You gotta feel sorry for Vinnie Mac. The guy can’t even trust his own family. Son Shane challenged his Daddy’s authority with The Corporate Ministry backing him up. McMahon’s wife, Linda, sided with McMahon’s mortal enemy Steve Austin in their feud. So, it was just a matter of time before daddy’s little girl – Stephanie – followed suit and stabbed her father in the back too. Maybe McMahon would be better off if he kicked his ungrateful brood to the curb and formally adopted The Stooges and Max Mini.
Stephanie had a front row seat to the main event at the WWF’s Armageddon pay-per-view as Vince McMahon sought to defend his daughter’s honor against DX leader – Triple H – in a No Holds Barred match up. The stipulations being if Triple H won he got a WWF World Title shot. If McMahon was victorious, Triple H would bow out of the sneaky marriage he’d roped Stephanie into.
Little did Daddy Vinnie Mac know that it was all a swerve masterminded by Triple H and Stephanie.
A first-rate candidate for the Worst Match Of 1999, the preposterous Armageddon main event proved that nothing short of a nuclear blast can stop WWF owner Vince McMahon. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s Super McMahon, don’t you know. I am sure Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior would be proud of Vince’s performance.
Feeling oh-so-scared of the 53-year-old McMahon, Triple H brought his trusty sledgehammer to the ring as a great equalizer. The ref quickly forced Helmsley to hand it over. To justify McMahon holding his own against a REAL wrestler, Vinnie Mac threw that blinding powder in his eyes to start the match. McMahon’s arsenal consisted of Atomic Haymakers and Lithuanian clotheslines which totally stunned the seasoned veteran. McMahon and Helmsley brawled into the crowd and into a dark corridor making it almost impossible to see what was going on. McMahon crashed against a set of steel doors. They traded blows back to the retaining fence where McMahon backdropped Triple over it.
Mankind made a guest appearance trucking down a shopping cart full of plunder for McMahon. Inside the cart were metal street signs, a steel bar, a crutch and a host of other dangerous objects. Wisely, McMahon chooses an aluminum trash can lid to beat Helmsley with. A low blow by Helmsley concludes the assault inspired by Duke “The Dumpster”. Triple H stopped to rise his eyes out with bottled water. McMahon brained him some more with a trash can.
McMahon fished out a crutch smashing it over Triple H’s back. Choked by McMahon, Helmsley rammed his head into the steel ring steps. Both men battled back to the shopping cart taking turns using chains and street signs on each other. At the war-themed set outside the entrance way, Hunter binged McMahon’s head off the front of a helicopter and a troop carrier (not a “people mover”, Jim Ross). A metal equipment case, a sand bag and the shopping cart itself collided with McMahon’s seemingly Titanium-alloy-lined noggin’. Other war machines came into play when Hunter spun a machine gun around clocking Vince and McMahon bonked Triple H with a flap (not a “rotor”, Jerry Lawler) on the helicopter.
Hunter fled the arena. Cursing his name, McMahon stumbled around a dark parking lot for an eternity looking for Helmsley. Signaling his intention to run Vinnie Mac over, Triple H leaned on his horn. In a scary moment depending on your feelings about him, McMahon dove out of the way as the car Hunter was driving glanced off a wall. Hunter threw McMahon into several parked cars and a vending machine. Returning inside, Vinnie Mac picked up a steel pipe. Hunter climbed up a tall steel rigging apparatus to escape but McMahon followed. Hunter knocked Vinnie Mac off the rigging. McMahon fell on a carefully camouflaged air bag below noticeable when Hunter’s feet sunk into it as he climbed down. McMahon finally bladed.
Hunter left McMahon in a heap so he could taunt Stephanie at ringside. “Tell me how it feels to see your daddy get his ass kicked. It must be killing you. Does he ever stay down?” said Helmsley asking the question a legion of bewildered fans were pondering at that precise moment as McMahon staggered to the ring.
Hunter was about to clobber McMahon with a metal pipe in the head, thought better of it and retrieved his sledgehammer. McMahon low-blowed Triple H just as he was about to cave his skull in. McMahon hit Hemsley in the gut with the metal pipe. Vinnie Mac raised the sledgehammer to splatter Triple H’s brains all over the canvass. Stephanie stepped between them begging her father to give her the sledgehammer. Stephanie reared back with the hammer but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Triple H took possession of the sledgehammer hitting McMahon in the bread basket and the head for the pinfall finishing the bout which clocked in at a monstrous 29 minutes and 59 seconds.
Hunter teased bringing the hammer down on Stephanie while she knelt over her fallen father. Hunter dropped the hammer. Stephanie hugged and kissed Triple H.
Ah, young love. Stephanie McMahon is evil, I tell you…eeeevil!
- The next WWF pay-per-view is The Royal Rumble on January 23rd.
WWF Armageddon Results
Tag Team Battle Royal
- The Dudley Boyz, Edge – Christian, The Head Bangers, The Hardy Boyz, The Mean Street Posse, Too Cool, The Acolytes and The Godfather – Mark Henry are involved. In other words, all the tag teams the bookers didn’t know what to do with. The winning team is rewarded with a shot at the WWF Tag Team Titles. Faarooq backdrops Jeff Hardy over the top rope to the security railing for the win.
- Winners: The Acolytes at 10 minutes and 56 seconds. .
