I’ll be the first one to back the naysayers. Putting the WCW World Heavyweight Title around the waist of actor David Arquette was about as disgraceful and lame as you can get. It’s about as shameful as Vince and Stephanie McMahon winning WWF World Titles. Yet, there was no outcry then or now. Go figure. The WCW brain trust of Russo and Bischoff stupidly dug a hole for themselves and really ticked off hordes of wrestling fans by doing what they did. How they burrowed out of the horrible mess they created at the Slamboree pay-per-view from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City was pretty smart. Let’s just hope and pray that the public backlash has taught them a lesson or two.
The obvious problem with scheduling Arquette in the three-way, four-tiered cage match against Diamond Dallas Page and Jeff Jarrett was…duh…Arquette couldn’t wrestle if his life depended on it. So, Russo and Bischoff relegated him to onlooker status as Page and Jarrett fought around him. He took a few bumps. He figured into the finale. But, for the most part he stayed out the hell out of the wrestlers’ way.
The cage itself was a mighty impressive sight. The first level surrounded the ring. The second had a fence-like floor and all sorts of plunder attached to the sides. Hence the Hardcore Cage label. The third cage (the Guitar Cage) was a small, cube-like room on top of the Hardcore Cage. Guitars hung on the walls of that cage and since it was slightly raised, the combatants had plenty of room to brawl while standing on the roof of the Hardcore Cage. The WCW World Heavyweight Title was suspended above the Guitar Cage’s ceiling. It sure beat WCW’s Tower Of Doom Cage by a long shot. You’ve got to give it up to the planning and construction crew for their creative work on that monstrosity.
Before the match, a visibly terrified Arquette struck a deal with DDP. Page would watch his back if Arquette kept his distance and help stop any members of the New Blood from interfering. Dressed in goofy wrestling gear which looked like something Elvis would’ve worn on a Las Vegas stage, Arquette ran from Jarrett, was body splashed into the cage, took a punch and was thrown into the cage by Jarrett. Until the finish, that was his level of participation. Thank the Lord for small favours.
A bloodied Jarrett and Page fought over the ladder that had to be used to climb up to the Hardcore Cage. DDP tried to scale it. Jarrett back-suplexed him off of it. The Chosen One attempted to climb the ladder. DDP Power Bombed him off of it, set the ladder up in the corner and whipped him into it twice. The Chosen One speared DDP in the stomach with the ladder to initiate his ascent. Page tipped it over. Jarrett was crotched on the top rope. DDP easily advanced to the Hardcore Cage with Jarrett in hot pursuit.
DDP used bolt cutters to cut the chain locking the Hardcore Cage’s exit door. Trash cans, steel chairs and a plastic serving tray smacked against flesh and bone as Jarrett and DDP raided the plunder provided. In a jaw-dropping moment, DDP Irish Whipped Jarrett into the Hardcore Cage and the entire side gave way! As the Hardcore Cage was smaller than the cage below, the was plenty of room for Jarrett to maneuver in sparing him a fall over the edge. DDP set-up a table and slammed Jarrett through it. Both wrestlers traded blows outside the Hardcore Cage while David Arquette scooted by them and up to the top of the Guitar Cage. Arquette could’ve claimed the WCW World Title right then and there. Instead, he waited there holding up his end of the bargain with DDP.
Out of nowhere (one assumes he scaled the cage), Mike Awesome attacked DDP from behind! DDP countered with a Diamond Cutter. Page and Jarrett splitered some guitars on each other. Page slammed the Guitar Cage door on Jarrett’s skull then he handed a guitar up to Arquette. DDP and The Chosen One climbed on opposite sides of the Guitar Cage. Arquette guitar-shot DDP in the head completing his heel turn. Jarrett whacked DDP too. The Chosen One pulled down the WCW World Heavyweight Title to become the new champion.
Awesome prepared to Awesome Bomb Page off the top of the cage. Kanyon made the save. In a hefty bump worthy of Mick Foley, Awesome grabbed Kanyon and threw him off the structure to the padded rampway far below the cage.
