It was a massacre all right.

Vince McMahon, owner and biggest baddie in the World Wrestling Federation dares to challenge “Stone Cold” Steve Austin to a steel cage match? What the heck was this guy thinking? Impersonating a punching bag at INYH: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre held in The Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee, McMahon was throttled within an inch of his life. His master plan involving Paul Wight (formerly The Giant in WCW) also backfired landing him squarely in the Heartbreak Hotel. It was the set-up for a three-way match between The Rock, Mankind and Austin or two separate matches to decide the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight title at WrestleMania.

The WWF Hardcore Title match (Al Snow versus Bob Holly) starting the festivities off with a bang, the pay-per-view bumbled along until the double main events of Mankind – Maivia and Austin McMahon commenced. Although the draw finish of the Mankind and Rock bout severely ticked off the fans in attendance, they marked out heavily for the cage match. And who can blame them? Say what you want about “McMahon the business man”. Tonight, he stole two chapters out of Mick Foley’s Guide To Making It Big In Pro-Wrestling showing how just far he would personally go to entertain WWF fans. They weren’t disappointed.

As they have for over a year, mindgames played a crucial role in the beginning of the match. McMahon balked at entering the cage, walking away twice while Austin waited inside. Fed-up with McMahon’s stalling tactics, Stone Cold chased the WWF President around the outside. McMahon won the race back to the cage door standing there kicking at Austin preventing him from entering so the bell could be rung.

Stone Cold took another approach climbing the cage. McMahon kicked at him sending Austin to the floor. Stone Cold got to his feet limping and holding his ankle. Vinnie Mac exited the cage preparing to do more damage to the ankle. Austin was playing possum. He clotheslined McMahon to the floor, smacking his head against the announcer’s table. McMahon was whacked with a headset and rammed into the cage. Austin wrapped a camera cable around McMahon’s throat strangling him then up-ended him over the security fence into the first row.

Austin vaulted the fence. He stomped McMahon, dumped a bottle of water over his head then flung him into the steel ring steps. A poke to the eyes blinded Stone Cold. McMahon ungracefully shoved him into the cage. Austin stood up no worse for wear as McMahon taunted him from the crowd. Not a good idea. The WWF rattlesnake pummeled him up the arena stairs.

On the run, McMahon tried several times to climb into the cage from outside. Austin yanked him down. Upon stomping McMahon in the crotch, Stone Cold took a seat at ringside watching the man who has made his professional life a living hell writhe in agony. Austin and McMahon scaled the cage side by side. His head bounced off the steel bars like a tennis ball, McMahon pulled a Mick Foley falling from the top of the cage landing on the announcer’s table below. The table shattered. McMahon didn’t move a muscle.

Shane McMahon and medical personnel arrived on the scene. Austin smiled. The medical staff placed a neck brace carefully around McMahon’s neck. They loaded the WWF prez onto a stretcher. Ring announcer Howard Finkle was about to declare Stone Cold the winner. Austin ripped the microphone out of his hands saying the whole situation was bulls–t since the match never officially started.

“He’s not going to lose that easy,” said Austin pulling the medical staff out of the way. As was the calling card of Sid Justice (Sycho Sid, Sid Vicious), Austin pushed the stretcher down the aisle and into the cage. The stretcher popped up to a standing position flinging McMahon forward into the cold, hard steel. Austin picked up the stretcher’s back board and beat McMahon. Austin threw McMahon into the ring. The bell sounded signaling the start of the match.

McMahon shook as Austin hit two flying elbow smashes. Austin called for the door. Just as Stone Cold was about to touch the floor ending the match, McMahon sat up giving him the one-finger salute. An angry WWF rattlesnake returned inside teasing a loss. He stomped McMahon mercilessly. When he turned his back, McMahon hit Austin with a low blow and tossed him into the cage.

McMahon climbed for dear life but Austin caught him. McMahon’s head cracked against the unforgiving metal bars. While McMahon lay blading on the mat, Austin distracted the crowd by saluting them from a distant corner. Brought to his feet, blood poured from a wound in McMahon’s forehead. Austin sent him to the cage again before attempting to climb out. A bloody McMahon got to his knees flipping Austin a double “bird”. Fit to be tied, Stone Cold climbed back in Stunning McMahon.

As Austin yelled a blue streak in McMahon’s face, the mat ripped open. Paul Wight emerged from underneath the ring grabbing Austin by the throat. Wight flung Austin forcibly into the cage three times. On the third strike, an entire side of the cage came loose swinging. Austin held on dropping to the floor and winning the match.

The next WWF pay-per-view is WrestleMania 15 on March 28th..

 

WWF St. Valentine’s Day Massacre Results

Goldust Vs BlueDust

: A total squash. Blue Meanie misses the Meanie-Sault, Goldust nails the Curtain Call.

Winner: Goldust at 3 minutes and 4 seconds.

Match Rating: 1 / 10.

