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WWE Survivor Series 2023: WarGames gives fortune and fame in Chicago

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

It’s time for the tradition of fighting with friends and family as opposed to fighting in the squared circle as WWE heads to Illinois for their tentpole Survivor Series pay-per-view, as the WarGames will play heavily for the men and the women. 

Oh, and since we are in Chicago, expect a lot of chants for a certain chick magnet who’s something of a punk.

There is a kickoff show on predictions for the show, but read here to see how close the predictions were without…y’know…listening to Booker T’s “Shucky Ducky” yammering.

So as we head to the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Il. Michael Cole and Corey Graves and that other guy have the call, So crank up that Black Sabbath, as Michael Cole goes over the rules of WarGames:

Therefore the war machine keeps on turning as the First Match of the night is the…

WWE Women’s WarGames match: Bianca Belair, Charlotte Flair, Shotzi, and Becky Lynch vs. Damage CTRL (Bayley, Asuka, Iyo Sky, and Kairi Sane)

Damage CTRL comes out in unison with Auska Noh masks, as opposed to Belair’s crew coming to separate entrances.  Lynch starts for her team, as does Bayley and the former Horsewomen go move for counter move, but The Man is getting the upper hand.  Lynch gets an exploder but Bayley tosses her to the cage and then suplexes on the steel slat between the rings.  She goes for the  Dis-arm-her, but Dakota Kai is on the outside of the ring and pokes a kendo stick at her to break the hold.  Then Bayley swings away and as the clock winds down Shotzi runs to the ring, slams the door on Bayley, and starts bringing the hardware with chairs, trash cans, and anything else not bolted down.  She gets tons of offense on Bayley, who tries to escape, and gets dragged back to the ring when she tries to escape.

Next up is Sky and she runs in with a chain and The Genius of the Sky turns the tide and delivers…err, Damage Control to her team.  At one point Sky and Bayley give a double superplex to Lynch and then they set Shotzi up top, but as the clock winds down again Belair gets in and whips everyone with her double braids.  She climbs the top turnbuckle as Sky and Belair yank on her braids and she lands on her feet and gives a double DDT to both women.  The clock counts down again and Sane is last for her team. She takes her time as she gets a gigantic trash can lid before entering the ring, and then goes all US Agent on everyone (What?  You didn’t watch The Falcon and the Winter Soldier?!  Buncha heathens!).  At one point, Damage CTRL buries Shotzi in steel chairs and Sane gives an elbow via a Sky assist.

Now Flair is the final entrant and she is En Fuego with Sky going for a ride along the cage “like a cheese grater down your spine,” says Graves.  Flair and Lynch have a quick staredown, then Damage CTRL gets involved.  Up top Sky drops a chain and Kai hooks on a trashcan.  As she pulls it up, Sky puts it on over her body and gives a crossbody to all in the ring.

Yes, Virginia.  Holy S***, indeed!

The final entrant is Asuka, who brings in dark kendo sticks, a table, and a fire extinguisher.  From that point, Damage CTRL quadruple dropkick Lynch and Belair who are tied up by a chain, then Asuka mists Shotzi and gives a missile dropkick to Lynch.  Belair and Lynch come back with stereo powerbombs and Flair climbs up top and then gives a moonsault to all of Damage CTRL and covers Bayley for a two count.  Lynch and Flair give a double suplex to Sky and Sane, and after another staredown, they hug it out.  They attempt their respective submissions but no dice, and as the match starts to break down, Belair gives an extinguisher to Asuka’s face and all hell breaks loose.  Belair gives a KOD to Bayley, and then the table gets introduced and Lynch delivers with the  ManHandle Slam for the pin and the decisive win.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Bianca Belair, Charlotte Flair, Shotzi, and Becky Lynch

There is a Ruffles chips spot since they’re sponsoring this, and I am not paid enough to recap that, so watch this instead:

Sami Zayn and Jey Uso talk about if Randy Orton coming to WarGames. Zayn is all, “We’ll do this together.” and I care little for this drama.

