IMPACT Wrestling feels a new age of Cage

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

IMPACT Wrestling feels a new age of Cage
Courtesy of IMPACT

It’s Thursday night on AXS TV, and that means it’s time for IMPACT Wrestling, and they are the promotion that is Hard to Kill. “Bloodthirsty” Bob Kapur is away on assignment, so it falls on me, The Lucid Luchador, to deliver the action.

I’ve actually been wanting to do this for a while as the doors between NWA (which I typically cover) and IMPACT are starting to crossover like Image and DC Comics. So much to cover, including the return of Christian Cage for the first time in a decade, so let’s jump to the action.

Before The Impact: IMPACT Women’s Tag Team Champion Havok (with Rosemary) vs. (Tasha Steelz (with Savannah)

This is a basic speed (Steelz) vs power (Havok) match, but it’s Steelz who is able to keep the champ on her toes and take it to Havok. Havok gets back control, but Savannah gets up the apron to stare down Havok, but the distraction is enough for Steelz to get the roll up for the win.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Tasha Steelz

IMPACT properly starts and we get a cold open that recaps the end of the AEW Rampage episode, where Christian Cage won the Impact Heavyweight title from Kenny Omega.

Josh Mathews and “Mean” Gia Miller in the ring. Miller states the mood from the crowd chanting for Cage is “infectuous”. Um…okay. I guess I’ll embiggen my state of mind and judgment, and irregardless of what she just said, I’m sure it was a cromulent word.

Anyway, live from Skyway Studios in Nashville, TN. Matt Stryker and D’Lo Brown have the call.

Mathews and Miller were about to say more (ehhh…let’s be kind and call them “words”), when mercifully we are distracted by doings a-transpirin’ up stage, where Eddie Edwards and W. Morrissey brawl from the back to ring. Morrissey is about to add the exclamation point, but Callihan sprints out and swings the bat. Edwards and Callahan looks at each other dead in the eye (wait…too soon?), and Edwards says he didn’t ask for the help. Callihan gets the mic and says he wants to start the fight right now so after the open into plays, we get…

Courtesy of IMPACT

Sami Callihan and Chris Sabin vs. Ace Austin(w/ Madman Fulton) and Moose

Start of the match has Callihan and Sabin working over Austin with some nice tag work, isolating him from Moose. But Austin has some moves and gets Sabin to his side, where Moose proves to be a difference maker, stopping Sabin’s momentum which leads to Austin ready to take over and then we get…

“Ads”

We come back, and Moose in control, and chops hard at Sabin’s chest. Chants of “One more time” from the studio crowd (jerks), but Sabin knocks down the big man. Austin back in the ring working over Sabin, and he sends Sabin to corner, but Sabin rolls up Austin for a two count. Sabin rolls to his corner for a hot tag to Callihan and he is your Death Machine en Fuego, and he turns Austin inside out with a wicked clothesline. From there, chaos reigns in the ring, and Callihan catches Austin in a power bomb. He signals the end of Austin, playing up to the crowd, but Sabin tags himself in, and gets the Cradle Shock on Austin for the win.

Your Winners via Pinfall: Sami Callihan and Chris Sabin

After the match, Callihan and Sabin embrace just long enough for Callihan to piledrive Sabin. Difference of opinion with tag teams, I guess.

We go to a recap of NJPW RESURGENCE with The Good Brothers beating the team of Jon Moxley and Yuji Nagata, and afterwards the Bullet Club members in Guerillas of Destiny (Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa) confronted the Brothers after the match. Apparently, they ain’t too pleased with their antics and don’t consider them true Bullet Club members (so…Bullet Club Is Fine? Wait, they did that storyline way back. Never mind.) Back to the here and now, Gallows and Anderson will be defending the titles on Impact Plus Emergence PPV in a triple threat with Violence by Design and Rich Swann and Willie Mack, and after Gallows gets don with Doering tonight and once they keep the titles tomorrow, he says they’ll still be Too Sweet.

Sami Callihan is backstage cutting a promo to plug the four way match at Emergence versus Chris Sabin, Moose, and Ace Austin for the number one contendership, and he doesn’t need anyone’s help. Edwards comes into the shot, and said he didn’t need his help. Duly noted Eddie.

