It’s Saturday Night and it’s still all right for fighting (even though this won’t be the year to finish a certain story…or is it like a side mission in an RPG?).

Either way, All Elite Wrestling will have Bryan Danielson facing the best CMLL has to offer, and FTR and Daniel Garcia look to make an example of Christian Cage’s Patriarchy.  Never has a man with daddy issues been more frightening to behold.  But enough about Donald Trump, Jr.

We’ll get into the action in a minute, but I think it’s time for my long-awaited…

Rapid Rampage Review In Rhyme™

*ahem*

Top Flight beat Private Party with little haste,

and Ricky Starks and Big Bill left destroyed The Dark Order, leaving them debased.

Willow Nightingale defeated Queen Aminata despite the “help” of Stokely Hathaway,

And CMLL’s Rudos put an end to Christopher Daniels, Matt Menard, Angelo Parker, and Matt Sydall without delay.

It should stand to reason Rampage should be a lot better in ratings.  Such a waste!

Now let’s get you up to speed for your…

AEW Collision

We come to you from the Bert Ogden Arena in Edinburg, Texas. Nigel McGuiness, Tonya Schiavone, and Kevin Kelly have the call, and your First Match of the Night is…

Courtesy of AEW.

Continental Crown Proving Grounds Match: Eddie Kingston(c) vs. “The Bounty Hunter” Bryan Keith

Keith chops right away at Kingston, who appears more irritated than hurt.  From there, it’s chops ahoy as Kingston gets his groove on.  They butt heads (literally) knocking each other out silly, but Kingston recovers first and is in control. But don’t count out The Bounty Hunter as Keith kicks his knee and then nails a roundhouse kick for a two count.  Outside they battle as Keith whips Kingston to the barricades, and then sends him back in the ring to cover for another two count.  Keith rushes and Kingston gives him a belly-to-belly suplex and during Picture in Picture, he continues to chop him down further.

The King of the Bums doesn’t let up and even when he gets sent out, Keith launches with a somersault senton.  He follows with a slam but can’t hook the leg and Kingston kicks out.  Kingston fires back with an exploder suplex, and Keith comes back and gives the receipt with his exploder.  A backfist by Kingston misses and Keith connects with a Liger Bomb for one, two…wow, that was a close one.

Now he lands the backfist and adds a Saito suplex for a two count on Keith.   Kingston sends him in the corner and gives the Kobashi machine gun chops.  Keith comes back with a pop-up enzugiri, and then Kingston reverses to a sleeper and then transitions to a DDT for another two count.  The straps come down and Kingston delivers a third backfist that ends it in three.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Eddie Kingston

Schiavone is in the ring for the post-interview of Kingston, but the Triple Crown champ says to give it to Keith instead. He also announces Keith is All Elite, and then Kingston and Keith shake hands and embrace.

But then the stylized “Flight of the Valkyries” song reminds me that I love the smell of cockiness in the morning as The American Dragon comes down the ring and raises Keith’s hand in victory as he dismisses Kingston.

There was a quick recap of when Mox got beat by the CMLL rudos on AEW Dynamite this past Wednesday, and he pontificates on that bad behavior.

But that is a fight for another day as we head back to the ring for your next match between…

Courtesy of AEW.

Hechicero vs. Bryan Danielson

McGuiness puts over Hechicero (which is Spanish for “wizard”) as an “an alchemist in the ring” and is something of a submission specialist in CMLL.  There’s no eye patch for Danielson so let’s hear it for depth perception.

The match has both men showing off their technical prowess at the beginning, and Hechicero is more than a match for the American Dragon.  Danielson goes for a leg lock variation, and then they go back and forth until he goes for a surfboard, but Hechicero escapes and gives him a taste of his own medicine.  Danielson takes him up top, and Hechicero counters the huracanrana with a sunset flip.  He outwrestles the American Dragon at every turn and lands a guillotine leg scissors drop on Danielson.

Seriously, he’s like Mexico’s answer to Zack Sabre, Jr.

Hechicero flips him over for a choke, and Danielson reaches the ropes to break the submission hold.  During Picture in Picure, Hechicero flies out with a knee in the face to Danielson and keeps up the offense on the outside.  Things are going the wizard’s way and then…

Ads (Can I just say during my sabbatical I did not miss this one gods damned bit?)