Speaking of drama I care less, the next match is for the…

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Gunther (c) vs. The Miz

Gunther has not pinned in two years, according to Cole.  According to me, I find little to care about this match.  I probably would not have minded if this was on RAW or Smackdown, but in the immortal words of Krusty the Klown, “Now…Let’s get this over with!  *Hohoheheha!  Ugh!*”

The Ring General has size but Miz has heart.  The shorter version is that Miz attempts his Skull Crushing Finale but gets blocked and Gunther gives a powerbomb for a two count to his surprise.  Gunther slaps away at the former champ and locks in a sleeper to Miz who rips away a turnbuckle cover.  As the ref deals with that, Miz low blows Gunther while he’s distracted and nails the Skull Crushing Finale for a count of two.  Gunther stops playing around and goes up for a splash and then turns him over for a Boston crab and Miz taps out.

Your Winner via Submission. and Still Intercontinental Champion:  Gunther

And your next match is…

Dragon Lee vs. Santos Escobar

So originally, this was supposed to be Carlito facing Escobar for his heinous deeds against Rey Mysterio, but after this week’s Smackdown The Cool One was injured and Lee pleaded his case to Smackdown GM Nick Aldis to take his place.

Personally, this could’ve been handled on Smackdown, but that is why I am not paid the big bucks.  Also, if you tuned away to watch what happened on AEW’s programming, I don’t blame you.  I love Dragon Lee, but not in this match and I’ve stated concerns like this is the past.  I hope this is not a harbinger of things to come.

More importantly, if you think I am going to spend too much time on this match, then know this is how I protest mediocre booking from any wrestling promotion…in this case, by limerick form.

*ahem*

After what Escobar did prior,

Lee wants to prove his actions were nothing but a divider.

Escobar wants to be the best lucha

Whilst ripping at Lee’s mascara,

And Escobar delivers the Phantom driver.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Santos Escobar

And now for the next title match and this is for the…

For Part Two of WWWE Survivor Series 2023: WarGames gives fortune and fame in Chicago click on the link below

WWE Women’s World Championship: Rhea Ripley (c) vs. Zoey Stark

Before we dive in, allow me this…

(Author’s Note:  By rights, I should give this a limerick or even a Haiku in Review™, but my longstanding rule is this:  Never sandbag a worker from my home state of Utah.  Therefore, by virtue of Stark’s hard work, this match gets a pass.)

Stark enters with war paint, but the fans look to be behind “Mami.”

Jerks.

As the trash-talking gets underway between the women before the match, once the bell rings they go to the ground and pound game.  The taller Ripley is more than a match for Stark and a crossbody by Stark to the outside gives her a fighting chance even as she rolls her back in for a two count.  As Stark goes for a springboard, Ripley headbutts her and Mami attempts a suplex on the ring apron but Stark reverses for a DDT.  Back in the ring, She lands a twisting senton for a two count.  The battle goes outside the ring again and Ripley throws her hard into the ring post and now she begins to pick her apart, and she attempts a powerbomb but Ripley transitions to a suplex and gets a two count.  Ripley comes back with a surfboard to a curb stomp, and then she sets her up top.  Ripley throws her for a suplex but Stark lands on feet and superkicks the champ for a cover of two.

Both women are landing stiff kicks and Ripley nails a Northern Lights suplex for a close two count.  She slaps Stark around, and challenges her to to hit harder.

Ripley has had enough and goes for the Riptide.  Stark escapes and nails a suplex for a two count.  She goes back for her Z-360 finisher and Ripley clocks her hard and delivers the Riptide for put Stark down for the three count.

Your Winner via Pinfall, and Still WWE Women’s World Champion:  Rhea Ripley

Maybe next time, Stark.  Maybe.

Backstage Rollins is pacing as Zayn, Uso, and Rhodes worry about Orton not being here, and fans listening to this are sounding less than enthused.  I know I am.  The Chicago fans are chanting for another Midwest son to come back, but we’ll see what happens.

