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‘Nikki Bella Says I Do’: They really did it

Melissa Merlot

Here we are in Paris for the last episode of Nikki Bella Says I Do and the wedding is in just two days — looks like we made it. Our couple is reunited and I guess it feels so good. Artem and Matteo arrive in Paris from Turkey. Nicole is thrilled to see them.

My heart goes out to Turkey by the way. It was the happy place in this series and the devastation from the earthquake it just suffered is so tragic and incomprehensible. Hoping they will be able to rebuild and heal from it as best they can.

Getting back to our couple they are riding a carousel with Matteo while dodging all the issues they should be discussing. In their private interviews they keep saying they need to talk about the fight. But they aren’t going to. The merry-go-round is the perfect metaphor for them. They will marry and go around and around the same issues for years.

With the wedding being in two days they have enough drama without constantly bringing up this fight. The producers probably keep pushing it to try and keep things spicy. But we all know Nicole will just tell Artem how he feels about things anyway. That’s his life now. She does compliment him on looking “French” because he’s wearing a blue and white striped shirt. Geez stereotype much there Nicole? If only he had a beret.

Artem meets up with Gleb, his best man, and someone he can actually talk about his feelings with. So of course Artem brings up the fight, again. Gleb tells him that communication is important in a marriage and Artem agrees and brings up patience and understanding as important too. Alright but does he know who he is marrying? She has a much different skill set.

Gleb tells us he’s worried about Artem because he knows Artem doesn’t like a lot of drama. He also tells us he doesn’t want Artem to be in a one-sided marriage. Well Gleb, your worries are valid. The bromance is strong with these two.

Nicole and Artem are going on a date to talk. That just fills me with anxiety. They are getting married in two days why have a stress date now? Soon they can have stress dates forever.

They are talking about the fight over dinner. Artem is explaining how he feels and Nicole keeps trying to answer for him. It’s sad to watch. It’s not fun reality TV either — it’s just sad. Glad that Artem is expressing himself but I just wish Nicole was listening.

So the stress date went well. We learned that Artem doesn’t appreciate Nicole enough while she’s not listening to him. So now it’s off to a surprise dance party. They are dancing in the streets of Paris with their friends. Anything is better than the carousel of pain dinner date.

The screen flashes 1 Day until the wedding. But it’s over, E Network, so I’m not anxious about it anymore. It’s obvious the E Network arranged everything and just threw in all the hurry to play with our emotions. Especially since today they are having a beautiful rehearsal dinner on a boat cruise.

Honestly, I’m the one who is mad after their fight discussion date. They resolved nothing. Nicole couldn’t compromise on a two for one discount if her life depended on it. The fact that everything is going so smoothly now just annoys me more. It makes me sick that the boat cruise is so breathtaking. It’s seriously gorgeous just end the show here please, I’ve had enough.

Okay we officially made it. The screen flashes that it’s the wedding day. Finally but there is still an hour left of this foolishness. That’s right the grand conclusion episode is extra long. Nicole and Brie are eating an impressive breakfast spread. The happy couple is interviewing together now for us about how happy they are. My stomach is also annoyed by all this and I may have to pause it to puke.

Alright a word of advice if you do decide to watch this show — do it on an empty stomach. Nicole is with her glam squad getting all pretty. The venue is beautiful. The cake looks wonderful. But my God, the dresses aren’t steamed! A few wrinkles could trigger a Nicole Smash to everything. That actually would make this show great. A Bridezilla smackdown would make it all worth it.

But nothing exciting happens … they just steam the dresses. They build it up like a big deal but then it’s nothing. Now they are doing the same thing with Artem not being there yet. But wait he’s there. But now where are the rings? So much fake drama with this episode I can’t take it.

They are really pushing the mystery of the rings. This is probably how they made this episode so long. Lots of them looking for rings. Where are the rings? My precious! We get it rings are important but just mime it or borrow some. In the words of Tim Gunn, “Make it work” … oh Project Runway take me away.

The wedding is 55 minutes late. The rings aren’t the only issue as Nicole is still getting ready. Artem is very upset about the rings and Brie and Gleb are trying to console him. Just get married already.

Finally they are starting an hour and a half late. Guess they did borrow rings. Hope their vows aren’t too wordy — this could take all night now. Everyone is waiting and Artem’s family is watching live via technology. That actually makes me very happy to see.

Nicole walks out and she is beautiful. Artem is waiting for her and he looks great. Their vows are lots of dancing puns and sweetness. It is a lovely wedding. Now kiss you two and end this E Network cash grab.

During the ceremony we find out Matteo got sick and puked. Guess watching it in real life also causes nausea. The nanny took him back to the hotel. They call and find out he’s feeling better, so back to the wedding. They start toasting and getting toasty. Gleb shows slides of him and Artem in just their underwear. Not sure why, but I guess all is fair in the name of bromance.

Then they have their first dance. Which kicks in a montage of their relationship with Nicole talking about how great it’s been.

We did it!

The show is over and now they are married. Good luck to them on their new life together they will need it especially now that they don’t have the E Network to lean on. Thank you for joining me on this journey now go get toasty too, you’ve earned it.

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