Vicious serves and swerves on SummerSlam Night One

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

Vicious serves and swerves on SummerSlam Night One

Welcome to SummerSlam, as World Wrestling Entertainment adds more heat with championship bouts, a big match with CM Punk and Gunther vying for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, and a whole lotta Jelly Roll.

And this is just Night One!

We come to you from the MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. Michael Cole and Wade Barrett have the call. Cardi B is the guest host is giving fans that WAP.

( That means “Wrestling As Performance.” What? What else do you think it meant? Oh, you thought it meant THAT!!! You Pervs!!!)

So let’s kick this show off with your First Match of the Night with…

Roman Reigns and Jey Uso vs. Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed (with Paul Heyman)

And I hear the words I never thought I’d hear from Cole, “Welcome to Yeet Jersey.”

(Author’s Note: No, Cole. Just…no.)

Reed comes out with the Jordans he stole from Reigns on RAW (or as Cole calls it, a “shoe-a-fala)

Again, Cole, as I say with love…stop.

…stop listening to the Booker Monkeys™.

As the bell rings, it turns into a Pier Four immediately, as Jey “Yeets”, but then Reed and Breakker pull out Reigns, and then he dives to the floor. As he Yeets to the crowd, Breakker tackles him down, and then Reigns is taken outside the ring. Reed and Breakker isolate Jey, and he is in Peril (Yeet).

Outside, Breakker scouts for a slam and launches, but Uso moves at the last minute. He goes for the tag, but Reed pulls Reigns off the mat, and the beatings go on. Jey fights back and hits Reed with a DDT, and then gets a hot tag to Reigns, and he is a Tribal Chief en Fuego. Reigns dives outside and hits the seven-ten split. Then he locks in and lands a Superman punch to Reed, but Breakker rolls him up for two.

Reed attempts with a Tsunami splash but misses the blind tag by Uso, and he gets a second wind. Reed almost puts him away, but Uso kicks him out of the ring, and then he dives outside to Uso and Reigns. Then Breakker hits Reigns over the Spanish Announcer Table, and they hit a Steiner Recliner on Uso, and he kicks out at two.

Breakker goes out and gets some steam, but gets nailed with a Superman punch, and Reigns drills him through the barricade. Reed goes for a Tsunami, and Reigns beats him to the punch, literally, and then he and Uso land the One and Done for a two count. Breakker spears Reigns, and Uso spears Reed, and a splash ends it in three.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Roman Reigns and Jey Uso

Quite a hot start for Night One.

Next up is for the…

WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship: The Judgment Day (Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez) (c) vs. Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss

I should give this some respect.

Yet, I will give this a Squared Circle Clerihew™:

*ahem*

Rodríguez and Pérez make Bliss and Flair

Give a hurting on the pair.

With one Sister Abigail

Flair and Bliss win without fail.

Your Winners, And New WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions: Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss

Backstage, everyone wants that slice of Papa John’s, and I suddenly want to eat healthy.

Time for your cult meeting, as your next match is…

Sami Zayn vs. Karrion Kross (with Scarlett)

Folks…MetLife is a “Kross Cult.”

Zayn immediately tackles him in the corner, but Kross soon takes over. Outside the ring, they brawl, and I can’t help but notice the small chants of “Sami Sucks”, along with the “Let’s Go Sami/Let’s Go Kross!” chants.

Kross is in the driver’s seat, yelling to Zayn to say he was a fraud. He goes for a Blue Thunder bomb, but it is countered with a Saito suplex by Kross for a two count. Scarlet reaches under for a pipe and hands it to Kross. He swings and misses, as Zayn now connects with the Blue Thunder for a count of two. Zayn is more aggressive as he goes at Kross, and the ref has to back him up three times. Then Scarlet offers a pipe to Zayn. He picks it up, ponders, and…throws it out.

Kross comes back with a roll up for a near fall, but Zayn comes back with a buckle bomb, Helluva kick, and pins for three.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Sami Zayn

Well… that was anticlimactic.

I blame the Booker Monkeys™.

To be fair, Zayn was wearing the trunks with the Palestinian colors, so it’s probably best he won.

Cole then announces the number of attendees at SummerSlam at 53,161, and then they throw it to a montage of Hulk Hogan. Nick Hogan is in the crowd with his wife.

Psycho Clown and Mr. Iguana are in the crowd as they hype up Triplemania.

