It’s Saturday night, and you know what that means?
No, it’s not time to scare small children (yet), or to make the TNT censors life difficult. It’s AEW Dynamite, live from the Addition Financial Arena in Orlando, FL. As always Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Jim “Good Ol’ JR” Ross have the call (and we wish JR the best in light of the recent skin cancer diagnosis).
Not only do we have a few matches where various combatants will advance in their respective tournaments, but also “The American Nightmare” Cody Rhodes will try to overcome the darkness of Malakai Black. Now if only Rhodes can overcome those John Cena style of boos from the crowd…
Anyhoo, I’m excited for this First Match…
AEW World Championship Eliminator Tournament: “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes vs. “The American Dragon” Bryan Danielson
Both men start out with a handshake show of respect. Though this is evenly matched, it’s really a tale of The Natural’s veteran size and strength,versus the speed and scientific skill of The American Dragon. At one point, Danielson gets Rhodes outside the ring and he follows up with a tope suicida, but Rhodes answers back with a somersault senton from the ring apron to the floor. As strong as Rhodes is, Danielson is able to counter, at one point he tries an armbar but Rhodes blocks his attempt, then faster than you can say “Bruiserweight”, Danielson goes to joint manipulation and a stomp on his elbow.
At the midpoint, the crowd is distracted as a well-dressed Tony Nese sits with the fans (along with someone throwing up some rather immature signs on hard camera. Kids, don’t be that douche-tastic at shows. It seriously ruins it for everybody. This has been a PSA from your Lucid Luchador). Fans are solidly behind this match, chanting “This is Awesome!” Danielson runs the ropes to a power slam by Rhodes for a close two count. Danielson goes up top, but Rhodes pushes him off and he gets crouched on the ropes. Rhodes covers for a two count, and Danielson tries for the LaBelle Lock (Yes!), but switches to a crossface, but the long limbs of Rhodes reaches ropes to break the hold. Danielson keeps up the offense with stiff kicks, and he sets Rhodes for a running high kick, but a Rhodes clothesline turns him inside out. Rhodes tries to put Away the American Dragon, as he shoots him to the ropes, but Danielson locks in a guillotine choke. Rhodes lowers, and Danielson switches to the choke with a body scissors and ref calls the match.
Your Winner via Submission, and Advancing in the AEW World Title Tournament: Bryan Danielson
Backstage, it’s the AEW World Heavyweight Champion Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks and Adam Cole. Omega calls out “Hangman” Adam Page. Omega knows him better than anyone, since they used to be tag partners. Simply put, Omega’s not like the fans and will chant “Cowboy s***”, but will call him out for his “coward s***!”
(Author’s Bemused Note: Huh. No censor button, eh? Okay then)
We go to dueling promos, as FTR are proud to be the AAA tag team champions, but need the AEW champion belts that the Lucha Bros now hold to be complete. Penta says (according to Alex Abrahantes) that FTR played dirty with him and Rey Fenix when they stole the belts, and they will have revenge. But FTR is not scared, and they’ll be on top of the Tag division again. Top Guys out.
Tony Schiavone is now in the ring to talk about Darby Allin’s medical status and the only one to tell us is…STING! But before the Stinger can speak, my douche sense is spiking for Maxwell Jacob Friedman. He calls out “Darby’s Emo Daddy” and doesn’t want to embarrass Sting in front of fans, and says truth is Allin isn’t coming back. Fans chant “STFU” at the Salt of the Earth (nice one, Orlando), but MJF says Allin will be in same place as his buddy Lex Luger, sitting in a wheelchair. Well, Sting obviously has had enough, and attacks but Shawn Spears and Wardlow do a sneak attack on the stinger, with Spears leading with chair shots to Sting’s back. MJF hold up Sting’s broken carcass and warns Allin if comes back this will be his fate. Then MJR hits him with his AEW diamond ring to sell the point, to raucous boos.
Schiavone with Dr. Britt Baker DMD, who calls out Tay Conti, and she claims all she does is just shows her a**, but she shows she is a champion each and every night. Strange that the good Doctor is focused on Conti’s behind, but hey…I will not judge.
But speaking of important tournaments, it’s now time for the …
AEW TBS Women’s Championship Tournament: Penelope Ford vs Ruby Soho
(Author’s Pondering Note: Seriously, how much cash does Tony Khan have to get the Rancid song rights, let alone the other songs? The mind boggles!)
