It’s time for the tradition of fighting with friends and family as opposed to fighting in the squared circle as WWE heads to Illinois for their tentpole Survivor Series pay-per-view, as the WarGames will play heavily for the men and the women. 

Oh, and since we are in Chicago, expect a lot of chants for a certain chick magnet who’s something of a punk.

There is a kickoff show on predictions for the show, but read here to see how close the predictions were without…y’know…listening to Booker T’s “Shucky Ducky” yammering.

So as we head to the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Il. Michael Cole and Corey Graves and that other guy have the call, So crank up that Black Sabbath, as Michael Cole goes over the rules of WarGames:

Therefore the war machine keeps on turning as the First Match of the night is the…

WWE Women’s WarGames match: Bianca Belair, Charlotte Flair, Shotzi, and Becky Lynch vs. Damage CTRL (Bayley, Asuka, Iyo Sky, and Kairi Sane)

Damage CTRL comes out in unison with Auska Noh masks, as opposed to Belair’s crew coming to separate entrances.  Lynch starts for her team, as does Bayley and the former Horsewomen go move for counter move, but The Man is getting the upper hand.  Lynch gets an exploder but Bayley tosses her to the cage and then suplexes on the steel slat between the rings.  She goes for the  Dis-arm-her, but Dakota Kai is on the outside of the ring and pokes a kendo stick at her to break the hold.  Then Bayley swings away and as the clock winds down Shotzi runs to the ring, slams the door on Bayley, and starts bringing the hardware with chairs, trash cans, and anything else not bolted down.  She gets tons of offense on Bayley, who tries to escape, and gets dragged back to the ring when she tries to escape.

Next up is Sky and she runs in with a chain and The Genius of the Sky turns the tide and delivers…err, Damage Control to her team.  At one point Sky and Bayley give a double superplex to Lynch and then they set Shotzi up top, but as the clock winds down again Belair gets in and whips everyone with her double braids.  She climbs the top turnbuckle as Sky and Belair yank on her braids and she lands on her feet and gives a double DDT to both women.  The clock counts down again and Sane is last for her team. She takes her time as she gets a gigantic trash can lid before entering the ring, and then goes all US Agent on everyone (What?  You didn’t watch The Falcon and the Winter Soldier?!  Buncha heathens!).  At one point, Damage CTRL buries Shotzi in steel chairs and Sane gives an elbow via a Sky assist.

Now Flair is the final entrant and she is En Fuego with Sky going for a ride along the cage “like a cheese grater down your spine,” says Graves.  Flair and Lynch have a quick staredown, then Damage CTRL gets involved.  Up top Sky drops a chain and Kai hooks on a trashcan.  As she pulls it up, Sky puts it on over her body and gives a crossbody to all in the ring.

Yes, Virginia.  Holy S***, indeed!

The final entrant is Asuka, who brings in dark kendo sticks, a table, and a fire extinguisher.  From that point, Damage CTRL quadruple dropkick Lynch and Belair who are tied up by a chain, then Asuka mists Shotzi and gives a missile dropkick to Lynch.  Belair and Lynch come back with stereo powerbombs and Flair climbs up top and then gives a moonsault to all of Damage CTRL and covers Bayley for a two count.  Lynch and Flair give a double suplex to Sky and Sane, and after another staredown, they hug it out.  They attempt their respective submissions but no dice, and as the match starts to break down, Belair gives an extinguisher to Asuka’s face and all hell breaks loose.  Belair gives a KOD to Bayley, and then the table gets introduced and Lynch delivers with the  ManHandle Slam for the pin and the decisive win.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Bianca Belair, Charlotte Flair, Shotzi, and Becky Lynch

There is a Ruffles chips spot since they’re sponsoring this, and I am not paid enough to recap that, so watch this instead:

Sami Zayn and Jey Uso talk about if Randy Orton coming to WarGames. Zayn is all, “We’ll do this together.” and I care little for this drama.

Speaking of drama I care less, the next match is for the…

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Gunther (c) vs. The Miz

Gunther has not pinned in two years, according to Cole.  According to me, I find little to care about this match.  I probably would not have minded if this was on RAW or Smackdown, but in the immortal words of Krusty the Klown, “Now…Let’s get this over with!  *Hohoheheha!  Ugh!*”

The Ring General has size but Miz has heart.  The shorter version is that Miz attempts his Skull Crushing Finale but gets blocked and Gunther gives a powerbomb for a two count to his surprise.  Gunther slaps away at the former champ and locks in a sleeper to Miz who rips away a turnbuckle cover.  As the ref deals with that, Miz low blows Gunther while he’s distracted and nails the Skull Crushing Finale for a count of two.  Gunther stops playing around and goes up for a splash and then turns him over for a Boston crab and Miz taps out.

Your Winner via Submission. and Still Intercontinental Champion:  Gunther

And your next match is…

Dragon Lee vs. Santos Escobar

So originally, this was supposed to be Carlito facing Escobar for his heinous deeds against Rey Mysterio, but after this week’s Smackdown The Cool One was injured and Lee pleaded his case to Smackdown GM Nick Aldis to take his place.

Personally, this could’ve been handled on Smackdown, but that is why I am not paid the big bucks.  Also, if you tuned away to watch what happened on AEW’s programming, I don’t blame you.  I love Dragon Lee, but not in this match and I’ve stated concerns like this is the past.  I hope this is not a harbinger of things to come.

More importantly, if you think I am going to spend too much time on this match, then know this is how I protest mediocre booking from any wrestling promotion…in this case, by limerick form.

*ahem*

After what Escobar did prior,

Lee wants to prove his actions were nothing but a divider.

Escobar wants to be the best lucha

Whilst ripping at Lee’s mascara,

And Escobar delivers the Phantom driver.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Santos Escobar

And now for the next title match and this is for the…

For Part Two of WWWE Survivor Series 2023: WarGames gives fortune and fame in Chicago click on the link below

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