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Kurt Angle Vs Steve Blackman
- The shocker of the card. Black and Angle put on a well-worked bout despite the crowd “B-o-o-o-ring” chants and Kurt Angle’s retread of the Lex Luger gimmick. Angle rolls up Blackman for the 1-2-3. Blackman goes to work on Angle after the match. The crowd cheers Blackman on. Kurt Angle remains undefeated point out the announcers.
- Winner: Kurt Angle at 6 minutes and 56 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Miss Kitty (challenger) Vs Jackie (challenger) Vs Barbara Bush (challenger) Vs Ivory (champion) (WWF Women’s World Heavyweight Title – Swimming Pool – Evening Gown Match)
- The swimming pool gimmick shows you just how serious the WWF is about the Women’s title. Moolah and Young are guest officials. Nuff said. It’s an elimination match. Miss Kitty sneak attacks Ivory as she tries in vain to pull off Barbara Bush’s bra. Miss Kitty rips Ivory’s dress off to win the title. Gee, the Women’s Title goes to another non-wrestler. Kitty strips down and bares her breasts on pay-per-view. Too bad she’s got the body of a 13-year-old girl. Mae Young strips too. Thank goodness, Sgt. Slaughter is able to make the save before millions of viewers world-wide lose their gift of sight. Mae Young is evil, I tell you…eeeevil!
- Winner: …and new WWF Women’s Heavyweight Champion, Miss Kitty at 2 minutes and 57 seconds.
- Match Rating: 0 / 10.
The Hollys Vs Viscera and Rakishi
- Rakishi is the Bastion Booger of the 90’s. His butt is his gimmick? I bet the bookers worked overtime to come up with that one. Viscera and Rakishi aren’t being best buds. Viscera drop kicks Rakishi in the back of the head. The Hollys get the pinfall. Viscera and Rakishi duke it out. Viscera wouldn’t be half bad if he didn’t wrestle in a Glad garbage bag.
- Winners: The Hollys at 4 minutes and 18 seconds.
- Match Rating: 2 / 10.
D’Lo Brown (challenger) Vs Val Venis (challenger) Vs The British Bulldog (champion) (WWF European Title Match)
- D’Lo Frog Splashes The Bulldog but Val chimes in with a Money Shot on both men to steal the victory.
- Winner: …and new WWF European Champion…Val Venis at 8 minutes and 19 seconds.
- Match Rating: 7 / 10.
Kane Vs X-Pac (Steel Cage Match)
- The rules are you must climb out of the cage to win. X-Pac bothers Tori outside the ring. Kane climbs out of the cage to punk X-Pac. At four minutes even, The Outlaws cut the lock on the cage, throw in a chair and a pair of handcuffs and slam the cage door in Kane’s face. X-Pac handcuffs Kane to the cage and chairshots him. Tori can’t stand it. She enters the cage. X-Pac X-Factors Tori. X-Pac tries to climb out. Kane exits through the door catching X-Pace before he touches the floor. Kane throws X-Pac back in the cage, executes a flying clothesline off the top of the cage and a Tombstone Piledriver for the win.
- Winner: Kane at 8 minutes and 11 seconds.
- Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Chyna (champion) Vs Chris Jericho (challenger) (WWF Intercontinental Title Match)
- A much, much better effort than their last match together though Chyna (AKA: She-Hulk) fights the Liontamer for minutes and minutes before she submits. Jericho cuts a promo after the match. Chyna shakes his hand saying he was the better wrestler tonight. I guess she forgot that Jericho broke her thumb with a freaking hammer, eh? Jericho taunts her by saying over and over again…”You want some more? You want some more?”. Jericho, the I.C. champ? Ah, now everything is right in the world.
- Winner: …and new WWF Intercontinental Champion…Chris Jericho at 10 minutes and 22 seconds. .
- Match Rating: 7 / 10.
The Rock And Sock Connection (challengers) Vs The New Age Outlaws (champions)
- Again, J.R. comments that the New Age Outlaws are the best tag team ever in the WWF. Dream on, good buddy. Fans the world over wonder where is Johnny Diamond when you need him? (Inside joke). Mankind KO’s the ref. Al Snow hits Mankind with Head. The Rock brawls with Snow up the ramp. The NAO hit Mankind with the ring bell. Al Snow returns. The Rock And Sock Connection are disqualified. The Rock lays the Smackdown and The People’s Elbow on Al Snow. is evil, I tell you…eeeevil!
- Winners: …and still WWF World Tag Team Champions…The New Age Outlaws at 16 minutes and 23 seconds .
- Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Big Show (champion) Vs Big Bossman (challenger) (WWF World Heavyweight Title Match)
- Big Show Chokeslams Prince Albert through the Spanish Announce table. Darn. They almost made it through the pay-per-view without incident. Show Chokeslams Bossman at 3 minutes and 16 seconds to retain the title. They build up a feud for months and this is what we get? That was worth it.
- Winner: …and still WWF World Heavyweight Champion, The Big Show at 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
- Match Rating: 1 / 10.
Hunter-Hearst Helmsley Vs Vince McMahon (No Holds Barred Match)
- Winner: Triple H at 29 minutes and 59 seconds.
- Match Rating: 2 / 10.
- Total Event Time: 2 hours and 50 minutes.
- Overall Event Rating: 5 / 10.