AEW Collision: A Summer Blockbuster has a Final Reckoning

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

AEW Collision: A Summer Blockbuster has a Final Reckoning
Courtesy of AEW.

Folks…we did this last week. And apparently, we’re doing FOUR HOURS OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING…

A-GAYNE?!

So, I guess the rule of thumb is: If Movie Franchises can stretch things out longer than the audience’s patience, it’s all worth it.

Did I get that right?

I did?!

Ugh! Fine!!

Since “Superstar” Sulien Khan is covering the Dynamite portion, I shall “happily” cover the back half, even though I think this is going to be longer than the last “Mission: Impossible” movie.

Also, allow me a…

(Author’s Rant: I mean, seriously? Is four hours really what audiences need in a show that two f***ing hours can’t complete?!)

All right, I know I am complaining, and I realize TK and the Booker Monkeys™ have so much control.

That said, from the Theater of the Clouds at Moda Center in Portland, OR. We get to the overrun into the contract signing between Kenny Omega and Kaizuchika Okada, and the Best Bout Machine gets wheeled out on a stretcher, and Okada hits an elbow as blood spurts from his mouth.

Nigel McGuinness and Tony Schiavone have the call, with Adam Cole (Bay Bay) joining in.

Your First Match of the Night is…

Kyle Fletcher (with Lance Archer) vs. Anthony Bowens (with Billy Gunn)

Oh, and for the record, if you want me to care, Booker Monkeys™, treat your products like it is not an episode of WWE Main Event.

Yeah, I said it!

Since you won’t, know that I will cover this match with a Lucid Luchador Limerick in Review™:

*ahem*

Bowens hits him with all Five Tools,

But Fletcher takes him to the schools.

Things look bad for Bowens’ luck,

As Fletcher struts his stuff

Once he brain-busters Bowens. Such a fool.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Kyle Fletcher

Backstage, MJF cuts a promo, and Mystíco appears. He challenges the masked man at Grand Slam Mexico next week.

Wait. I gotta do this again?!

I think I need to talk to my editors about this!

Carlos Cabrera is in the ring to speak about the partnership of AEW and CMLL, and he welcomes both Atlantis and Atlantis Jr. to the ring. Of course, FTR and Stokely Hathaway spoil the party, and they run down both masked men. After a moment, they’ve had enough of Dax and Cash, and come to blows, and even Cole gets into the mix, as does the Don Callis Family.

Now, Brody King gets in the fray, and things get interesting.

Lexi Nair is backstage with Big Bill and Bryan Keith, talking about another tag team to step up. Enter The Workhorsemen, and they want to step up to the plate.

Yeah. That’s gonna be a thing.

Now the CEO, Mercedes Moné, comes out for commentary to a big spread of steak and all the accouterments, as the next match is between…

Julia Hart (with Skye Blue) vs. “Timeless” Toni Storm (with Luther)

Because time is a factor, allow me a Squared Circle Clerihew™ to get to the point:

*ahem*

Storm arrives with class,

Despite the activities from Hart that caused a morass.

But the fact is, Hart, with all the buildup,

Storm wins with a roll-up.

Your Winner via Pinfall: “Timeless” Toni Storm

Moné then enters and spoils Storm’s victory until Mina Shirakawa makes the save. She gets tossed out by the CEO, and Moné rubs the Women’s title in Storm’s face and tells her to kiss it goodbye.

Backstage, Nair is with Ricochet on his quest for gold to happen. Enter Lee Johnson and Blake Christian, and they offer their services. Ricochet says their playing make-believe since they can’t measure up to him.

I mean, that was harsh, but truthful.

a-HA!

Now for trios action with…

Tomohiro Ishii, Mark Briscoe, and Willow Nightingale vs. MxM (Mansoor and Madden) and Taya Valkyrie (with Johnny TV)

Again, I love the individuals.

I hate how the match was put together.

Therefore, enjoy this Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

Intergender flash

Shows a lot of Power.

Gutwrench power wins

Your Winners: Tomohiro Ishii, Mark Briscoe, and Willow Nightingale

Meanwhile, Kris Statlander is pissed off, as Wheeler Yuta reaches out and understands her position….

Now for…

The Beast Morton vs.Bandido (with The OutRunners)

Why is this happening?

Who cares?

Oh, right. I do. Especially as I recap this as a Squared Circle Clerihew™:

*ahem*

Morton is such a beast

And the lucha is a feast.

Yet, Bandido hits a slam,

And gets the three count. Impressive, man.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Bandido

Renee Paquette is backstage with Mercedes Moné on what she whispered to Toni Storm. She says that’s between them, but what she wants to do is collect another belt, like the CMLL Women’s championship.

Enter Zexus and says in Spanish, “En proximasemana”

Then, in another part of the arena, “Hangman” Adam Page meets the Young Bucks, and they talk circles around him, as it relates to bringing the AEW World title back to The Elite. Page is having none of it and explains that if he burns down another home, he’ll trap them inside. Then a door opens, and Prince Nana asks Swerve Stickland if he heard all that. Swerve acknowledges he heard every word.

Now for Women’s action between…

Queen Aminata vs. Thekla

You know what’s gonna take place, so allow me a Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

Thekla draws in

Her web. Aminata gets

A Toxic Kiss

Your Winner via Submission: Thekla

Nair speaks with Kip Sabian and Nick Wayne. Christian Cage and his mom aren’t around because they want to give Wyane space, but he wants to talk up his performance in the Best Of the Super Juniors tournament.

Sabian states he’s happy for him and can’t help but wonder where he’d be without him.

Ugh. The Patriarchy.

We get a revisit of the contract signing and how Omega was taken to a hospital.

Now for the Main Event between…

Hechicero, Josh Alexander, Konosuke Takeshita, Lance Archer (with Rocky Romero and Trent Beretta) vs, The Paragon (Adam Cole, Roderick Strong, Kyle O’Reilly) and Daniel Garcia (with Rocky”Daddy Magic” Matt Menard)

Jesus Marimba! Is Teddy Long part of the Booker Monkeys™?

Either way, let me end this with a Lucid Luchador Limerick in Review™:

*ahem*

The action between the eight men ensues,

And each man pays their dues.

Paragon gets in their offense,

And then things get crazy, hence

Once Alexander gets a suplex in. So, Yeah. We’re through.

Your Winners: Hechicero, Josh Alexander, Konosuke Takeshita, Lance Archer

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