WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event: The Truth is Cena is enraged, and there’s a steel cage

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event: The Truth is Cena is enraged, and there’s a steel cage
Courtesy of WWE

8888889Live from Tampa, it’s Saturday Night’s Main Event, and tempers are boiling in the World Wrestling Entertainment. Jey Uso will show Logan Paul why he’s the Main Event. R-Truth wants to bring John Cena back from the Dark Side of the Douchenozzlery™, and Damian Priest and Drew McIntyre will settle their feud once and for all in a steel cage match.

Before we jump into the action, allow me an…

(Author’s Rant: Is it me, or has WWE done more steel cage/Hell in a Cell matchups this year alone than in the last five or so years combined? Just asking.)

We are coming to you from the Yuengling Center in Tampa, Florida. Joe Tessitore and Jesse “The Body” Ventura kick off the show. The best part was when Ventura speculated as to the Paul/Uso match if Mike Tyson would be involved and take another dive.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Ventura will always be my Governor.

In any case, Michael Cole and Pat McAfee have the call on Peacock (or as we say on TV TAN PODCAST, which is The Only TV Podcast That Matters™: “Flock to the ‘Cock”), and your First Match of the Night is…

CM Punk and Sami Zayn vs. Seth Rollins and Bron Breakker (with Paul Heyman)

Zayn is wearing some tights that seem to suggest support for a certain community in the Middle East embroiled in a war. I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon enough.

In any case, once all four men get in the ring, they lay in the fisticuffs and Punk and Zayn send out Breakker and Rollins. Once order is restored, Rollins and Zayn kick off the match officially, and Breakker sneak attacks and clotheslines the Underdog from behind his back. Rollins is happy as he tags him in, and Breakker jumps from the ring to crash Zayn through the commentary table and then…

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We come back, and Zayn is in Peril as Rollins and Breakker cut the ring in half and beat him down. He manages to roll through and gets the hot tag to Punk, and he goes full Clobbering Time en Fuego. He nails a sunset flip to Rollins to get a two count, and then goes to a running knee and hits a combo running bulldog/flying clothesline on both Rollins and Breakker.

He then adds the exclamation point with a flying elbow to Rollins for another near fall. Another distraction by Breakker and Rollins hits the Pedigree for just a two count. Zayn gets involved and sends Breakker out, and hits an Arabian moonsault, and then…

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Back again, and Rollins and Punk are throwing bombs at each other. They manage to evade their finishers, and a double clothesline knocks both out. A tag to Zayn, and he and Breakker jockey for position. He nails a tornado DDT on Breakker, and then Rollins interferes, which leads to Punk taking him out of the equation. Zayn connects with a turnbuckle suplex to Breakker and sets up for the Helluva Kick until Heyman trips him up. As he stares down the (not so) Wise Man, suddenly, Bronson Reed appears and drives Punk through the barricade. As Zayn looks on in disbelief, he gets speared in half by Breakker for the three count.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Bron Breakker and Seth Rollins

Reed and Breakker do a stare down until Rollins embraces him. He shakes hands with Breakker, and now we’ve got ourselves a faction, folks. Punk comes back and gets a stomping followed by a Tsunami by Reed.

Backstage, Cathy Kelly is with Chelsea Green and her Secret Hervice. She claims she’ll beat Zelina Vega and be a two-time Women’s United States Champion.

Gotta love the confidence, as your next match is for the…

WWE Women’s United States Championship: Zelina Vega(c) vs. Chelsea Green (with Piper Niven and Alba Fyre )

As the bell rings, Green presses the attack on Vega (possibly because they had on similar US-themed ring gear that Cody Rhodes’ tailor gave them…but I digress).

Vega misses the 619, and the taller Green takes advantage as she powerbombs the champ from the apron to the floor. She rolls Vega in, and Green gets a two count. She tries to take out Vega with a series of near falls, but to no avail. She attempts a springboard splash and belly flops, which allows Vega to connect with a rolling kick. She fires up with clotheslines and a belly-to-back suplex. Now, Vega kips up and goes up the top turnbuckle. Green brings her down and attempts the Unprettier, but Vega counters with a Backstabber and then follows with a 619 that busts her nose. The Hervice attempt to interfere, and Green gets up top to catch the champ, but Vega delivers an avalanche Code Red to retain.

Your Winner via Pinfall, and Still WWE Women’s United States Champion: Zelina Vega

Green is bloodied and upset that she lost again as Vega celebrates with the title held high.

There’s a shot of Buskwhacker Luke and “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart, as Luke gives him a very sloppy kiss.

Must be a New Zealand thing.

There’s also plugs for Worlds Collide and El Hijo del Vikingo of AAA is also in attendance, and he’ll be facing Chad Gable at the PLE.

Wonder if El Grande Americano will be involved?

The best sign of the night in the crowd read: “I divorced my wife to be here.” Sound odd to say that, let alone write that out. But then again…Florida.