Whoever wins this match will be facing Kris Statlander next week, since she is the number three seeded woman and earned a bye this week. Well, anyway, Ford just attacks from behind before the bell rings, and Soho tries to fight back. It doesn’t help that The Bunny skips out to add more distraction to Soho, as Ford keeps up the offense. The match is all favoring Ford, as Soho tries a deadlift, but Ford escapes and shoots the ropes for a Superbad Cutter for a two count. Then Ford attempts a fireman’s carry to a front gut buster to Ruby Soho, for another two count. Well, the Bunny tries to help and sends in brass knuckles, but the ref kicks them out as Ford unsuccessfully dives for them, and Ruby gets a roll up for the win
Your Winner, and Advancing in the TBS Tournament: Ruby Soho
The Bunny and Ford don’t think it’s “very funny” that Ruby Soho advanced in the TBS Tournament (see what I did there?). As they get ready to gang up on her, out comes Red Velvet to even odds and as Ford and the Bunny beat a hasty retreat, let’s play some more Rancid again.
Shawn Spears and MJF are enjoying their handiwork tonight, but Wardlow wants to know what the BS was about last week, getting fed to Sting. MJF recognizes that there is issues, and makes sure to give him an accountability buddy…an accountabilibuddy if you will (not in a South Park way…which is also funny). Wardlow is flabbergasted, and Spears is all “Heyyyy.”
Anthony Greene vs. Bobby Fish
Two things about this match. First; Greene looks like a hand-me-down Trent. Second, this looks to be a good match…if it was on AEW Dark, and I do not recap squash matches. Instead, in honor of Bobby Fish, enjoy this Parmesan Crusted Cod with Summer Garlicky Squash, as Greene is Sleeping with the Fishes.
Your Winner: Bobby Fish
Fish continues to beat down Greene after the bell, but CM Punk charges down to save Greene. Fish bails, but keeps taunting Punk along the way, and I want this match sooner than later.
Tony Schiavone is in back with Lio Rush and Dante Martin on teaming up next week. Rush says he needs a good tag partner, unlike Matt Sydal. Dante says he’s the best, but Rush scoffs at that, and wants to give him a chance when they team up…against the Sydal Bros. Dante is not feeling this at all.
Now for something completely different, let’s go to your next match in the…
AEW World Championship Eliminator Tournament: Lance Archer vs. Eddie Kingston
To quote commentator Todd Keneley from the United Wrestling Network, this match is planning to head into the “land of the big uglies.” My prediction comes to pass as Kingston Pearls Harbors Archer before his ring intro finishes, and then Archer grabs a bleach-blond “fan” from the front row, and he choke slams the poor slob from the ring apron onto Kingston on the floor.
Even with the fans chanting for “Eddie” this match is all Archer’s to win… until he executed a moonsault that under rotates and he lands on the top of his head. As I’m having flashbacks of the FMW Dark Side of The Ring episode, the ref and the doctor check his well-being, and Archer wants to go on. Kingston quickly rolls him up for the three count.
Your Winner: Eddie Kingston
While I have a feeling this was not the intended outcome, I’m glad this was not a Hayabusa situation for Archer, and I am keen to see what a matchup between the Mad King and the American Dragon will look like next week.
Back in the ring we go with “All Ego” Ethan Page and Scorpio Sky and Dan Lambert of America’s Top Team. Page says the Inner Circle sucks and runs down all the members, including Chris Jericho who was on a little cruise and not in attendance. Page says they’re the best, not like Sammy Guevara.
Well, whaddya know? The TNT Champ Sammy Guevara comes out, and channels his mentor and tells them to please shut the hell up. Lambert then tells Guevara to put up the title next week against Page if he wants tag match with ATT. Lambert adds the stipulation that if he loses, he must leave the Inner Circle. Sammy agrees, but under the condition that if he wins, he will pick which members of ATT to face Inner Circle. Sky then feels froggy and wants to teach Guevara some manners, and Page and Sky get their licks in before The Inner Circle comes out in force and runs them off.
Jon Moxley cuts a promo saying he should be yelling, but keeps thinking of his daughter, and how she grabbed his broken pinky. He doesn’t give a crap about the title, ratings, and everything else…but that little hand grasping his is all he thinks about, and coming home in one piece to his daughter. He quietly (for Moxley) issues a warning to everyone in the tournament that he won’t hold back, because he will go through anyone and everyone to get back home standing to see his little girl.