Bob Holly (challenger) Vs Al Snow (challenger) (WWF Hardcore Title Match)

: It is announced that Road Dogg was attacked in the locker room at Raw Is War last night and has been stripped of the Hardcore title. Last night? As SLAM! Wrestling fans know, Raw Is War was taped on Monday and shown live in Canada. Who are they trying kid? Well, duh.
: Holly and Snow’s match is determine a new champ.
: Snow and Holly brawl outside the ring, in the arena, in the parking lot and along the banks of the Mississippi. Cool.
: Snow cracks a pay phone against Holly’s head and says…”Here. Reach out and touch somebody”.
: Holly and Snow break fallen tree branches over each other. A piece breaks off hitting the camera man. Lawler says…”Our camera men are hardcore too!”. Heh. Heh.
: Holly wraps Snow in a chain link fence for the pin.

Winner: …and new WWF Hardcore Champion…Bob Holly at 9 minutes and 58 seconds.

Match Rating: 10 / 10.

Median Vs The Big Boss Man

: Boss Man sidewalk slams Median and gets the fall. The Ministry Of Darkness punks Boss Man. Viscera splashes him three times. The Undertaker watches from the entrance way. The Flock…I mean…The Ministry hoists Boss Man onto their shoulders carrying him out of the arena for parts unknown.
: Welcome to the Ministry, Boss Man.

Winner: The Big Boss Man at 6 minutes and 19 seconds.

Match Rating: 2 / 10.

D’Lo Brown and Mark Henry (challengers) Vs Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett (champions) (WWF World Tag Team Title Match)

: Lawler says…”Owen’s not wrestling with shadows.” Ha. Ha. Funny. Funny.
: Debra Michael distracts D’ Lo. Ivory pulls her off the ring apron. D’Lo gets involved in the shoving match. Owen breaks a guitar over Mark “The Incredible Bulk” Henry’s heavily braced knee. Jarrett slaps on the Figure Four. Henry submits. Ivory and Debra cat fight. Debra loses her jacket but Hart and Jarrett cover her up. The crowd doesn’t get to see any skin and they boo.

Winner: …and still WWF World Tag Team Champions…Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett at 9 minutes and 33 seconds.

Match Rating: 3 / 10.

Ken Shamrock (champion) Vs Val Venis (challenger) (Intercontinental Title Match)

: Venis is accompanied by Shamrock’s sister, Ryan. She stands at ringside like a deer staring at on-coming headlights throughout the whole bout.
: Gunn purposely slaps slow counts and acts as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing as a guest referee.
: Shamrock says the f-word twice on camera. Naughty. Naughty.
: Shamrock has the Ankle-Lock Submission on. Ryan pulls Venis to the ropes breaking the hold. Shamrock confront his sister saying “Blood is thicker than water”. Ryan slaps Ken. Ken pushes Gunn. Gunn heaves Ken into the ring. Venis pins Shamrock. Gunn delivers a super-sonic three count. After the match, Gunn attacks Venis.

Winners: …and new WWF Intercontinental Champion…Val Venis at 15 minutes and 53 seconds.

Match Rating: 6 / 10.

Triple H and X-Pac Vs Chyna and Kane

: Something about a woman getting bashed about in the ring by a male wrestler is just plain sickening even if that woman is Chyna.
: Nevertheless, the crowd is into this one. Chyna wrestles well and knows more moves than Mark Henry. X-Pac and Triple H do hit Chyna.
: Shane McMahon provides over the top and really bad colour commentary calling X-Pac, X-Punk. Take it easy on the coffee Shane.
: On the outside, X-Pac punches Shane. Shane blows a gasket.
: X-Pac Bronco-Busts Chyna. Shane clotheslines him from behind. X-Pac chases Shane to the dressing room.
: Triple H is about to Pedigree Chyna. Kane chokeslams Triple H sliding Chyna on top for the win. Job to your girlfriend. Hell, why not?

Winner: Chyna and Kane at 14 minutes and 46 seconds.

Match Rating: 5 / 10.

The Rock (challenger) Vs Mankind (champion) (WWF World Heavyweight Title Match)

: Mirrors their I Quit match from the Royal Rumble.
: Mankind DDT’s The Rock through the technician’s table.
: The Rock backdrops Mankind onto the announcer’s table. Mankind’s head clips the edge hard.
: As Mankind lays outside, Rock picks up steel rings stairs from inside the ring and drops them on him. Double-ouch!
: The Rock does a REAL bad Elvis impressions singing Smack Down Hotel.
: Both wrestlers bonk each other with steel chairs. The ref counts them both out. Mankind and Rock are taken away from the arena by ambulance.

Winner: A draw. And still WWF World Heavyweight Champion…Mankind at 22 minutes even .

Match Rating: 8 / 10.

Steve Austin Vs Vince McMahon (Steel Cage Match)

Winner: Steve Austin at 8 minutes and 8 seconds of official match time .

Match Rating: 10 / 10.

Total Event Time: 2 hours and 50 minutes.

Overall Event Rating: 6 / 10.