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AEW Rampage: Haiku in Review V – The Final Frontier

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

Swerve Strickland and Prince Nana laughing at the state of booking (as far as you know) on this AEW Rampage.

It’s Saturday night and you know what that means? Yep, we’re rescheduling AEW Rampage from its Friday night to Saturday night viewing due to the NHL and NBA Playoffs, and in the main event, we have The Mogul Embassy in Brian Cage and Swerve Strickland facing The Dark Order’s John Silver and Alex Reynolds.

You know what this also means, right? It means two things:

All Elite Wrestling is quickly moving Rampage to replace AEW DARK, as they seem to have given up on anything interesting to counter-program against WWE on the weekends, at least until next June when they will give us “AEW Collision.”

Also, it’s time for everyone’s favorite pastime:  me writing Haikus in Review™.

When Tony Khan wants to care about shows other than AEW Dynamite, I will put the same thought and care into my recaps.

We come to you (taped) from the Little Caesar’s Arena in Detroit, MI.  Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Jim Ross have the call as we start with…

Courtesy of AEW

The Acclaimed (Max Caster, Anthony Bowens, and Billy Gunn) vs. Kip Sabian, The Butcher, and The Blade

*ahem*

Trios action with

Caster, Bowens, and Gunn means

Mic Drop. Scissor me!

Your Winners via Pinfall:  The Acclaimed

We have the latest from QTV, and this is what they provided on Rampage:

Got that?  Now here’s my Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

QTV is proof

TMZ is genius

By a low bar. Sigh!

Now it’s time for the women to shine with the next match of the night between…

Courtesy of AEW

Toni Storm (with Saraya and Ruby Soho) vs. Allysin Kay

It’s been a while since we last saw the AK-47 in a wrestling ring, but the fans are happy to cheer on the Michigan native in her hometown.  Kay can definitely tear the house down, but that is not meant to be tonight.  With that said…

*ahem*

Kay’s a badass

But Outcast numbers trip her

Up. Storm Zero. Fin.

Your Winners via Pinfall:  Toni Storm

Afterward, The Outcasts give Kay a new paint job, but she doesn’t look too good in green.

The Gunns, Austen and Colton, have something to say about teams leapfrogging them for the AEW World Tag Team Championships but they want a rematch with FTR, as is their right.  Well, Ethan Page has a problem that needs their help, too, and the Gunns are happy to help their old friend.

Now for something different, here’s…

Courtesy of AEW

Kyle Fletcher vs. Action Andretti (with Darius Martin)

Fletcher comes to ringside brandishing not only the NJPW STRONG Tag Team belt but also the IWGP Tag Team championship that he and his Aussie Open companion Mark Davis wear.  Excalibur talks about wanting singles gold and that he is eyeing the AEW International title held by Orange Cassidy.

Gee, I wonder how that match will go? (double sigh!)

Andretti’s stock seems to have fallen a tad in AEW, but that is not a question of his talent.  Merely a matter of the booking committee not sure what else to do with the young star after feuding with Jericho and company.  As for the match itself…?

*ahem*

Andretti has action,

But Fletcher clips high flying

Star, spiking to mat.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Kyle Fletcher

After the match, Fletcher gives the half thumbs up to send a message to Cassidy.  Personally, I would love for anyone to take the belt off of Cassidy at this point, but I’m not holding my breath that Fletcher will be the one.

We get a recap of the brutal cage match and the betrayal of Kenny Omega at the hands of Don Callis. 

Now Schiavone is in the ring with The Hardys and the newly-christened Brother Zay (or the Artist Formerly Known as Isaiah Kassidy….take yer pick) to talk about the Firm Deletion. Matt says their contracts with The Firm are Deleted!  Also, The Firm also has been Deleted!  Now, he and Jeff want the AEW Tag Team titles. and that leads to The Gunns interrupting the interview.  They bear the message of Ethan Page, saying he wants all three men, and Matt wants no part of it.  But he and Jeff will fight The Gunns and if they win, they’ll control Page’s contract, with Matt suggesting turnabout is fair play.  The Gunns agree and head off, but not before Matt gives a parting shot at dealing with The Ass Boys.

Even with Mark Henry around, I just can’t get into the Main Event.  This is what they had to say…

You feeling it?  Because I’m tapped out before we get the Main Event that is…

Courtesy of AEW

The Mogul Embassy (Brian Cage and Swerve Strickland with Prince Nana) vs. The Dark Order (John Silver and Alex Reynolds, with Evil Uno)

Okay, folks.  Let’s get this over with.

*ahem*

Swerve and Cage give The

Dark Order a finish in

Stereo.  Merger complete.

Your Winners via Pinfall:  Swerve Strickland and Brian Cage

After the match, The Mogul Embassy want to cause more damage to Evil Uno, but then the Naturally Limitless team of Keith Lee and Dusty Rhodes come out with some hardware and they chase off the Moguls to save The Dark Order.  Strickland still mocks his former tag partner Lee and this feud is not going to end anytime soon.

Mercifully, though, this show ends.

AEW Rampage - 05/13/2023
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Final Thoughts in Haiku:

My gods, this show was

So uninspiring. Please

Collision, be better.

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