This week, Bryan and Nikki fight over what makes Brie the happiest – a fancy life of big houses and drunken pool parties or a simple life in a small place with a depressed partner and a poopy dog. Seems like a slam-dunk to me, but if it were so easy for her, we wouldn’t have much to say in this recap. Check out all the details below.
The show starts with the twins talking about how being in relationships has changed them, with Nikki criticizing Brie for not entering “Brie Mode” (i.e. sloppy drunkenness) as often as she used to. Later, they get into an argument over who is more grammatically stupid. Nikki wins.
At the house, Brie can’t believe that Kathy has any athletic abilities. Then, the family all comment on how Daniel has been restricting Brie’s alcohol intake and nixing her slutty wardrobe decisions.
Later, Brie and Lexie, JJ’s sexy sister-in-law are hanging out poolside. Brie says something, but who cares. They see Winston the dog eating his own poop, and after cleaning him up, Brie kisses him on his poopy mouth. And with that sentence, is it any wonder I can only write these recaps while in Brie Mode?
Brie and Bryan have been asking everyone’s opinion as to what size of house they should buy. Nikki thinks they should buy a big 5-bedroom house so that they’ll have room for an office as well as bedrooms for kids. Nikki is worried that Brie’s childhood dreams of a mansion are being quashed by Bryan’s more simple tastes. Again, Nikki thinks Brie has changed too much.
Later, Lauren (but she goes by Lola), JJ’s wife has joined the family, save John, to help with the planning of Kathy’s wedding. They start talking about Brie’s cycle, which is horrifying. They start grilling Bryan on his small house plans, and they all suggest he and Brie go big, but he’s resistant. Bryan explains that he grew up poor so has no need for a big house. Nikki blurts out that Brie’s dream was to always have a big house, which hurts Bryan. The twins then fight over how they should each worry about their own lifestyle. Bryan then says he thinks Nikki isn’t humble, and the family turns on him and defend her. He then blows up about her house, and it seems he’s suffering from floorspace envy. Nikki calls him jealous, he denies it, and then sulkily shuts himself out of the rest of the conversation.
Later, Bryan and Nikki make up and agree to disagree, apologizing for getting personal in their argument.
At the big formal family dinner, it’s a big celebration night, because Nikki has been told she’s needed at WrestleMania, and JJ and Lola announce that they’re expecting a baby.
After dinner, the ladies head to the parlour for girl talk. Brie says she’s going to go into Brie Mode at Kathy’s wedding celebration, and is going to get drunk just to spite the others who think she’s under Bryan’s thumb.
Meanwhile, in the smoking lounge, Cena finds out about the fight between Bryan and Nikki, and Bryan has to tell Cena he thinks his girlfriend isn’t humble. Cena suggest they call the Iron Sheik to make her humble. Actually, he doesn’t. He instead asks if everything was resolved okay, and he’s happy to find out it is. But he can sense something is weighing heavily on Bryan’s mind.
The next day, the girls head to Florida, along with Nikki’s friends Brittni and Shawna, for Kathy’s bachelorette party. Apparently, Kathy doesn’t have any friends of her own – or at least any sexy ones that will be good for TV ratings if they’re in bikinis.
Before they can leave, they have to wait for Brie, who’s talking with Bryan. As Brie tells Nikki, Bryan got a call from the doctor who told him that he’ll never be able to wrestle again. With that and the recent passing of his father, Brie says Bryan is in a dark, depressed place. Bryan tells the girls that he’s going to leave the Cena compound for a while to clear his head, and he doesn’t think he’ll return in time for Kathy’s wedding. The ladies understand, though they’re sad – especially Brie, who he leaves behind.
Not sad enough that they’re not going to go on their party trip, though. On the drive over, Kathy says she’s worried about embarrassing herself by showing off her body in a swimsuit while surrounded by the young girls – but JJ – why is he there on a bachelorette weekend anyway? – says she shouldn’t be ashamed of her body. Which is just weird. They start talking about babies and penises and this whole segment (show?) is cringe-worthy if you’re a guy. Brie worries that Bryan is in full-on depression – maybe he watched this segment.
They finally get to the hotel and holy crap, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shows up! Nope – it’s just Nikki dropping a glass, which smashes, as she gets out of the car. They celebrate with a few bottles of champagne and everyone gets into Brie Mode quickly.
Yay! It’s bikini time! For everyone but Kathy, who wears a kimono-like outfit – and JJ of course. There’s lots of frolicking around in skimpy clothes and this segment is enough to forgive them for the PMS talk earlier. Ewwww! Johnny Ace shows up and gives a blindfolded Kathy a lap dance.
After some swim-time, Nikki and Brie continue their argument about how Brie has changed so much, and Nikki gets ticked and leaves. More bikinis, less talking, please. At the spa, Nikki tells Lola that Brie isn’t as much fun as she used to be and wonders if Brie is still happy. At the pool, Brie tells JJ that she’s had to grow up from her immature younger days and that her changes are growth. JJ suggests the two sisters need to talk and hash it out because they both want the other one to be happy. I’d be happy if they were still in bikinis. But instead the show comes to a close for another week.
Bob Kapur has never kissed a dog on the mouth – but he has had a couple of coyote ugly mornings in the past. E-mail him your Tinder horror stories at bobkapur@hotmail.com.
