One has to think that dating Nikki Bella would be a nightmare. Not only do you have to put up with her mind games – first she wants to get married, then she doesn’t, then she doesn’t want kids, then she does, but not unless she’s married, which she wants again, then she doesn’t. Bottom line: Artem is doomed. Check out the recap for all the details.
The twins and JJ are at a bar, and they take a quiz to determine which twin would be the worst neighbour, since they’ll be living beside each other soon. Both of them are tied. This scene is just there to highlight that Nikki’s house is finally finished.
Everyone is there for the grand unveiling of the house, except Artem who’s still in LA looking for work. But even though he isn’t there, Nikki still honours his request to have a dog dressed up in a cat costume enter the house first to scare away ghosts. Because that’s apparently a thing that they do in Russia. And this is the country that supposedly rigged the US election?
Anyway, Nikki loves the house. Brie isn’t wild about the fact that the house isn’t toddler-friendly, so she’s worried that Birdie will end up becoming one of those ghosts some day. Artem calls, and Nikki rubs his face in the fact that it’s her home and he’s just a homeless, jobless free-loader.
Kathy joins Nikki at her OB/GYN appointment, which seems kind of weird. Ladies, is that something that happens – you bring your mother with you to those appointments? Nikki asks about what the challenges are about becoming pregnant at her age. The doctor suggests Nikki freeze her eggs, and also that they freeze some fertilized embryos, which requires Artem give up a few of his little swimmers. #Science. Nikki says she’ll think about it.
Brie and Bryan go to a pool store to buy a fence for Nikki’s pool so that Birdie can’t fall into it and drown. Better idea? Maybe teach her how to swim. But even Daniel doesn’t know how to swim, so maybe that fence is also for his benefit. They learn that a permanent fence could cost up to 50 grand, which gives them pause, because Bryan is a cheapskate. Apparently so, since he won’t even buy him and his daughter swimming lessons at the Y. But, of course, she hasn’t spoken to Nikki about any of this, so guess what the fabricated fight is going to be about in this episode.
Sure enough, they talk to Nikki about it, and she’s not down with the plan to buy a fence, saying that the pool is for her enjoyment, and she’s going to lock the backyard fence, so there won’t be a chance for Birdie to fall into the pool anyway. But then they tell her there’s a Louis Vutton pool safety cover, and her materialistic brain says she’ll think about it.
Later, Nikki and Artem are out shopping, and she tells him that she’s going to freeze her eggs, but he doesn’t want him to fertilize the eggs. In a talking head segment, she admits that she wants to have options that don’t involve him being the father. His feelings are hurt, feeling like he’s being rejected, which is true of course. She says that things would be different if they were married. He starts getting all whiny about it, and why doesn’t she dump this loser already.
The girls go to a signing at a Food and Wine Expo where they pimp their Belle Radici wine brand. While there, Brie talks to JJ and his wife Lauren about the pool fence, and they side with Nikki. They tell Brie that she needs to be a more responsible parent and maybe make sure Birdie doesn’t wander over to Nikki’s and drown instead of forcing Nikki to put up a fence.
At a different signing event, Nikki tells Brie about her discussion with Artem. Brie says that Nikki is just messing with Artem’s mind, because she says he needs to propose to him for her to consider having kids, but even if he did propose, she’d probably say no. Brie says that Nikki needs to be better to Artem, basically, and to show she doesn’t fear making a commitment to him by accepting his tadpoles. She says that if NIkki keeps messing with him, he may leave her for another man.
Back at home, Brie gets all pool nazi on Nikki, telling her she has to put up safety warning signs all around her pool because she doesn’t have a fence. When Nikki refuses, Brie decides to traumatize Birdie by telling her all of the dangers associated with a pool. Nikki throws the signs over the fence and into Brie’s backyard.
Brie meets Artem at a cafe, where the waiter has the worst hipster moustache of all time. Artem hides his attraction to the guy as he talks to Brie about Nikki’s egg decision. He tells Brie that he would have liked to be considered when Nikki made her decision to freeze her eggs sans Artem. He tells Brie that he wants to have kids, but if Nikki doesn’t want to have them with him, then maybe they should split up, and hopefully that waiter’s available. He says that he really wants to have a family, and he’s hoping it will be with Nikki. Brie tells him to be patient, and that he should work things out with Nikki. And that if he wants to take things to the next level, she can help him find an engagement ring for Nikki.
Later, Brie calls Nikki on a walkie-talkie, because they want to have some fun, since they now live so close to one another. They have a heart-to-heart, and Brie apologizes for being so crazy about the pool fence. Nikki agrees to buy the pool safety cover to help ensure Birdie doesn’t drown.
The next morning, Artem is frying Nikki’s eggs – I mean, making her some eggs for breakfast. They have the egg talk again, and Artem says that he’s fine if she doesn’t want his stuff mixing with hers in frozen form, but that he would have liked to have been included in the decision. She says that if they broke up, basically she’d be stuck with Artem-infested eggs. But he wonders why she assumes they’ll break up, and what if they don’t. She says that making embryos is too fast a move for where they are in their relationship. And then says that he should move in with her, so they can take more of a traditional next step in the relationship. As otherwise he’d be sleeping in some alley somewhere, he gratefully agrees.
Later on, Artem takes Brie up on her offer to take him ring shopping. She takes him to a store where he looks at a number of rings for Nikki, and thankfully not wrestling rings, because nobody wants to see Nikki in one of those. He nearly faints as he hears the prices, and suddenly that waiter is looking like a really good option.
