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Hogan – Nash, an embarrassment at Road Wild

John Powell

 

When I was about 10 years-old I witnessed one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. Former tag team partners – The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff – bumbled and stumbled their way through a surefire cure to insomnia. It was so poorly worked, so slow-paced, so sickening to watch that I’d be more than happy to pay a large sum of money to have it permanently erased from my memory by the Men In Black.

Tonight, I sat through the Nash – Hogan main event at WCW’s Road Wild pay-per-view live from the biker rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. All I gotta say is…where are Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones when you need them?

Though there are approximately four and a half months left this year, I believe we have a hands down winner for the Worst Match Of 1999. It wasn’t as mortifying as Hogan’s Halloween Havoc bout against Roddy Piper but it sure was close to it. Headliners Hogan and Nash should be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed at how badly they’ve learned their chosen trade. Ashamed about using their political stroke to hold down their more talented and dedicated co-workers. Knowing a handful of moves apiece at this time in their careers, Hogan and Nash should be ashamed to even call themselves professional wrestlers.

Clocking in at combined move count of twelve (Hogan – 4, Nash-8), the WCW World Heavyweight Title – Retirement match was a complete mockery from the opening bell. Truth be told, I’ve watched indie bouts held in scuzzy strip joints that were better than this slop.

Nash and Hogan did what they do best. Nash fluffs his hair REAL good and Hogan is the master of striking muscleman poses. Clumsily whisking viewers back to the eighties, the match was scripted Hulk-A-Mania style. Nash exerted his power at the start hurling a stunned Hogan into a corner twice. As we’ve seen a million – zillion times before, Hogan got the upper hand on the third try shoving Nash back into the opposite corner.

After exerting so much energy it was time to kill what little momentum the match had gained. Nash squeezed Hogan’s folically-challenged melon with an expertly-applied headlock for about 62 hours. Hogan muscled Nash out of the ring breaking the hold. Frustrated at the obvious bad hair day he was having, “The Narcissist” Kevin Nash stood outside the ring fluffing his mane as Hogan stopped referee Nick Patrick’s count.

Next up, the always scintillating test of strength. Nash forces Hogan down to his knees. Hogan, cheered on by the crowd, fights back up to a standing position. Nash kneed and elbowed Hogan driving him into a corner. Digging into his vast arsenal of awe-inspiring wrestling moves, Nash punches, knees and chokes out Hogan with his big foot. Hogan takes an elbow to the head then dodges another. The Hulkster reverses Nash into the corner so he can lay in ten punches as the crowd counts each blow off to prevent themselves from falling asleep in their seats.

Nash takes a page out of the Roddy Piper Guide To Professional Wrestling poking Hogan in the eye with pin-point accuracy. A sidewalk slam scores Big Sexy a two count. Nash takes the Hulkster outside introducing his head to a metal light stand. Hogan blades and bleeds from a cut in his forehead.

Commentator Tony Schiavone says…”Kevin Nash has learned his craft.” Who are you kidding, Tony?

Returning to the ring, Nash guillotine legdrops Hogan over the bottom rope. Big Sexy hits Hogan with his own finishing move setter-upper – The Big Foot. The Hulkster gets Jack Knife Powerbombed. Hogan kicks out at two! Shaking like an epileptic having a seizure, Hogan “hulks-up” waving a disapproving finger in Nash’s face.

If you’ve ever observed ANY Hulk Hogan match, you know the rest by heart. Irish Whip. Big Foot. Hogan Legdrop. One. Two. Three. Hulk Hogan retains the WCW World Heavyweight Championship.

As per the pre-match stipulation, Kevin Nash must now retire from squared circle competition. In wrestle-talk that means Nash’s vacation was approved by the front office. Here’s a thought. Maybe Nash can do something practical with his time off like attend a wrestling school.

Reader’s Notes: Through Macho Man’s promo hyping the event, WCW promised to reveal the mysterious Hummer driver at Road Wild. Surprise. Surprise. WCW leaves another storyline dangling as nothing of the kind took place at the pay-per-view.

Check back on Monday for pics and video from the event.

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