WWE Smackdown: Rhodes and Orton face The Brons ahead of Crown Jewel

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

WWE Smackdown: Rhodes and Orton face The Brons ahead of Crown Jewel
Courtesy of WWE

With Crown Jewel Perth around the corner, The Brons want to make sure Cody Rhodes is in no condition to be able to face The Vision in Seth Rollins. Thankfully, Randy Orton heard the voices in his head and will tag with Rhodes against Bronn Breakker and Bronson Reed in the Main Event.

We come to you LIVE from the Heritage Bank Center in Cincinnati, Ohio. Michael Cole and Booker T have the call.

But let’s have your American Nightmare come out to kick out the show (and you can sing along here, too, if ya want). He asks Cincinnati what they want to talk about, but Heyman comes out and has a response with The Brons. Orton immediately comes out right beside him. Heyman introduces himself, and since he anticipated this, he wants to speak with Orton. He has a spoiler about tonight (after the fans chant “RKO”, and Heyman thanked them for their irrelevant opinion) and says they will lose tonight. He tries to get into Orton’s head and says he will look at Rhodes and question how long their alliance will last. Heyman states that it is not an Oracle, but a Prophecy.

Meanwhile, Carmelo Hayes and Miz discuss last week and how they can’t see eye to eye. ‘Melo says this is done, and we’re good. Mix looks on, and you can tell it is less than good.

But now is your First Match of the Night, and it is a…

WWE United States Championship Open Challenge: Sami Zayn(c) vs. ???

Looks like ‘Melo wants another shot, and he gets on the mic and tells Zayn he doesn’t have anyone holding him back. He explains that after tonight, everyone will know why he is HIM. Miz has other plans as he comes up from behind and gives ‘Melo a Skull Crushing Finale.

Guess he won’t be competing tonight.

That brings out Aleister Black, and he tells Zayn he’s down for a match.

Well then, I guess the First Match of the Night (for real this time) is…

WWE United States Championship Open Challenge: Sami Zayn(c) vs. Aleister Black

Both men put on a nice wrestling clinic by both men, but Black soon shows off his educated feet, and one shot may have caught Zayn in the nose. A springboard moonsault by Black connects, and he sits cross-legged, admiring his work that leads to…

Ads (For those of you new to me doing the recap, I’d like to state my biggest pet peeve is ads interrupting in the middle of a match, so I can be told I need a Snickers or some such lame jazz. Why can’t the Monkeys in the Truck™ spring for Picture in Picture? You got the money for it!)

We come back, and Black is still in control, but Zayn fights back and mounts with punches. He clotheslines Black out of the ring and hits an Arabian moonsault to the floor. Then Zayn climbs up to the high rent district for a high-risk maneuver and misses, but manages to nail a Michinoku driver for a two count. After a few standing switches, Black connects with a roundhouse kick to a German suplex, getting a count of two. Black sweeps his legs and goes for a rollup, and still can’t put him away. He climbs up top, but Zayn cuts him off at the pass, and then they come down hard with a superplex that lays out both men and then…

More Ads (Gahh!!)

We come back, and Zayn goes for another high-risk attempt, but eats a kick by Black. As he climbs up top, Zayn pushes him off and then leaps from the top turnbuckle, only to eat a kick on the way down, and Black covers again, but no dice. Zayn goes for the Helluva kick and misses, and that allows Black to hit the Meteora and cover for one, two…ooohh, so close. Black preps for the Black Mass, but Damian Priest comes out. Distracted, it allows Zayn to deliver the Helluva kick, followed by the Blue Thunder Bomb on Black to retain.

Your Winner via Pinfall, and Still WWE United States Champion: Sami Zayn

After the match, Priest clears off the commentary desk, pulls out Black, and gives him a Razor’s Edge through the table.

Earlier, Chelsea Green wanted to offer Sol Ruca and Zaria a chance to be in her Secret Hervice. They decline, and Zaria suggests instead that they have a tag match. SmackDown GM Nick Aldis likes it and makes it happen.

That said, here we are for…

Alba Fyre and Chelsea Green vs. Sol Ruca vs. Zaria

Ruca and Zaria are as mismatched a team as any you will find, but they do strike a presence. Otherwise, I can smell the squash that is cooking in this match, and rather than go through a straight recap, allow me to present you fine folks the Professional Wrestling Poetry™ from The Lucid Luchador™ himself, in the form of a Squared Circle Clerihew™:

*Ahem*

Zaria and Ruca start to make Green and Fyre nervous

And things look bleak for the Hervice.

Zaria tosses Fyre in the barricade (hey, just watch her!),

As Ruca delivers to Green a Soul Snatcher.

https://youtu.be/yB7SpkE_cXc?si=-Hdutbdg-rxA0RGz

Your Winners via Pinfall: Zaria and Sol Ruca

Backstage, Cathy Kelley is with Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair, and she inquires of them what they thought of Ruca and Zaria just now, since they want to challenge them for their WWE Women’s Tag Titles. They were impressed, but Ruca and Zaria need to be ready to step up to them.

We see what took place in the Main Event on Raw on Netflix, but check out what happened here, and it’ll save us all some time.

Orton and Rhodes assure each other they have the other man’s back. Aww, isn’t that precious?

Aldis is out in the ring to officiate the contract signing for the Winner Take All match between WWE Women’s Undisputed Champion Tiffany Stratton and WWE Women’s Heavyweight Champion Stephanie Vaquer. Stratton comes out in her ring gear and serious red chunky thigh boots, whereas Vaquer enters looking Mas Chingona (ask your local Chicana what that means, kids, and then duck out of the way).

