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AEW Collision (and Rampage): Amazing first half; anemic second half

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

It’s Saturday night, and it’s all right for fighting (especially if you’re waiting for the PsyOp to take place next Sunday when the Kansas City Cheifs defeat the San Francisco 49ers according to Taylor Swift, who wants you to re-elect Joe Biden.  Wake up, sheeple!!)

Before I get more unhinged than that, All Elite Wrestling not only has more action as the stars of CMLL face off against the Blackpool Combat Club, but Tomohiro Ishii faces Orange Cassidy for the International championship.

But let’s make sure you have the …

Rapid Rampage Review in Rhyme™

*ahem*

The Undisputed Kingdom overcome Best Friends,

And Matthew and Nicholas Jackson beat jobbers to set some trends.

Mistico beat Matt Sydal (and didn’t blow a spot),

Plus Kris Statlander and Willow Nightingale defeated Saraya and Ruby Soho (which is saying a lot).

With that action above, it makes you wonder when these Rampage Recaps in Rhyme ever ends.

 

Now let’s get you to…

AEW Collision

We are live from the Dollar Loan Center in Las Vegas, NV. Nigel McGuinness, Kevin Kelly, and Tonya Schiavone have the call, and your First Match of the Night is…

Courtesy of AEW

Star Jr. and Esfinge vs. Jon Moxley and Claudio Castagnoli

We get a little recap from this past AEW Dynamite as the CMLL stars took the fight to the Blackpool Combat Club, and even McGuinness is right in calling this, “a clash of styles.”  Star and Mox start the match and the luchador keeps the brawler grounded with a surfboard.  Castagnoli breaks the submission, and then the luchadors go to dive but fake out the Club much to their chagrin.  Esfinge faces Castagnoli and gets a Big Swing for his troubles, then Star comes back in and gets a head scissors/arm drag takedown of both men and he and Esfinge do stereo topes to the outside.

Star goes for a springboard and Castagnoli catches him with a European uppercut and during Picture in Picture, he and Mox make the masked man a Lucha in Peril.  Castagnoli whips Star to the ropes and gets a huracanrana and once he tags in Esfinge he becomes a Sphinx en Fuego.  Esfinge attempts a deathlock variation to a bridge but Castagnoli knocks him off.  Starr attacks Castagnoli on the outside with a twisting tornillo and Esfinge connects with a splash on Mox for a two count.  A King Kong lariat by Mox followed by La Magistral to Esfinge gets him a two count.  They go blow for blow until Star tags in and Castagnoli catches him and lifts him in a gorilla press and sends him to Mox for a cutter to cover for a pin, and Esfinge breaks the count.  Finally, the Riccola Bomb to Esfinge stops the luchador, leaving Mox free to rain elbows to Star Jr. as he cinches an armbar to make him tap out.

Your Winners via Submission:  Claudio Castagnoli and Jon Moxley

Mox gets on the mic and sends a “Gracias” to the CMLL starts. He also says that if anyone wants to step up, they will get stepped on.  Well, that brings FTR out from the back, and Harwood and Wheeler give them a stare-down, and fisticuffs fly quickly.

Now Daddy Magic is on commentary since heading to the ring it’s…

Daniel Garcia vs. Shane Taylor (with Lee Moriarty)

This is a tale of power (Taylor) versus quickness (Garcia), and power is proving to be an advantage for Taylor, as he chops him down in the corner.  Garcia hits back and gets Taylor in an ankle lock but he grabs the bottom ropes to break the hold.  Garcia targets his knee but then gets sent out of the ring, and during Picture in Picture, Taylor just throws him hard to the barricades.  He sends him back to the ring and adds more offense to injury, and then…

(Sigh…Ads.  No emoji can properly convey my annoyance at this.)

We come back and Garcia tries to fight back to no avail.  Taylor goes for a leg drop on the apron edge and misses.  That allows Garcia to target the bad knee to hobble Taylor further but he manages to nail him with a powerbomb.  He goes for a double underhook piledriver but Garcia escapes and then they jockey back and forth until Taylor attempts a leg drop that misses.  That gives Garcia the opportunity for a heel hook to Taylor that makes the big man tap out.

Your Winner via Submission:  Daniel Garcia

We head back to last week as Darby Allin and Sting defeated Ricky Starks and Big Bill to become the AEW World Tag Team champions.  But the victory was short-lived since Matthew and Nicholas Jackson bloodied and beat the new champs to send a message, as EVPs are wont to do.

That brings us to Lexy Nair who is backstage with Eddie Kingston.  He ain’t happy with the Bucks, nor with Bryan Danielson continuing to snub him at the expense of other talent like Bryan Keith last week.   and challenges him to a match at the Revolution PP, but the stipulation is after he wins Danielson must shake Kingston’s hand.

 

Now your next match (and I say this loosely) is a handicap match between…

Brian Cage (with Prince Nana) vs. The Outrunners (Truth Magnum and Turbo Floyd)

The Outrunners have fun with the Vegas Golden Knights mascot, Chance, before the match.  Now I know we saw this same match with Hook  last week, so I shall treat it the same …with a Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

Who bettah than Cage?

Not Magnum nor Floyd is great.

Submission ends it.

Your Winner via Submission:  Brian Cage

After the match, Chance dances with Nana, and Cage clubs him. That brings out Hook, and he and Cage swing for the fences to the back.

