Tonight’s episode of WWE’s reality show Total Divas was like the childhood song “This Little Piggy”. Eva Marie is off the market, Nikki and Brie compared homes. Ariane wanted to show a lot of her roast beef, Trinity wanted to show none. JoJo and Nattie cried we, we, we have so few scenes, may as well send us home. Here’s the full rundown.

Eva Marie

Watching Fandango wrestle at Raw, rookie Diva Eva Marie saw an opportunity to shortcut her way onto the main roster. She figured that if she were to become one of Fandango’s entrance dancers, she could get a permanent spot on the roster, as opposed to toiling so long in developmental.

At catering, she mentioned to Nattie that she wanted to be a dancer, and speak of the devil, up to their table walked up the man himself. He flirted with Eva Marie for a bit, and told her that she looked good.

She then floated the idea to Jane and Mark, the Talent Relations executives, talked up her extensive ballroom dancing training. Based on that, they agreed to give her an audition if Fandango agreed to it. After some more flirtation, he did.

But then she privately revealed the truth to JoJo – that contrary to what she told Talent Relations, she actually didn’t know how to ballroom dance. Dunh, dunh, dunh.

Later, Eva Marie’s boyfriend Jonathan, who nobody – not even JoJo, her bestie – knew about, came to visit her. They’d been together for only a couple of months, so it was a major surprise for her when he proposed. JoJo was shocked by this development as well. It appeared as if not divulging your personal life is somehow not acceptable in WWE.

The next day, Eva Marie told JoJo that she hadn’t told her fiancé about the audition, and wasn’t going to wear her new engagement ring to it. Jojo was taken aback by this development – she felt it was wrong for Eva Marie to not fully disclose her plans to Jonathan.

Eva Marie had lunch with Fandango, and continued her lies about her ballroom dancing skills. The two flirted over dinner, and Eva Marie took this chemistry as a good sign. He asked her to join him that night at a club where he continued to put the moves on her, getting her concerned that he may be getting the wrong idea – i.e. that she was actually interested in him, as opposed to her just wanting to use him for a job.

On the night of her audition before Raw, Eva Marie was worried that shewas finally going to get exposed as a dancing fraud. Nattie and the Funkadactyls gave her some moral support, but when she asked them for tips on basic dance moves like the splits, they were baffled, since she had told them she was an expert.

During her audition ,her ruse was exposed. Everyone saw through her fakery, and she was totally busted. Fandango walked away angrily, and the Talent Relations executives were notably angry – Jane walked out in a huff, and Mark called Eva Marie out, telling her that her lying was unacceptable.

Backstage, Stephanie McMahon chewed out Eva Marie some more. Stephanie told her that if they had put her out there in front of a live crowd, it would have been embarrassing both for her and for the company. Eva Marie apologized, and Stephanie warned her that if she did anything like that again, she’d be gone – and won’t come back.

The Bella Twins

This week, the Bellas and their respective boyfriends, John Cena and Daniel Bryan, went on a “life swap” trip – by visiting both of their mens’ houses.

Cena’s place in Miami was, not surprisingly, a huge mansion. Nikki was used to having the finer things in life being with Cena, and she was excited to show off all of Cena’s toys. Bryan and Brie were awed by Cena’s mega-rich lifestyle – it was noted that Cena’s guesthouse is bigger than Bryan’s entire house.

During a joyride in Cena’s Masarati, Brie confessed to Nikki that while she likes the simple things in life, she could get used to having the good life that Nikki enjoys. That includes a giant indoor pool that looks like an island resort site – complete with a water slide and a mini-cliff for diving off of.

That was a sharp contrast to Bryan’s house in Aberdeen, Washington. The house is the one Bryan grew up in, complete with unchanged décor, no TV and apparently no furnace, since they kept talking about the need to chop firewood. Again, Nikki asked Brie if she’d be happy in such modest digs.

Speaking of which, the girls challenged the guys to a wood-chopping contest. This was an excuse to show the Bellas in halter tops, and to make comments about genitalia. In about a 3-minute span, they made a few “having wood” jokes, one of the Bellas mentioned her vagina, and there was an unfortunate zoom shot on Cena’s crotch. The girls won the challenge.

The next morning, the Bellas went out to explore the town. In a manure-filled field, Brie broke down and confessed to her sister that she was having doubts about living in that city and in that house. She said she would be giving up too much to live there, and couldn’t see herself giving up the privileged life to do so. Nikki told her to come clean to Bryan about this.

The Funkadactyls

This week, Trinity and Ariane were having costume concerns – Ariane didn’t like their outfits, and wanted to shake things up. She decided to go behind the back of WWE seamstress Sandra, and ordered some new outfits from an outside company.

Ariane went to the store where the guy had made their new outfits. She liked the skimpiness of them and called Trinity with the news.

Backstage, Trinity had major wardrobe malfunction with the new costume. It was way too skimpy, so much so that it showed – well, let’s just say that if it was a cold day, she would need a second tube of ChapStick.

Because Ariane wouldn’t apologize to Sandra for the slight of going to someone else, she refused to fix the costume. So the Funkadactyls ended up wearing old outfits that were far less revealing – much to the delight of Trinity, and the chagrin of Ariane.

After last week’s debut, this episode was a bit of a step down. The best moments this week were Eva Marie’s audition and the fallout from that – that stuff was pretty fun. But the Funkadactyls need to have a story that isn’t related to wardrobe problems, which they’ve done for both episodes so far. And the Bellas come across as mostly unlikable regardless of what situation they’re in.

Bob Kapur has never worn booty shorts. Disappointed? Let him know at