- The next WCW pay-per-view is The Great American Bash on June 11th.
WCW Slamboree 2000 Results
- A bus arrives dropping off the Millionaire’s Club. Russo, Bischoff and The New Blood watch them from the dressing room and heckle.
Chris Candido (champion) Vs The Artist (challenger) (WCW Cruiserweight Title Match)
- Should’ve been a great match, however, Candido and The Artist blew way too many spots. Candido’s hard bumps to the floor was its only saving grace. Tammy bings a metal chair off of The Artist’s head. The referee slaps his count. Candido thinks he’s won. Tammy rushes into the ring to congratulate her man. Candido’s music plays. The ref breaks up the party informing Candido that The Artist kicked out. Candido piledrives The Artist and lands a flying head butt to finally put him away. Paisley low-blows Candido. She and The Artist rip Tammy’s dress off. She’s got a skimpier costume underneath. Coming soon a Candido, Tammy, Paisley, Artist, mixed tag match?
- Winner: …and still WCW Cruiserweight Champion…Chris Candido at 8 minutes and 8 seconds.
- Match Rating: 3 / 10.
Norman Smiley, Mystery partner (challengers) Vs Terry Funk (champion) (WCW Hardcore Title Match)
- Not nearly as good as their earlier pay-per-view match up. Funk asks a crowd in the back where Norman is. Everyone points to the bathroom. Funk kicks open a stall. It’s the mystery partner dressed in a Kansas City Royals catcher’s uniform. Smiley blasts Funk with a fire extinguisher. Funk and Smiley tear up the Kemper Arena so that it resembles how CANOE’s new offices looked like a week ago. The portly Mystery Partner gets a few shots in but they have no effect on The Funker. Funk drags him to the ring and unmasks him. Of course, it’s Ralphus. Funk pushes Ralphus over the top rope. Small children run screaming from the arena as Ralphus moons the crowd. A ladder from Smiley clocks Funk. Smiley gives Funk the Big Wiggle. Ralphus does the same. Funk chair shots him and Smiley to get the three count. Smiley and a shirtless Ralphus dance. The resulting naseua is a tad below Mae Young’s strip tease on the Vomit Meter.
- Winner: …and still WCW Hardcore Champion…Terry Funk at 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
- Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Shawn Stasiak Vs Curt Hennig
- Stasiak comes out to Hennig’s old Mr. Perfect theme song that’s ever so slightly altered. Someone call New Jack as Chavo Guerrero, Van Hammer and Lash Laroux are sitting at ringside in multi-colored combat fatigues. The announcers refer to them as the Misfits. Stasiak employs Hennig’s own finisher to recieve the three count following a well-wrestled bout.
- Winner: Shawn Stasiak at 7 minutes and 59 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
- Russo claps Big Poppa Pump on the shoulder wishing him luck. A snarky Steiner tells Russo to keep his hands to himself. Poppa Pumps walks off in a huff.
Hugh E. Rection (challenger) Vs Scott Steiner (champion) (WCW U.S. Heavyweight Title Match)
- Hugh Morrus, decked out in combat gear a la The Misfits, lets the audience in on his name change. He says Bischoff came up with the Hugh Morrus moniker to make a fool out of him. He’s reverting back to his real name…get this…Hugh E. Rection. You have to wince every time the announcers say it because it is so darn dumb. Big Poppa Pump is now Big Poppa Pimp as he is accompanied to ringside by two valets dressed in leather. It’s the Scott Steiner of old, folks. More suplexes on display rather than relaxed power moves. Steiner stalls a lot during the match by posing and picking verbals fights with the audience. Rection (wince!) goes for his Raging Climax (formerly known as No Laughing Matter). One of Steiner’s valets crotches him on the top rope. A Steiner Recliner and Rection is done like dinner. Steiner won’t break the hold. The Misfits leap over the barricade. They are met by Russo and Bischoff’s personal security squad. Booker waltzes past them labeling Steiner with an axe kick.
- Winner: …and still WCW United States Champion…Scott Steiner at a little over 9 minutes.
- Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Mike Awesome Vs Kanyon
- Great stuff here showcasing Awesome’s acrobatics and Kanyon’s innovative wrestling stylings. Awesome is about to Awesome Bomb Kanyon over the top rope to the exposed concrete floor. Wolf Pac music plays. Hey, didn’t they disband a lifetime ago? Kevin Nash rescues Kanyon from being splattered on the arena floor. Members of the New Blood rush the ring to pound on Nash. The Millionaire’s Club and security join the squabble.
- Winner: None. Match called at 11 minutes and 37 seconds.
- Match Rating: 8 / 10.
Buff Bagwell Vs The Total Package
- Backstage, Liz has had enough of Russo. She pushes him over and takes a bat to his leg. Liz does her batter-up thing on Bagwell. Package Torture Racks Bagwell. Enter the clone. Power Plant grad Chuck Palumbo interferes. He is wearing trunks and boots which have Package’s doltish symbol on them. Palumbo racks the Package.
- Winner: The Total Package at 8 minutes and 55 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Shane Douglas Vs Ric Flair
- A hard-hitting contest. Flair tells Douglas he’s going to “kick his ECW ass”. At 5:34, Douglas pulls a chain out his boot. He wraps it around his fist and punches Flair. A fake Sting takes a bat to Flair. Douglas gets the three count. The fake Sting and Douglas split. Flair thinks it is Russo dressed as Sting. He tells the fake Sting over the house mic that since Russo interfered, he is supposed to have five minutes in the ring with him. The fake Sting obliges. He brains Flair in the head with a small Statue Of Liberty. Vince Russo heads down the entrance way. The fake Sting removes his mask. It is David Flair! Groan. David Flair and Russo gang-up on The Nature Boy. The Total Package’s save is halted by a swing of the baseball bat. It’s that Wolf Pack music again. Nash sprints to the ring. Daffney appears. She low blows Nash. Russo uses Nash as batting practice.
- Winner: Shane Douglas at 5 minutes and 34 seconds .
- Match Rating: 7.5 / 10.
Sting Vs Vampiro
- Vampiro hides a lead pipe under the ring. Sting doesn’t repel from the ceiling. He walks out as normal. It was the right thing to do considering what happened to Owen Hart last year at the Kemper Arena. Sting is hyped and so is Vampiro. Lively effort by the former Brothers In Paint. Vampiro suspends Sting’s onslaught via lead pipe shots. At 5:54, Sting takes possession of the pipe. He Stinger Splashes Vampiro with the pipe. Two Stinger Death Drops and Vampiro is a goner. Heading back to the dressing room, Sting sees Vampiro getting to his feet in the ring. Sting returns to the ring for one more lead pipe shot on Vampiro.
- Winner: Sting at 6 minutes and 47 seconds.
- Match Rating: 7 / 10.
Hulk Hogan Vs Billy Kidman
- F.U.N.B.? What could it all mean to the little Hulksters? Horace is by Hogan’s side. Bischoff sends him packing. Hogan blades again. Bischoff won’t count Hogan’s pinfalls. Hogan Power Bombs Easy E through a table. Hogan has trouble earlier sliding the tables into the ring. He broke the legs on one. Kidman lays Hogan on a table. Hogan moves out of the way. Kidman crashes through the table from the top rope. Horace slaps Bischoff’s hand on the canvass three times.
- Winner: Hulk Hogan at 13 minutes and 34 seconds. .
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
- Russo chases Liz to the Millionaire’s Bus. The sight of Luger onboard scares him off. Nash is also chasing down Russo. Russo car-jacks a vehicle speeding off into the night.
Jeff Jarrett (challenger) Vs Diamond Dallas Page (challenger) Vs David Arquette (champion) (WCW World Heavyweight Title – Ready To Rumble Cage Match)
- Winner: …and new WCW World Heavyweight Champion…Jeff Jarrett at 10 minutes and 50 seconds .
- Match Rating: 8 / 10.
- Total Event Time: 2 hours and 45 minutes.
- Overall Event Rating: 8 / 10.