Shera (w/ Rohit Raju) vs. Matt Cardona (with Chelsea Green)

First time seeing Shera, and he is a beast of a man, and he quickly showcases that strength by overpowering Cardona, but Cardona displays the veteran skills sends the big man out and somersault splash on outside. Raju distracts Cardona and that’s enough to Shera, as that set up for…

“Ads” (SIGH)

Back from the break, and Shera is stomping an Indian mud hole into Cardona. Elbow drop by Shera on a prone Cardona, and her covers for a two count. Raju smacks around Cardona, and Green is ready to defend her man, and Raju back way up. Shera benefits from the outside interference, and sends Cardona to the ropes, and Cardona reverses and sends him face first to the mat. It’s not enough for the Long Island native, as Shera gets Cardona in a choke slam/backbreaker combo for another two count. Raju back up on the mat, but Green proves she is the difference maker, as she slaps the taste outta Raju. Cardona takes advantage and hits Radio Silence on Shera for the three, and he is a step closer to getting his hands on Raju on tomorrow’s Emergence.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Matt Cardona

We get clips from Christian Cage’s first title win on Jeff Jarrett from Feb 12, 2006. Lest we forget, IMPACT was once the NWA-TNA, and Cage was a former title holder of the Ten Pounds of Gold, folks. The more you know…

We now go to Madison Rayne, with Locker Room Talk, alongside her side Johnny Swinger after a hiatus. Anyway, she has her guest Tenille Dashwood, with her sidekick, Kaleb with a K.

(Author’s Note: Yeah, there’s only so much vapid influencer talk I can handle, so while I fix myself some “Genius Juice” in the form of bourbon with a splash of more bourbon, this is the fun you missed…

Backstage, where Gia Miller is with X-Division champion, Josh Alexander, and he wants to be the champ the company deserves. Jake Something appears, and Alexander ain’t impressed. Well, Something is…somewhat angry, and he goes to Scott D’Amore, who is listening to Kaleb complaining, and Kaleb says he’s cleared to wrestle. Jake Something tells D’Amore he wants a match, and shazam…D’Amore pairs him with Kaleb in a No-DQ match tonight. Kaleb tries to offer to help with social media, but it ain’t happening.

Courtesy of IMPACT

Christian Cage is now in the IMPACT Zone, and chants of “Welcome Back!” echo through the studios. Captain Charisma says it’s good to be back after nine years, and talks about leaving the company and taking a chance in Impact Wrestling. He remarks that this experience is surreal, and that sparks chants of “You Deserve It! *ClapClap*ClapClapClap*” Holding the old TNA belt, Cage says it’s time to retire it and focus on the future that is IMPACT Wresting, and that this should be the top prize in the promotion. Cage hands the former belt to a stagehand at ringside, and chants of “TNA” erupts (Bet no one expect to hear those chants in this lifetime, eh?).

Cage gets to business, and Brian Myers (Bob Kapur’s Favorite Wrestler) interrupts the good feelings. He shows up in a studded vest outfit that makes me wonder if he raided Brian Pillman’s wardrobe, and says he’s the number one contender for the championship after last week’s battle royale, and he is the best. Myers punctuates that at Emergence it belongs to the most professional wrestler. Cage responds that he’s glad he crawled outta Cardona’s shadow (is there a fire extinguisher, because that was a sick burn!), and there may be levels that Myers has achieved, but Cage states *He* is the most professional wrestler. Myers backs off and shoves his assistant to Christian, who knocks him down. Myers thinks better and backs out of the ring.

We go to clips of Deonna Purrazzo winning Reina De Las Reinas title at AAA Triplemania against Faby Apache in a fantastic match. Seek it out.

But a familiar face comes by…hey, it’s Melina, and she chats up Trey Miguel a bit, and he asks what I was thinking: Can she still do the splits? We’ll all get the question answered soon, because it’s…

Courtesy of IMPACT

Melina’s vs Brandi Lauren

Now, even though this is a squash match, I would have loved to have covered what took place since Melina has mostly been focusing her time on NWA POWERRRR, but my roommate was in front of the TV and chose that moment to engage me in conversation. He figured out I was otherwise engaged, which prompted this exchange:

Roommate: You didn’t hear a single word I just said, did you?

