As if we don’t see enough of them on Smackdown and as if we don’t have enough “gang warfare” on WWE television these days, The Bloodline jumpstart Raw by leaping over the ringside barrier and attacking security guards and driving off the announcers.
It is about time someone shocked some life back into the weekly mass coma that is Raw.
Why the entire Raw locker room is scared of four mid-card dudes is beyond my understanding though.
Adam Pearce sends in security to rid Raw of Bloodline. Security fails miserably at their job.
Kevin Owens rushes the ring and it is four against one until the locker room empties and finally The Bloodline flees the ring.
“You want to come to work? You are being put to work!” says Pearce alerting The Bloodline that they are all in matches tonight.
Yay! Lucky us. When does Barmageddon start?
Bianca Belair is interviewed by Byron Saxton. Belair isn’t buying Alexa Bliss’ nonsense or excuses about Bray Wyatt or The Easter Bunny or aliens from outer space. Their relationship is beyond repair. Done is done.
The Raw locker room swarms Adam Pearce backstage. They all want a piece of The Bloodline. Elias gets Solo Sikoa in a street fight. The Street Profits and Kevin Owens will battle The Usos and Sami Zayn.
So pretty much the same matches you have seen over and over for the last six months.
Alexa Bliss versus Bianca Belair – Raw Women’s Championship
Welcome to The Alexa Bliss Botchfest.
Bliss is doing her irritating, forced smile and 12-year-old girl poses as he makes her way to the ring.
Can someone please ship her off to the Disney Channel where she belongs? That way we don’t have to watch her timid, awkward, slow-mo wrestling every week.
Belair holds off Bliss with one outstretched hand to her head like a cartoon character and then punches her square in the face. Belair catches Bliss outside the ring and swings her into the ringside barricade like she was a small child.
Bianca cannot seem to anything started until the champ crashes into a steel ring post. She puts the boots to Bianca. Bliss escapes from a suplex for a messy backbreaker or something. Belair turns a DDT into the suplex she wanted minutes later. Belair loses it and just flails and windmills on Bliss before slamming her head into turnbuckle after turnbuckle, slamming to the mat over and over.
Bliss screws up another spot in the ropes with Belair then botches what is supposed to be a dive off the apron. Graves has to rescue things by saying the move hurt both women.
Bliss elbows her way out of a KOD but suffers a backbreaker instead. Belair pounds Bliss in the head ten times in a corner until Bliss yanks Belair over the top rope by her hair.
There is some dude standing beyond the ringside barrier wearing an Uncle Howdy mask. Bliss cannot stop staring at him. Bliss starts stumbling around the ring like she is having some kind of seizure or has to go to the bathroom, I don’t know which and I don’t really care. All the while Wyatt’s moth symbol flashes on the big screen. Is Ed Wood writing and directing this crap now?
Bliss attacks the official and slams Bianca into post, the steel stairs. Bianca appears to be bleeding from the mouth after being DDTed into the ring stairs twice. Medical officials rush out to assist Belair. Montez Ford lends his wife a hand to the back as well.
Winner: Bliss is DQ’d so still Raw Women’s Champion via disqualification…Bianca Belair.
‘Big Bland’ Theory is interviewed backstage. He vows to mess up Rollins later tonight.
Elias versus Solo Sikoa – Music City Street Fight
Elias is about to sing. Solo Sikoa puts a stop to that so we don’t have to hear any of Elias’ air pollution. There are instruments all around the ring.
Graves tries to impress saying there are all sorts of “musical accoutrements” on the floor surrounding the ring.
Minutes later Graves says…This is Sikoa’s “milieu”.
Hey Graves: “Mieux vaut se taire et passer pour un imbécile que de parler et dissiper tout doute.”
Elias swings a guitar, misses Solo and hits a steel post. Solo is whipped into a drum kit and hit with a cymbal in the head. Elias and Solo battle up the ramp. Solo throws Elias into another drum kit, battering him in the head with a microphone. Solo beats Elias with a drum stand and head butt.
A Samoan Drop knocks all of the wind out of Elias. Elias resorts to bashing Solo with a tambourine and a keyboard for a two count.
BREAKING NEWS: Bianca Belair is being medically evaluated backstage.
Solo charges in, misses Elias and hits the steel ring post with his head. Elias goes mental Stinger Splashing and spine-bustering Solo. Elias breaks the keyboard over Solo’s back.
The musician Hardy is sitting at ringside. No, not Jeff. Michael Wilson Hardy. He gives Elias a guitar. As Solo takes care of Elias, Hardy sneaks into the ring and breaks a guitar over Solo’s back. Solo no-sells the shot. Hardy wisely retreats. Elias leaps off the top rope with a guitar. Solo hits him with the Samoan Spike and Spinning Solos him on a piano for the win.
Solo looks around for Hardy but cannot find him. Hardy is supposed to be playing the Royal Rumble theme live at the pay-per-view. He should go on vacation in Australia for the rest of January, if he were smart.
Winner: Solo Sikoa
The Usos, Sami Zayn versus Kevin Owens and The Street Profits
Neither team waits for the bell. A big brawl erupts. Dawkins just bulldozes Jimmy Uso. The Street Profits work him over until Jey kicks Dawkins in the back of the head from the apron as the official is distracted.
No, Graves. Nobody but you and Roman call Jey “Main Event” as he will has been and never will be in that spot…for real.
Montez splashes Sami Zayn, slams him for a two count. Zayn catches him on the top rope thought. The two men battle it out. Montez punches Sami off the top rope and splashes him. Jey makes the save before Sami can be pinned. Solo arrives out of the audience. He clocks Owens. Sami gets the Heluva kick on Montez for the win.
