WWE Raw: Logan Paulverizes Mysterio

Thomas Starr

Logan Paul defeats Rey Mysterio
Logan Paul defeats Rey Mysterio

A solid episode of Raw that continued the build towards the Elimination Chamber and WrestleMania. No huge developments, but everything was solid, and this did not feel like a filler show.

Must-see moments:

CM Punk’s promo

Punk guaranteed a victory in the Elimination Chamber, which in booking 101 means he is winning the match, or we are about to see a major shift in his character. We shall see. His comments about Cena were the most interesting part of this promo. He pointed out that Cena did not qualify for the Chamber match like everyone else has. That is true. It will be interesting where they will go with all this.

Rey Mysterio vs. Logan Paul

They started off on different pages when they messed up a sequence twice. Eventually, they won over the crowd with the best action of the night. Logan Paul is still very green in the ring, but he knows how to work his personality. The crowd hated him, and he earned that.

Quick Results:

  1. Damage CTRL defeated Liv and Raquel
  2. Bayley defeated Lyra Valkyria to qualify for the Elimination Chamber
  3. The War Raiders defeated American Made to retain the tag team titles
  4. Logan Paul defeated Rey Mysterio to qualify for the Elimination Chamber

Fun Facts:

  1. In 2023, Kevin Owens claimed he and Sami Zayn have faced each other 839 times in WWE.
  2. This is only the third time Logan Paul has wrestled on WWE TV and the first time on Raw. (Source: Cagematch)

Chronological recap:

Raw kicked off with a long walk through the crowd and an announcer making bad ejaculation jokes. Yeet! Awkwardly, while the terrible jokes began, a lucky child, all of 5 or 6, stood next to Jey as he slapped him five and Yeeted!

Some of the oh, so clever jokes:

“I used to be able to Yeet a lot more when I was young.”

“I heard you are a premature Yeeter.”

“Aren’t there pills for that?”

Oh man the middle school humor on this show is outstanding.

Jey finally got into the ring, but the crowd was not done yet. So, Jey said to play it again! Cue the sad, pathetic jokes. Amidst the celebration, a cruel, vindictive figure pulled Jey to the floor and walked the proverbial dog on him. It was the sinister Gunther, that violent nerd.

Security swarmed the ring to quell Gunther’s brutal attack. He screamed at Jey not to pick him. To not choose to face Gunther at WrestleMania. While in a supine position, our mighty babyface spoke into his microphone. His thoughts were simple. Jey versus Gunther. WrestleMania.

Damage CTRL vs. Liv Morgan and Raquel Rodriguez

Liv and Raquel promised a win and a win. Tonight, and in the Chamber. La Camara de Eliminacion.

The resident mean girl, Liv, used her muscle-bound partner and loyalist to get the upper hand on our two favorites. Although their hot tag was as cold as the artic circle, the valiant Damage CTRL fought back only to fall prey to a second set of heat.

The second hot tag was colder than the first, but finally Iyo had the crowd in her palms. She took a bullet train and went over the moon but could not put Liv away. Near fall and near fall and near fall again. Suddenly blood flowed from Liv’s head because her own partner used her as a battering ram.

It did not last a year, it just felt like it did. After multiple devastating moves, Iyo wins with…a moonsault? Odd.

Winner: Damage CTRL

WWE aired a video tape replay of Kevin Owens’ dastardly attack on Sami Zayn.

Jackie Remond was shooed away by the New Day. Hey, that rhymes. They took the mic to a chorus of boos and whined and cried about their absence from the Chamber. They implored the crowd to get down…Well, they never did tell us where because Bayley’s music played.

Lyra Valkyria vs. Bayley

The Valkyrie rose from the smoke as the devilish Roxanne haunted the front row. Our brave announcer admitted to imbibing while on air. Pleasant.

Many peculiarities in this match, grappling, drones, and two heroines trading fisticuffs. Eventually, Bayley, after dropping our feathered favorite into the turnbuckles and the ropes, pinned her for the victory.

Winner: Bayley

Next, we were gifted the McAfee Minute as Pat made more juvenile sex jokes then wished Cole a happy birthday. Happy 71st Michael Cole!

The gifts kept coming as Lyra was backstage with Alpha Academy. They took turns petting her and giving her the aw-shucks. Just when you thought it was mercifully over, American Made, minus their commander and chief, came along to poke the Valkyrie. Lyra fired up and told them to stay out of her business.

The man whose hairstylist is allegedly an 80-year-old senile wolf, AJ Styles, made his triumphant return to Monday Night Raw. Styles said he was standing “in this fring in Smashville, Tennessee.” Without provocation, Dominik Mysterio interrupted the proceedings to a symphony of boos.

AJ nattered on for a fortnight. The bitter heels attacked our friendless hero only to see the tide turn and AJ came out on top.

Jackie Redmond made dialogue with Seth Rollins, who dug deep into his nineties grab bag of West Hollywood attire, about the journey to WrestleMania. All eyes are now on Cody, but briefly Seth’s eyes are on Finn Balor. Next week, Rollins promises Finn will be in his rearview.

American Made vs. The War Raiders

More lovely scenes tonight. Golden Tate was shown in the front row indulging in an alcoholic drink in front of two small children, one who was his son. Tate bellowed at the child no doubt souring his young olfactory glands.

The raucous crowd was lulled into a slumber until Julius Creed, the snide shooter, mocked them from the ringside rails. They chanted that he sucks and thundered their displeasure.

The Vikings smashed and plundered. But the Americans leapt and flipped their way back into the match. The crowd suddenly roared their approval. Just when the Vikings had victory in sight, the dastardly Americans assaulted with leather and gold. Disqualification.

Winner: The War Raiders by DQ

The weekly group session with the Judgement Day teased a new member, but Finn said nay.

Cue Cult of Personality and CM Punk sauntered out. He procured McAfee’s headset hopefully in perpetuity. Sadly, no. Punk made his way to the ring of honor.

CM Punk chastised John Cena and his lack of qualifications for the Chamber. Punk chastised the legend for his Machiavellian approach. Cena did not win his way in; he manipulated his way there. Punk promised to win and make his way to WrestleMania.

Logan Paul’s music interrupted as Paul slivered out. Logan claimed Punk’s number at the Royal Rumble and promised to claim it again in the Chamber.

Logan Paul vs. Rey Mysterio

The best match of the show. After clunky spots and miscommunication, these two pros turned it up with Paul getting the surprisingly clean victory.

Winner: Logan Paul

More Reports