Dude. Goosebumps, that promo.
Guevara comes out for his little sign promo during the picture-in-picture ads that reads:
Orlando, Fl./ Another week…/Another huge waste of time. No surprise!/American “plop” team (with cartoon turd emoji)/Come out to run their mouths again. /I say it’s time to run mine/Ethan Page /Next week on Dynamite /”The Spanish God” Sammy Guevara Versus “Loose Pecs” Ethan Page/ It’ll be a garden party…in Boston?
(Author’s Drunken Chuckle: Uhehehehehehe…“Plop” Team.)
Dark Order are backstage and “Hangman” Adam Page comes out. He says if they’re going after The Elite, and since Halloween around corner, why not a costume match. John Silver says he has a Bambi costume.
(Author’s Drunken Realization: Ohhhhhhh-kay. Had to remind that, and make sure I heard right, and I did. That just raises more questions about Silver than I ever want answered!)
And now for …
Jungle Boy vs. Brandon Cutler
Yeah, this is another squash match, so in honor of Jungle Boy, enjoy this Sausage Stuffed Butternut Squash Paleo (naturally) recipe.
As for Cutler, it’s a quick Snare Trap by Jungle Boy that leads to a quick tap.
Your Winner via Submission: Jungle Boy
Jungle boy gets on the mic, and he says he enjoyed the “Nice little warmup.” He’s feeling good and dares The Elite to come out. No one? Well back to the Snare Trap to Cutler, and Adam Cole comes out to challenge Jungle Boy. Cole steps up, but gets knocked out of the ring, and the next thing it’s a SuperKliq Par-tay. They beat on Jungle Boy up the top, and one BTE trigger and a Last Shot knocks him down. But just for kicks, the SuperKliq throw Jungle Boy off the commentary stage to AEW-draped tables down below. Jungle Boy is a broken heap, as staff go to check on the damage.
“Are you there, God? It’s me, Miro.”, is what this promo should be called as he feels forsaken, and wants to once again be “God’s Favored.”
Speaking of godforsaken, it’s time for your Main Event…
Malakai Black vs. “The American Nightmare” Cody Rhodes
The story is that Cody hasn’t been able to best Black in two matches, and this is the last chance he has. While I wonder if his Coach Arn Anderson Is strapped like Charles Bronson in Death Wish. Bell in rings and a fired up Cody goes after Black, but Black able to counter with stiff kicks throughout the contest. This leads to going to the final picture-in-picture, where the reality show “Rhodes to the Top” plays, and I can’t help but wonder if this is why he gets the boos.
(Author’s Snarky Rant: While I hate all reality shows with the fire of a thousand suns, and consider them the worst thing man has ever devised, along with Brigham Young University and Arizona, I don’t *hate* that show. I’m more indifferent, and in my humble drunken opinion, it’s WAY better than, oh say, Total Divas or Total Bellas. Pick your poisons on that one. End Rant!)
During the picture-in-picture ads, Cody has Black in the Figure Four leg lock, but he reaches the ropes. They both go out to the ring apron, and Now Black gets a table outside but Cody manages to nail the CrossRhodes from the ring apron to the table. Black is bleeding from the head, as is Rhodes. Now, for whatever reason, Andrade El Idolo comes out, and his assistant Jose tried to hit Arn Anderson in the ring, but he delivers a spinebuster. Now PAC is out, and he and Andrade fight from the ramp to the back. As for the action in the ring, Black goes for a Lionsault (or is it a Darksault? Need a ruling!), but Cody gets him in a second CrossRhodes for one, two…no. Now Black ramps up the attack with a diving foot stomp, then a knee strike, and a deep German suplex for one, two…oh, so close. Black delivers a back heel kick, and Rhodes goes through the ropes to the outside. Black goes for an Asai Moonsault, but no one home, and Cody goes back and nails a tope suicida. Back in the ring, and Cody gets a Cody cutter and a third CrossRhodes. Just when you think a fourth CrossRhodes is in order, Cody switches up to a Tiger Driver ‘98 for the one, two, and three.
Your Winner: Cody Rhodes
The fans at the Addition Financial Arena boo loud and long at Cody as the show fades to black.
RELATED LINK
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