It’s Friday Night and you know what that means?
No, it’s not time for AEW Collision (that’s tomorrow), but it is time for AEW Rampage, and (sigh) once again we have matches with Konosuke Takeshita and Bandido in the main event as well as a mixed tag match where Mark and Papa Briscoe team with Referee Aubrey Edwards to face Jay Lethal, Jeff and Karen Jarrett.
Excited? Eh, might as well be, since this show doesn’t feel 100% Haiku-worthy.
We come to you (taped) from the Capital One Arena in Washington, D.C. Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, Chris Jericho, and Jim Ross have the call and we start with…
The United Empire (Will Ospreay, Jeff Cobb, and Kyle Fletcher) vs. CHAOS (Trent Beretta, Chuck Taylor, and Rocky Romero)
Fans of New Japan are cheering for the return of Roppongi Vice in Beretta and Romero in the house. Fletcher tried to light up Berretta and he takes him to school, and then Romero and Osprey come in and he shows Azúcar he is sweet in the ring. CHAOS abounds as they all hit tope suicidas to the Empire to reign in the ring. Osprey nails a handspring enzugiri, and during Picture in Picture the United Empire takes Taylor to school.
At one point, Cobb eats De-Feet and gets the hot tag to Beretta, and he overcomes with a couple of German suplexes and a Saito suplex for good measure. Fletcher comes in and attempts a V-Trigger and Romero and Beretta use Roppongi action to their advantage. Cobb comes in to give both men a German suplex and gets blocked. Taylor comes in with a scoop and a slam and CHAOS knows You Got to Give the People What They Want©! Ospreay and Romero battle it out and he attempts the Sliced Bread but gets blocked. Fletcher comes in and nails the tombstone piledriver and Osprey finishes him off with the Hidden Blade for the three count.
Your Winner via Pinfall: Jeff Cobb, Kyle Fletcher, and Will Ospreay
Momentum is on the side of Osprey heading to Forbidden Door next week, and he has a score to settle with Kenny Omega.
But let’s go to ringside for the next match and it’s between…
Taya Valkyrie vs. Trish Adora
Excalibur covers Valkyrie’s loss to Jade Cargill for the TBS title at the Double or Nothing PPV, only for Kris Statlander to come back from injury to get the win.
Got it? Good.
As for this match?
Well, first of all, I cannot say this is a Haiku in Review since other sites have done a similar thing.
So, in the spirit of ownership, let’s designate this a Milagro Haiku Review ™:
*Ahem*
Adora cannot
Stop La Wera Loca and she
Gets curb-stomped to hell.
Your Winner via Pinfall: Taya Valkyrie
There is a different vibe by Valkyrie, and the folks in the arena let La Wera Loca know they aren’t pleased.
Lexy Nair is backstage with The Hardys, Brother Zay, and a (reluctant) Ethan Page. Matt and Jeff note the Gunns called them out but they state (much to Page’s unhappy background chagrin) that like their dad way back when in that other promotion, they will make them famous.
“25 years ago, we beat your Daddy’s Ass. THIS WEDNESDAY on Dynamite, we’re beating your two asses!”#TheHardys will face #The GUNNS on Wednesday Night #AEWDynamite THIS WEDNESDAY at 8/7c LIVE from Chicago, on TBS!@MATTHARDYBRAND | @JEFFHARDYBRAND | @OfficialEGO | @isiahkassidy pic.twitter.com/mLHWk6GO18
— All Elite Wrestling (@AEW) June 17, 2023
And now for the match *somebody* asked for, we head to ringside for some mixed tag team action between…
Mark Briscoe, Papa Briscoe, and Aubrey Edwards vs. Jay Lethal, Jeff Jarrett, and Karen Jarrett (with Sanjay Dutt and Satnam Singh)
(Author’s Note: Is it me, or does Lethal, et al need a better tag team name? Howzabout…Lethal Nuts? Slap Lethal? Eh, we’ll workshop later.)
Any-whoosles, Three things should be pointed out: Edwards comes out with a sleeveless striped shirt, and we can all agree… no Karens are needed in professional wrestling. Ever! Also, The Briscoes and Edwards reach for the sky in homage to Jay Briscoe.
But, since AEW did not get my memo on Karens, we start with Lethal and Mark in the ring and he gets to feeling froggy with his friend. Once Jarrett tags in, he struts his stuff to show him up. Now Karen and Edwards get in the ring and then …she tags Lethal back in.