Me: (Pointing at the TV) Do you see why my focus is on the match at this moment?!

In any case, Melina gets Brandi in a Muta Lock, with she reverses into what Stryker called a California Dream, and Brandi has no choice but to tap out.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Melina

After the match, Purrazzo comes out to stomp on Melina, and Melina is grabbed by Mathew Rehwoldt as The Virtuosa gets in her licks. But, hold on true believers, because Trey Miguel comes at full speed and gets in the ring to even the odds, and gets a nice dropkick in to the former Aidan English.

We go to clips of John Skyler’s win at last week’s Impact against Cardona. Gia Miller asks Skyler on his shocking win. Skyler is miffed, saying it wasn’t a shock (even though he got with outside interference from Raju, but whatevs!) but before he can expound on the topic, shouts of help come from Dave Finley as his tag partner Juice Robison is curled up in pain. What caused this? Guess we’ll find out next week.

Clips of Jordynn Grace winning a weightlifting tournament. She is a powerful woman, and she was very impressive. You should check it out for yourselves.

Meanwhile, here’s the match Something asked for…

Jake Something vs Kaleb with a K in a No Disqualification Match

Folks, we know this is a squash match, right? So, instead of me digging up a squash recipe, I give to you a recap of this match…haiku-style.

*Ahem*

New age Joel Gertner

Power bombed by Jake Something

Tables are hard. Ouch.

Winner via Pinfall: Jake Something

We get a Su Yung clip with the former Kimber Lee, saying she’s got her first soul. My Question: What in the name of evil Alexa Bliss is going on?

Anyway, it’s time for The Main Event…

Courtesy of IMPACT

Doc Gallows (With Machine Gun Karl Anderson) vs. Joe Doering (With Violent by Design)

Doering strikes me as what happens when you splice the genes of Magnum TA and Stan Hanson, and my gods the former All Japan Triple Crown champion stand eye to eye and toe to toe with the Doctor of Chaos. Bell rings and it’s a slugfest, but Doering manages to send Doc out of the ring. Outside the ring, Gallows takes it to Doering on the steel steps and then it leads to…

“Ads” (UGHHHH!!)

Author’s Rant: Hey, AXS TV and IMPACT? Can I recommend you invest in a little thing called “Picture-in-Picture”, so you can satisfy the companies hocking their wares while I can pay attention to your product (read: ignore completely, like I was “listening” to my roommate talk) and see the action in the ring?

*End Rant*

Back to the match, and The Big LG is still in the driver’s seat against Doering, and D’Lo Brown states this is “ like a tsunami met a typhoon met an avalanche (BTW, that’s your weather forecast for the next few days, thanks to climate change).” Doering gets back in control and sends up Gallows on a hanging vertical suplex. Gallows outside for a breather, where Doering gives chase and Gallows kicks him and throws him to the barricade. Doering still in control, but Gallows tosses a steel chair in his direction, and referee Brian Hebner is struggling in vain to restore order. Back in the ring, both wrestlers take shoulder tackles that send them both back out. At this point, Gallows And Doering are throwing the lumber around as they brawl up the ramp, and Gallows delivers a Sky High choke slam to break the backstage.

Hebner and medical staff start coming out to assess the damage. While chants of “That Was Awesome” echo throughout the studios, Gallows starts to crawl out first, making his way back to ring. Doering then stirs next, and gets to his feet, and incredibly they’re both back in the ring. Doering rushes, and Gallows manages to get a boot up. The Big LG goes up to the high rent district, and Gallows leaps but eats a lariat by Doering that leaves his eyes Krispy Kreme’d (read: glazed), and down goes the big man. Doering is also spent, but has the presence of mind to drape an arm, and Hebner counts the one, two, and three.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Joe Doering

Doering stand with his Violence By Design stablemates, and this casts doubt on the Good Brothers Title defense opportunities as the show fades to black.

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