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WWE Monday Night Raw: Raw is Haiku (with a limerick or two)

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

Courtesy of WWE.

Welcome to Monday Night Raw, as we come off a hot Payback PPV.  Tonight, we will have Jey Uso make his return to Monday nights, and Gunther is going to put up his Intercontinental Title against Chad Gable to become the longest-reigning champion. Also, Drew McIntyre and Matt Riddle will be in a Texas Tornado match with the Viking Raiders.

Ummm…yeah, this is not blowing up my jorts.

Since I am guesting on this recap, I need to be clear for those of you who haven’t had the joy of my unique wit, and that is a good time for an…

Author’s Rant

Over the course of a week, I have covered two nights of NWA 75, not to mention AEW Collision and then the All Out PPV.  I was impressed by the effort those men and women went through some grueling matches and card changes for fans to produce a great wrestling product and give them their money’s worth. By comparison, WWE is in my opinion, paint-by-the-numbers, and isn’t worth two cents, despite what the merger with UFC says. They are coasting along and offering a substandard product. Now whether they believe they are too big to fail at this point or Vinnie Mac is playing with dice when deciding who gets the rub on his roster, I don’t know and I don’t care.

I want to stress this; I have no problem with the wrestlers in WWE. They are going along with how they are booked, and I understand their position.  I have no heat with them, nor do I wish them ill will.  Maybe one or two individuals (and you know who you are!) but overall, we are good.

I do have a problem with a show that is lackadaisical in its booking. I do care about a show that covers three hours and gives a thimbleful of matches that aren’t given its proper due that I am going to recap. So, since they aren’t putting in the effort, I am left with no choice but to do the following:

Make this a Haiku in Review™.

Or, better yet…RAW is Haiku™ (with a limerick or two).

You did this to yourself, WWE.  Get over yourself!

End Rant.

So now we come to you from the Spectrum Center in Charlotte, NC, as Michael Cole and Wade Barrett take note of Jey Uso, who welcomes us to Monday Night Raw.

So here’s your First Haiku:

Jey broke free.  Sami

Zayn welcomes The Main Event,

 and all is Ucey.

McIntyre comes out along with Riddle as they do a staredown of Jey Uso.  Because, y’know…bad vibes.

We get a video package of Nakamura and Rollins and how he went full Bane on his back at Payback.

Backstage, Rollins tries to convince Adam Pearce and Ricochet he is fine.

Uhh, Yeah.  Right.

And coming up next is your First Match of the Night in Haiku and it is a…

Courtesy of WWE.

Texas Tornado Match: Drew McIntyre and Matt Riddle vs. The Viking Raiders (Eric and Ivar, with Valhalla)

*ahem*

The Vikings go full

Berserker. Kingston jumps

In. Riddle tabled.

Could there be trouble…in Paradise?

(thenkyew, I’m here all week.  Try the nachos!)

Next is Seth “Freaking” Rollins and the WWE World Heavyweight Champion is calling out Nakamura, and the gist of it is he wants to offer him a fight now, and Nakamura says no.  That ain’t good for Rollins so he takes the fight to him, where Pearce and security, along with Ricochet try to break things up.  Then somewhere between the commercial break (UGH!), Pearce somehow made a match to Rollins’ chagrin, so now we get…

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Ricochet

*Sigh*

Nakamura gives

Strong style to Ricochet and

Chair shot DQs him.

Your Winner via Disqualification:  Ricochet

Nakamura wants to inflict more damage on Ricochet, and Rollins runs out to attack and this will be a fight for another day.

Meanwhile, Damien Priest and Rhea Ripley look on and decide…not today.

Oh, the mediocrity.

Zoey Stark apparently is finished with Trish Stratus, and that’s when Shayna Baszler comes out to say they have unfinished business and the Queen of Spades says to meet her in the ring.  Well, color me interested, finally.

The Judgment Day comes out after the success of Payback and they are dripping in gold.  Not sure if it was piped in or not, but it’s funny how Mysterio is booed out by the fans to make it hard to hear him. But it boils down to this Limerick in Review:

Grand Slam Finn and crew

Are like family.  Who knew?

McDonagh presents Priest with a new briefcase

And Sami Zayn wants to kick his head off his base.

God, I need a drink to get through this RAW recap (maybe two)!

https://youtu.be/SAR9fh61V-s?si=lb6jS1G3MWETO6KI

WWE presents a history of the WWE Intercontinental title and those who wore it before.  Interestingly, the “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Rick Rude are omitted from said package.  I think I will need to have a talk with the WWE “historians” one of these days.

