It’s strange that WWE would air a new episode of Total Divas on the Sunday of a pay-per-view, like they did last weekend. But that’s what they did, and as a result, this report is late. So let’s dispense with the introduction, and head straight to the full recap.

This could be the best episode of the show ever – scratch that, of any show ever, as they start off with the Bellas groping Eva Marie’s boobs, which she had repaired on last week’s show. When they break out HLA within the first 15 seconds of the show, it’s got to be sweeps week. Oh, and everyone thinks Nikki Bella is hypersexed and slutty.

Later, over lunch, Brie tells the Divas about the break-in at her and Daniel Bryan’s house where he went all vigilante on them. Ever the optimist, Nattie scares Brie by suggesting the burglars may come back for revenge at some point.

In L.A., Eva Marie and Jonathan are driving when she gets a call from a Communications suit at WWE, telling her that Muscle & Fitness wants her to do another cover shoot. She’s worried because she hasn’t worked out since her surgery so she doesn’t think she’s in tip-top shape. Wasn’t this a “very special episode” of Blossom once?

Paige and Rosa are out clothes shopping and they keep talking about how pretty the other one is – perhaps some more HLA to come?

Meanwhile, Eva Marie hits the gym, but works out way too hard in order to get into magazine cover shape. Ariane is worried that Eva is freaking out over her weight / appearance for no reason.

Nattie’s paranoia is apparently contagious; her comments about the burglars scared Brie enough that she and Bryan bought a fancy new home alarm system, complete with bullet-proof glass. Brie still doesn’t feel safe, so she thinks about buying a gun. Another TV sitcom trope. If one of their dads loses his job and she becomes too embarrassed to go to prom because she’ll have to wear a homemade dress, that’s a bingo.

Later, Paige and Rosa are hanging out at Alica Fox’s house with Alicia and her sister, and they start comparing notes on being with another woman. Paige leaves, and Rosa confides in Alicia and her sister that she wants to be more than friends with Paige. Get in line, girl. Alicia warns her about dating a friend and suggests she cools her jets.

Backstage, Eva Marie doesn’t even want to eat a banana, making Ariane even more concerned. They show clips of the various times Eva has demonstrated she’s got body image issues – lots of her saying how she needs to diet and what not. The ever-hilarious Titus O’Neil is hanging out in the parking lot, and in a funny sequence, he rates himself a 10, Eva a 10, and Ariane an 8.5, saying she loses points for her attitude. As she complains, he drops the rating further and further. He needs his own show.

Nattie, Ariane, and the Bellas go for a workout with Mike, who’s Vince McMahon’s personal trainer. Brie brings up her break-in fears and meddlesome Mike fans the flames, suggesting she puts up a barbed wire fence and gets security dogs. Maybe he was the one who came up with the Kennel from Hell match… if so, then you suck, Mike.

Alicia, Rosa, and Paige – they’ve dubbed themselves as “the Three Amigas”, and talk turns again to Rosa’s preference for girls. She gets all handsy with Paige during dinner, and then afterwards, as they’re saying goodbye, kisses Paige. Unfortunately, Paige doesn’t look like she’s feeling it – sorry, HLA fans (myself included). She lets Rosa know that she’s misread the situation, and is only interested in being friends with her. Awkward.

The next day, Brie and Bryan are driving home, and she tells Bryan about what Mike said. Of course, being a ditz, she doesn’t know the word and calls it “Bob wire”. Though, maybe that’s right, as she wouldn’t be the first Diva who has had to put up security barriers to keep me away. Bryan mocks her ideas for a prison-like compound around their house.

The next day, the Divas are at the NXT Performance Centre, and noticeable by her absence is Rosa. Paige tells Alicia about what happened between her and Rosa the night before. Alicia suggests that Paige may be inadvertently sending out mixed signals. Paige just hopes that they can all remain friends.

Ariane and Eva are out clothes shopping, and Eva nearly passes out from weakness due to not eating.

Bryan goes home and sees that Brie has hired a company to put up a razor wire fence on their lawn. She puts up some “Beware of Dog” signs, which is funny, given that their dog Josie is about the size of a small rabbit and doesn’t look like it even knows how to bite – clearly she got her brains from the Bella side of the family. Bryan isn’t happy with his house looking like a prison.

Paige and Alicia are driving back from their workout and talking about Rosa still. Paige tries to call her, but gets no answer; then Alicia tries, and Rosa picks up right away and tells her to come on by the restaurant where she’s hanging out. Looks like it’s adios, Amigas. Figuring that she can’t be ignored in person, Paige goes with Alicia. She sees Rosa hanging out with some people who are drinking and questions Rosa (a recovering alcoholic), who gets up and leaves. She tells Paige, who followed her out, that she wasn’t drinking, but wants to get away from Paige because she’s embarrassed about what happened between them. They argue about which of them turned the friendship weird, and Alicia tries to play peacemaker but fails.

Ariane and Jonathan are driving Eva Marie around to give her “a surprise”. They show in flashbacks that Ariane went to Jonathan to talk to him about Eva’s apparent body image problems and what they can do to help her. Eva is irritated by the fact that the two of them have conspired something behind her back.

At home, Bryan and Brie are sniping at each other about the fence. She says if the fence goes, she goes. He suggests that, as an alternative, they start a formal Neighbourhood Watch program, and she agrees. Stupid crisis averted.

The “surprise” for Eva Marie is to take her to an artist who will draw her based only on her oral description of herself and again based on an oral description of her by another person. The pictures are significantly different from one another, and when Eva sees them, she sees how other people see her as opposed to how she sees herself. Say that six times fast. She gets all emotional, realizing that she has negative body image issues and that she’s actually pretty.

The next day, Alica and Paige are hanging out with Nattie, but Rosa flatly rejects joining them, expressing open hostility towards Paige. Paige tells Nattie what happened between them. Nattie and Alicia both tell Paige that perhaps she’s sending out signals due to her flirty nature, and that maybe she should tone down her sex appeal. Sure, blame the victim. Nattie speculates that perhaps Rosa’s recovery is making her more emotional about things in general, so that’s why she’s so hurt.

Backstage after a show, Paige apologizes to Rosa for sending out mixed signals, and Rosa apologizes for being overly sensitive. They hug it out. And, bringing the episode full circle, Paige gropes Rosa’s boobs… but in a friend way.

Well, not completely full circle, since we still have a final scene of Eva at her photo shoot. She looks great.

Bob Kapur’s body is a temple… of doom. E-mail him your diet tips at