Now for the battle to reclaim Cena from The Power of Douchenozzlery™, it’s…

John Cena vs. R-Truth

If this were a Star Wars movie, Cena’s name would be “Darth Hustle.” Thus, R-Truth would be “Truth Skywalker” in this scenario.

But, I digress, and I’m coming down from my Andor binge-fest. Don’t judge.

Lillian Garcia really gives an intro for Cena to start the match.

The best part is Truth coming out to Cena’s music and dressed like Cena, as he heads to the ring.

During the match, other than the obligatory “Let’s Go Cena!/Cena Sucks!” chants, the fans let him have it with dueling, “You can’t wrestle!/Yes he can!” chants.

Ahh, you fickle, fickle fans.

In any case, folks, we know what’s going to take place. So allow me a Squared Circle Clerihew™ to get to the point:

*Ahem*

Truth is so outmatched

As the Champ does everything to have him dispatched.

But Cena went low.

So see ya, R-Truth. He can’t see ya no mo’.

Your Winner via Pinfall: John Cena

After the match, he clocks Truth with the belt and walks away.

We see Jey Uso walking the corridor, and he confronts Cena. They recall their Royal Rumble moment, and Cena tries to get in his head about facing paul and how it would suck if he lost the title to “a YouTuber.”

I mean, it’s a little harsh, but he ain’t lying.

We see shots in the crowd of Tatanka and Leilani Kai in attendance. Then “The Body” Ventura slides in on commentary and gets in McAfee’s grill for a bit (which delighted me, because I am that petty).

As Garcia explains the rules while Ventura and McAfee bicker, basically this will be decided by pinfall, submission or leaving the cage by climbing over the structure or leaving through the door. So let’s head to the ring as we come to the…

Steel Cage Match: Damian Priest vs. Drew McIntyre

Priest’s ring gear has him wearing a demon mask and bat-winged robe as he made his way to the squared circle. As he gets in the ring, McIntyre assaults him right from the start and then throws him hard into the barricade. Then he throws him back in the ring, but before bringing in steel chairs as the steel cage door slams shut.

Now we are off to the races as they go back and forth until McIntyre throws Priest like a lawn dart into the cage, and then…

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We come back, and both men are on the top rope on the side of the cage. Priest is knocked down, and McIntyre tries to attack, but to no avail. He nails a big kick, followed by the South of Heaven chokeslam, and that gets him a count of two. Priest climbs the cage, and McIntyre catches him and then sends him back to the mat hard with a superplex.

He’s fired up and connects with the Claymore for one, two…nope. They slug it out, and McIntyre misses the Claymore, and Priest rolls up in a crucifix pin for a two count. Now, Mcintyre uses his South of Heaven move on Priest, but still can’t put him away. Frustrated, he grabs a steel chair and jams it into his midsection and then cracks it across his back. Then he sets up a chair in the corner. He attempts a Claymore and Priest moves just in time, and now he uses the same steel chair and rams the seat edge into his throat. Another South of Heaven gets him a two count, and he finally has had enough as Priest grabs another chair and then blasts him across his skull in a Con-chair-to as fans chant “one more time!”

Priest walks out the door, then stops a minute to look back, and then lands both feet on the floor to end the match.

Your Winner: Damian Priest

After the match, the ref signals for help, and medical comes in and sees to McIntyre’s well-being. Ventura is nonplussed by Priest walking out the door, and I have to agree. As Cage matches go, this was anticlimactic at best.

We see the tag team The U.S. Express of Mike Rotunda and Barry Windham in the crowd, as we turn back to Tessitore and Ventura comment on the highlight. The Body states that Reed returning is the big moment of the show, and I have to agree with him.

And because The Booker Monkeys™ obviously hate me, this Main Event is for the…

WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Jey Uso (c) vs. Logan Paul

As Uso walks through the crowd, he gets a young fan to YEET with him.

Again, I wish to state two things:

1.) As far as Paul is concerned, to quote Family Guy: “There’s nothing good about what you do or who you are.”

2.) I say this as a member of TV TAN PODCAST to WWE and everyone in the U.S.: Stop Making Garbage People Famous.

Folks, I love Uso, but I hate Paul more. Thus, this will be a Lucid Luchador Limerick in Review™

*Ahem*

Uso comes in full of YEET

But Paul proves he was fast on his feet.

At one point, the turnbuckle gets exposed,

And Paul throws Uso to it for a pin and almost beats him by a nose.

Then Cena ruins the match for all. At least that part was sweet.

Now I thought that was the end until Cody Rhodes’ music hits. He runs to the ring, and this is the first time we’ve seen him since WrestleMania 41, and he hits the Cross Rhodes on Cena. In the confusion, Paul has some brass knuckles and swings and misses Rhodes. A spear by Uso ends it in one, two, and three.

Your Winner via Pinfall, and Still WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Jey Uso

Rhodes gets on the mic and challenges Cena and Paul to a tag match at Money in the Bank with him and Uso to close out the show.

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