E! has inflicted another Bellas show on the world. Nikki Bella Says I Do has debuted, featuring — you guessed it! — Nikki Bella and her husband/victim Artem Chigvintsev. For the SlamWrestling.net coverage, we turned to comedian Melissa Merlot. We needed the laughs.

Episode 1

Nikki Bella Says I Do and Artem says okay. Since we all know who wears the pants in their relationship and that’s Brie.

Here we are in Napa Valley with the happy family out shopping. Cut to Nichole talking about how perfect everything in her life is right now. So of course time to shake things up with her super stressful pop up dream wedding with all the bells and whistles that Pinterest has promised her for years. That certainly won’t put any strain on the relationship. Even if it does at least E Network is picking up the bill, hopefully they are because the Bellas have very expensive tastes.

Now we get a recap of their love story. They met four years ago when he was her Dancing with the Stars season 700 partner. That show will never stop thanks to the abundance of reality stars nowadays. Nikki has to tell us that the chemistry between them was perfect. Thank goodness she fills us in on all the chemistry they have together because if you blink you might miss it.

At least Artem never served her a 75-page cohabitation contract the way John Cena did. Nothing takes the romance and excitement out of a WrestleMania proposal like a 75-page legal document just to live in the same house. That’s still one of the craziest things I have ever seen on reality TV and I used to watch Flavor of Love.

Now we’re at the brunch birthday party for the twins’ babies. Matteo and Buddy turned two and their birthday cake is adorable. Brie has to remind us of how competitive her and Nicole are as they race in tiny cars. The two-year olds are driving thankfully since the competitive moms were probably competitively drinking mimosas before the race.

We see Nicole tell Brie that her and Artem are going to get married, in four weeks. Brie is shocked. My anxiety is also shocked. No way can she plan her dream wedding in four weeks even with all the E! Network money they might throw her way. Brie tells her husband Bryan. He brings up that isn’t enough time to plan what she wants. Bryan seems like the voice of reason in this so I’m doubting we will hear much from him.

With no time to waste Nicole and Brie are now out looking for venues. Being in the beautiful Napa Valley I’m sure everywhere is booked out months in advance. But hey this is Nikki Bella and it has to be the perfect wedding no matter what the time frame is. Reality stars have no concept of reality.

Nicole and Brie are checking out a gorgeous venue. Nicole is now talking about getting a full orchestra with ballet dancers. You can see pure horror on Brie’s face as she realizes the severity of her sister’s delusion. Just as Brie tries to speak a little truth about the situation Nicole brings up how she has to shave her bush. Nicole’s dreams were just saved by the bush.

But the venue isn’t available. They also have to plan a bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, reception, and bachelorette party. Probably a bachelor party too, hopefully someone told Artem he’s getting married in four weeks. This is still the first episode and I’m not sure if he knows yet.

The screen gives us a countdown of 27 days until the wedding. This is very triggering for my anxiety. This is all happening too fast. But at least Nicole doesn’t have to find a dress because she still has the one she was going to marry John Cena in. Sure the dress is breathtaking and fits her perfect but it is also haunted. That was for a different wedding with a different man. Brie is the one who asks how Artem would feel about her wearing that dress. Nicole says he won’t mind. Nicole does he even know? Does he even know the wedding is in 27 days? Talk to your husband-to-be Nicole.

Thank goodness Brie, Nicole, and Artem are drinking wine and discussing the ridiculously soon wedding that they have zero plans for. Phew, Artem does know about the wedding but I’m not convinced Nicole is the one who told him. Brie is the one that has to remind Artem it’s his wedding too. Something tells me this marriage might have some communication issues down the road.

Brie is obviously Nicole’s maid of honor. Now we get to meet Artem’s best man Gleb. This is where the real chemistry of the show is. These two guys have a bromance that could probably carry the show. We see them practicing how Artem and Nicole will dance at the wedding. We can only hope the happy couple shines like these two on their special day.

We learn Artem’s parents and family are in Russia. So there is no way they will be able to come to the wedding. They can’t get a visa to the US even if they could four weeks wouldn’t be enough time. We also learn that Artem’s parents have never met their grandson Matteo. It’s clear all Artem wants for the wedding is to have his parents there. This is heartbreaking and there is just no reason to rush things. They should just wait and plan something they both want instead of this stress-fest for the E! Network to get viewers.

