AEW Rampage: Lariats, Luchadors, and Limericks galore

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

Kip Sabian gives a surfboard to El Hijo Del Vikingo. Photo Courtesy of AEW.
Kip Sabian gives a surfboard to El Hijo Del Vikingo. Photo Courtesy of AEW.

It’s Friday Night, and you know what that means?

No, not to harass your employees in exchange for sexual favors (Seriously, not cool!). It’s time for AEW Rampage, and not only will we see Jon Moxley in action, but we have a four way match to see who will face Orange Cassidy on AEW Collision this Saturday for the International title.

Yeah, even I’m not feeling this. So, if I may channel my inner L.A. Knight, lemme talk to you in a long-awaited…

(Author’s Rant: Look, I want to give my all, but this is not blowing up my skirt as to how I can show my true talents. Granted, I could have done that at The Royal Rumble, but I’ve been away sampling many delicious libations, so I need to ease in, as it were.

So how to rectify this situation? I turned to my trusted friend of many years, Kilo, who believed this called for recaps in limerick form. He reasoned that next week would be fitting for Haikus in Review, but this will truly stretch my writing muscles.

Who am I to go against this sound logic? As in my life, and so in pro wrestling, I will take my friend’s advice. You should, too, because in my opinion, the world needs a Kilo.)

With that, we come to you (taped) from the Enmarket Arena in Savannah, GA. Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and “Daddy Magic” Matt Menard have the call, as your First Match of the Night is…

Courtesy of AEW

Jon Moxley vs. Lee Moriarty (with Shane Taylor)

Moriarty is already in The ring as Taylor is pacing outside. Either way, let’s kick off the poverty and powerslams.

*Ahem*

Moriarty shows his Taiga Style

But Mox is vicious by a mile.

Both men go toe to toe

And Moriarty has lots of offense to show,

Yet Mox chokes him out and leaves Moriarty in a pile.

Your Winner via Submission: Jon Moxley

After the match, Mox offers his hand as a show of respect, but Taylor sucker punches him and he and Moriartyy lay a beat down on the Death Rider.

To quote the great philosopher Bugs Bunny: Of course, you realize, this means war.

Renee Paquette is backstage with Anna Jay and “Cool Hand” Angelo Parker. Angie tells Jay he can’t be in her corner due to the history with him and Soho, but asks Jay if she made Harley Cameron kiss him to make Soho jealous. Jay slaps him and is fed up that she has their back and no one has hers. Jay then says that this match she is fighting for herself.

What about if Jack Perry can be in her corner? He’s not doing anything at the mo…

Oh, wait. I remember the problem behind that.

But we head back to ringside for…

Courtesy of AEW

Konosuke Takeshita (With Don Callis and The Callis Family) vs. Christopher Daniels

Daniel’s is already in the ring, and for some reason, my Smarky Sense™ says we’ve seen this match before. Either way, this should deserve more than this poor limerick, but I must commit to the bit.

*Ahem*

Daniels wants to take care of biz-iz-ness

Yet Takeshita’s fighting spirit is so vicious.

The Fallen Angel stages a comeback

But the Alpha gives him no slack

And a knee to his face is enough and the pin that signals the match finish.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Konosuke Takeshita

Callis gets on the mic and says they’ve taken out of the Golden Jets, and now Takeshita has his shot at Jericho. Fletcher objects and believes he got next. Callis agrees and says the kid has moxie and afterward there will be nothing left of Jericho.

Paquette has Top Flight and Private Party. They will have a tag team rematch. Andretti will be in their corner to ensure no funny business against his hydration homies.

Now we have women’s action with…

Courtesy of AEW

Anna Jay vs. Ruby Soho (with Saraya and Hayley Cameron)

This is Jay’s match with the hometown crowd cheering her on. Again, I wish more was here than my snarky poetry gives it. But again, I commit to the bit.

*Ahem*

Soho sneak attacks Jay

But the Queenslayer quickly makes her pay.

While the numbers of The Outcasts work against her,

The ref ejects them from ringside (trust me, I’m sure),

And with a blockbuster hit, Soho submits to Jay without delay.

Your Winner via Submission: Anna Jay

Paquette now talks to Eddie Kingston about getting respect except from Bryan Danielson. The Continental champ isn’t worried about that and says good luck to him facing Yuji Nagata on Collision. As for himself, he believes in respect, so that’s why he offers to give a shot to Willie Mack. Kingston explains they both came up in the Indies and promises that if Mack beats him he’ll have a shot at the Continental Crown.

We also get another Serena Deeb vignette, and with all deference to my editor John Powell on his latest op-ed of the women’s division, maybe she can be the one to bring the women together and get them focused rather than hit the pause button.

Speaking of reasons I wish I could hit pause, now for the Main Event for the…

Courtesy of AEW

Freshly Squeezed Four Way Match: Kip Sabian vs. The Butcher vs. El Hijo del Vikingo vs. Komander

This match is for a chance to face Orange Cassidy this Saturday on Collision for the AEW International Championship.

Yeah, you can feel the crowd go mild, too, eh? That is why I am not ashamed to limerick the hello out of this match!

*Ahem*

This match is a Pier Four brawl whereon

The luchadors, Sabian, and Butcher combine highspots and brawn with complete abandon.

The fans at ringside all begin to swoon

Once Sabian trips everyone up in the Tower of Doom,

And a huracanrana ensures Komander wins in a match that was a bit overdrawn.

Your Winner Via Pinfall: Komander

Orange Cassidy comes out and stares down the challenger and gives his respect ahead of their title match as the show comes to a close.

Top Photo: Kip Sabian gives a surfboard to El Hijo Del Vikingo. Photo Courtesy of AEW.

More Reports