Eat, Sleep, Conquer the YEET on WWE’s Saturday Night’s Main Event

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

Eat, Sleep, Conquer the YEET on WWE’s Saturday Night’s Main Event

It’s Saturday Night and you know what that means?

(Oh, wait! Wrong show.)

This is WWE’s Saturday Night Main Event, and we will see an Intercontinental matchup with Bron Breakker against Sheamus, plus monsters face each other in Braun Strowman and Jacob Fatu. Then there is a title match between Gunther and “The Main Event” Jey Uso, and there is a contract signing between Cody Rhodes and Kevin Owens.

But for those of you who follow these types of recaps (and ya should), Welcome to Snarky Night Main Event.

Then.

Now.

And forever (or until I get future endeavored)!

We’re coming to you from the Afro Bank Center in San Antonio, TX. Joe Tessitore and Jesse “The Body” Ventura introduce us, and The Body asks why Governor Abbot can’t handle a little cold.

Good question. Why can’t he handle that, since his heart is just as cold as his snowflake constituents?

But let’s head to ringside with Michael Cole and Pat McAfee as your First Match of the Night is…

Courtesy of WWE.

Rhea Ripley vs. Nia Jax

Lilian Garcia comes out with boxing-style intros until Jax headbutts her, and that’s as much excitement as I can get as the San Antonio crowd gives her some much-needed X-Pac heat.

So yeah, this is your First Haiku in Review (Saturday Night Style)™:

*Ahem*

Mami manhandles

Jax. One Riptide later, and

Then Ripley retains.

https://twitter.com/WWE/status/1883325013178061047

Your Winner via Pinfall: Rhea Ripley

Moving along, Madus…err, Alundra Blayze is there (I think she has a book out), as is Mark Henry. Oh, and Gabriel Iglesias is there, too. Not to make things too Fluffy here.

In any case, “The Body” joins the commentary for the…

Courtesy of WWE.

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Bron Breakker(c) vs. Sheamus

The best line by Ventura is when he says, “He’s a Steiner. That means two and two equals five”.

Hey! Can’t fault that mathematics.

In any case, Sheamus is on top until Breakker becomes dominant with an exploder suplex and a clothesline that rocks him out of the ring. Sheamus sends him to the barricades, fella and then connects with a flying clothesline later. Back in the ring and he covers Breakker for a two count. He goes for the Beats Of The Bodhran and Breakker breaks it for the action to spill outside. Sheamus rushes at him and gets cut in half with a Breakker spear for a two count and then…

Ads (Sigh!!! How much more can I explain my disdain, Lord, over these Monkeys in the Truck™ cutting away in the MIDDLE OF A MATCH?!!)

We come back and Breakker is in control (grr!!), and Sheamus dares him to add on the punishment. They fight back to a vertical base and a Sheamus nails him with a Brogue kick for a two count. He proceeds to pound him with the Beats Of The Bodhran to his chest, and then Sheamus follows with a Celtic Cross for a close two count. Sheamus attempts White Noise and Breakker gets free and hits a lungblower and a gut check for another count of two. Breakker comes back with a press slam and covers for a near-fall. He connects in the corner with a BreakkerSteiner but Sheamus gets back up.

Sheamus gets back up for a Brogue kick to cover and Breakker gets a leg on the ropes. Sheamus holds his ribs and misses another Brogue kick. Breakker takes advantage and delivers a spear for the three count.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Bronn Breakker

As McAfee protests, ever the wise man (ahem) Ventura has to explain to him, “It’s like football; If the call is made, you gotta accept it.”

I may not agree with many things with Ventura, but I have to accept that fact.

Also, making McAfee Own him…priceless.

We see in the Texas crowd Dory Funk, Jr., “Hacksaw” Jim Dugan, Matthew McConaughey, and “The Million Dollar Man “ Ted DiBiase and he knows everybody has a price.

I mean, there are a lot of reasons to say that.

Now it’s time for San Antonio’s own Shawn Michaels to negotiate the contract signing between Cody Rhodes and Kevin Owens. Owens comes out with a “Cody Sucks Eggs” shirt and he is winning the tee game. Michaels says he is the closer since Nick Aldis couldn’t get it done the other night.