In any case, each woman signs the contract and makes the case why they will be dominant at the WWE Crown Jewel PLE in Perth, Australia, and then…

That was it. No tables flipping. No furniture thrown. A little trash talking here and there, but it was otherwise civil.

Huh. Go figure.

After the signing, Stratton walks down the aisle and gets punked out by Giulia. Kiana James isn’t far behind and tells Aldis not to notarize the contract yet, and they address Vaquer. They want to make her a superstar. James states that she wants to make her a Crown Jewel champion. The other option is getting laid out like Stratton, and the time of Tiffy starts counting down as she pulls James out of the ring. Vaquer trades blows with Guilia until she ducks out.

Earlier, Aldis talks to Je’Von Evans, and he likes what he sees. Rey Fenix pops in and suggests they do a match one-on-one, but then Humberto and Angel interject. They badmouth both guys until Evans suggests they do a tag match. Aldis likes it as well, and like a modern-day Teddy Long, he says that will happen tonight.

Jacob Fatu is tired of people like Drew McIntyre running their mouths. Simply put, he wants to remind the Scottish Psychopath that he’s All Gas, No Breaks! Yadadadadadmean?

(That’s as close to a translation as any you’ll get)

Therefore, your next match is…

Je’Von Evans and Rey Fenix vs. Los Garzos (Angel and Humberto)

Yeah, I think we need to get through this squash match with the help of a Lucid Luchador Limerick in Review™:

*ahem*

All four men are off flying,

With dives, topes, and tornillos (¡Ay Dios!) that were just death-defying.

With so much action flying ’round,

Los Garzas are pinned to the ground

With Fenix and Evans winning convincingly and smiling.

https://youtu.be/FMDZpTqc5Qc?si=XNaIkOjeOLMl-u4y

Your Winners via Pinfall: Je’Von Evans and Rey Fenix

Kelley catches up with Priest on beating Black and gaining some revenge. Before he can answer, Kit Wilson of Pretty Deadly comes up to the Archer of Infamy in a wheelchair and reads him the riot act that he will get his comeuppance soon. Priest clocks him and pushes his wheelchair down a ramp, and we just hear Wilson crash into something. He tells Kelley not to worry about it but then Priest challenges Black next week on SmackDown in Perth to a Last Standing Match.

Solo Sikoa names Talla Tonga as part of his Family Tree. But there is a missing piece of the puzzle, and once Sikoa finds it, everyone will be put on notice.

(Author’s Note: Will the piece of the puzzle be Tama Tonga returns so we can stop with these inane vignettes. Also, can any of the Creative Monkeys™ come up with a better faction name for Sikoa than “My Family Tree?” Sheesh!)

Kelley now has The Street Profits with B-Fab, and she asks if they’re ready for the Wyatt Sicks when they face them for the SmackDown tag belts. Ford and Dawkins acknowledge they’ve had their differences of late, but they’re on the same page, and they want the smoke. Then a spooky message pops up on the monitor behind them, and the Sicks respond in a promo that woulda make Bray Wyatt smile at how far his family has come.

Until then, it’s the Main Event with…

Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton vs. Bron Breakker & Bronson Reed ( with Paul Heyman)

Orton helps a young fan get his Cody Rhodes poster signed by The American Nightmare before the match. Aww.

The bell rings, and Orton starts with Breakker, and The Viper strikes first and mounts with punches, and then clotheslines him to the outside. We go to Picture in Picture and allow me an…

(Author’s Rant: NOW you decide to spring for it, WWE?! Where were the Monkeys in the Truck™ when I needed them in the First Match? Double GAHHH!!)

Moving along, Breakker comes back in the ring and rams Orton in the corner and shoulder tackles the midsection, then gives him a taste of his medicine. They battle outside, and Breakker tries to splash Orton on commentary, but the Viper gives him a back drop on the table. As Heyman distracts the ref, Reed interjects and gets Orton dropped on the commentary desk as Breakker tosses him back in. A tag to Reed and Orton tries to fight back to no avail. Reed attempts a tackle and hits the ring post. Orton tags in Rhodes, and he goes to work on the Brons. Reed whips him to the ropes, and he hangs on, but Breakker comes from behind with a forearm to the back of his head.

Rhodes attempts a Disaster Kick, and Reed catches him and plants with a front slam in the center of the ring. Breakker comes back in and turns Rhodes inside out with a clothesline. We get another Picture in Picture, and The Brons cut the ring in half, leaving Rhodes a Nightmare in Peril. He boots off Breakker, but Reed tags in and cuts him off before he could stretch his hand to Orton. He misses a corner splash and a senton, and that allows Rhodes to get the hot tag to Orton, who is an Apex Predator en Fuego. As he cleans house, Reed manages to nail the Jagged Edge DVD and goes up top for a Tsunami, but Orton cuts him off at the pass. He and Reed come crashing down to the mat with a superplex as Orton covers for a two count, and the match devolves to a Pier Four brawl. Breakker throws himself at Rhodes as Orton gives Reed a rope-assisted DDT. He’s hearing the voices in his head and prepares for the RKO, but Heyman distracts the ref again, which allows Seth Rollins to sneak into the ring and nail a curb stomp on Orton. A Tsunami later, and Reed gets the win for his team in one, two, and three.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed

Rollins raises both men’s hands and directs them to head to the back. The men acquiesce, and then Rollins gets a look in his eye. Heyman sees it and tells him not to do anything rash. Regardless, Rollins sprints to the ring and is met by a CrossRhodes from the Undisputed Champion as the show closes.

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