Lexy Nair is with the Undisputed Kingdom and Ishii. Roderick tells ISHII he’s been waiting for this for eight years and promises he will take the International title from him. The Stone Pitbull stares at them.

Schiavone is in the ring with Adam Copeland about the title picture, but he still wants to face Christian Cage for the AEW TNT title.  That brings Daniel Garcia out from the back with a mic facing Adam Copeland and he says he deserves a shot at TNT Title with the wins he’s compiled of late. Copeland proposes they fight on Dynamite next week and the last man standing will face Christian Cage. They shake on it but Copeland holds his hand a little longer and says he will beat him down to get that shot.

Renee Paquette is backstage with Stokely Hathaway, Kris Statlander, and Willow Nightingale. Statlander and Nightingale note their problems of late with Julia Hart and Skye Blue being thorns in their side, and Statlander suggests to Hathaway that he make an official match. Hathaway says he would, but Tony Khan blocked him.

Huh.  So someone lost their stroke.

Now back to the ring for…

Courtesy of AEW

Mark Briscoe vs. Brody King (with Julia Hart)

King tries to overpower Briscoe but can’t handle his Red Neck Kung Fu.  King shoves him off and nails a cannonball in the corner.  King is in full control, but a Briscoe fights back and sends him to the outside and nails a blockbuster.  Briscoe comes back in with a chair, and Briscoe with a step-up somersault senton to the outside.  Now he pulls out a table and then goes to dive on King but he catches him and dumps him on a chair in the corner of the barricades.  During Picture in Picture, King brutalizes the Sandy Fork, DE man, and then nails him with a Boss Man Slam for a two count, and Briscoe comes back with some Redneck Kung Fu.  He mounts King with punches, and bites (or gums him, depending on your point of view) on the face before kicking him out of the ring.  Briscoe then connects with a twisting moonsault on King and then goes back in the ring with a lariat that barely fazes him.  King unleashes elbows on Briscoe’s head as well as his lariat for a  two count.

Briscoe comes back with a DVD to King and he climbs up the top turnbuckle but Hart distracts him and King sends him crashing to the table below.  One Godzilla Bomb ends it for Briscoe.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Brody King

After the match, Hart punctures Briscoe with a spike, leaving him a bloody mess.

Bryan Keith cuts a promo about whether his opponent is good, bad, or ugly, he is all about a payday.

Now for women’s action with…

Courtesy of AEW

Deonna Purrazzo vs. Kiera Hogan

This is mostly a tune-up in anticipation of her match with Storm, so Here’s your next Haiku in Review™:

*Ahem*

Virtuosa is

Dominant.  One Venus De

Milo ends the match.

(here’s the full match if ya want it)

Your Winner via Submission:  Deonna Purrazzo

Purrazzo basks in her victory until that brings out…

Courtesy of AEW

“Timeless” Toni Storm (with Luther and Mariah May) vs. Queen Aminata

Yeah, same deal as above.  Here’s another Haiku in Review™, plus the actual match if you missed it:

*ahem*

Aminata is

Great, but she is not Timeless.

Storm Zero wins it.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  “Timeless” Toni Storm

Storm gets on the mic and tells Schiavone to stop looking at her like that. Storm proclaims it was a technical show of brilliance, and she announces she will drop a new film next week on “Di-yah-no-mite.” She also wants Purrazzo to remember that despite all her maneuvers she is “a waterlined (sic) bunghole.”

Storm’s film is called Wet Ink. To quote Schiavone, “Yikes!

And for some reason, this is your Main Event and it’s supposedly for the…

Courtesy of AEW

AEW International Championship: Orange Cassidy (c) vs. Tomohiro Ishii

But first, an…

(Author’s Rant: There are things in my life I can set my watch to: Death, Taxes, and Orange Cassidy retaining his title.

I mean it’s one thing if this match was earlier in the show…but the main event?!

One of two things has to be true. Either AEW bookers didn’t want to put anything too think-y because of upstaging the PsyOp that is “SwiftBowlGate”, or they were really, really, ridiculously lazy.

No matter the reason, I have come to this conclusion.

They don’t want to put forth the effort, so why should I? I won’t even deign to do a Haiku or a Squash recipe. Not even a limerick. So here’s what gonna happen until the bookers decide to actually do something interesting with Cassidy and the International title. Until they make a match that’ll make me give two s**** about doing a proper recap, I’m just gonna jump right to the result. No blow-by-blow recap, no snark, no nothing. Because, like Cassidy, I just feel his matches are like his character…whatever.

End Rant.)

That said you can watch the match here:

In the time it took me to write that, Cassidy gets a rollup on Ishii and…

Your Winner and still AEW International Champion:  Orange Cassidy

Before he can celebrate the win, The Undisputed Kingdom comes out and gives Cassidy a spike Piledriver.

Ishii and Beretta run them off but this is far from over as the show fades to black.

2.5

Final Thoughts:

So the First Half of Collision is a “4” easily due to the work by Mox/Castagnoli and the luchadors, plus King/Garcia and the promo Garcia had with Copeland.  As for the second half, other than the work by Storm and Purrazzo, respectively, the Main Event was as dull as dishwater.

Well, enjoy the PsyOp Bowl you Swiftie sheeple, and see ya in seven!

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