We’re back and Hechicero pummels him in the corner and then he whips him into the corner, but Danielson flips over him and hits the ropes.  Hechicero gets double knees in the corner and Hechicero punches up top, but Danielson head-butts him off.  He dives from the top rope and Hechicero catches him with a variation of the La Magistral submission pin for a two count.  Now things get lucha lit as Hechicero lands with a tope to the Dragon on the outside.  Danielson comes back with a double underhook suplex to transition to the Lebelle Lock and the masked man escapes to put his own unique leg submission on him, but Danielson reaches the ropes.  Then he fires back with Yes kicks but gets caught in a hammerlock spin by Hechicero.

He goes for a knee in the corner that misses the mark, and Danielson nails him with a dragon screw leg whip.  The Busaiku knee misses, and then both men jockey for position until The American Dragon rolls him up for the pin and the win.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Bryan Danielson

After the match, Hechicero blindsides until Claudio Castagnoli comes in and makes the save from the masked rudo.  You know this is far from over.

Lexi Nair is backstage with Garcia and FTR. They closed the chapter with House of Black, but are starting a new chapter by facing Cage’s patriarchy. Top Guys, out.

Now for a two-on-one handicap match with…

Hook vs. The OutRunners (Turbo Floyd and  Truth Magnum)

The only two things notable about this match is that ring announcer Dasha Gonzalez got a bit tongue-tied with Magnum and Floyd’s name.  Also, I can’t help but feel despite his match with Samoa Joe this feels like the booking team is taking too many steps back in presenting everyone in a better light or forward momentum.  So, that means it feels like a Haiku In Review™:

*ahem*

Send in Hook to give

Turbo and Truth a beat down.

Red Rum finishes.

Your Winner via Submission:  Hook

Your Losers:  The Booking Team (seriously, what gives?!)

Back in the ring with Schiavone is Mark Briscoe, and he reminisces on watching wrestling on TV with his older brother Jay and seeing Schiavone interview the stars of yesteryear. After twenty years as one-half of Dem Boys, he’s flying solo but he will fight some more.

Then the lights go out, and The House of Black appears on the Khan Tron and Malakai Black promises to eradicate him, with a snap of his fingers.

More on the Cope Open by the Rated R Superstar himself.

But we head back to the ring for women’s action with…

Courtesy of AEW.

Serena Deeb vs. Queen Aminata

I gotta say, Aminata is pulling double duty after wrestling on Rampage.  She is growing on me as a wrestler, but it’s the Professor of Professional Wrestling who takes Aminata to school.  However, the Guinea, West African grappler is no slouch, even though Deeb just puts on a wrestling clinic that is like watching a female Dean Malenko work her voodoo that she’ll do so well.  Aminata pumps the brakes with a slam to turnbuckle and during Picture in Picture, Aminata is in the driver’s seat.  Deeb fights back, but Aminata keeps on offense but can’t quite put The Professor away.  She punches and then nails Aminata with a discus forearm, and Deeb follows with a guillotine neckbreaker between ropes and a cover for a two count.  She and Aminata swing around jockeying for position, and all the spinning makes her dizzy and Deeb gets a backslide for a count of two.  Aminata comes back with a queen-sized head butt and then nails a hip attack that finds the mark.

She attempts the face wash and misses, so Deeb takes advantage with a figure four around the post a la Bret Hart and attempts her Detox finisher and Aminata blocks. Now she cinches in the Serenity Lock and Aminata quickly taps out.

Your Winner via Submission:  Serena Deeb

Schiavone is earning his money tonight, especially since Texas knows it’s Swerve’s House.  Strickland reminds everyone including Schiavone that it’s Black History Month, and gives a shout-out to pioneers like Ron Simmons, and then he gives props to people like Kofi Kingston and Athena.  He adds there’s another name to include for black accomplishments, and that’s his. He admits he did some bad things to get here, but doesn’t mind it at all. As for this Wednesday facing Hangman Adam Page, Strickland makes it clear he’s in the way of making him great, and after he beats him he will become Black History.

Prince Nana says the Mogul Embassy will be there in force this Wednesday, but Strickland tells him no interference because he won’t give Page an excuse.