So the sirens hit for the Main Event of the night for the…

WWE Men’s WarGames match: Cody Rhodes, Seth “Freakin” Rollins, Jey Uso, Sami Zayn, and Randy Orton vs. The Judgment Day (Damian Priest, Finn Bálor, “Dirty” Dominik Mysterio, and JD McDonagh) and Drew McIntyre

So far, there’s no sign of Orton, and on the opposite team, McIntyre and Priest giving that death stare vibe to indicate things may not be copacetic of their team.

In any case, Bálor and Rollins start for their respective teams, and “Freakin'” Rollins dives between the rings to take it to The Judgment Day member.  They bother throws each other into the cage to soften them up, as chants of “CM Punk” echo through the arena.  A sling blade by Bálor connects and then he measures him for another big move, but he runs into a superkick by Rollins, and then he slams him on the diamond steel slat between the rings.  He attempts the curb stomp that misses and slams him on his back and then Rollins connects with a backbreaker and Bálor gives him a crack at his jaw.

The clock winds down and McDonagh races to ring.  As Rollins intercepts, Bálor attacks but Rollins goes back to McDonagh and he smacks his head with a kendo stick.  Pretty soon, the odds catch up as McDonagh and Bálor swing away with the kendo sticks.  Rollins tries to fight them off but McDonagh connects with a springboard moonsault and they follow with the double straightjacket suplex to Rollins.  The clock counts down and Uso comes in wielding a steel chair and goes YEET…

(Author’s Pause:  Wait, hold up.  Why is “YEET” a thing?   Why not say “throw down?”  I get it, I’m old.  But c’mon!  I sound ridiculous.)

Back to the action, superkicks by Rollins and Uso light up their opponents in this WarGames, and a tightrope dropkick by Rollins connects.  The Clock counts down, and before McIntyre steps out, Priest tells him to slow his roll and stick to the plan.

Uso and Rollins hold their own but Priest has a baton and the numbers (plus hardware) catch up.  Once again the clock counts down and Zayn makes a beeline and knocks out McDonagh and Bálor.  Chicago pops for the Honorary Ucey as he not only pulls out a table but lands a Blue Thunder Bomb to Bálor.  He climbs up top but McDonagh stops him and ensures he gets shoved back down the mat.  Zayn grabs a pipe and starts using it on The Judgment Day until McIntyre comes out of the cage and the big Scotsman runs roughshod on all four members in the ring.  He stalks Jey Uso and they battle it out.

He gets a neckbreaker to Uso and throws him hard into the steel cage.  Zayn and Uso give McIntyre the 1-D and now Rhodes runs in and gets in the fight.  He starts to pull out a bullrope (if you weeeeell) at one end and Rollins grabs the other end and uses to their advantage.  As the clock winds down, chants of “Dom, You Suck!” get to a fever pitch as “Dirty” Dom utilizes The Power of Douchenozzlery™.  At one point, Mysterio gets surrounded and all four men beat him down “like in a prison yard.”  They begin to set up the table in the corner and Rollins goes for a powerbomb but soon the numbers catch up.

The clock winds down to the fifth member but there is no Orton (Although the crowd chants for someone else.  Some kinda “punk”, I guess).

Priest gives Rollins the Razor’s Edge through the table.  Ripley rushes in with the Money in the Bank briefcase for Priest to cash in…but voices come in our head and Randy Orton is back in and now the WarGames can begin.

The Apex Predator is En Fuego after a long layoff due to his back, and Orton and McIntyre stare at each other and they briefly fight before Judgment Day swarm in.  From there, chaos ensues until Orton and company get the upper hand and nail a middle rope assisted quintuple DDTs to The Judgment Day.

McDonagh makes a break for it and Zayn and Rollins catch him at the top of the cage and toss him to Orton for an avalanche RKO.

Rhodes adds the coup de grace with Orton’s blessing as he delivers Priest a CrossRhodes to cover for the one, two, and three.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Cody Rhodes, Seth “Freakin” Rollins, Jey Uso, Sami Zayn, and Randy Orton

All five men stand tall after the match and then…

Waitasec.  That music?  Is that…?!

Oh yes, CM Punk is back with remixed music from Living Colour and he announces its clobbering time to the raucous Chicago crowd as the pay-per-view closes.

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