Meanwhile, in the back of the arena Raquel Rodriguez and Adam Pearce talk business and as she leaves Chelsea Green wants a chat about the level of disrespect she gets and feels cursed wearing the WWE Women’s Tag Titles.  To quote The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, “She’s out of line, but she has a point.”  She wants more attention than the sasquatch that is Rodriguez, who comes back into camera view and Pearce makes the match for tonight.

So, yeah… that happened.

Now we get…

Shayna Baszler vs. Zoey Stark

(Author’s Note:  I know I said I will do a Haiku in Review™, but this is the exception to the rule.  My moral code (such as it is) prevents me from bagging a local wrestler from my hometown of Utah, and therefore I will give it the proper attention it deserves for Stark’s sake.)

This is very evenly matched and Stark has early control, but Baszler stomps her elbow and goes to for the Kirifuda clutch.  Stark finds a way out and attempts a baseball slide that misses.  Baszler goes back to the choke, and Stark pushes her into the commentary desk to again break the hold.  Then she dives outside to the Queen of Spades, and during Picture in Picture(!) gets a springboard senton to cover for a two count.  A short arm DDT to Baszler and Stark rams the bad arm into the turnbuckle.  Baszler gives an Eat De-feet to Stark’s arm and they are evenly matched.  She again targets the bad arm but Starks fights back and rolls her up for another count of two.  Starks is fired up as she nails a German suplex and takes it to the Queen with a springboard missile dropkick for another near fall.

Baszler nails a running knee that drops Stark for a two count and then switches to the Kirifuda clutch but Stark fights out again and nails a splash to her on the outside.  Back in the ring, Stark attempts a corkscrew slam that misses, and Baszler locks in the clutch as she fights out, but ultimately passes out.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Shayna Baszler

After the match, Baszler bumps fists with Stark in a sign of respect.

Now back to the haikus and the snark, as our next match is…

Raquel Rodriguez vs. Chelsea Green

*ahem*

Rodriguez ragdolls

Green, and she gives her a big ol’

Tejana bomb. Done.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Raquel Rodriguez

After the match, she gets on the mic and Rodriguez says she will have a shot at the WWE Women’s title against Rhea Ripley, and “chiquito” Dominik Mysterio will not be at ringside.

Ay, Mami is in trouble.

Chad Gable cuts a promo on how he will add to his legacy after he wins the WWE Intercontinental title tonight.  Erstwhile, McIntyre looks for Kingston, and Riddle tells him to chill. Kingston says it was an accident, but he’ll be keeping an eye open for more “accidents.”

Now Miz TV is up because…I guess it’s a thing.

He brings out John Cena and yet…no Cena.

Oh, wait.  I get it.  It’s a whole “you can’t see him” running joke. 

So let’s see if we can get past this with a haiku:

*ahem*

Miz can’t see Cena.

Talks to thin air.. kinda like

His “reality life.”

Overall, the gist is that he challenges L.A. Knight to a match, and he’ll end the fantasy because he is awesome (unlike that segment where I won’t get fifteen minutes of my life back).

Next up is…

Sami Zayn vs. JD McDonagh

The best sign in the crowd read, “Hire El Genérico!”  Heh.

As for the match, in the immortal words of Krusty The Klown, “Let’s get this over with!  Hehehehehahaha! *ugh*”

*ahem*

McDonagh vicious

Against Zayn. Dominik helps

interfere for loss.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  JD McDonagh

Well that ain’t happening and the former Honorary Uce attacks Dominik and McDonagh jumps in to take the abuse.  Zayn gives him the turnbuckle suplex and a Helluva kick for the moral victory.

Backstage Dominik meets Jey and wants to to welcome him to Judgment Day. As someone who has dealt with Mormon missionaries over the years, this was probably the worst recruitment speech ever.

Now for the Main Event and it is for the…

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Gunther (c) vs. Chad Gable

Cole (as usual) oversells the emphasis on Gunther shattering the record of the number of days he has been champion, previously held by The Honky Tonk Man.  There are some boxing-style intros and that brings me to this point.

(Author’s Note:  This was not a bad match to deserve a Haiku In Review, but you could tell how things were going to go since they telegraphed it all three f’n hours!  So this is the second In Ring Limerick in Review™, and…please to enjoy)

*ahem*

Gable puts the Shoosh to Gunther,

But The Ring General shows why he is a leader.

Gunther keeps beating him down,

And Gable tries to rebound.

Yet Gunther demolishes him with a lariat to make it sweeter.

Your Winner, and Still WWE Intercontinental Champion:  Gunther

They show Gable’s family at ringside, some of his daughters in tears at the loss, as the Alpha Academy leader looks dejected.  Gunther holds the title aloft to continue his reign as the show comes to a close.

 

WWE Raw - 09/04/2023
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Final Thoughts in Haiku:

Semi good main event.

The rest of the show was bland.

See you in seven.

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