“Timeless” Toni Storm exclaims how very dare Deonna Purrazzo show her up! She needs to plan a public workout, so she orders Luther to prepare the Cranberry juice and gauze.

Honestly, this is the best thing I’ve seen in years.  It’s engaging and quirky and makes fans take notice.

Now for the antithesis of everything I just said…

Red Velvet vs. Vert Vixen

Yeah, no matter what Velvet has in the oven, it smells like a squash.  So time for another Haiku In Review™:

*ahem*

Velvet stirs it up

With Vixen, and lays her out

With a three count. Done.

https://twitter.com/AEW/status/1753969091482726634

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Red Velvet

Now it’s time for the Main Event and “Daddy Magic” Matt Menard comes out at commentary because he is the perfect person to get into the psyche of this trios match between…

Courtesy of AEW.

The Patriarchy (Christian Cage, Nick Wayne, and Killswitch, with Shayna Wayne) vs. FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) and Daniel Garcia

The bell rings and Harwood and Wayne start the match, and he takes the young man to the proverbial wood chipper.  A Tag to Cage and he shows the Top Guy that Father Knows Best in the squared circle.  Tag back to Wayne and he shows some spunk until Garcia gets the tag and they attempt quick tags to no avail. Wayne teases Garcia with his dance, and he doesn’t like that as he sends him and Cage out of the ring.  Killswitch comes in but FTR put their dukes up and dance.

During Picture in Picture, Wayne gets over Garcia and cuts the ring in half and all three members of The Patriarchy ensure he is a Dragon Tamer in Peril, and then…

Yep, you guessed it.

There are Ads (I’m just so done with the Monkeys in the Truck.  Honestly!)

We come back and The Patriarchy are still having their way with Garcia.  He almost gets a sunset flip for two and Cage kicks out.  He goes for a frog splash and belly flops as Garcia gets out of the way in time, gets the hot tag to Wheeler, and now he is a Top Guy en Fuego.

Killswitch gets in on the fun and proves to be the difference maker in the match.  FTR cuts down the big man with a high/low tackle, but Wayne sneaks and rolls up Harwood for a two count.  He goes up for a moonsault and Harwood cuts him off at the pass and gives a backdrop superplex to cover for a pin, and Killswitch stops the count.  Harwood attempts a piledriver on the big man and Killswitch backdrops him off.  Cage snaps his neck back on the top rope and Killswitch connects with a choke slam and Wayne covers for another two count.

During another Picture in Picture, Cage is back in control and isolates Harwood in the Patriarchy corner.  He tries to fight back and gives Wayne a desperation backdrop. Cage tags in and tosses him out, then sends Harwood back in the ring and Cage loads up his Killswitch finisher, but he escapes and they butt heads hard.  Harwood crawls to his corner, and now the hot tag is to Garcia and it’s a Dance Dance Revolution in the ring.  He and Wheeler mount Cage and Wayne in the corner with ten punches and an Irish whip by the Patriarchy turns to a doe-see-doe as Garcia and Wheeler make them collide with each other.

Wheeler dives to the outside on Killswitch to lay him out.  Garcia attempts the Dragon Tamer and Wayne rakes his eyes, then shoves him hard into the turnbuckles, and nails a fisherman’s suplex for a count of two.  Wayne showboats a bit and taunts Garcia, but he’s playing possum and rolls up The Prodigy for a quick two count.  Garcia comes back with a big swinging neckbreaker for another two count, and he climbs up the top turnbuckle but Cage stops him.  He gets shoved off and Wayne catches with a cutter as Cage and Harwood battle outside. The match starts to devolve into chaos despite the ref’s attempts to maintain order and everyone unloads the heavy ammo.  Wayne misses a spear, and Garcia rolls him up as the ref counts one, two, and three.

Your Winners via Pinfall:  FTR and Daniel Garcia

After the match, Garcia dances in celebration with FTR.  Then he and Cage have a staredown as The Father Figure drapes the TNT title on his shoulder, so he could potentially be the next in line for the belt.  That is a mystery for another day as the show fades to black.

 

Top Photo:  Daniel Garcia punches Nick Wayne (left) while Cash Wheeler does the same to Christian Cage on the opposite end of the ring.