Jerk.
Soon, Mark comes back in for some Redneck Kung Fu, as does Papa Briscoe. But it isn’t long before Mark gets isolated during Picture in Picture and all is lost until…
Ads (Again, what Monkeys in the Truck are dictating this nonsense, when the Picture in Picture is meant to eliminate this problem? UGHHHHH!)
We come back and Mark double clotheslines Jeff and Lethal and that leads to a hot tag to Papa and he is a Briscoe Patriarch En Fuego. He nails a spear, but then Aubrey and Karen attack in the ring and I dare any of you not to hear Joey Styles screech, “CATFIGHT!!!” during their exchange. The fans are chanting, “Aubrey,” as she grabs Jeff’s guitar.
The ref tries to dissuade Edwards from swinging the instrument, and she has a moment of pause…before she clocks Lethal. Karen attempts The Stroke, but Aubrey blocks and she applies the Figure Four (woo!) for a quick tap out.
Your Winner, and Demonstrating How to Deal with a Karen: Aubrey Edwards, Mark, and Papa Briscoe
Lexy Nair is backstage with Taya Valkyrie, and she cannot get enough of how she was cheated of her title opportunity by Statlander.
Well, surprise, surprise. The new TBS Champions comes out and offers an open challenge. Valkyrie will consider the option for later.
#LaWeraLoca Taya Valkyrie is SET on taking the TBS Championship from Kris Statlander!
Watch #AEWRampage on TNT!@thetayavalkyrie | @callmekrisstatpic.twitter.com/LBiwveicQz
— All Elite Wrestling (@AEW) June 17, 2023
Mike Henry is ready to bring up The Main Event, but Don Callis appears to steal his thunder so he can spotlight his new prized pupil that is everything Kenny Omega isn’t, and he will show that against Bandido since he is the “New God of Professional Wrestling.”
“That’s right, I said it: (Takeshita) is the NEW God of Pro-Wrestling!”
Bold words from Don Callis ahead of Takeshita’s battle against Bandido in the MAIN EVENT of #AEWRampage on TNT!@takesoup | @TheDonCallis | @bandidowrestlerpic.twitter.com/nwCFw0KX32
— All Elite Wrestling (@AEW) June 17, 2023
Now, Henry finally says that’s been enough talk since the Main Event is…
Konosuke Takeshita (with Don Callis) vs. Bandido
Callis is smarmy as he ingratiates himself with the commentary team. At the onset, Bandido offers a handshake and Takeshita shines him. The masked man attempts to end the match early and goes for the 21-plex finisher, but Takeshita blocks and sends him over the ropes and nails a big boot to Bandido into the crowds, and batters him up and down the ring.
Back in the ring and Bandido gives Takeshita a nice delayed vertical suplex for fifteen seconds, and then another for almost thirty seconds. He follows up with a huracanrana from the top rope to the outside on the floor and Callis makes his way to ringside to distract Bandido. It works since his springboard attack is thwarted and Takeshita hits a knee to the face and during a Picture in Picture, he beats down the masked man. He tries to fight back but Takeshita lays him out with a lariat. Bandido comes back with European uppercuts and then nails him with a tornado DDT and then a moonsault to the floor.
Back in the ring, Bandido attempts a springboard maneuver but is caught by Takeshita who transitions into a Blue Thunder Bomb to cover for two. Bandido recovers and goes for his patented one-armed military press to a slam, and then lands a frog splash for a close two count. He sends Callis’ pupil up the top turnbuckle for a high-risk move but gets blocked and Takeshita reverses for an avalanche lariat to send him down hard to the mat and cover for one, two…ooh, so close. Bandido attempts the 21-plex again, but Takeshita flips through. Bandido goes for the Chaos Theory suplex but also gets blocked. Both men go for a series of pinfalls to no avail, but finally, Takeshita nails a jumping knee, followed by a shot to back the head and he delivers a V- trigger-style knee to cover for the one, two, and three.
Your Winner via Pinfall: Konosuke Takeshita
He and Callis celebrate the win as the show fades to back.
TOP PHOTO: Aubrey Edwards swings a guitar at Jay Lethal at AEW Dynamite taped on Wednesday, June 14, 2023, at the Capitol One Arena in Washington, DC, and aired on Friday, June 16, 2023. Photo by George Tahinos, georgetahinos.smugmug.com
