her doctor only does hospital deliveries, so they’re looking at alternatives. The results look good, and there doesn’t seem to be a risk of an early arrival.
At dinner, Kathy reads them articles about dogs attacking babies. Daniel agrees that their dogs need to be trained. Everyone’s concerned that Nikki may be thinking more with her heart than her head about the Mania match. Johnny makes the most sense, saying that the doctor should make the determination and Nikki will need to abide by it.
At home, Nikki is picking out dresses for the Mania red carpet events. It’s the Wednesday before Mania, and she’s not even considering that she won’t be in the ring on Sunday. Later, JJ accompanies her to the doctor’s office. On the way, Lauren and Brie call, and they all question whether JJ has actually done anything with respect to planning their renewal ceremony.
The doctor tells Nikki that if she continues to wrestle, she will likely have to undergo another surgery. He tells her that she should consider retiring. But, after she runs down for him what she’s planning on doing during the match, move-by-move, he declares it safe enough for her to do the match. He also declares kayfabe to be officially dead.
Kathy and Johnny visit Brie and Bryan with gifts in tow. But not gifts for the kid, but rather gifts that will calm down the dogs, including a calming vest and some drugs that will distract the dogs from their appetite for baby meat.
At brunch, everyone grills JJ about what he’s done to plan the wedding vow renewal, but he doesn’t say anything. They see that as a sign that he’s done diddly-squat, which he gets angry about.
Nikki’s chest and John Cena join the rest of the family for a formal dinner. During this, Brie says they’re going to have a home-birth. The rest of the family freaks out, asking her what would happen in the event of an emergency. So she then recants her statement, and says that she’s going to rethink the decision.
Nikki and Bryan are driving around, and they talk about the possibility of John Cena proposing after the Mania match. Stupidly, they don’t decide to convince Cena to not do it and cash in by betting a bundle against it – given the odds, they could have cleaned up.
The doula (an uncertified widwife) comes over to plan the logistics of the birth. It’s now decided that she will birth-coach Brie at home right until go-time, and then they’ll go to the hospital where Brie can have a natural birth with the Doula on-site for support. Best of both worlds, they figure, since it will be a combination of Brie’s hippie nonsense and still be safe in the event of an emergency.
It’s the night of their renewal vows, and JJ is late in picking everyone up to go to the mystery event. Things get off to a rocky start when he arrives in jeans, while they’re all dressed to the nines, including Lauren in a formal dress – and he loads them all into a party bus. The bus pulls into the parking lot of a brewery-restaurant. He leaves the bus to go check on things, and when he’s gone, they all criticize him, saying how they knew he would fail on delivering anything special and so on. Turns out it was all a ruse, as he comes back into the bus, dressed up in a fancy suit and with bottles of champagne, and tells the bus to take them to their real destination. You got swerved!
The bus arrives at an outdoor park where there’s a fancy setup complete with a formal dining table and a band of violinists, and everyone gushes over the romantic gesture. One other surprise is that Bryan is going to officiate the ceremony – turns out he got his officiant’s certification at JJ’s request specifically to do this ceremony. The ceremony goes great, and is as romantic as can be.
At home, and particularly after JJ’s big night, Nikki is feeling the pressure. Not only of performing at Mania, but also because it’s her last match. And maybe her last time being in a ring without a ring of her own.
It’s five days before WrestleMania, and NIkki is crazy excited. They show a montage of her doing the media rounds, and much of the buzz around her match centres around whether or not Cena will propose.
At home, Bryan is torn about going, as he’s worried that he’ll miss the birth if Brie goes into labour while he’s away. He promises Brie that no matter what, he’ll be by her side when the time comes.
Backstage, and all all the Mania events, like Fan Axxess, and Nikki’s on a whirlwind of appearances. Caught up in the excitement, Nikki decides that she doesn’t want to do a retirement speech at the show or on Smackdown because she’s sure she’ll come back at some point.
Jump to two days to showtime for the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. Backstage and on the red carpet, they talk about how excited they are to be able to team up for a match on that stage.
After that, it’s Sunday, and Bryan calls Brie to check in. Fortunately, she’s conraction-free and it doesn’t look like he’s going to have to miss the show to fly back home to greet the baby.
Backstage, Nikki tells Nattie and some others that she doesn’t think Cena will propose, and can’t even imagine that happening. Brie calls to check in and they celebrate Nikki’s journey, particularly considering that a year before, she was in her neck brace recovering from injury, and now she’s in one of the big marquee matches.
Kathy and JJ are in the family box in the arena and they are feeling the pressure for Nikki. Not to mention the fact that if both the Bellas retire, they’re probably going to have to start paying for tickets after this.
Brie has a Mania watching party at home with Lauren and Gramma Bella. Brie’s happy for her sister, but worried that Nikki may get caught up in the day and risk doing too much, putting her neck at risk, despite the doctor’s orders to only do limited moves. Though, really, that’s her specialty.
Backtage, Johnny Ace and WWE suit Mark Carrano give NIkki encouraging pep talks before the show. Finally, it’s time. On the way to the ring, during the longest entrance ramp ever, she has the time to decide to go all out, and despite the doctor’s orders, is going to do whatever it takes to put on a good show.
Cena’s mother is ringside, and that’s special, since it’s the first time she’s ever seen him wrestle. Oddly, she’s chanting “Cena sucks”. The match is fun, and ends with Cena and Nikki winning with simultaneous pinfalls. After the match, everyone knows what’s going to happen as soon as Cena grabs the mic. He gives her the WrestleMania moment that she wants. Apparently, Gramma Nikki doesn’t read SLAM! Wrestling, because we all predicted that was going to happen and it seems like a complete surprise to her. Nikki accepted the proposal, for those of you who don’t watch wrestling and only know of the Bellas because of this show (and there are apparently some of you, based on the hate mail I get for these reviews).
Backstage, everyone’s thrilled for the happy couple. Cena admits that he’d been thinking about proposing for a year and a half, but knew that this would be the absolute right time. They show a montage of all the times Cena said he wouldn’t ever get married again, and the slow build up to that point. Backstage, the family is thrilled.
Elsewhere, Cena describes the ring, which is four and a half carats, one for each year they’ve been together, and in a formation of two rows of stones with one in the middle, representing the joining of their family lines.
Meanwhile, Gramma Bella speculates about how disappointed all of his ring rats are going to be, or that’s what it sounded like she said.
Bryan is back home to await the arrival of the baby. By now, she’s more than a week overdue, so they decided to induce the pregnancy, lest there be any complications. The doula meets them at the hospital and she runs Brie through the birthing exercise. They give her the inducing drugs, but the baby is in a holding pattern. Several hours later, and they dump Brie into a bathtub, presumably to chase the baby out, like you do when you put a hose down a gopher hole.
Finally, it’s time, and the baby comes down that aisle for the first time. Nikki’s there and the way the camerawork goes, it looks like she’s taking a selfie with Brie during a push, which seems really self-absorbed, even for this show. The process is going on longer than an opening RAW promo, and now everybody’s worried, including the doctor. The doctor orders a C-section birth to move things along, and when that’s done, welcome to Birdie.
They show a montage of the baby getting all checked out and medically examined, and all looks good. Afterwards, Brie and Bryan enjoy being with their child, happy and emotionally-drained.
And with that, the season comes to a close. Thanks, everyone, for joining on the ride with these recaps. Hope you’ll join us as we move right along into the trainwreck that will be the next season of Total Divas. God help us all.
Bob Kapur doesn’t have any kids that he knows about. E-mail him the paternity lawsuit at [email protected].