Rhodes signs on the dotted line. Owens, however, has this to say:

“Last night, you said something that really pissed me off. You said that ten times out of ten, Kevin Owens takes the easy way out.

Is that right?

That’s a lie! That’s what you are. You’re a liar because I could have taken the easy way out at [the] Bash in Berlin [PLE] in our match because of your knee. But I didn’t because I cared about our friendship more than you ever did.”

Rhodes is tired of the nonsense and tells him to sign the contract. Even Michaels is tired and claims Owens is acting a little jealous. This brings out the other juicy part of Owens’ rant:

“You know, it’s pretty rich that you’d side with Cody. Of course you would because you’re just like him, and when things got tough for you here, you quit too, didn’t you?

You know, you want to know who I think is jealous? I think you’re jealous of the fact that I’ve been bringing more pride and making this title mean more than you ever did, and once I win at the Royal Rumble, I will give everyone a champion they can be proud of. A champion they can look up to. A champion who won’t lose his smile, because the only one losing his smile and his title at the Rumble [looking at Rhodes] is you.”

Once the contract is signed and sealed, the ref gets in the ring and takes their titles to hang above it for the upcoming PLE. Michaels encourages them to shake hands. Owens punches Rhodes in the mush and Michaels gives him some Sweet Chin Music to the delight of the San Antonio crowd.

We then get the Tale of the Tape and despite some obvious mismatches, Fatu is equal to the task for tonight’s event as Tama Tanga explains:

So the next match is…

Courtesy of WWE.

Braun Strowman vs. Jacob Fatu

They lock u and Strowman pushes off and connects with a tackle. Fatu gives him a lap but gets sent out of the ring. The Samoan Werewolf stuns Strowman on the top ropes and sends him out of the ring and then becomes a suicida werewolf but then…

Ads (UGH!!!! Why is it necessary IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MATCH. At least some promotions do a PICTURE IN PICTURE!!! Not naming names, since they are All Elite about focusing on the ring action)

We come back and Fatu is dominating. Strowman punches him in the corner. Then he sends Fatu out and tackles him into the barricade and again to the commentary desk. Third time’s the charm and Fatu retaliates with a Samoan drop to the desk and slams his head into the steel steps. Fatu proceeds tp give a hip attack multiple times to Strowman. The ref tries to interject himself and after he gets tossed to the side he declares this match…

Your Winner via Disqualification: Braun Strowman

Security tries to put a stop to the carnage as Fatu gives Strowman multiple moonsaults to no avail.

We then see Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard in the crowd (what a buncha Brain Busters they are)

Then it is time for Your Main Event for the …

Courtesy of the WWE.

WWE World Championship: Gunther (c) vs. “The Main Event” Jey Uso

Jey enters through the crowd with a white lei and Yeets with a young fan (and I still have no idea what that word means). Then after Gunther enters, Lillian García gives the boxer-style intros

Once the bell rings, Gunther gives Jey with a boot, and chops until The Main Event mounts him with punches. They dump out of the ring and then…

Ads (again, I ask why is it necessary in the MIDDLE OF THE MATCH?!)

We come back and Uso gets a clothesline for a two count. From there it is aRing General versus YEET match (and I never thought I’d type those words. Meanwhile, the Commentary Monkeys debate if Gunther should win because of his stature as he nails Uso with a powerbomb for a two count and then…

More Ads (hy? How many marks need a Snickers?!)

We come back as Uso nails Gunther with a hip attack for a count of two and then goes up to the high-rent district. Gunther gets up top with chops and knocks him down for a two count. He goes for a powerbomb and Uso reverses to a spear for a near fall. He follows with a superkick and a spear. From there, Uso climbs up top for a splash and connects for the one, two…nodice. Gunther lays him out with not one, but two powerbombs to end it for the one, two, and three.

Your Winner, and Stil WWE World Champion: Gunther

The Ring General remains unbowed as the show draws to a close.

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