But a storm is a-brewing, and it is for the…

WWE Women’s Championship: Tiffany Stratton (c) vs. Jade Cargill

Alicia Taylor gives the boxing style intros, and once the bell rings, it is a power versus finesse match. They go outside, and Cargill nails a Suplex to Stratton. She throws her in the ring, and as Cargill poses,she doesn’t see the hip attack and the suicide dive by Stratton as she barely catches her. Stratton nails her with a Swanton for a two count.

She then goes for a handspring elbow and gets countered with a slam, and Cargill takes it to the champ. She lands the Eye of the Storm powerbomb, and that gets Cargill a count of two. Stratton nails a rolling senton and attempts the PME, but Cargill counters, and Stratton reverses to a falcon arrow. They go back and forth, and Stratton connects with an Alabama Slam, and the PME is blocked. Cargill attempts with the Jaded finisher and covers, but Stratton is near the ropes and breaks the count. She nails a choke slam to the champ, and Cargill goes up top for an avalanche Jaded, but Stratton counters and delivers the Prettiest Moonsault Ever to retain.

Your Winner, and Still WWE Women’s Champion: Tiffany Stratton

And now for a match SOMEONE thought was important, here’s…

Randy Orton and Jelly Roll vs. Drew McIntyre and Logan Paul

Jelly Roll gives a nice intro to Orton, and I’d love to hear more of the cover of his song.

There are also chants of “F*** You Logan” that for some reason get bleeped out.

Overall…yeah, I can’t deal with this. So allow me some Dr Seuss Squared Circle Damage in Rhyme™:

*Ahem*

I do not like Logan Paul, man.

I do not like anything about him or McIntyre, not even as a fan.

I do like Orton and Jelly Roll,

Even though the beatings they take are a toll.

Yet, as they go through tough times here and there,

Orton delivers and RKO outta Nowhere

But a frog splash from Paul ends it

And regardless how you feel, I can’t stand it.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Drew McIntyre and Logan Paul

Now for your Main Event, and it’s for the…

WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Gunther (c) vs. CM Punk

Punk comes out in ring gear that is Fantastic for fans, especially for clobbering time.

Alicia Taylor hits us with the boxer-style intros, and once the bell rings, they circle each other and lock up. Punk pushes him to the corner, and again they tie up, and Gunther sends him to the ropes and attempts a chop, but misses. The match is a contest of brawn versus finesse, which is a very old-school match led by Gunther, especially after a thick chop to Punk’s chest. He dominates the match and gets ready to finish, but Punk will not go down.

Gunther attempts with an abdominal stretch, and they reverse, but Punk goes for a roll up, but no dice. He continues to break down the Second City Saint, but Punk fires back. Gunther then gives hammer elbows to the back of his head, and again Punk refuses to go down. He goes for a Sharpshooter, and Punk powers through and reverses the hold until he reaches the ropes. It turns into a slugfest, and Punk goes for a knee lift, but Gunther counters into a powerbomb for a close two.

Punk goes for a triangle choke, and Gunther fights out of the submission. He attempts a sleeper hold, but Punk counters with a Russian Legsweep, and he follows with a running knee. A bulldog by Punk grants him a two count. He goes up to the high rent district, and Gunther cuts him off and dumps him unceremoniously to get a near fall.

Once again, they go back and forth, and Gunther lands a dinosaur dropkick and a powerbomb for one, two…oh, so close. Gunther is more brutal and dumps Punk outside and gives him a slam to the apron edge. He preens on the announcer’s table, and Punk trips him up. Gunther is wearing a crimson mask as Punk is laser-focused and hits a big elbow. He signals for the GTS, but Gunther counters with the sleeper hold. Punk fights up to a vertical base, and the GTS connects when he’s still up. Another one is delivered as Gunther Goes To Sleep, and Punk gets the one, two, and three.

Your Winner, And New WWE World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk

Punk is emotional as he claims the title.

And then Seth Rollins’ music hits, as he hobbles down backstage in crutches, with Heyman in tow to gesture he is coming for the title.

Then he takes the brace and crutches off, rushes to the ring, and attacks Punk. After a brief skirmish, Rollins cashes in his Money in the Bank contract. A curb stomp later, that leads to…

Your Winner, And New(er) WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Seth Rollins

Rollins is no longer crippled as he laughs it up with Heyman and company as the show draws to a close.

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