Now it’s 24 days until the wedding and Brie pulled a bridal shower out of thin air. They are drinking and playing games on a Napa Valley wine train. Wait there are wine trains? That sounds like a good time to me. Friends and family are there and this is actually really sweet. Brie did a great job. They should just get married on the wine train.

Bridal shower is over and everyone left the train. Artem comes out of one of the train cars to sit with Nicole. Nicole tells him that since nothing is working out in Napa Valley they should get married in Paris. What? There’s only 24 days to plan this and now you’re changing countries. This is a good thing though because his parents can travel to Paris. So his family will be at the wedding. Maybe Nicole actually thought about what was important to Artem. We can only hope.

Episode 2

Welcome to episode two and Nicole is posing for pictures for Brides magazine. All the photos will be beautiful I’m sure but how do they have time for this. This wedding is creeping up fast and now it’s in Paris. Hire a planner Nicole — give them the stress instead of putting it all on Brie.

The current issue is where to have the joint bachelor and bachelorette party. Yes that’s right Artem doesn’t get a say in the wedding or in the bachelor party. She’s got to keep her eyes on him at all times but not tell him anything.

Artem is telling Gleb that he thinks cooking would be fun for a bachelor party. Really? This is what Nicole is afraid he’s going to do with his friends, have a cooking class. Gleb is thinking of drinking vodka in a sauna which sounds like a much better time.

The twins educate us that the bridal shower is the “lady in the streets” and the bachelorette party is the “freak in the sheets” all these wedding traditions can be so confusing. Brie is excited because the bachelorette party with be in “Brie mode” probably with a side of “Jealous Nikki mode” as she monitors the bachelor party.

The twins are dress shopping for all her other wedding looks not the down the aisle dress. Since she wants to wear that haunted one still. Thank goodness she tries on one dress that is beautiful and perfect and she loves it. She decides that is her new wedding dress, thank goodness. Now she can leave the haunted old dress in the past with that 75-page contract.

For the forced combo party Nicole wants to jump out of a cake for Artem. She decides a pole dance would be better. So she goes to a pole dancing instructor who she brings a White Claw for. I’m sure that is proper pole dancing class etiquette. The teacher is great and has Nicole trying all kinds of moves on the pole wearing don’t try this at home heels. My favorite direction from the teacher is “go booty first” that’s a good life motto.

For the combo bachelor and bachelorette party they are going to all stay at a big party house in Los Angeles. Brie to the rescue again she found the house. She even found a venue for the surprise pole dance party. Brie invited the total diva friends Ariane Andrew, Nattie Neidhart, CJ Perry (She was on The Surreal Life). The house is very nice and of course it has a wrap around pool.

They are all drinking in a very light Brie mode before heading to the venue for the night. They arrive and no one knows where Nicole is. Then she appears in a bird cage being lowered out of the ceiling. She’s dancing and wearing a little sexy outfit in front of all their friends and family. But everyone loves it except her brother who is horrified. The cage lands and she escapes to sexy dance on Artem for a minute before sexy dancing on the pole. She killed it. But it would have been fun seeing her jump out of a cake.

The next day they are hungover. And they arranged for some healthcare professional to come over and run IVs on them. This is why I love reality TV to watch people actually do the insane things the rest of us joke about doing. Getting fluids intravenously after a night of drinking just to keep drinking is a myth in my world but to them it’s real.

Nicole is now bothering Brie to do even more stuff for her. Now she wants Brie to go to Paris five days early just to plan things. Brie actually says go early with Artem — he’s the one you’re marrying. There’s some truth that Nicole just ignores and praises Brie for how good she is at everything. Artem actually encourages Brie to be the one to go early. Guess they are both going to be dependent on Brie for everything.

Time for the silly penis games. They have a giant wiener pinata. And they are bobbing for dildos. The guys do better than the girls with that game go figure.

Artem gets a call from his brother and finds out his family is unable to make it to Paris. The closest they can get is Turkey. So it’s two weeks away just change countries again, no big deal. They had no solid plans in Paris anyway. But Nicole isn’t into going to Turkey. She’s also upset that Artem wants to take Matteo to Turkey to meet his grandparents.

This all would be solved if Artem and Nicole just left early. They could go to Turkey see his family and then still make it to Paris to get married. Everything is so stressful with all of this they better see his family during this mess of a trip. And I really hope E! Network is picking up the bill.

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