Winners: The Usos, Sami Zayn
Sami parades around like the circus clown he has become. The Bloodline beats down Owens. As they prepare to do something nasty to him with steel chair, Sheamus and Drew McIntyre provide the reinforcements that drive off The Bloodline.
Chad Gable versus Dexter Lumis
Who wants to watch this? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Beuller?
Dexter Lumis is just devoid of any personality, energy or spark. Can we move on from him, please? HHH needs to abandon these NXT pet projects of his that just don’t resonate with the WWE Universe at all, just like I said here.
Otis is outside cheering Chad on. Gable ends up giving Lumis a knee to the back driving him into the steel post. Lumis thwarts Otis’ sneak attack. Lumis pins Gable…and nobody cares.
Winner: Dexter Lumis
When does Barmageddon start. Yes, I am THAT desperate for entertainment.
Damage Control saunters out. Why does Iyo Sky always bumble to the ring like she is drunk though. She just staggers from one guardrail to the next. What is up with that?
Bayley calls Nashville, “Trashville”. She mocks Becky Lynch…and out she comes.
“Shut up, Bayley. You dope!” laughs Lynch. “You are a coward and a fraud. You cannot do anything by yourself.”
She claims that Damage Control will eventually turn on each other as Bayley is living in Iyo and Dakota’s shadows.
Lynch challenges Bayley to a match. Bayley declines.
“I have already beaten you fair and square,” says Bayley. Bayley tells Lynch to go find a partner so she can take on her girls Damage Control. Lynch doesn’t have her phone so she cannot call anyone. She is happy though to face Damage Control in a handicap match.
Damage Control versus Becky Lynch and Mia Yim
Lynch takes advantage of the constant miscommunication between the tag team champions. Sky trips up Lynch from the apron so that Kai can kick her in the face. The champions double team Lynch on the floor. Lynch gets drop kicked into the ring apron. Sky throws Lynch into the ringside barrier and a steel post. Mia Yim comes down to the ring when Lynch needs her the most. She tags in and takes care of the champs. Yim and Lynch bump fists.
“What is happening?” asks Bayley.
Lynch bulldogs Kai onto the floor, slams her head into steel post and the ringside barricade.
Yim and Lynch double suplex Kai from the second rope. Yim has Kai pinned but Bayley puts Kai’s leg over the ropes. An enraged Lynch attacks Bayley. This leaves Yim to be pinned by Sky and her Over The Moonsault.
Hmmm. Is there a Yim and Lynch feud coming up?
Bayley: “Becky is an idiot.”
Winners: Damage Control
Rollins is interviewed backstage. He claims Monday nights belong to him…and so will the United States Championship…in just a few minutes.
Byron Saxton is waiting to interview with Alexa ‘Botch-A-Mania” Bliss. Bliss doesn’t speak any or act any differently. She just says she will take back her Raw Women’s Championship.
Want to watch something funny? Go check out this promo by Dominik Mysterio chewing on a toothpick, wearing a ‘wife beater’ shirt and talking about “spending hard time” in “prison” over what happened on Christmas Eve. He went to prison for trespassing? Please, WWE. Stop. Just stop. I cannot take this anymore. I just can’t.
‘Big Bland’ Theory (champion) versus Seth Rollins – WWE United States Championship Match
Here we go again. It is the ‘Seth’s Knee Injury’ angle for the zillionth time.
When I was at the WWE Holiday Event over the weekend though I couldn’t believe how many kids were into Seth Rollins. If nothing else, the young ones really like him and his bozo antics.
Theory still looks like he is taking a dump in his tights with all that scowling and grimacing to make himself look bad ass or mean.
Rollins is off to a fast start clotheslining Theory over the top rope and kicking him into the ringside barricade. A running knee off the apron knocks out Theory’s molars. Rollins lays Theory over the barricade and lands another running knee to the back of Theory’s neck.
‘Big Bland’ Theory, where is Sheldon when you need him, eh?
Rollins chops Theory against the barricade. He hits yet another flying knee back in the ring. Theory lands a drop kick and rains down fists on Rollins’ face.
“You are the past!” shouts Theory as he rams Rollins’ head into a turnbuckle.
Rollins is whipped chest-first into the opposite turnbuckle. Rollins blocks punch after punch but gets caught in a backbreaker. Rollins gets his head smashed against the announce table, the ring and is thrown over the table.
“Is that all you’ve got? laughs Rollins back in the ring.
Rollins dives through the ropes taking out Theory. Rollins tries to pick up Theory for a powerbomb but drops to his knees. He goes for it again. Theory makes it to the ropes. Rollins runs up the ropes for a superplex. Theory drops Rollins on his neck for a two count so no Falcon Arrow.
Both men take each other out. They lay motionless on the canvass. Rollins limps to his feet. They exchange haymakers in the middle of the ring. An elbow to the back of the neck knocks out Theory. Rollins cannot execute the Stomp due to his bad knee.
Theory grabs his belt and climbs over the barricade. Rollins chases him down. Theory tries to hit Rollins with the belt. Rollins super kicks him in the face and lands a Frog Splash. Theory kicks out.
Rollins gets shoved into the official. He Pedigrees Theory. His knee is hurting badly though so he cannot cover right away. Another official makes a two count by the time Rollins covers him. Theory gives Rollins takes out Seth’s knee from behind and it is an A-Town Down for the win.
Winner: …and still WWE United States Champion…’Big Bland’ Theory.
